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Young Writers Society


12+ Language

A Certain Magician - Chapter One (Part 2/3)

by TeaLeaf


Note: The spelling mistakes in the dialogue are deliberate.

__________________________________________________________

The market was one of the longest street markets in Europe. It reached almost a mile long in length and was the centre of the district. Shops lined the market from end to end, offering clothes, food and technology of all sorts. Small flats occupied the spaces above the shops. There were small market stalls dotted along the pavements as far as the eye could see from here. Smells of cooking food, herbs and spices wafted in the air and Zack found his stomach growling. The fresh foods were vibrantly coloured and the flags flashed in the sunlight.

“Ger-rapes…ger-rapes…ger-rapes, ger-rapes, ger-rapes!” one stall holder sang, his off-key voice carrying through the air. “A kilo of grapes for just ’alf a pound. Lovely sweet and fresh grapes…”

Zack was surprised that customers walking through the market hadn’t yet wrapped their hands around the stall holder's neck to strangle him.

“Freshly cooked samosas! Come and git ’em while they’re still hot!”

Up ahead, a crowd was gathered, blocking almost all of the path through the market off. The path had been narrowed by the crowds and was now just about wide enough for one or two people to slip through on both sides.

“Bloody buggering hell,” Zack grumbled as he tugged on one of the straps of his backpack. “Not another crowd.”

He would have to squeeze past the crowd and that was if they would let him. Half the time, most people couldn’t even hear above the shouts and loud voices in this market. Even the stall holders had trouble yelling their deals and offers to people.

Screams and cries suddenly erupted from the crowd but quickly turned into hacking coughs as dust rose into the air. Zack paused in his tracks and frowned and immediately regretted it the moment the dust swarmed into his face. Violent coughs shook Zack’s body and he squeezed his eyes shut but tears still managed to squeeze themselves from the corners of his eyelids. He covered his face with his arm in an attempt to block the dust but it was no use.

“And that’s all, folks!” someone yelled from within the crowd. The voice sounded like it could belong to a kid. It still had that teenage essence to it, as if it was just freshly broken.

The crowd broke out into cheers and claps, and people yelled in amazement. Zack slowly opened his eyes and lowered his arm from his face. He shook his head and snorted in disgust. It was probably someone just performing “magic” tricks to earn money. For some reason, this market had always attracted people like that, phoneys eager to con their ways for a little money on the streets. Zack tapped the toe his boot on the ground impatiently and glanced at his wristwatch. It read 16:02 and he suppressed a groan. He was going to be late for his afternoon studies if he didn’t get home soon enough and then he wouldn’t get the stellar grades he desperately wanted and needed…

Finally, the crowd dispersed, breaking Zack from his thoughts. Now, he could get home on time and get his studying done at last. Sighing with relief, Zack pressed on. He found himself falling into step with the people beside him, trudging through the market at the same pace.

“’Scuz, please. Sorry, mister,” someone mumbled into Zack’s ear and he was gently pushed aside by a kid who couldn’t have been older than him, still with the touch of a young boy. His jet-black hair stuck out at the bottom of his filthy newsboy cap as if desperately trying to escape.

He struggled to get past, walking on his toes to glance over the crowd. Then someone collided into him, smashing into his shoulder. Zack heard him gasp in pain as the person slipped into the crowds without a word of apology, and caught a glimpse of the kid’s electric blue eyes as he turned his head to catch sight of the already disappeared person. Grumbling and rubbing his sore shoulder with one hand, he faced the front again.

Something heavy landed on one of Zack’s boots.

Zack groaned and skidded to a halt. He looked down at his feet and his mouth dropped open into a gaping “o”. Lying inches from Zack’s boot was a wallet fat and stuffed to the brim with money. His heart lurched into his mouth and his eyes widened. He picked it up and turned it in his hands, admiring the weight and feeling the worn leather with his fingers,

Christ on a bike! How much money is in this thing?

Then the realisation hit him like an icy cold wave. The wallet must’ve belonged to the kid with the grubby newsboy cap. Who else had been walking in front of him at the time?

Zack had to return the wallet.

“Hey, wait!” yelled Zack, his cry piercing above the constant hum and chatter of the crowd. “You dropped something!”

The kid bolted.

What the..?

The kid disappeared, dissolving into the crowd as quick as a flash. Zack’s eyes widened.

