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Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The Veil - Chapter 17 Part 2

by megsug


Things were moving too fast. Obi had shooed Sefu away quietly, not uttering a word in response to his friend’s onslaught of questions until he got him to the door. As he opened it, he took Sefu firmly by the shoulders, pinning him down with an even gaze. “Have I ever hidden anything from you that you would benefit from?”

Blinking slowly, Sefu asked one last question in a soft murmur, “Have you gotten yourself into trouble again?”

Obi wanted to say no so badly but he merely led Sefu out the door and closed it. Mr. Fughi waited behind him.

“Are my services needed, Mr. Eshe?” He rose above Obi by about a head, and he was much broader. His size was one of the reasons Obi had hired him after he realized Conya had- perplexing Obi to no end- sacked the previous one.

Obi made for his office and replied as he was striding across the entryway. “Yes, Mr. Fughi. If you could before you prepare yourself, tell Lady Eshe that I went out with Sefu and will probably not be returning in time for dinner. She and her son should progress without me. Also, send my valet up to my rooms, I shall be there in five minutes.” He paused in the doorway to his office and looked over his shoulder, his hand free of the note gripping the molding. “And I suggest you be armed, Mr. Fughi.” With that, he slammed the door, wincing at the sound.

He just stood there for a moment, his breath coming in loud bursts from his nose before slowly relaxing his hand and staring at the crumpled paper like it was a decaying fruit. His mind grasped desperately at half formed plans, always nosing back to the idea that Princess Ihyna could be overreacting because she was so desperate to get away. The chance that this was going to be for some small slight almost made him not act, but he also knew that the girl might be completely sincere.

He couldn’t live with himself after promising to help her if something happened to Ihyna because he didn’t come to her rescue when she sent for help. There was no doubt in his mind that the note was from the girl. He had forgotten to take his robe from her when he took her back to the castle. No one else could have it… Unless this was a trap. Shaking his head, he grabbed his robes and stuffed the note in a pocket, hurrying up the stairs to his room where his valet waited, looking puzzled. He had no time to waste on what ifs. If it was a trap, he would deal with it. “Fetch a suit for me.” Holding up a finger to stop his valet for another moment, Obi added, “The one without the family seal on the pocket, please.” When the man hesitated, Obi raised an eyebrow slowly.

Soon he was being helped into a tweed jacket and straightening his tie. “Do me a favor.” He turned to look his valet straight in the eye. “I spilled coffee on that.” He pointed at the robes draped across his bed. “You know the law. Burn it and order me a new one. Be quiet about this, and I’ll add a gift onto the end of this week’s pay. We don’t need everyone knowing I’m getting to hold my own coffee.” He laughed until his valet nervously joined in and left, the rhythm of the tapping of the soles of his shoes on the stairs faster than normal.

Mr. Fughi waited in the entry way, his staunch butler’s uniform retired for the dark, understated garb of a bodyguard. While Obi could see no weapons on his body, he trusted that Mr. Fughi had many hidden. He didn’t have many, himself. Only a bad business man involved in the more questionable exchanges of society let his weapons speak for him.

“Let’s leave out the back. All of my neighbors don’t need to know that I’m leaving at such an ungodly hour of the day. I bet it hasn’t even started to cool down yet.” Obi led the way with Mr. Fughi a few paces behind him. Soon they were walking behind the houses on his street.

When they were far enough away from the big manors, their pace slowed. Mr. Fughi walked beside Obi, his eyes scanning the road and sidewalk for suspicious activity. Without even glancing at Obi, he murmured, “May I make an observation about the state of the household today, sir?”

Obi glanced up, trying to decide whether he truly heard the dry rasp of sarcasm in his butler’s voice. “Of course.”

“Very busy,” he replied, looking down to meet Obi’s eyes with a raised eyebrow.

Obi, who thought he had the arrogant smirk down to a science, marveled at Mr. Fughi’s before linking his hands behind his back with a nod. Clearing his throat, he shrugged. “I guess that depends on how much people know.” He kept his voice easy. “Anyone could say that the house really hasn’t been all that busy.” He kept looking straight ahead, smiling a little as if he were telling a moderately funny joke. “Couldn’t they?”

“I suppose, sir,” Mr. Fughi acceded, “that it takes a deep understanding of the house to catch onto those little differences.”

“And no one knows the house like you do, Mr. Fughi.”


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20 Reviews


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Sun Oct 26, 2014 8:45 pm
KindlingDragonsFire wrote a review...



Hi, Meg!
Dragon here for a short REVIEW. Happy review day.
A quick note, I haven't read all of your chapters, I'm only on chapter seven, but I hope this can still be a helpful review for ya!

Okay, wow. First off, the dynamics of this were really well crafted. The characters were very well balanced with one another, and had little to no traits of the hive-mind cliché. In other words, this dialogue is swell! Another thing I liked was the fact that your writing is just so... graceful, for lack of a better analogy. Everything seemed to flow smoothly into itself- the transitions, the thoughts, the everything, and there were only a few places were there things were a little bit choppy.

