Young Writers Society

Hey there, wtp!

An interesting poem! I actually like the rhyme scheme you've got going here. I usually don't like rhyming poetry, but it seemed to me like his friends were trying to cheer him up, and rhyming kind of showed that to me.

That being said, there are a few things you can improve upon.

A bunch of the meter is off. Now, since you're technically not bound to any one meter, I won't be too rough on it, but some of the lines lacked enough syllables, or stressed enough weird ones that I couldn't not talk about them.

We'll talk about the past over some beers.

"talk about the past" is the thing that's tripping this line up. Try changing "talk about the past" to reminisce.

Doing those things with Ryan.
But then you knew she was lyin'

These lines fit together well, but the transition between the number of syllables before was quite jarring. Add some syllables to both of these lines to make it not sound quite as strange.

This tavern's going through a drought.

Tavern seems weird. Perhaps say "bar is" instead.

It'd be an answered prayer from above.

It seems really odd to bring religion into this poem so late in the game. It almost seems like you wrote this line specifically to rhyme with love. It's not doing it for me. A poem's last line is arguably the most important one. It should give the same feeling as the rest of the poem, but it doesn't. It makes the poem seem kind of... tacky, somehow.

Anyway, I hope that this review proves useful to you! Happy writing!

Hey!

This was well put together, I think. The rhymes were pretty good; I know normally in poems there's at least one time where there's one of those 'almost' rhymed words, but I didn't see any of those. So I'm really pleased with your poem.

The thing I noticed though, is that your title is Damon, you talk about said Damon in the description... but I really do not see anything to do with a Damon, or a male character for that matter ( besides your narrator which you already mentioned was not Damon ). So where is Damon, if he's not in the poem with his name on it?
Sorry, I don't mean to be rude, I just thought that that was a little odd.

The other thing is just this:

You just got to look out for those big falls.

I don't think the 'big' does anything for this. If I were you I think that I would just leave it:

You just got to look out for those falls.

I think it flows better... just a thought.

Other than that, I thought this was pretty interesting. Keep up the awesome poetry!!!

-Socks