z

Young Writers Society


12+

Masked Mystery (Part 1)

by Angelorchid


Darkness had fallen, a sinister silence settling over the town. The sky had turned sooty giving the lake beneath an eerie look.

But all this was unnoticed by the girl sitting in the deserted park. Her ebony hair billowed in the wind, as if calling out to someone. Her eyes had sunk in their sockets, and a purple hue stained her cheek. Beth looked into the distance, mesmerized and lost. Nearby, a car screeched to a halt and Kevin came out looking more ominous than the sky. He grasped her arm and hauled her into the black Sedan and drove away.

A pair of eyes followed the car, as a man came out from behind the trees. A tilted hat sat atop his head hiding his face. A murky brown coat pulled tightly around him. A flicker of his blue eyes was the only drop of color in the otherwise blackened scene.

Kevin threw Beth onto the sparkling floor and thundered above her.

“How dare you leave this house without asking me?” He stormed.

She simply looked at him - her eyes dead, the light in them dormant – annoying him farther. Her outraged fiancée slapped her, causing another mark to form beside the purple one.

“Now, go and get ready for the evening’s masquerade party.”

Saying this he motioned to a servant and left.

The timid Mrs. Wilson scurried across the hall and took Beth to her room. This old lady had seen the wounds inflicted upon Beth and had nursed worse injuries. The victim had turned to stone acting as if immune to everything. Mrs. Wilson dressed her in a rosy gown and applied make up to hide the mark n her cheek. But no amount of the powder would completely hide the blemish. Beth’s ebony hair was pulled up in a neat chignon and she looked like a ceramic doll. Just as beautiful and lifeless. Lastly, a mask was added to her attire, hiding half of her face.

Guest arrived in bevies and soon the magnificent hall was filled by people – beautifully dressed with their visage concealed by an adorned mask. Behind a mask were those blue eyes. Those eyes were searching for something… or someone.


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Mon Feb 25, 2013 11:42 am
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Katty wrote a review...



I think the story lays incomplete but it is truly well written. i should think the writer should add a complete ending. Again i would say the use of words was fantastic and feelings and emotions were all well expressed. I would like to know what actually happened with beth and the last thing is that the story is really full suspense. It is truly remarkable!!!!!!!!




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Mon Feb 25, 2013 11:38 am
Katty says...



This really a beautiful and interesting story!
they way the writer expressed the feelings of Beth is fantastic and above all the words used are truly amazing!




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Mon Feb 25, 2013 11:35 am
Katty says...






Angelorchid says...


Hey, wow thanks for your comment! It's very encouraging and I hope you'll read the second part. :)



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Mon Feb 25, 2013 9:52 am
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Auxiira wrote a review...



Hey AngelOrchid! Auxiira here to review your work!

I love the imagery in this piece! It's beautiful.

The repetition of "A" at the beginning of every sentence in the third paragraph makes the paragraph slightly annoying to read. Maybe run two of those sentences together.

A pair of eyes followed the car, as a man came out from behind the trees. A tilted hat sat atop his head hiding his face. A murky brown coat pulled tightly around him. A flicker of his blue eyes was the only drop of color in the otherwise blackened scene.

"A pair of eyes followed the car and a man came out from behind the trees. Atop his head sat a tilted hat that hid his face and a murky brown coat was pulled tightly around him. The blue flicker of his eyes was the only drop of colour in the otherwise blackened scene."
Just to me it sounds a bit better.
Also, how does the man come out from behind the trees? Does he creep, slink, scuttle? Where are the trees? Do they surround the park? Do they line the road? What colour blue are the man's eyes exactly? It makes it easier to define later. A little more information is needed here.

I also heve a little nit-pick about how the two people get to the house. I didn't even realise that they were at the house until I reread it! Maybe describe the house. Is it a huge, sparking mansion with towers, a palace with towering spires? Tell us more about the house and how Kevin enters the house. We can tell that he's carrying her, since he throws her to the floor, but how does he throw her?

Also, he has to reach down to slap her, so show us that. The servant has to pick her up from the floor too.

You talk about a magnificent hall, but we don't see it, nor is it described to us. Try doing that.

Behind a mask were those blue eyes. Those eyes were searching for something… or someone.

Try "Behind one of those finely decorated masks were the man's blue eyes. They were searching for something... or someone."

I like this, but it's a little lacking in detail and action explanations, so try and work on that.

Hope I helped and keep on writing!
Auxiira^^




Angelorchid says...


Thanks Auxiira for your awesome suggestions! :)




I want to see people turn and writhe; make them feel things they cannot see and sometimes do not know.
— Anna Held