Hi! Cricket here for a review! Thanks for asking!
WOW, I'd say my favorite part in here is, sadly, when his mind is wandering. The queen is dying and he's promising her to never let weakness take hold. Its quite refreshing to see such emotion displayed so prominently.
"What do you mean she's not breathing?" he barely uttered with an ill look.
His captain started to worry. His king had lost control. Ready or not he needed to step in.
OK, this technically isn't a nitpick, and not even a comment, but I figured I should point it out anyway.
You need to not space your sentences out so much. When writing, you need to keep the format that they use for published novels, if only to get yourself in the habit.
"What do you mean she's not breathing?" he barely uttered with an ill look.
Kay, since its super important to know what your character is thinking and just generally feeling, you do need to say what they look like. BUT... you need to show and not just tell. Telling leaves the reader wanting something, and won't leave them with a very clear picture. If you just say, with an ill look, they just won't get that picture that you want in their head!
I'd suggest running through and try to describe the facials, instead of just saying, he uttered with an ill look. Just doesn't add much emotion to the dialogue.
"The boy had died...the knight has risen." he proudly thought.
This was probably my favorite of the entire work. It says so much! And it displays so much emotion. I only spied one typo for this line. Space after ellipsis, always. If you don't then the two words that you're separating are technically one, and that's not exactly good grammar, and spelling for that matter.
Ready or not he needed to step in.
Hmmm, ready or not? That sounds almost clique to me, but not, in a way. I'd suggest adding Whether to the beginning, to make it flow a bit more. Actually, I'd think rephrasing to this: Whether he was ready or not to step in. Somewhere along those lines.
He could feel the men's restlessness, he could feel how eager they were to join their brothers in arms, he could almost
A wee bit more redundancy! I put it in red!
I would loose my mind if something happened to you. I would be a mad man
A bit of redundancy that I caught. I put it in reeeedd...
"I could not live without you my sweet Ilithèn. I would loose my mind if something happened to you. I would be a mad man because I have nothing left but you....and even if I would...nothing else matters."
Hmm, I pulled this out, as I thought I'd point out a few spots, where it could use some brushing up on. The spots I put in red, are the redundant parts that I'll be talking about.
Now, I understand that you want to sound broken, and just generally emotional, (least that was my impression ) but you CANNOT have cases of redundancy with such circumstances. You just can't. It'll just spoil the effect with such a moment for the reader! They will get distracted by it, really. My suggestion for redundancy, would be to just read it through and check over it for any signs. XD We all make these mistakes, so it isn't that big a deal actually.
Alright, one last comment! (I think... ) It would be about your narration. Who exactly is narrating this? First off the bat, it was the king, but then it switched over to the captain! Then it went back to the King, and then switched over to the old counselor, and then the king, and then once more the old counselor!
You need to have one person narrate the entire chapter. Its OK, to switch narrator's when doing different chapters! but never right in the middle of one. Readers just get confused, and they won't know a single character properly.
In this case... I'd say have the King narrate it, and as he is the one experiencing the most pain. The line at the end, by the old counselor, could probably be inserted in at the end still, but maybe the King hears him say it or something. Just make sure you keep that line though, as it rocks!
My summary of that comment, was to just make sure you have a very distinct narration all-throughout.
Overall, I'd say that this is a swell chapter! It has very few grammar issues, your paragraphs are beautiful... just loved the length's of your paragraphs, btw... all contained one solid idea, and you kept them on track with that. Excellent work!
Keep writing!
~Cricket
Points: 1658
Reviews: 401
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