Young Writers Society

Hi Lakshmi! Yastika here for a review as requested!

This was a beautiful poem, it had this lingering sadness, yet bold strength in every word that captivates the readers. I loved your use of words, it fit right in with the depth of this piece. It's interesting the way you start this poem with a question, as though you wish to start a conversation, This itself draws the reader in and gets them into the poem. It often happens that we read the poem, but aren't quite into it, probably because the poem wasn't all that relatable or interesting. The way you started with a question caused quite the opposite, I was with you through the poem.

I noticed you started every line with a capitalized letter. Is this your writing style? I've noticed a lot of writers on YWS do this, and it isn't wrong, either. It's just that you need to be careful with your capitalization in poetry, since if it goes wrong it can be rather disrupting for the reader.

I liked your second 'What if?'. It helped the readers feel level with the poet, and was a good way to help us understand the meaning of the poem.

Unable to make out whether to give in--

To their heart

Or to the unjust law of nature of solitary being

Heyheyhey, it's a person here to review your beautiful work!

I really love this poem, it's really captivating in a way. By the way nice work with the descriptive language there.

Just like magpie said I was a bit confused and felt in the dark as who the 'they' were. Maybe you could enlighten us or maybe add a few hints towards who those 'they' people were. It's actually pretty mysterious if you think about it (Again really magpie suggested this). It makes the reader really think, who is this 'they?' They can let their mind soar throughout the possibilities. I'm not entirely sure if that's what you wanted for to happen but that's what I felt like!

I think the reviewers down below me have already proven likewise of what you need to improve on but this really sounds melodic in a way. It flows perfectly, it almost reminds me of a song.

But I was kind of lost as to what the whole purpose of this poem was. I mean it turned to a bit of dusk in the mix with some lover's embrace I believe...? And then the whole thing got me confuzzled and scratching my head, thinking what? I think you should maybe make the whole purpose a bit clearer for the readers.

Don't be discouraged by my review though, it was a marvellous poem and I think you could touch it up a bit to make it even better! Your detailing is spot on as well as your grammar and spelling.

I look forward to reading more of your works soon!

Hi Lakshmi!

I am here as requested! I have already mentioned that I am a little bit rusty when it comes to poetry writing, so I will do my best! It seems like Magpie has already focused on all of the technical things so I will try to make this a bit more about the content.

I did enjoy reading this poem. I think that you had some nice descriptions in there, and I liked how all the things you mentioned represented how the couple were together and what they either could or couldn't do. There were a few problems I had but the majority of them were minor things. It was a short poem but there is no crime in that, we didn't need to know how these people fell in love or too much about their situation. All we needed to know was they weren't supposed to be together but decided it was worth the risk as well. They were confident in themselves and left everyone in awe of them. I liked that it made me admire whoever these two characters were.

What I didn't understand, though, was how this poem message actually related to the dusk. Yes, you did compare the people to the dusk, but after that you steadily went on to give some descriptions that had almost nothing to do with dusk. And in the end the couple were more closely compared to the sun and moon who couldn't be together instead of the dusk, really. So maybe a clearer relation to the time period of night when it is dusk would be appreciated. I just thought it was a bit off to see it there but not understand why it was there expect for when it came to making the poem seem more 'pretty' in use of language.

I am not sure how I feel about the repetition of the question either. I liked hearing it the first time although I would advise you to make that 'they are' instead of 'they're' just because it sounds better to me. I thought having only repeat twice was a bit too few to call it a clever use of repetition in the poem and in my opinion it was a bit awkward. Especially as you had the whole 'once again' coming before it which emphasized that it was simply a repeat. I would cut it out for the second time and find a different way to connect the two halves of the poem instead. I think if you did want to use repetition it would have to be that question used more than once in a longer poem than this one.

I thought the ellipsis at the ending was a bit weird to have as a final as well. I feel like endings need to be solid and concrete. Having the ellipsis made it seem that at any point the couple could easily snatch back their hands and decide to sever the strong connection you have developed throughout the poem. It would be much more effective in strength of the poem as well if it simply ended with a full stop instead.

I know it was a good thing that you didn't give us too many details about the people in the poem. But I couldn't help wondering what it was about these people that kept them apart. I am sure there had to be something substantial. And even if you didn't want to make it too easy for the reader by making it direct, then perhaps it would be good if you mentioned it in a comparison with something like the sun or moon, or whatever descriptive language you want to use. I know that would be nice!

That's all the help I can give! This seems like a rough review to me, but I hope you find it helpful in some way! Looking forward to seeing more of your works around the site.

Deanie x

Hello, Lakshmi, and welcome to YWS!

You have lovely word choice in this poem, and I never really thought about dusk this way. I was rather enchanted by it, to be honest.

That being said, there are a few things in this poem you might change to make it even better.

One of the first things I noticed about this poem is that "they" is never defined. This is something that many young poets do. They allow the reader to substitute their own entity for "they." However, you are the poet, and it loses meaning if the poet leaves too many blanks to be filled in, especially if the blank is the subject of the poem.

If you're unwilling to blatantly state who "they" is, try hinting at who they are. Day and Night? That would be an obvious choice. A pair of lovers? Interesting. But who? Hint, at least. If you are hinting in the poem, the hint isn't quite conveying what you want it to.

Another thing I'd like to address is the format. While there's nothing wrong with how you've formatted it, most modern, unrhymed poetry is left aligned. Just a thought. Also, I noticed that you capitalize the first letter of every line. This isn't wrong, but I don't know if you're aware of the other ways to capitalize poetry. This article is very useful in that aspect: Capitalization in Poetry

This sounds like a nitpick, but the end punctuation of this poem isn't very strong. Don't end poems with an ellipsis-- it makes the poem seem to peter out, rather than end on a strong note. It's as if it's taking a dying breath rather than a triumphant last stand, if that makes sense. I suggest you simply end the poem with a period.

They happen to be nothing but an illusion,
With the sun neither above or below the horizon,

Impotent they become,

Unable to make out whether to give in--
To their heart
Or to the unjust law of nature of solitary being