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Young Writers Society


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Other Side of The Ocean -Chapter 2 [Edited]

by Brunnera


A/N: Here's the second chapter of my story. The truth is, keeping chapters as short as possible are rather difficult.

~~~~~~

It had been twenty minutes since Sindell ceased her meaningless crying. In the silence that followed, Myste Delane and Lightana Zhao slowly aroused themselves from sleep, and with ease they rose into sitting positions and looked around. Seeing her friends, and comparing their wounds to hers, Sindell wondered why her injuries were the most serious.

Malvina explained to her other two friends of the situation they were in—of how they were stranded in the middle of forest near mountains, probably very far from civilization, and of how they were caught in a brutal winter, barely clothed without food or water.

A depressing silence hung in the air between the four friends for the many minutes that followed. The realization of being lost was so surreal, and the reality it was actually snowing stunned them.

“It doesn’t snow in our country,” Myste released a confused and exasperated sigh, massaging the bridge of her nose. “Wherever we are, we’re far enough for the seasons to be different.”

“Who did this to us?” Lightana wondered aloud, subconsciously trailing her fingers along the scars on her arms. The cuts were very light and did not hurt. Her gaze wandered from her own wounds to Sindell’s body.

Her condition was dreadful. Dark bruises covered up most of her yellowish-tan skin, and where bruises were absent, cuts replaced them. The scrapes on Sindell’s body were unlike Lightana’s—they were long and deep, disgustingly crusted with dark red blood, as though a razor had been pressed and dragged slowly along her skin. The left side of her head was bleeding, the red blood stained a part of her short hair, and the sight was too gruesome to look at any longer.

The woman looked so beaten up that her face—which was completely untouched—stood out from her sore and marked body.

Noticing Lightana’s grimace, Sindell laughed bitterly. “I know I’m not as pretty as I usually am.”

Myste frowned, her voice riddled with weariness. “Sindell, your injuries are more serious than any of ours. We’re worried, especially since you’re bleeding at the side of your head.”

“The head wound is only serious enough to make me forget what happened before all this,” Sindell assured, earnestly. “Nothing serious, I promise. It’s just the bruises and cuts which really hurt.”

“They’re all over your body,” Malvina pointed out, her voice thick with compassion. “Whoever did this to us was primarily targeting you.”

“That doesn’t mean this person had to involve you girls, too,” Sindell muttered, looking down. The vague voice, riddled with regret, whispered again in her mind, and sent thousands of questions to her head, as to who the person was, what did she do to deserve this and why her friends were involved in this brutal beating.

A moment of meaningful silence fell upon them. It was long enough for Sindell to realize the engagement ring was still around her delicate finger, and she gently rubbed a thumb against the diamond, feeling stupid for not having noticed it earlier. The gem glinted underneath the light, sending a warm smile to her face and tears to her dark eyes.

“Daniel,” Sindell sighed quietly at the name of her fiancé.

Malvina, who was closest to her, overheard the whisper, and the thought of her own husband and child came to mind. Much to her surprise, the gold ring, proof of her marriage with her husband Verone, was still on her finger.

“This person treats us like trash and doesn’t take our rings?” Malvina raised an eyebrow. “That’s interesting.”

Lightana looked down at her feet, relieved her gold ankle-bracelet, a gift from her parents from when she was a girl, was still with her.

“We should head out soon,” Myste announced abruptly, rising to her feet. Her friends looked up at her inquiringly as she slowly looked around. “There’s no time to lose. Let’s hope the snow isn’t so heavy.”

“Wait, you want to go out there?” Lightana repeated, eyes widening as she stood up. She stared at Myste with disbelief and snapped, “We’re dressed in undergarments, and you want to go out there? Into winter, a season our country’s never experienced before? Are you crazy?”

Myste frowned in annoyance and argued, “So what, you want to wait here for some guardian angel to come down and rescue us? We’ll die of hunger and thirst before that. We have to leave now, when the snow is still light, until we can find some sort of village or a cave or something, rather than sitting on our asses doing nothing!”

Lightana opened her mouth to continue the argument, but was halted when Sindell came in between them, her expression strained with pain from sudden movement.

“G-Guys, if there’s one time we really need to work together, it’s now,” Sindell reasoned, looking from Myste to Lightana with a serious expression on her face. “Stop fighting, and let’s just start moving. Myste is right; we have to move out even though the odds are against us.”

The Zhao heir gave in eventually, turning away as a sign of defeat. Myste murmured an apology before approaching the door and throwing it open, shuddering at the cold that she and her friends were unaccustomed to. Her eyes widened at the sight of winter and snow, at the marvellous view of the mountains, at the gold-painted sky.

