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Why Do I Love Him ? ; Part 1

by rheaaaa


Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

Rayni ; * Jumps on the bed * Wake up fool !

You ; Bruh , if you dont get yo ass of this bed ...

Rayni ; * Gets of the bed * Well somebody is a little cranky .

You ; Yea , because you waking me up at * Looks at clock * 6 : 30 !

Rayni ; Uh , thats because today is the first day of school ! Dumb ass !

You ; Oh yea , I forgot .

Rayni ; How could you forget . Plus you get to see you know who today !!!

You ; Who ?

Rayni ; * Rolls eyes * Stop playing , you know im talking about Corahn .

You ; Oh yeah him . * Looks Down *

~ Rayni started talking about something but you tuned her out . ~

~~~~~~~~

Your Thoughts ;

I really dont want to see Corahn today . Defintly because he had been hitting me lately . I wonder what has gotten into him ! I have really been trying to avoid him . But now i have to see him !

End Of Your Thoughts .

~~~~~~~~

Rayni ; Hello , Hello

You ; What you keep saying hello for ?

Rayni ; Because you were out in space or something .

You ; Mhm . Or maybe i was just not listening to you ! * :Laughs *

Rayni ; Manee . Shut Up ! * Throws a pillow *

~~~~~~~~

You went into the bathroom and did you hygiene . You put on some hollister jeans , a red shirt , and some red jordans . Then you curled your hair and straighted you bang but put it to the side . You went downstairs to eat breakfast.

~~~~~~~~

You ; Come on Rayni !

Rayni ; Im coming hoe !

You ; * Grabbing your car keys * Lets go then !

~ Yall Got In The Car ~

Rayni ; Cant You Drive A Little Faster .

You ; ... You bout ready to get smacked .

Rayni ; iight i'm done !

You ; Yea , but why you put your hair in a bun .

Rayni ; So people can tell us apart .

You ; Umm . Even though we twinns , we look nothing alike . I Look better !

