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The Unsilenced War Begins: Draft 2-Chapter One

by Soulkana


Chapter One

A faded to yellow letter lies unopened on top the desk as a young teen flicks his gaze away from the invitation and to the window that frames the desolate desert which is his home. Black rimmed eyes stare tiredly as sand blows through the air. Even with the unusual long sleeve shirt, the bruises that mar his small frame peek out. Finger-like marks in a deep black stand out on his neck as a painful reminder of how much his father despises him. Pine green eyes turn focus back to the letter with a nervous tapping of his slim fingers on the oak desk. He already knows what the flimsy parchment says, so why bother with opening it? Standing abruptly, the teen makes his way to the calendar on the far edge of the room and eyes the circled date marked in red ink. The day the school season begins is outlined despite his many attempts to ignore the longing for freedom that nags in the back of his mind.

Turning his thoughts back to the letter, the teen pulls out a large trunk from under his bed. A gift from his Master whom he will be staying with for the next few days until the time comes for the school to begin. Kneeling down beside his bookshelf in the far back of the room, he pulls on one of the loose stones to reveal a rather large hole that had formed from the shifting sand. Withdrawing the stash of healing potions his Master made when he learned of the abuse, he quickly swallows the pain relieving one and tucks the rest into the trunk. Turning his attention to the bookshelf, he pulls a pale blue book from the very top and places it inside as well as all the books on healing. Replacing the stone after removing a stuffed fox his mother had given him several years before as a gift before the sickness took hold. Shrinking the trunk with all the valuables he had, the young teen picks up the bag full of clothing and herbs and makes his way into the hallway, but takes the letter from the desk and places it in his pocket at the last second.

A harsh coughing fit echoes through the lowest wing of the house; the same in which he occupies during the rare times he bothers to stay. Wandering the way to his mother’s room, the teen waves his hand and sighs when the familiar warmth of his magic hides his lack of sleep and the true nature of his other relatives from the outside world. Worry etches his face while he knocks on the door before sticking his head in to catch sight of his sickly mother hunching over on the bed, gasping for air as her coughs grow in intensity.

“Mother?” He calls out, stepping inside the room that holds no color, done in a pure white. It gleams and has the pungent scent of disinfectant clinging to its very walls. Having remodeled the room specifically to fit his mother's needs, the teen merely shrugs away the overwhelming aroma to focus his undivided attention on his mother.

The woman smiles in welcome, “Come closer, Israel.” Her bony hand beckons him towards her bed; Israel obliges and sinks down to sit on her bedside.

“Has the letter come yet, darling?” The question tugs painfully at the hope that swells in his heart at any mention of the Shaden Academy.

“Yes, Mother.” The whisper of truth slips from his mouth before he can stop it and his eyes widen in horror as he quickly looks away from his beaming mother.

The young mother frowns at her son’s reaction and gently takes his hand, pleading, “Israel, look at me.”

Once his eyes fall back upon her own violet ones, she continues in a stronger tone, “I want you to attend. Is that clear? It is not a child’s place to care for his ill mother. Go and makes friends. Be happy, Israel, because even I know that being here does not bring you happiness as it should.”

Israel shakes his head. “I can’t! Who will care for you then, mother?”

Violet eyes spark with fire while the woman orders, “You will be going, son. End of discussion.”

Mouth open in shock, Israel struggles to reply before simply wrapping his arms tightly around her waist. “Thank you, Mama.”

Her slim arms wrap themselves carefully over his shoulders as she murmurs, “Make me proud, my darling Israel.”

Stiffening as he registers the warm smile she only shares with him, Israel nods in agreement to her order. As she slips into sleep under the medications he hands her, he whispers, “Of course, Mama. I will do anything to make you happy.”

Picking his bag up from where he had placed it outside his mother's door, Israel walks towards the castle entryway with a smile. The long corridors on the ground floor were meant to confuse others, but he had travelled them many times. The bag he had packed the night before rests on his shoulder. Soon the black shirt he wears is torn to shreds as black, bat-like wings unfold from his back. Stretching them wide as they can go inside the castle entrance hall, Israel prepares to take off to Master Xander’s when a frigid voice halts his escape.