She took a step out and immediately noticed a stack of clothes near the door. Raising an eyebrow, Myste examined them, discovering there were exactly four outfits, complete with four boots, waiting for them.

‘Strange,’ she mused, ‘It’s as though somebody wanted us to find it…’

She brought the clothes and boots back inside, and after expressing her suspicion, the four friends changed into the garments. The outfits were identical; a dark, long-sleeved shirt, dark and thin cotton pants, and a pair of brown, knee-length, worn-out boots. Lightana constantly grumbled the clothes were unsuitable for the serious winter (and she knew better, since she was a seamstress by profession), but it was better than nothing.

Lightana supported Sindell as the four moved out of their small shelter and into the winter.

“Wow…” Malvina’ lips slowly curved upwards into a smile as she extended an arm, watching with amazement as the slow-falling snowflakes melted on her palm. “Winter is beautiful.”

Sindell smiled and brushed away a few snowflakes which got caught in Lightana’s long hair. “Yes, winter is beautiful, but it can also be very, very harsh…I think it’s only the third or fourth day since it started snowing. We’re lucky, the blizzards won’t be coming by any time soon.”

Malvina nodded slowly, turning to Myste, who led the way. “What do you think of winter?”

Myste flashed a lopsided smile. “Sindell took the words right out of my mouth. What she says is true.”

Out of the four, Myste Delane and Sindell were the only two who had experienced winter for a brief moment in their young adulthood. Sindell went through many winters during her decade-long journey to England to pursue knowledge in dentistry, whereas Myste, being an active woman, travelled to Europe during winter time on an adventurous vacation.

However, these journeys were long ago, when the women were in their twenties. Now, the women were thirty-three, and it had been four years since Sindell returned to her home country, Malaysia, and it had been four years since she experienced winter.

Squirrels scurried about the branches, running away as the women drew near, whereas white hares retreated into snowy bushes as they approached. Flocks of birds flew overhead, heading south in great numbers, creating a scenery that momentarily distracted them from the severe situtation they were in. Somewhere along the first thirty minutes of their blind journey, they spotted an owl, perched calmly on a high branch, snowflakes alighting its thick feathers.

Though the beautiful winter and exhilarating scenes really took their minds off the grave situation they were in, a constant worry lingered in Sindell’s mind. It was a slowly rising alarm that made her rather edgy and sensitive, but with each passing minute, as the mountains began to recede and the cold really began to bite, she concluded she was simply worrying for no reason.

“I knew these clothes were way too thin,” Lightana shuddered. “I don’t think I’ve ever been through weather as cold as this before.”

Malvina shrugged. “Well, the lowest temperature you can get in Malaysia on an average day is twenty-seven degrees. I’m pretty sure we’re just on zero degrees right now.”

“The last thing we need is a geography or science lesson, Vina,” Lightana chuckled.

Malvina frowned. “Just because I’m a teacher doesn’t mean I’ll be giving out lectures. It isn’t funny, Light.”

“Sorry,” Lightana smiled sheepishly.

Most of their journey was spent in comfortable silence, with an exception for comments on the scenery and a few jokes about their girlhood. Besides, what was there to talk about when one knows one is lost in the middle of nowhere?

Sindell’s mind was completely occupied by the subject of her wounds; her mind blank as to how to find suitable supplies to properly patch herself up, especially since she was the most injured of the four. The hunger and thirst, slowly building up at the corner of her mind, soon became a concern.

A few hours into their aimless venture, Malvina was seized by sudden exhaustion. She found it harder to breathe with each minute passing by, each puff of smoke as a result from her exhales adding to the blurriness of her perception.

“We haven’t…we haven’t adapted to the winter yet,” she said, stopping and putting a hand against the decayed, white trunk of a tree. Her other hand rested on her chest as she looked up weakly. “C-Can we find a place to rest? A cave…or some sort?”

“And I thought… that I-I was the only one…who was tired,” Lightana smiled at her weakly.

“Hold on,” Sindell assured, “Let’s walk just a bit further. Hopefully there’ll be a cave somewhere.”

Sindell tried her best to keep off Lightana as she and Malvina pushed to continue, but her wounds prevented such movement. After about twenty minutes of walking, Sindell noted how her two friends were genuinely struggling with the new climate and silently prayed for shelter.

Luck smiled upon them, for a few moments later, the opening of a cave tucked away to the side of a hill came into view. With an exclamation of happiness, the four hastened their pace for the provided shelter.