I've just got two nitpicks and then I'll get out of your hair.

His size was one of the reasons Obi had hired him after he realized Conya had- perplexing Obi to no end- sacked the previous one.

Earlier when I said everything was graceful, this is one of the less graceful sentences, mostly because of the ending with the hyphens. It would flow a lot better if the part inside of the hyphens was at the end, so more like "His size was one of the reasons Obi had hired him after he realized Conya had sacked the previous one, which perplexed Obi to no end." Or something along those lines.

My next (and last) nitpick is here.
Obi, who thought he had the arrogant smirk down to a science, marveled at Mr. Fughi’s before linking his hands behind his back with a nod.


Since I don't remember him smirking I would add that into the previous sentence.

OVERALL this was quite awesome. I really liked reading it, and I hope I can catch up, because I'm honestly really thrilled to read these dynamics, and I just love the dialogue.

-Dragon




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Sun Oct 26, 2014 8:33 pm
Wolfi wrote a review...



Happy Review Day!!!

This is a really nice chapter! Let's get the nitpicks/recommendations over with first...

His size was one of the reasons Obi had hired him after he realized Conya had- perplexing Obi to no end- sacked the previous one.

I don't like this sentence. For one thing, shouldn't the dashes be longer, as in an n or m-dash? (N:-- or M:---; they are molded into one line when you type it on Microsoft Word.) I always mess up with my dashes, so I'm not really sure which one it is, but I'm pretty sure that it isn't just a hyphen (-). If we overlook the dashes, I still don't like this sentence. I had to read it a few times to understand it, and even then, it is still confusing. I think that this is mostly because the "perplexing Obi to no end" part is at an awkward break. Of course, I haven't read the other chapters so I have no idea who Conya is. Oh, and speaking of names, I think your name choices are really neat!
With that, he slammed the door, wincing at the sound.

Just to make sure, is this Obi slamming the door and wincing at the sound? It kind of seems odd for a person to do both of these things, unless they slammed the door on accident, which he may have done, for all I know.
staring at the crumpled paper like it was a decaying fruit.

I honestly have no idea why, but a "decaying piece of fruit" sounds a lot better to me.

Wow! This novel seems like it has been thought out so well, with great characters and a unique plot. I didn't really know what was going on most of the time because I haven't read any other chapters, but I enjoyed what I read. It seems like Obi has some secrets that he is keeping from the others... The end dialogue seemed very clever, as was the bit about the coffee-stained robe.

Great job!

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Sun Oct 26, 2014 12:44 pm
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Rydia wrote a review...



Hello! I should note that I haven't read any of the previous sections so if I say something which you feel you've already covered sufficiently in another part, please feel free to ignore me!

Specifics

1.

He paused in the doorway to his office and looked over his shoulder, his hand free of the note gripping the molding.
This sentence is a little awkwardly phrased. I'm not sure I understand - is he holding a note? Is there a note on the wall? Try to make it a little clearer.

2. Sefu seems to disappear very early on in this chapter. We're told he's with Obi but then his position in the room or what he's doing isn't described to the point that I was unsure if he followed Obi or was left at the door or sent off with Mr. Fughi? A little more description and awareness of the other characters will help to keep your reader from getting confused.

Overall

I'm not sure I understand much of the exchange between the two characters at the end but that's probably because I'm coming to the story so late and it doesn't entirely matter because I like the way they speak. There's a really nice feeling of humour and some good catchy phrases here like 'make sure you come armed' and even if I don't get the meaning of the double layers, I like that you have them. It makes me wonder if they're referring to the house or if it's actually code for 'people are watching us'. I don't know. It adds a nice bit of intrigue though.

Obi in general seems to be a very enigmatic and energetic character and I could quickly see myself liking him while the butler is quietly imposing and that's a nice contrast. My main uncertainty is that, as I pointed out before, I've no idea where Sefu disappears to! If it is that he's left in the room then I want to understand why he instructs his servant to tell the others that he's going out with Sefu and then to join them. I'm pretty confused!

All the best,

Heather xx




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Wed Oct 22, 2014 3:33 am
Deanie says...



Hi Meg!

Oh I just love this <3 When I said put the butler in it a bit more, I didn't know you were going to play his part so well and make him a character I actually like because you built him up so well.

And the story about the princess, now that was one plotline I forgot about and I am glad you are pursuing it.

You make me the happiest reviewer ever because you take my feedback on board, but right now I have none for you. I shall leave this chapter for other reviewers who don't only have praise for you ;)

Deanie x




megsug says...


Actually, the butler wouldn't be as involved right now if you hadn't made that suggestion before! I blame his wonderfulness on you ;)




GET YER EYES AWAY FROM MY EYE SOCKETS >.>
— herbalhour