z

Young Writers Society


18+ Language

The Veil - Chapter 16 Part 2

by megsug


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language.

Obi studied him for a long moment and nodded. “Come with me.”

Lekan pondered staying, only to realize that if he stayed he would only be sulking. Slowly getting up, he followed his uncle out of the room. “Where are we going?” His slippered feet were silent on the hardwood floor underneath the rhythmic clack of Obi’s shoes. He wondered if his uncle’s feet were ever hot. When he realized Obi wasn’t going to answer, he sighed. “Why aren’t you with Mom?” he asked, not really expecting an answer.

“It’s too hot on the patio.” Lekan could have sworn his uncle’s lips were tilted in a small smirk as Obi glanced back for a moment. “I offered the library instead, but it seems your presence gave your mother a headache, so she retired.” He shrugged. “Most ladies are taking a nap around this time of day anyway.” Opening a door, he motioned Lekan in and followed him.

Lekan knew where they were going now. The stairs were dark, but as he went further, a damp coolness brushed kisses over his face. He blinked when Obi flipped a switch and dull lights flickered on, covering the stone basement in a strange quilt made of light and shadows sewn together. He turned around as Obi came down the last few stairs. “Given up cards, have you?”

Taking off his jacket, Obi shrugged. “You know, something tells me that you’ve found someone else to play cards with.”

Frowning, Lekan watched him as Obi took two foils. “What do you mean?” He took the offered blade and slipped off his shoes as Obi loosened his tie.

“I mean you’ve been playing cards with someone else. That’s why I gave you the cards in the first place.” He raised an eyebrow. “Did you think I meant something else?”

Lekan shook his head, bending his knees and stretching his arms. “I don’t know what I think anymore.” He swung his foil a few time in the silence, searching for a stray thought to boost his spirits, and suddenly grinned. “Hey, do you remember, a few days ago, when you said I couldn’t get Qui’in.”

Leaning his weapon against the wall to roll up his sleeves, Obi glanced up at him, surprise written in the way curve of his eyebrows. “You mean the veiled whore?”

Waving the correction away, Lekan leaned forward. “I got her.”

Obi laughed. “What?”

“I’ve seen her every day for the past three days. What do you say to that?” He smugly stabbed into the air, dancing about nimbly.

“I’d say seeing is a far cry from fucking. What have you been doing, boy? Stalking the poor woman?” Obi stretched calmly, watching Lekan as he dodged an imaginary foe.

Rolling his eyes, Lekan stopped his shenanigans as quickly as they had started and leaned against his blade. “Are you saying all you can do with a woman is fuck with one, Uncle? That doesn’t sound like you…” He smiled cheekily. “Though maybe it explains why you’re not married yet.”

Scoffing, Obi took up his foil and stepped onto the strip someone had painted long ago. The white markings were faded and in some places, completely gone. It wasn’t so much that someone couldn’t repair the lines as much as no one really wanted to. It was forgotten who had turned the depressingly small basement made in the case of horrific sandstorms into a place to duel, but it was considered a holy place by the Eshe men. Boys came into their manhood when their fathers led them down the stairs to teach them how to hold a sword. They knew where the lines were. There was no need to touch the first markings. “Let’s stop with the banter.”

Lekan stepped up and mirrored him, becoming much more serious. Fencing was not a game to be taken lightly in the Eshe household. He couldn’t help but murmur a snide, “Does this mean that I’m right?”

“Ready?” Obi called on top of Lekan’s statement, raising his sword as Lekan did. They both took a moment to absorb the quiet. “Fence!”

Lekan lunged and felt his sword touch Obi’s shoulder. He backed up, feeling a little more genuine than he had since the smuggling incident. Smirking at Obi, he positioned himself again. “Ready,” he called, watching Obi’s face as they lifted their blades. The old man seemed unruffled though that wasn’t much of a surprise. Lekan wondered what his secret was. Obi was always a rock. Sometimes a little too rock-like for Lekan’s taste, but perhaps there was something to be said for being dependable.

He smiled as Obi slowly raised an eyebrow. “Fence!”

Lunging again, Lekan missed as Obi dodged and tapped his chest.

“Boy, you know better than to repeat attacks.”