However, as they reached the mouth of the cave, a medium-sized creature leaped forward and unveiled itself from the darkness, startling Myste, who was nearest to the entrance.

Taking a small step back, she eyed the white-coated cub cautiously.

“A bear cub…” Sindell murmured. Its sudden appearance rendered the women startled and paralyzed for a moment.

It was then a deafening roar tore away the confusion, and a much, much larger bear emerged from the shadows…


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26 Reviews


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Mon Sep 29, 2014 12:00 am
BillieJean wrote a review...



Okay Happy September Review Day!!!

So let me start out with staying good job!

I think you did very well with this piece and I really like it. There is so much emotion in here and it makes me feel. Which is what I think the of the writer should be. You have good structure and content and I just think you probably need to only work on your fluency a little.

Other than that I think you did a fantastic job!!!




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Sun Sep 28, 2014 9:00 pm
Wolfi wrote a review...



Happy Review Day!!!

Hi there! Knight Wolfie has arrived to help rescue this chapter from the Green Room. I skimmed through your first chapter so that I had a good idea of what this book would be about. I'll try to help you out as much as I can!

A/N: So...um, here's the second chapter of my story.

Be confident in your second chapter! Don't say "um;" if you need to say something in an author's note at all, say, "Here's the second chapter of my story."

how they were stranded in the middle of forest near mountains, probably very far from civilization, caught in a brutal winter, barely clothed without food or water.

Alright, this sentence needs some simple editing: "how they were stranded in the middle of a forest near the mountains, probably far from civilization, and how they were caught in a brutal winter, barely clothed and without food or water."
“It doesn’t snow in our country,” Myste released a confused and exasperated sigh,

You need a period instead of a comma after "country."
“I wonder who did this to us…” Lightana wondered aloud,

Using "wonder" twice in one sentence is not suggested.
“Sindell, somebody beat the crap out of you.

I'm not sure how old these women are, but know that if you wish to characterize them as very young, using language such as "crap" is appropriate. On the other hand, if they are around thirty or so, it might not seem as natural for someone to use this language. I think I also feel that this book takes place a while ago, when in reality, it is a modern story (I think). Usually I prefer not to use any bad language at all, but it's up to you.
I see later that they're thirty-three. Would women of that age use bad language as frequently? Probably not. Maybe if you just concentrate on one character that uses this language, you could effectively characterize them.
The azure-eyed woman

I think you're making too much of an effort to describe your characters every chance you can. It's okay; we don't need to be reminded of eye colors and ethnicity too much yet. You should describe the characters completely once, at the beginning, then make small references once in a while. Just not as much as you have done here. Here are more examples that you have in this text:
-"The dark-skinned woman frowned."
-"the Hispanic examined them"
-"Her light brown eyes wandered"
Many people hardly describe their characters at all, so at least you think that it's important. I'm not telling you to edit all these sentences, just a few. Some of them fit in quite nicely into the chapter.
snowflakes getting caught in its thick feathers.

"Snowflakes alighting on its thick feathers" is much more pleasant.
“I don’t think I’ve ever been through whether as cold as this before.”

Spelling alert! "Whether" should be "weather."
A pack of white wolves were ahead of them, growling and baring their sharp teeth, claws digging into the snow, and sharp, malicious eyes locked into a glare which pierced through their souls.

If this is going to be a realistic story, please don't write about a cliche wolf threat/attack. Wolves would never attack humans unless it was a mother wolf defending her pups or a rabid wolf that had lost his mind. In my opinion, a grizzly bear would be a better enemy. If you need to know anything about wolves, though, just ask me! (Sorry if I sound a bit defensive in this area; I'm a huge wolf fan.)

Make sure characterize the different women as best as you can. I'm already a little confused about who's who, with the exception of Sindell, who has been portrayed perfectly so far. I really like her character, by the way!

Awesome chapter!!! I'm already looking forward to what will happen to these women and when we will find out who beat them up. And who left the pile of clothes...? Hmmm...

I really enjoyed reading this. Hopefully my review was helpful!! :) Have a wonderful Review Day!

Wolfie




Brunnera says...


Your review was more than helpful, Wolfie. Seriously. Though it posed a bit of a writers block for me xD I'll re-edit everything and replace the wolf attack with a bear's....
Thanks again!



Wolfi says...


I'm glad I could help out! And I'm happy you're changing it to a bear attack. If you've already started writing about the wolf attack, though, keep it, by all means! If you post it I can help you make it as realistic as possible. Let me know when you post the next chapter! :D




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— WeepingWisteria