Young Writers Society

Hi Rhea, I'll be reviewing your work.

The first thing that I noticed is how you used a semi-colon in place for a colon. The semicolon (;) has only one major use. It is used to join two complete sentences into a single written sentence.

"I really dont want to see Corahn today . Defintly because he had been hitting me lately . I wonder what has gotten into him ! I have really been trying to avoid him . But now i have to see him !"
^I see quite a few spelling and grammatical errors here. For example: "defintly" instead of definitely. Also, the sentences don't seem to flow very well.

"You went into the bathroom and did you hygiene . You put on some hollister jeans , a red shirt , and some red jordans . Then you curled your hair and straighted you bang but put it to the side . You went downstairs to eat breakfast."
^"Did you hygiene"? Really? Stop for a minute and consider what you just wrote. Does it make sense? Also, you seem to be substituting "you" for "your". Nononono. Again, many grammatical and spelling mistakes here.

I recommend that the next time you write something, read it out loud afterwards. You'll be surprised at how many mistakes you've made that they hasn't caught. Overall, I found this very amusing. You just really need to work on your punctuation, grammar and spelling.

Hope this helped

I loved your dialogue. It's very much like the dialogue I use when I'm not in school...or...well...when I'm not around adults. The story is relative to a play in a small way, and is what my peeps would call "ghetto". It's a nice story though. There's a bit of suspense at the end, and it left me on the edge of my seat...literally. Keep up the good work.

Great work I love reading these types if stories. Interested to see how long some of these continuing stories and blogs or whatever they tend to be last. It's almost difficult to wait. I see them often on here thanks for a good read. Looking forward to another. Best of luck to you.

Hi rhea, welcome to YWS. Nice username. Hellenist references are always cool. Though of course, I doubt you actually meant this as a Hellenist reference.

Now, after reading your work, I blinked. Then I read it again.

...

What is this, pray? What? How is this writing, in the loosest of terms? Seriously though. You're using RP-style, chatspeak actions. You don't have proper dialogue. You don't have characterization. You don't have plot. You're using this weird tense which makes me thing either some spastic, drug-affected God is narrating, or it's a hive-mind stalker, recalling everything that this character did moments previously.

Either way, it's terrible. Seriously terrible. Now, let me expand the points I mentioned previously.

1) chat-speak actions, such as

* Jumps on the bed *

Hi Rhea and welcome to YWS!

Overall, I think you have an interesting plot line here, and you're trying a unique approach with this second-person thing, which is cool. I'm not sure it's working for me though. I feel like it's meant to put me in the main character's shoes, but the description is rather flat so I'm not getting much from it. The thoughts need to be more vivid in order for this writing style to make sense. I might also suggest having more thoughts/description within the dialogue as opposed to the scriptlike formatting you have now.

Your Thoughts ;

I really dont want to see Corahn today . Defintly because he had been hitting me lately . I wonder what has gotten into him ! I have really been trying to avoid him . But now i have to see him !

End Of Your Thoughts .

You went into the bathroom and did you hygiene . You put on some hollister jeans , a red shirt , and some red jordans . Then you curled your hair and straighted you bang but put it to the side . You went downstairs to eat breakfast.