z

Young Writers Society


12+ Violence

The Secret Service section #8

by cvandoren1


When there is enough room, I slide off my horse. I take him by the reins and just as slowly as before, make my way down the street. I look left and right at the venders, taking in the sights and smells of their products. I don’t intend to stop at any of them, but I can’t help myself when I come upon a stand selling knives.

I pull my horse over and the man there gives me a grin. Half of his teeth are rotten and the other half missing. He leans forward and I try my best not to flinch as he speaks. His breath smells even worse than any drunk I have even encountered at the tavern.

“You lookin’ for a fine knife miss?” he asks, his beady eyes studying me.

“I’m just looking, not buying. I don’t have any money. Sorry,” I reply quickly. I wasn’t sorry at all.

“Here, here,” he says, shoving one into my hand. “This one looks like it would suit you just fine.”

I had to admit, it was beautiful. The handle had been carved perfectly for holding comfortably and it was a flawless white with intricate gold swirls around the edges. The steel blade was sharp and curved just so.

I want it badly, but I hadn’t been lying when I told the man I have no money. So I tenderly set the knife back where it was originally, staring at it longingly.

My head snaps up when I hear a shout. People start screaming and everyone rushes to the sides of the street, crowding the venders and streaming into the shops. Anything to get out of the way. What were they so scared of? I craned my neck to see, but all I could see was more and more people, frantically running this way and that. I saw the smoke tendrils swirling up from a nearby store. I heard the crackling of a roaring fire that was coming closer.

People were rushing by me, slamming into me. Children were crying and wandering around, looking for their lost mothers. I wouldn’t have been able to stay upright if it wasn’t for my horse. I gripped the reins more tightly that ever. The whites of his eyes showed and they were bulging fearfully. He was starting to get jumpy and nervous.

Everyone is still running past me, but I stay put, desperately wanting to know what was going on. And then I saw them. There were four men dressed in all black armor with masks over their faces. On the front of each of their breastplates was a symbol, a crest. It was red, white and black. There were three black birds across the top and a heart at the bottom wearing a crown. At the highest point of the crest was a knight’s helmet. Though I doubt these men are honorable knights. Each man was on a black horse and carried a gun in one hand and a torch in the other. They were making their way down the road without ever stopping to allow people to get out of the way. I watch with horror as an old woman is taken down under the horses’ hooves. She barely manages to crawl away last minute.

The men on the horses don’t even cast a second glance in her direction. They just pull rocks from their saddlebags and throw them at the shop windows, following with a torch. I feel the panic and fear coming in waves now as flames erupt everywhere.

The citizens stream towards the front gates of the city, not being able to return to their homes, for the way is blocked by the four men. I can see the confused and alarmed look on the two guards’ faces, one of them Elijah’s. They clearly don’t know what to do and have never been in a situation like this before. They are trained to keep enemies out, not the citizens in. I quickly try and think of any way I could help them and come up with none.

I try and squeeze my way through the mob of fearful people. But it is extremely difficult with the horse. I make a last second decision and tie the reins to a wooden cart and then untie it again and let the horse free. The last thing I would want is to trap the poor animal in a fire. The flames are spreading quickly, as if the stores were made of gunpowder.

I pat the horse on the nose one last time before turning back to the front gates. Luckily, I am very skinny and manage to make it through. Not without earning more than a few jabs in the face and sides. People’s consideration for others can be lost quickly when consumed in fear. They just all want out, to be away from the masked men.

When I finally get to the front, I grab Elijah’s sleeve. Without looking at me, he shoves me off. I stumble back and would have fallen if everyone weren’t packed so tightly together, creating a human net.

I grab him again. “Elijah, it’s me!”

At the sound of his name, the guard turns. His eyes widen. “Keri! Why aren’t you with Liam?”

“Not now! Is there anything I can do?” I have to shout to be heard. The voices around us were getting louder and louder and the fire raged on.

“Go get Liam and tell him to bring the rest of the Royal Guard! Tell him what has happened!”

I don’t need to hear another word. I snake back out of the crowd. I found going the opposite way as everyone else was somehow much easier. Once I am free, I start sprinting, running faster than I ever have in my life. Even faster than I was from Liam just the day before.