Backing away, Lekan sighed. “I didn’t realize this was another lesson. I outgrew those years ago.” He looked up when Obi didn’t start calling, and Obi had a look of such pity and disdain that Lekan felt it hit him in the stomach. “I… I mean…”

“Ready!” Obi raised his sword, and Lekan did the same a moment later.

“Fence!”


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
1417 Reviews


Points: 3733
Reviews: 1417

Donate
Thu Nov 20, 2014 4:01 pm
Noelle wrote a review...



Hi there!

You know, it's really hard for me to find things to say about these chapters. Your writing is so good and the characters you've created are equally as great. The relationship between Lekan and Obi seems to be visited in each of the chapters and it's always the same. That's the kind of consistency that readers look for in a novel. There is always that new bit of information we find out every so often, but that's great for character development.

I really could go on and on about how awesome your characters are, but I think I'll move on to other things.

Your writing is wonderful. Each of these chapters are broken up into parts, but it doesn't feel like different parts to a chapter when you read it. It feels like each chapter is completely related to the other and they just flow together so well. I haven't reviewed this in a while, but I still feel like I just got back from reading Chapter 16 Part 1. It's all intertwined wonderfully and I really like it.

I think I've gushed enough so I'll talk about something that I think you could work on :3 As much as I love Lekan, he is quite confusing at times. I can't decide if he's indifferent to the world and his situation or if he's upset about it all. We had a good look at his feelings in the last chapter where he gets together with his friends. We found out that he doesn't really seem to fit in with this friends, but that's it. Does he still feel guilty about leaving them? Is he going to be thinking about them while he's away? I think I've mentioned this before, but I feel like there isn't much talk about Lekan going away. When is it exactly that he's going to be sent away? Are there people around the town that know about it? How do they react to it? Basically, I feel like you could add some more in here about Lekan. The story seems to focus around Obi and Qui, which is fine, but Lekan is still an important character. I find myself wishing to find more about him and what he's going through (despite how much I LOVE seeing Qui and Obi).

Keep up the brilliant writing! One of these chapters I just won't be able to review because it's so awesome. I think I could go on and on about your characters and their relationships, but I think I'll save some of it for my next review ;)

I'll get to the next chapters soon!

Keep writing!
**Noelle**




User avatar
806 Reviews


Points: 1883
Reviews: 806

Donate
Sun Oct 26, 2014 5:16 pm
Aley wrote a review...



Hello! This has been in the green room for way too long.

Okay, so here are my reading comments.

He blinked when Obi flipped a switch and dull lights flickered on, covering the stone basement in a strange quilt made of light and shadows sewn together.


While this is very pretty, and very poetic, it really doesn't tell us much about the stone basement. We can now see that the dull light is probably old and needs replacement, but what is holding it to where? Is it in a lamp, or on the ceiling, or somewhere else?

Also, what about this basement makes it a strange quilt? Why do we need to think about a quilt? Get to the point and instead of speaking poetically, go more into prose here describing things like what's in the basement.

He smugly stabbed into the air, dancing about nimbly.

The art of fencing isn't hard to master, but it could spell disaster ^.-

Actually my comment on this is not a rip off of One Art. You say he dances about nimbly, but I feel like it would be better if we actually got a description of what hew as doing, like is he in fencing stances? If so, which ones?

I found a resource: A brief look at Stances &Guards of Medieval Longsword

Even if he is just playing about, he could be playing about with a direction/area of his blade, or what he's doing to be so nimble.

Out of the reading comments, I have to say that none of these things are what I'd work on right now for your story.

This is the only section I've read of your story. This is probably the only one I will read of your story. The problem is that even in this section, I don't feel something key coming across that you need to work on, which is none of the above things.

What I would like to see you work on is developing Obi into a character. Right now, he's sort of a character, but he's very two sided in this clip. He speaks like he's Lekan's age, and like he's buddy-buddy with him but Lekan himself denies that even though he plays to be familiar and comfortable with his uncle as well.