“What are you doing, brother.” The sneered title sets Israel's nerves on edge as he turns to spot his eldest brother, Angeliquen, leaning against the marble staircase.

“I am heading to Master Xander’s, brother.” The venomous title is thrown right back and the two glower at one another in mutual hatred.

“If you think that you can take my right as heir then you are a fool.” Angeliquen snarls, amber eyes blazing in restrained fury.

Israel smirks as he opens the door leading outside. The harsh wind blows his mid-back length ebony hair into his face as he jumps, allowing the wind to take his extremely slight weight. Sweeping into the air, he laughs before replying, “The title of the Darksun Lord never belonged to you or father, dearest brother.” A triumphant and slightly vengeful glint enters the thirteen year old’s dark green eyes, “I am the rightful heir and poor father can’t do anything about it."

Fury showers the air as his brother’s magic bursts out with a vengeance. Sadly, the object of its rage is long gone as the heir flies at top speeds towards the only other person who cares for the young ruler, the exiled swordsman, Alexander.


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158 Reviews


Points: 1935
Reviews: 158

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Sun Jun 02, 2013 5:17 am
Veeren wrote a review...



I promised you a review at two and the morning and darnit I'll give you a review at-
Well it's actually only one. So I lied.

Spoiler! :
A faded to yellow letter lies


If you're trying to describe the color of it, try phrasing it: A letter that's faded to yellow lies

Spoiler! :
flicks his gaze away from the invitation to the window


Should be and to the window, so we know what his gaze flicked to.

Spoiler! :
his small frame peek out from under the shirt.


This sounds a bit repetitive, perhaps remove the from under the shirt part?

Spoiler! :
Pine green eyes turn focus back to the letter with a nervous tapping of his slim fingers


It's odd that you'd say his slim fingers but not his pine green eyes ;)

Spoiler! :
his bookshelf in the far back of the room, farthest from the door,


What's farthest from the door, the bookshelf or the back of the room? I mean it's obvious, but it's worded awkwardly :P

Spoiler! :
the rare times he bothers to stay inside his home.


Again, a bit repetitive. Try taking out the last three words.

Spoiler! :
knocks on the doorway before sticking his head


A doorway is the space that a door fills, therefore you can't knock on it :P

Spoiler! :
his sickly mother hunch over on the bed


That would be hunching because of your tense.

Spoiler! :
Picking his bag from where he had placed


Picking his bah up.

Spoiler! :
mother's door,Istael walks towards


Space after the comma, and I think you spelled your own character name wrong.

Spoiler! :
into his face as he jumpes


Jumps.

And the rest seems fine.

I'm not sure what I said last time, and I'm much too lazy to check, but I commend your use of present tense. While it's done a bit meh at times, you pulled it off rather well, which is something many people can't do. Also, I didn't ever think I'd see a character go from sad and abused to cocky and arrogant so fast ever before. I don't know whether that's a good thing or a bad thing, but kudos for making me care.

Good job otherwise, you're doing great work.
Keep on writing.




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158 Reviews


Points: 1935
Reviews: 158

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Fri Mar 01, 2013 1:56 am
Veeren wrote a review...



Spoiler! :
Code: Select all
Yo, Veeren here :D

[spoiler]a young teen flicks his gaze away from the invitation towards the window[/spoiler]

This sounds like you're trying to say invitation was towards the window. Perhaps change 'towards', to 'to'.

[spoiler]before turning focus back to the letter[/spoiler]

Turning [i]their[/i] focus.

[spoiler]with a nervous tapping of his slim fingers on his oak desk[/spoiler]

This makes the sentence a run on. I'll leave it up to you how you want to fix it, but I'd recommend trying a new sentence, and not adding a comma anywhere.

[spoiler]that nags in the back of his mind.[/spoiler]

[i]Nagged[/i]. If you start in the past tense, keep it that way. Though you use more present tense throughout, not past, so whether you want to change this or the beginning is up to you.

[spoiler]warmth of his magic hides the lack of sleep[/spoiler]

Do you mean [i]his[/i] lack of sleep? Otherwise this is a bit confusing.

[spoiler]his sickly mother hunch over on the bed,[/spoiler]

Comma after mother, and make it [i]hunching over the bed[/i].

