Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Well...this was a very interesting story to say the least...I am loving this concept here...let's see where this goes..also looks like a killer cliffhanger there at the end of this.

Anyway let's get right to it,

I don't think that you know me; at least not yet. Most of you don't know me for a while, but don't worry, not knowing me is a good thing. A good thing in the fact that you haven't moved to another universe, or changed your status recently -what I mean by changed your status, is the transition between where you are now (living and breathing) to something very different; where there's only one way to put it. Dead.

I won't go to the trouble of introducing myself; not because I'm being rude. You just don't want to know my name. Knowing my name isn't the best thing -what you want to know is what I'm talking about, well most people swoon, pant, and beg me to take them back, back to their home. Not because I caught them; I would never do a thing like that, but that's almost metaphorically what I did. Infact, I came down from my perch, when the time was right; and carried their soul up to heaven. When they get up there, the idea of heaven shifts and changes; what it really is, is a massive database of all the people who have come here, or at least visited. Most think of pink fluffy clouds, golden gates, colonnades... I could go on about what they think of -all of them inaccurate and filth. Ironic that I think it's filth, when really this was your idea of perfect harmony; the resting place not just for you, but for many of your loved ones.

They cry, point out the obvious, call out to the ones they loved on the floor -underneath them- 'where are you?', 'I still love you.' Hearing this for the first time, you feel keen to turn them back, save their lives, only for them to clumsily lose it again. Not me, not me, oh no, not me. Only once have I saved a man from this, this realisation that they are never going back to their loved ones; just in time for tea. Standing there, all alone on that stormy afternoon; I watched him cry out to the wind spiraling above him, wanting his friends back, and for good. He wished away for the storm to pass, and the warm skies to return. Out of nowhere a tree was torn from it's roots by the force of the swirling wind; branches and roots flailing about like mad. Frozen, and not just by the icy horizontal rain, the fear that cloaked him.

Tearing my eyes away from this scene, I waited for the swooning, the cries, and the calling out to his loved ones... none came. Just panting quickly and softly, he faded into my view; his only words, "Send me back," He paused waiting,"I know where I am, I saw where I was going before I even knew that thing was coming towards me, now, send me back."

"No," I said calmly, watching the pink fluffy clouds turn into grey mist.

"If you can't send me back, then at least tell me why.

Softly chuckling to myself, if only you knew, I thought to myself, if only you knew the harsh reality of what you have just faced."I cannot send you back, but I can offer you time, and a great many other things."

"Then what can you give me? You say you can give me a great many other things, none of my family fits in with a great many other things. None of what I want fits in with many other things. So tell me now; what do I do?"

"Wait."

Heya, RandomCollumns! I'm here to review your work!

So, to dive right in, here's the first thing I noticed. I think the first phrase isn't the best choice of words. It doesn't sound right, so I think you should change "don't" to "didn't". It makes more sense than your previous choice. Secondly, there shouldn't be any spaces around dashes or hyphens or even ellipsis...they tick me off. So I think taking that space after "recently" out would be perfect for the looks of your work, but it's entirely your decision. You could also take that comma out after "status", because it isn't needed.

"Most of you don't know me for a while, but don't worry, not knowing me is a good thing. A good thing in the fact that you haven't moved to another universe, or changed your status recently -what I mean by changed your status, is the transition between where you are now (living and breathing) to something very different; where there's only one way to put it."

And, you don't need that semicolon. It is not the best choice of punctuation in this case. A nice, simple comma would work better.

"I won't go to the trouble of introducing myself; not because I'm being rude."

So, the phrase after the hyphen isn't very...smooth. I think it would be better to say, "-what you want to know is what I'm talking about. Well, most people swoon,..." because that is probably more flowing and not so run-on. And, another improper use of semicolon shows up. A comma doesn't hurt to use, so why don't you use it? Also, you should put a space between "in" and "fact", because those are two seperate words and not one. And, on that very last semicolon, it is not needed. Commas. But, instead of a comma after "perch", there should be absolutely nothing.

"Knowing my name isn't the best thing -what you want to know is what I'm talking about, well most people swoon, pant, and beg me to take them back, back to their home. Not because I caught them; I would never do a thing like that, but that's almost metaphorically what I did. Infact, I came down from my perch, when the time was right; and carried their soul up to heaven."

Next, you need a quotation mark after "why". And, if you want the main character to think something, it's best to put her thoughts in italics, so other people can tell it's a thought. You also use "myself" one too many times in the second paragraph. You could say, "I softly chuckled to myself. If only you knew, I thought, if only..." You should also put a space between a period and a quotation mark.

""If you can't send me back, then at least tell me why.

Softly chuckling to myself, if only you knew, I thought to myself, if only you knew the harsh reality of what you have just faced."I cannot send you back, but I can offer you time, and a great many other things."

That's all I have to say! This was really a wonderful piece, and I think you should keep writing...forever. Have a great day!

-wisegirl22

Hey there! Wolfie here to give you a review on this lovely piece!

First off, this is pretty short. You say that you are going to split this into three pieces, which is perfectly fine, but it seems like each of those sections are going to be short, like this one. Sometimes, that's a good thing. After all, each work on this site is guaranteed to receive at least two reviews, so you'll get a total of at least six reviews. However, posting more works costs more points (but if you review enough, as you seem to be doing, you'll be fine), and sometimes, reviewers tend to run out of things to say when everything in the story hasn't been shown yet. Just keep these things in mind; whatever you choose to do is completely fine!

Before I move onto the story, I'm going to point out a few nitpicks...

Knowing my name isn't the best thing -what you want to know

his only words, "Send me back," He paused waiting,"I know where I am,

"If you can't send me back, then at least tell me why.

hi there, and welcome (a little late) to YWS!
you can call me Iron and just call anytime you need anything [creepy smiley face]

I can tell there's a lot more where this came from in your mind! As I read this, I just pictured the wheels turning in your head and all the good ideas you were spewing onto the paper.
That's good! It's what drafts are for.
Now, I'd suggest, go back and proofread through. I found a few convention mishaps that I honestly don't feel like pointing out right now XD I'm sure you can get them.
This short story seems...very deep. I hope your message and story really come across by the end.
I think the main thing to focus on right now is organizing your thoughts, though they're very interesting and detailed as of now.
Crazy enough, while I read this I honestly was reminded of C.S. Lewis's style of writing at times. (I'm reading his space trilogy now so his style is really on my mind:) ).
Anyway, I hope you take that as a compliment. I encourage you to read his stuff if you aren't familiar with it already.

So...that's about it. I enjoyed the concept of this piece, of life and death and the labels you give them as 'changing status'. Anticipating the next part!

~iron.n