But something stops me in my tracks. One of the intruding men is trying to take a child from a sobbing mother. He is lifting her onto the saddle in front of him. Her mother is screaming and hitting the man’s leg repeatedly, but with no effect. The next thing I know, I am rushing to her side.

I shove her out of the way and pull out my knife. I slash the arm that is holding the child. He cries out in pain, surprised. I snatch the child from the saddle and hand her to her despairing parent. The man growls and pulls out his gun, aiming for my head.

And then I am running again. I hear a shot, but I am already long gone. I dodge turned over carts and jump over their scattered items. I don’t stop running until I reach the entry to the castle. Like at the front gates, there are two men guarding the entrance. I try to step through, but they stop me.

“What is your business here?” one asks. He has serious green eyes and a grim mouth. He appears to take his job very seriously.

“I have to go into the castle. It’s an emergency!” I exclaim, breathless.

He shakes his head. “You cannot go in the castle.”

“What? I need to talk to Liam! It’s an-”

“Keri?”

I turn around to see Liam standing behind me.

I let out a sigh of relief. “Thank goodness. I’ve been trying to find you.”

He comes up to me and grabs my arms. “Where have you been? I’ve been looking everywhere for you.”

I shake my head, cutting him off. “Down at the entrance, there are four men who are torching the stores and terrifying the civilians. You have to gather the Royal Guard and go down there. Like now. Elijah sent me to find you.”

Liam’s eyes widen with every word. He says nothing and gives me a serious nod. He turns around and goes back the way he came, now with urgency in his step.

I sit on the front step, ignoring the other guard’s protest. I am surprised when Liam comes back, not a minute later, with ten men following. He glances at me. “Keri, you need to stay here. I will be back soon to help you get settled.”

I stand up, defiant. “I am coming with you. There is no way I am just going to sit here while people are getting hurt out there.”

“Keri-”

I cut him off before he can continue. “Liam, I am coming with you.”

A few of the men behind him cover their mouths to keep from laughing and one of them snorts and says, “You tell him, sis.”

I ignore them and stare Liam down.

Finally, he gives. “Fine.”

I can’t help but let a little smirk appear on my face. I follow behind all the way to the gates. The fire has spread even more, almost reaching the frantic people. The four men on horseback were slowly advancing on them, taking their time. I had no idea what their motivation was. Besides burning down Sorington, what were these men planning to do? They hadn’t even tried to come after the king or queen so their intentions must be to wound Sorington, not take it over.

As we get closer, Liam gestures to the rest of his men to surround the enemies. They do so quickly, stealthy. Within seconds, they are surrounded.

“Put down your weapons and get off your horses!” they shout.

The men in black pause for a moment and scan the Royal Guard, probably calculating their chances. And then they obey, seeing that it is four against ten. Well, eleven if you count me just hanging back here. Their guns clatter onto the street and they slowly slide off the saddles, their hands up in surrender. Liam motions for his men to go in and arrest them.

As they are being dragged back to the castle, I take a step closer and survey them. The men’s faces are angry. But they look a bit smug, too. They had just gotten captured by an enemy country and they appear as if that isn’t a problem. What does that mean?

I am thinking hard about it, when I hear a shout. I look up to see two of the Royal Guard struggling to hold one the prisoners back. It was the man that I had taken the child from and hurt his arm. The man who tried to put a bullet in my head. He was trying to get away from them, lunging in my direction.

I flinch when he starts screaming. “You! Girl, look me in the face! You better be watching your back. I’m going to come for you!”

The guards finally get control of him and put a gag in his mouth, silencing him to muffled words. Liam looks between the man and me, a mixture of confusion and anger on his face. I just look at him, not wanting to say anything, in fear that my voice might shake. My heart is pounding.

I stay where I am and don’t follow them until they are far down the street. I don’t know why his words have shaken me up so. Would he try and follow through with his threats? Isn’t staying in the castle where I will be safest? But isn’t that also where he will be staying, until his fate is decided?

When I finally approach the castle, I see Liam is there waiting for me. I see the worry in his eyes. If he is wondering about the prisoner threatening me, he doesn’t ask.

“You look pale,” he says, slipping his arm around me.

Any other time, I would have protested, but I was just too shaken up. So I lean into him and let him guide me through the halls. Why were those screams bothering me so? Why did I feel like something was really off?

