Young Writers Society

Hello CapitalMonday here for a review. i like to begin on how there is great uses of alliteration in this poem and how some people could relate since the inside of most people's brains are like an ocean, bouncing off the rocks and going back into their place in business.

Nitpick(s):

The only problem that i might see in this poem would maybe be how you sorta repeated (but said a different way), the salt, the sand, the sun almost sounds like the whacking, the water, the weed. i think maybe you are using that as repetition or something.

the whacking, the warping wrath I don't think the word -whacking could describe waves since when i hear of whacking, i think of an woodsmen cutting down a tree with an ax or something. Maybe use something like -whispering or -washing... just a suggestion.

Overall, i believe that every poem has it good points like the alliteration example: thewind, the water, and the weed since it gives the poem a beat to follow and well-written. Also how our brains could be a wave; washing off the old memories away. while still keeping the new ones with us.

Farewell,
CapitalMonday

Hey Ohmyhugo,

Welcome to YWS!

I though this was a really good way to start at the idea and work through the idea. Overall you keep the rhythm the same between both the first and the second halves of the poem which is a nice connective part of the poem and really ties everything together nicely. With such a short poem, only being 8 lines, I like that you kept it simple, but I feel like you are attempting to put too much into the poem at once.

Instead of focusing in on one idea we end up with this contrasting message of what the brain is for this person. If the brain is built like a sea, then how is the mind built like the ocean? These two things are not the same, clearly, but the examples you use lack in description on how they form these differences as one unit making up the speaker's self work as a unit. For this reason I feel like while the poem sounds nice, there is some content you could work on. If you focused in on a solid idea you wanted to expose about how there is a change between day and night, or the brain vs the mind, I feel like you would get more information into the poem and potentially add another layer of development on top of it.

-Aley

Hey Hugo. Welcome to YWS. I dig what you're going for here. Peaceful and friendly during the day, like a family beach holiday. Chaotic and dangerous at night, like a typhoon. Good theme. Some things to improve though. First, why the repetition of the fourth/eighth line? To be honest, you didn't really need either of them; being so obtuse and transparent kind of ruins the vibe. With a single, extended metaphor like this there's no need to be so frank. I'd say axe both those lines. Second, your imagery can use more depth (pun intended). I mean, you have heaps to work with; waves, sand, the weather, sea foam. Plenty of stuff. Ocean imagery seems to be a constant element in pretty much all human literature, so we've all seen these images before. To make this piece succeed you need to enrich your images. Make them yours. I want to see you make a unique observation about some of these elements. Show me why these particular things are important to you. Otherwise it's just another poem with ocean images. Dime-a-dozen.

Good luck,

K.