“Wait, I’ve got your wallet!” he cried, hurtling himself through the crowd, shoving surprised and annoyed people aside. “I’m not going to hurt you!”

But the boy continued to run.

People yelped and cried out in shock and surprise as Zack shoved them out of his way, and he quickly mumbled apologies that were lost the moment that they joined the stamping hum of the crowd. The boy’s cap bobbed in and out of view between the bodies and heads of people but Zack was determined to find him.

Zack’s breath came in ragged gasps and his throat burned. Sweat hastily gathered and rolled down the sides of his face. People smashed into him from all directions, sending white hot pain shooting through his body but he didn’t care. Just when he thought that the market and the crowds would never end, he burst out of the crowd and into the open, and it was as if Zack had hit fresh air and was free of last of the tidal wave of people. He caught sight of the young boy a few metres ahead.


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Mon Nov 17, 2014 2:43 pm
ThereseCricket wrote a review...



Hi! Cricket here for a review!

Saw the name of this story and couldn't resist the urge to review. ^ ^ I hope this helps you out.

What Buggie said, is completely true in regards to the author's note. Also, it's apparent that you were purposefully misspelling those words, so unless some of us are really stupid... xD then I think the point would be driven across without the author's note.

That aside, I love how you did the dialogue. I generally look at dialogue as a way of defining a character and what they are. Words mean something, to some person out there, and written properly they have power. But anyways, I totally love how you did this dialogue here, because it shows what these characters are like. Rough language, that isn't cultivated or somewhat refined, or even close to refined for that matter, shows that the character is indeed rough or at least of a lower ranking. lol Although, if someone was shouting like that and wouldn't shut up, I'd be more than happy to strangle him myself. I can't abide people shouting senseless nonsense all the time. xD

The market was one of the longest street markets in Europe


Small bit of redundancy here. You mention market twice in the same sentence.

stellar grades he desperately wanted and needed…


Yeah, I'm like an enemy of the ellipsis, but I hope that doesn't stop you from listening to me here. This ellipsis needs to be gotten rid of. An ellipsis represents a trailing off, true, but it's usually used in dialogue and not very often in a narration. Not to mention, it doesn't exactly read off very well. Hope that makes some sense. ^ ^

gently pushed aside


Bleeeh, have him roughly pushed aside. To rattle cages.... ;)

And yeah, that's all I can really nitpick here. What I will say for your writing style is this: It gives you a visual. Now obviously a style that is loaded with description might be said to give the reader a visual, but this one isn't description packed. Why I think it gives such a good and awesome visual is because you have the five senses so well mixed in. Very nicely done. When the five sense are all mixed in, the reader can get a clear picture of everything, on a different level besides sight. Smell, feel, texture. You got it pretty well down, I think. I would suggest putting a tiny bit more of smell and touch in it, just to sharpen up the colors and enhance the picture a bit. :D

I'd have to say that I am curious about what is going to be happening next, and I might possibly move forward with this story. Although, I'm not entirely sure. I have a bunch of novels that I am reviewing right now, but I definitely try and come back to this one.

Okay, that's all from me for now! I'm sorry, that this is shorter than usual but I hope it helped you. ^ ^

Keep writing!

~Cricket




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Tue Nov 04, 2014 3:55 am
Ventomology wrote a review...



Heya! Nice addition!

Anyhow, let's get on with the review.

First thing: You really don't need to put that little dialogue note at the beginning of each installment. Most people ignore dialogue grammar unless it sounds unnatural, or the character says something out of character.

Now then, my biggest comment for you is that your sentences, while it's good that they're complex, are a little hard to understand. If you're going for a rambling kind of voice, that's usually okay, but sometimes I have to read a sentence two or three times to catch the meaning. I think it's a combination of missing or extra commas and extravagant similes. (I'm not saying that similes are bad, but yours are especially long).

Also, I've been told to avoid having too many adverbs, and will pass the note along to you. You weren't over-using them, but they tended to appear in herds, several in one small area, which makes the reading a little cumbersome.

Whew... that's out of the way.

I think I missed part 1, so I'll get to that, but it seems that this picks up where the prologue left off. Anyhow, I'm happy with the way you've executed this portion. It's detailed, has a nice flow, and a distinct voice. I think Zack's personal opinions (especially on returning the wallet) could be elaborated more, but that's really my only complaint for characterization. (How a character rationalizes their actions is very important!)

Overall, nice job! I'll be back!
-Buggie





It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live.
— Albus Dumbledore