After a short while, Liam stops at a door and unlocks it, guiding me inside. I look around and see an unmade bed, a dresser, bookcase and desk. The bookcase is full of books and the desk has papers scattered all over it. Liam’s room isn’t neat and orderly, but it isn’t messy either. It just simply looks lived in and I like that.

“This is my room and you can stay here for a few hours and get some rest. Your room will be set up soon, before nightfall. Obviously no one knew you were coming so . . .” Liam trails off. “I’ll grab you some clothing from the laundry room.”

He disappears and appears just a minute later. He tosses me a pair of brown slacks and shirt.

“Thanks.”


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37 Reviews


Points: 3809
Reviews: 37

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Sun Aug 31, 2014 4:54 pm
ThirdBetrayle wrote a review...



Hey!

Firstly, I would like to say that I really loved the amount of description you put into every action. Sentences like:

"Half of his teeth are rotten and the other half missing. He leans forward and I try my best not to flinch as he speaks. His breath smells even worse than any drunk I have even encountered at the tavern.

'You lookin’ for a fine knife miss?' he asks, his beady eyes studying me..."

and:

"The four men on horseback were slowly advancing on them, taking their time. I had no idea what their motivation was. Besides burning down Sorington, what were these men planning to do? They hadn’t even tried to come after the king or queen so their intentions must be to wound Sorington, not take it over."

Your use of description seriously captured the moment and made everything even more intense. You slowly walk us (the readers) through Keri's realizations and experiences. The sensory details, the question; everything just makes the story seem so real. Not to mention that you've written this is first person present tense (great choice)!!!!

There are a few things that I noticed that might be helpful. One being that because this is written in first person, you begin your sentences with the word "I" a lot. It's not really a bad thing because that is what the tense requires but once it's used again and again for every sentence, it sort of becomes expected and distracting. For example as I read and vegan noticing the "I" appear after every period, I became more drawn to focusing more on that than the rest if the information that came afterwards. I would suggest that perhaps you could take another approach every now and then. Instead of starting with "I" all the time, maybe add a twist.

Ex:

"I could see everyone running my way, screaming and panicking."

Vs.

"The screams of terror and panic surrounded me and all of a sudden, standing in the middle of a swarming crowd, I felt helpless."

I think that would make each sentence seem even more adventurous and engaging.
Also, at one point in your story, you used the word "like" as a teenager would. This sentence:

"I don’t stop running until I reach the entry to the castle. Like at the front gates, there are two men guarding the entrance."

It just threw me off completely because the rest of the grammar in this story is nothing like that. Maybe revising the word "like" at that particular point in your story would be good.

Remember, these are all just suggestions. I think that your story is awesome because it seems you put a lot of effort into it and that really impresses me.

Write on!!!




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760 Reviews


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Sun Aug 31, 2014 4:45 pm
ExOmelas wrote a review...



'venders' - is spelled 'vendors'.

'You lookin’ for a fine knife miss?' - there should be a comma before 'miss'.

'I had to admit ...

I want it badly ...' - you go from past to present tense here. Choose a tense and stick with it. The rest of the story - or what I can see just above the review box - appears to be in present tense so change the first paragraph to present tense.

I've noticed that you change tenses quite a lot. Be careful. Be very careful.

'She barely manages to crawl away last minute' - there should be an 'at' between 'away' and 'the'.

'Even faster than I was from Liam just the day before' - I know this isn't how you planned it but I hadn't read the rest of this and I just wanted to mention that this was a really good reveal to someone who doesn't know. I know that doesn't make much of a difference to anything but I just thought you might like to know :)

'They do so quickly, stealthy' - 'stealthy' should be 'stealthily'.

First of all, I really enjoyed this! In fact, I'm surprised it hasn't been reviewed already. Even without having read the other chapters (which I may do now at some point) I was captivated and excited by your story. Your characterisation is brilliant (especially with Elijah whom we only meet for a few seconds but I still get a great sense of). Your setting could maybe be developed a little further, but not much.

My only criticism is the tone. You keep switching between present and past and it can get really confusing. Read it over and try to put it all to present tense. Let me know when you have and I will read it again. If there are still tense changes in the wrong place, I will point them out to you.

Well done! :)





"There is nothing to fear from someone who shouts."
— Chinua Achebe, Things Fall Apart