Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Well...this was quite the little story here. Packs quite the punch despite it being as small at is. At any rate, this is really well written and you do a great job conveying the kind of person that's the protagonist is here.

Anyway let's get right to it,

As I loosened the girl’s soul and took her in my arms, a sob sounded behind me. The girl’s seven-year old brother sat by her bed, head in his hands. They had been very close before the girl came down with tuberculosis.

I longed to comfort the boy, but he was unaware of my presence. His pale hair ruffled slightly as I left the room, holding the twelve-year old girl’s soul in my arms. It was a shimmering outline of a sleeping golden retriever puppy, breathing softly in content.

I reached into the boy, hoping to find the same soul inside. Instead I discovered a tiny rabbit, pushing against the child’s heart in an effort to escape the suffocating confines of sorrow. I retreated. It wasn’t his time. Outside, the soul in my arms stirred, whimpering softly. I ran a bony hand down her back, comforting the tiny creature. She wriggled around, transparent paws batting the air.

I opened up the Void, stepping through the dark hole and into my domain. The soul immediately wriggled out of my thin arms, running off into the black field to play with the tall German shepherd dog that was her father.

I strode toward my throne, a grisly chair made entirely of femurs, tibias, and skulls except for the backrest. That was a giant ribcage. Stone, the ever faithful raven, flew to my shoulder . She pecked at my ear, demanding food. I produced a small bit of liver, which I tossed upward. Stone shot upward; catching the morsel before it even began falling.

I stood and stretched, spreading my twelve-foot wingspan out from end to end. The translucent membrane in between the finger-like bones absorbed what little light filtered into the underworld and transformed it into darkness, eventually spitting the newborn night back out into the world of the living. The cries of those in the punishment valley echoed around the throne room. I sat back down, keeping my wings spread out.

Life was good.

hi it's me eleven i am ready to review 4 u
remember that i'm a horrible human but i mean well sometimes, like right now
so let's get started!

Hey, Raven, first off, I wanna say that I loved this! It was short, interesting, and especially mysterious. I was thrown off a bit at the transition to the Void, and was sort of wondering where it came from. The entire story was just a bit "woah what's that" and "where's the...wait, what?" But it was written so beautifully so it didn't really matter to me. I suggest maybe going back and editing a bit more-- maybe giving more reason to the transitions/why the main character was doing, exactly. I couldn't really tell if they were a soul collector, or...
All in all, great job, Raven! You did well.


ily lol

-londone

Hi Raven Lord, I am Ishan and I am here to review your short story. So here we go ;

Your story was just fantastic. Hats off a million times to your imagination. I liked your story very much. Especially the part where you told us the animal inside the girl's, her brother's and her father's body. You chose a theme beyond everyone's imagination. You can write a novel on this theme and it will surely become on of the finest novels on the planet. Your style of writing was just fab. I can not stop praising your work so I'll just follow you on the society. I will write it once more;
Very well written story. Unique theme.

Keep Writing!!!

Hello,
Your short story is very good and it is nicely written. I appreciate how the daughter and father had the same kind of soul (dog). I was wondering why the son's soul was a rabbit, and I wasn't sure if it was because he was shy, quiet, or fast paced. I would have liked to see more of a description of why the souls were what they were. I would have been more invested emotionally if I understood the souls. I would also have also liked a little explanation on why Death has a pet and has wings. I didn't' understand why Death needed wings if it could just open up his domain. The ending...did that mean that death was once a living being. Was Death an actual person before he/she became Death. Does Death still hold on to his/her human emotions, if he/she was a human.

Why did you end it with "was"? Shouldn't your character say "Life is good"?

Okay, that was the first thing that popped out at me as I finished reading it. Other than that, this is a very good story. I can tell that you wrote from the point of view of Death, and it kinda reminded me of The Book Thief (but without the Nazis obviously). My only question is this, why did you decide to make the human souls animals? It kinda was reminiscent of the patronuses in Harry Potter. Also, the girl has a soul like a golden retriever puppy, the father has a German shepherd soul, but the boy has a rabbit's soul. Does that mean that he had a different father? Or are the animals reflective of the human's personalities? Why would Death be exhausted at the end of the day of retrieving a soul when that's the main thing that he does? Wouldn't he relish it rather than resent it?

So with the critiques out of the way, here's what I liked about this story. First of all, and this is going to sound very shallow so just hear me out, I liked that it was short. Some of the most effective literature I've ever read was the kind that had a very powerful message and got straight to the point rather than drag on and on. Case and point: Night by Elie Wiesel. The imagery in this story was also very powerful, and if I, an ADD dyslexic, can clearly see it in my mind's eye, then you've clearly done something right. The premise behind the story was also a unique one that we do not see every day, and I find that you chose to write it the way you did very commendable.

Wow. This was incredible. When I finished reading this, the first thought that had popped up in my head was 'The Book Thief' as it was the first book I had read where it continually personified death and you had also managed to do it beautifully. I love the use of animals to represent the characters and the main Grim Reaper, he reminded me a lot of Hades... minus the wings :p I liked how it contained both elements of the transience of life and the inevitable sadness that follows while also exploring less serious themes, especially the last line (Life was good) was a good finishing touch. Overall, it was a really good piece and thankyou for sharing it!

Hello RavenLord!

This is kind of creepy... In a good way though. What I don't understand is how death could forget about the boy so easily. But, then again this same event has probably occourred many, many times, so death has kind of gone numb to it. But I like that in the after life, the girl joined her father, but I'm confused, how did a raven get there if those who are ready are dogs? Did death take one that was not ready yet? Just putting it out there. I really like the end, where death says

Life is good.

Hey Raven! Wolfie is here to repay the favor!

Oh my extremely lovely Eucalyptus trees! Okay, let me just say... this is excellent.

Stone flew to my shoulder, ever the faithful raven.

Life was good.

Hi RavenLord, Amindor here.
This short story is very detailed, containing a great perspective from the spectacular Death. I don't see any errors, and that's even better. It's wonderful.