Spiraling
in it's silken glow,
the crimson stream
wrapped her,
like my arms once had
Cold, yes cold;
yet a synchronized, composed course-
enveloping her arm
and her blue tattered coat.
A scraping warm
now flushed her cheeks,
her eyes glinting,
wide open as she sleeps
Her cigarette's still bright,
the smoke still rising;
a trace of burn on her lips,
the ash's still falling.
Her jugular:
lay exposed;
her auburn hair,
tousled, missing it's gloss
Her pallor-
as always lacking;
her lips-
more red than they'd ever been
She looked more beautiful
than she'd ever ever done before,
as I kissed her good-bye
and shoveled her into her final abode.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,027 Literary Works • 672,773 Reviews
Okay, this is too good to criticise. Hmmm.
Hey there, Dreamy here. To be honest , I didn't know that the woman was killed by the narrator or anyone for that matter. Let me tell you why. For some unknown-- weird reason, I skipped these words "crimson stream" "shoveled" and " wide open as she sleeps." Yes, the exact words that suggests that she's been killed. Isn't that amusing? You just remove few words and the poem entirely suggests a different story.
When I read the first line, I was like "whaaa" So, the woman is dead but she is not pale? The entire stanza was bit--I would call it "mind twisting." Because, I really got confused. Is she pale or not? The first stanza tells me that she is covered with blood, so let's say she is stabbed. If she is stabbed, it is impossible to hold on to a cigarette in mouth. The same goes with the strangling, ya know the fights ya got to put up. This leads me to the only option, which is poisoning. But the "crimson stream" contradicts that possibility.
So, I'm sitting here imagining all sort of weird positions of the woman's body and the different ways to kill a person.
All I'm trying to say is, a little bit of logic adds a beautiful scenery to anything we write. Since you seem so good with diction, I request you to keep it rich and simple for people like me. But feel free to ignore *me*
Other than that, I really loved your poem.
Cheers~
Happy Poeting!
Ahuh, thanks for this really, now I know how unclear the whole poem's been
Hello DukeofWonderland, haven't I seen you somewhere before?
Anyway, onto the review.
I'm not the most skilled in poetry. But I have written a few and I enjoy reading them.
I think this is a very lovely piece. I noticed you talk about something spiraling in the beginning, but then you never go back to it. I'm not even sure what it was.
The biggest thing I noticed was that throughout this piece you are talking about "her", and it seems like the POV is third person. But then at the end you say "I" and I realize it's in first person. I found that slightly disorienting.
Other then that I really liked it, especially the ending.
Keep up the good work!
~WW
Really like this poem, I find that the last stanza always defines the poem, and with yours its done so beautifully. Once I had read the last stanza the poem made a lot more sense and I read it a second time and enjoyed it a lot more.
The lady in the poem (the one being shovelled in her grave), is she the lover of the main character, or did he/she kill her?
Great poem
Well, the lady was killed by her companion- our narrator.
Thank you, but you could've been criticizing more - I would truly not mind. Rather I'd apreciate it.
Thanks again
I really enjoyed your poem but i generally don't like to criticize xD If I don't understand something, I tend to think that is more my error not yours, or rather the authors :')
But I loved the poem, very well written