[spoiler]eyes widen in horror[/spoiler]

Either add 'his' to the beginning, or change 'widen' to 'widening' and add a comma after 'horror' (removing the 'as' that comes after, of course).

[spoiler]themselves frail-like over[/spoiler]

'Frail-like' isn't a very good description :P

[spoiler]He walks towards the castle entryway with a smile.[/spoiler]

I'm guessing this is the next day? Or later the same day? Or a few minutes later at least? Whatever it is, it should be preceded by an indication of time-lapse. The transition was perfect, it's just what the transition was for that needs to be shown to the audience.

[spoiler]“I am the rightful heir and poor father can’t do anything about it. He has always known that his precious Angel will never succeed the line and rule Barrenaba alongside the Diethelm.”[/spoiler]

This, along with the last paragraph, is kind of a mini-info dump. You pelt us with a lot of information we're not ready for (Not to mention we see the true colors of the MC quite quickly). Slow down the pacing, maybe explain yourself a bit; if not in dialogue, then through the thoughts of the Main Character.

Other than that, the story was fine. It's an interesting idea for sure, and it seems to has a lot of possibilities in it. That is, if you do it right ;)
Anyway, keep up the good work, and keep on writing :D



Invalid now, aye ;)




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Tue Feb 26, 2013 3:47 pm
Auxiira wrote a review...



Hey Soulkana! Auxiira here to review!

I think that this has potential, you just need to sort it out a bit.

I just going to go through and point out mistakes or things that I feel could be made better. You don't have to heed the advice at all.

Here we go!

Specifics
1: I find that the first paragraph is particularly awkward:

A letter that has faded to yellow lies unopened on top the desk. A young teen flicks his gaze away from the invitation towards the window which frames the desolate desert that is his home. Black rimmed eyes stare tiredly as sand blew through the air before turning his focus back to the letter with a nervous tapping of his slim fingers on his oak desk. He already knew knows what the flimsy parchment said says, so why bother opening it? Standing abruptly, the teen made makes his way to the calendar on the far edge of the room and eyes the circled date marked in red ink. The day the school season begins is outlined despite his many attempts to ignore the longing for freedom that nags in the back of his mind.

-explain the teen to us. What colour is his hair? His black rimmed eyes are brilliant, but what colour are they?
-describe the room.

2: Your tenses aren't consistent. You start off in the present tense and change to the past (I've highlighted it in red). Try and fix that.

3: I've been told this and I'll pass on the wisdom: try not to use semi-colons (;) in novels. If you formulate your sentences properly, then you shouldn't need them.
A harsh coughing fit echoes across the lowest wing of the house, the same wing which he occupies during the rare times he bothered bothers to stay within his home.


4:
grew with in intensity.


5:
Her bony hand beckons him towards her bed, Israel obliging obliges as he and sinks down to sit on her bedside.


6:
could can stop it and his eyes widen


7:
gently tooktakes his hand,


8:
eyes fell fall upon


9:
woman ordered orders


10:
Her slim arms wrap themselves frail-like frailly over his shoulders as she murmurs

I looked frailly up and it is a word...

11: Woah, when did he get to the castle entryway? Or even pick up his bag for that matter? Try describing that to us.
Tell us how he leaves his mother's room reluctantly maybe, but quickly becomes excited and that he walks with a spring in his step.

12:
he wears tears is torn to shreds

I fid that this sounds a little better maybe...

13:
sets Israel on edge

Normally you would say: sets Israel's nerves on edge

14:
out with a vengeance. Sadly, the object of its rage is long gone

You wouldn't normally say "sadly" in a narrative. It clearly shows your opinion as a writer and you should try and show your opinion through other methods. The fact that Israel is "long gone" makes it clear enough that the hero is your prefered person.
"out with a vengance, but the object of its rage is long gone" sounds better.

15:
the heir flew flies at top speeds


Overall
Try and sort out your tenses, they're a bit all over the place. Umm, maybe give us a bit more description. Right now you give us the bare minimum. Try to describe the rooms, the way the characters act/move, their emotions.
It's a bit unconventional to write in the present tense, but I think that you can pull it off, so keep on writing!

Hope my review helped!
Auxiira^^





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