I understand that I'm coming into the middle of something, but throughout all of it, we need to be able to see and feel these characters as characters and that is a little lacking for me with Obi, and thus it doesn't give Lekan much to interact with. For instance, when they're walking down the hall talking about the mother, I can't really get a read on Obi at all, or their relationship. It just seems like Obi is leading Lekan to guard duty or something, not something personal or familiar at all. It's just, "Here we go, and we're walking and we're walking." which makes both of them somewhat flat.

Let's take a look at this:
His slippered feet were silent on the hardwood floor underneath the rhythmic clack of Obi’s shoes. He wondered if his uncle’s feet were ever hot. When he realized Obi wasn’t going to answer, he sighed.


[By the way, he wouldn't be fighting in slippers, did he take them off?]

In this section Lekan is so distracted by his own thoughts, that I forgot what Obi was answering, or not answering. He's completely into himself, and not external with Obi, looking for the answer at all. Some of the ways you could improve the 'these are people' feel to this story would be to include something like Obi's facial expressions, does he frown, does his brow knit, do his wrinkles deepen for a second, do the muscles around his eyes twitch, does his nose flare? He was just asked a question he wants no part of, or is it that he just wants it to be a surprise, or he thinks Lekan should know? There are so many options for what's going on in Obi's mind, and we have none of the clues that could help us figure it out because all we get is an internal dialogue about maybe his feet get hot. Why would his feet get hot? What're his shoes like? If he's going to get distracted by it, he might as well explain why his uncle is clicking.

That being said, I feel like a lot of these opportunities aren't taken yet in this writing and if you added them in, we'd get a better feel for whomever Lekan is with, as well as Lekan himself if you showed us the other character, then showed us Lekan's assumptions about what he saw.

After all, if he's a fencer, and a card player, he should be able to read facial expressions, or at least make an educated guess about some of the thoughts which would lead to some interesting assumptions. He's obviously a sharp wit if he's on such high terms with his uncle, so show us that wit internally too.

This review was brought to you by the unaligned.
-Aley




User avatar
1634 Reviews


Points: 67548
Reviews: 1634

Donate
Sun Sep 28, 2014 4:03 am
View Likes
Deanie wrote a review...



Hi Meg!

Happy review day!

I am always glad to see another chapter posted even if I feel like it always takes me forever to get here. I was expecting this chapter to bounce right back to your usual quality after a little jolt from the first part of this chapter, and you didn't fail to do so at all. Once again, I am left with very little to say in my review, and left very satisfied after reading this chapter. You've got to keep up the quality writing like this, because it's what I love to see ^^

“Hey, do you remember, a few days ago, when you said I couldn’t get Qui’in.”


Just a quick little note: This is a question so it should have a question mark.

“Ready!” Obi raised his sword, and Lekan did the same a moment later.


Before you mentioned how Obi was looking at him with such pity it shocked Lekan to the core. And in the next paragraph you have him jumping up to fence once again. It would be nice if you had a bit of a transition in between where you mention Obi seeming to rearrange his expression as he recovers and his eyes seem to focus as he gets back to fencing. It would just be a little something nice to have in there.

Also, in the previous part to this chapter, Lekan sounded so lost after his friends left and we could really see the mature side to him. He even seemed a little bit sad at the prospect of not really having any close friends. But then in this chapter, he is back to his seemingly childish side, and back to making comments and living the carefree life. I feel like we need to have a mention of this switch, otherwise it seems a bit sudden. Another transition is what I suppose I am asking after. I couldn't gather if we were seeing things from Lekan's or Obi's point of view because there was no lean to either of them, but it would be nice if we are seeing things from Obi's point of view for him to notice Lekan putting that mask back on again, keeping his emotions in check. Or Obi thinking that Lekan needs the fencing to happen now, to take his mind off his friends as well as seeing this as another lesson opportunity. Or if things are from Lekan's point of view it would be nice to see him putting the mask back on himself.

Otherwise, there really is nothing more for me to say. This was a brilliant chapter, as good as all your others. Keep writing ^^ I can't wait to know what is going to happen next. :)

Image

Deanie x





Remember when dad's shoulders were the highest place on earth and your mom was your hero? Race issues were about who ran the fastest, war was only a car game. The most pain you felt was when you skinned your knees, and good byes only meant tomorrow? And we couldn't wait to grow up.
— Unknown