Rayni ; Whatever you say . Biiiitchhh !

~~~~~~~~

Yall got out the car and went yall separate ways . You went to your locker , then you felt someone put their hands on your waist . You turned around and you hoped it wasn't Corahn ! ...


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Points: 562
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Sun Aug 04, 2013 12:02 am
thearisen wrote a review...



Hi Rhea, I'll be reviewing your work.

The first thing that I noticed is how you used a semi-colon in place for a colon. The semicolon (;) has only one major use. It is used to join two complete sentences into a single written sentence.

"I really dont want to see Corahn today . Defintly because he had been hitting me lately . I wonder what has gotten into him ! I have really been trying to avoid him . But now i have to see him !"
^I see quite a few spelling and grammatical errors here. For example: "defintly" instead of definitely. Also, the sentences don't seem to flow very well.

"You went into the bathroom and did you hygiene . You put on some hollister jeans , a red shirt , and some red jordans . Then you curled your hair and straighted you bang but put it to the side . You went downstairs to eat breakfast."
^"Did you hygiene"? Really? Stop for a minute and consider what you just wrote. Does it make sense? Also, you seem to be substituting "you" for "your". Nononono. Again, many grammatical and spelling mistakes here.

I recommend that the next time you write something, read it out loud afterwards. You'll be surprised at how many mistakes you've made that they hasn't caught. Overall, I found this very amusing. You just really need to work on your punctuation, grammar and spelling.

Hope this helped :)




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Thu May 23, 2013 3:15 pm
santana wrote a review...



I loved your dialogue. It's very much like the dialogue I use when I'm not in school...or...well...when I'm not around adults. The story is relative to a play in a small way, and is what my peeps would call "ghetto". It's a nice story though. There's a bit of suspense at the end, and it left me on the edge of my seat...literally. Keep up the good work.




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Sat Mar 09, 2013 2:42 am
ABM53190 wrote a review...



Great work I love reading these types if stories. Interested to see how long some of these continuing stories and blogs or whatever they tend to be last. It's almost difficult to wait. I see them often on here thanks for a good read. Looking forward to another. Best of luck to you.




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Fri Mar 08, 2013 11:46 am
Caesar wrote a review...



Hi rhea, welcome to YWS. Nice username. Hellenist references are always cool. Though of course, I doubt you actually meant this as a Hellenist reference.

Now, after reading your work, I blinked. Then I read it again.

...

What is this, pray? What? How is this writing, in the loosest of terms? Seriously though. You're using RP-style, chatspeak actions. You don't have proper dialogue. You don't have characterization. You don't have plot. You're using this weird tense which makes me thing either some spastic, drug-affected God is narrating, or it's a hive-mind stalker, recalling everything that this character did moments previously.

Either way, it's terrible. Seriously terrible. Now, let me expand the points I mentioned previously.

1) chat-speak actions, such as

* Jumps on the bed *


What? What? Really though. What kind of writer worth his/her salt would use such a thing? How dare you label this under a novel, and use * Jumps on the bed* ? How? Is this the first 'story' you've ever written in your life? Or are you simply too lazy to write 'Rayni jumped on the bed.'? I really hope it's the latter. No, I hope it's actually something else entirely. The only thing I can possibly tell you is please, please, read novels, actual novels, before writing. Then possibly consult dictionaries. But above all, read. Then maybe you'll realize how to write half-decently.

2) proper dialogue -- self-explanatory. Proper dialogue can either be "Wake up, you fool!" she exclaimed, or -- Wake up, you fool!; But certainly not what you have hear. I repeat, read books before attempting to write your own.

3) characterization. I have no words. Literally no words. How do you think the readers can possibly understand your characters' psychology, their thoughts, their emotions, ANYTHING, when you write like... this? Just what? I just don't even.

4) description. Where is it. Where. Where? Description is important, especially in prose. I cannot stress this enough. Yet here, you only have two lines, describing her clothes. We don't care about her (?) clothes as much as we care about what she looks like, what the room around her looks like, anything.

5) plot. What the hell is going on? Just what? Why is this 'mystery, suspense' and not 'teen drama' or something?


Yeah, I just don't even. I applaud your originality, but seriously. Burn this. Destroy it, and hide your shame along with its ashes.

Hope this helped
~Ita




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Fri Mar 08, 2013 5:02 am
niteowl wrote a review...



Hi Rhea and welcome to YWS! :)

Overall, I think you have an interesting plot line here, and you're trying a unique approach with this second-person thing, which is cool. I'm not sure it's working for me though. I feel like it's meant to put me in the main character's shoes, but the description is rather flat so I'm not getting much from it. The thoughts need to be more vivid in order for this writing style to make sense. I might also suggest having more thoughts/description within the dialogue as opposed to the scriptlike formatting you have now.

Your Thoughts ;

I really dont want to see Corahn today . Defintly because he had been hitting me lately . I wonder what has gotten into him ! I have really been trying to avoid him . But now i have to see him !

End Of Your Thoughts .


Minor note: Clean up the spelling/grammar here. Unusual grammar is fine in dialogue if it reflects how the characters are speaking, but everywhere else, it should be more polished.

This sets up some contrasts with the dialogue that should be cleared up. From the dialogue above, where they're talking about "you know who", I thought Corahn was a secret crush. However, the thoughts show something different, that he's a boyfriend who's recently turned abusive. I would alter the dialogue to make it clearer that the two are in a relationship.

Also, these thoughts could use way more emotion rather than just flat telling. I might have the character think back to the last time he hit her. Show us where they are, how the argument starts, what he says and does to her. It might also be good to contrast with happier memories to show the MC's conflicted feelings. If I'm supposed to be the MC, make me feel something, as right now I don't.

You went into the bathroom and did you hygiene . You put on some hollister jeans , a red shirt , and some red jordans . Then you curled your hair and straighted you bang but put it to the side . You went downstairs to eat breakfast.


"Did your hygiene" sounds weird to me. I might replace it with something like "got ready". "jordans" and "hollister"should be capitalized, and "straighted" should be "straightened". I like that you're showing us the character here, how she cares about her appearance, but I think there could be a bit more here. For example, does she have to think about long sleeves or makeup to cover any bruises?

Minor note: The spacing here is strange, and it's distracting. You don't need a space before punctuation. Generally, you have one space after a comma or semicolon and two after a colon, period, exclamation point, or question mark. Also, I didn't like the use of semicolons in the dialogue. If you are going to keep the script-like format, I'd use colons instead.

Overall, there's definitely an interesting story here, and I think this approach could work if you beef up the description and emotion. Feel free to PM me if you have questions. Keep writing! :)





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— alliyah