Hi there! Interesting stuff you've got here!
I feel like we don't see many story poems like this anymore. I appreciate that you've chosen to write your story in a poetic manner, but it still feels a bit more like a short story than a poem. Let's look at how we can make this poem more of a poem and less of a story without taking away from the plot, shall we?
The pacing feels a bit slow for a poem. Generally, poems are rather short, and describe more than they tell. You are telling a story here, but we need to feel more in fewer words, if that makes sense. Poems should be compact, telling the story in as few words as possible (usually).
Combining lines and sentences, finding stronger single words to replace longer phrases, and taking out unnecessary words and phrases is something I call "streamlining," and it can really improve a poem.
I'll give you an example from one of your stanzas so you can learn how to do it yourself. Let's look at the second stanza.
Let's begin by summarizing the purpose of this stanza. The purpose is that there is a little pretty princess and she feels safe. Okay. Done.
Now let's go line by line and see if any particular line is unneeded.
1) introductory line. It works.
2) describing her dress. Okay. Might be able to be combined with another line later.
3) still describing.
4) still describing.
5) still describing, though there is also an action included (not a very important action, but we can roll with it.
6)important information! Princess!
7) also important-- feels safe with this other person.
not quite as important, but brings us back to the present after the description. A lot of these lines are filled with simply describing her physical appearance. That is okay, but what does her appearance say about her? Obviously, that she is just an innocent little girl. Okay. Now to the actual streamlining. Since there are so many lines in a row simply describing her, let's look at how we can combine these lines to create a more compact but equally important description of the princess.
her gown of blue crumpled beneath her knees,
her blonde hair falling over her shoulders
and a cascade of lace down her front.
Tawny eyes smile at her toys.
Lines one and three can be combined, and the second and fourth might be able to be combined as well. Let's try it:
Blue lace cascades down her front, crumpling under her knees;
her blonde locks frame tawny eyes, staring at her toys.
While it's not quite the same, we now have a vision of a sweet little girl that is more compact and concise, while still giving the same effect. Let's move on to smaller things in the stanza.
The little child, the kingdom's crown princess,
feels safe with him to protect her
from whatever the storm may bring.
Here it's more about removal than it is about rephrasing.
Children are inherently little, so let's get rid of little. Also, we don't need to know really that it's a kingdom, so we'll get rid of that. The second line could use a little rephrasing-- the last line mostly needs removal. Here's what I came up with:
It's more compact and to the point, now.The child, the crown princesss,
feels safe. He will protect her
from the storm's wrath.
And that's how you streamline! It will help you cut down a little on this lengthy poem. I hope that you found this review useful! Happy poeting!
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