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Young Writers Society



The rise of a knight king

by alexandertomasin


In that moment the whole world stopped for him. In the heat of battle, needed by his men, responsible for every soul inside the citadel he froze... After a while he started looking around as if he was lost. All attention was drawn to him, all hope was expected from him and all he did was stare at every one of them as if they were all strangers.



"What do you mean she's not breathing?" he barely uttered with an ill look.



His captain started to worry. His king had lost control. Ready or not he needed to step in.



"Mylord, should I take full command of the garrison and prepare the counter-attack?"



"The attack...yes, yes my dear Kerig. The command...you take care of that..." the young king placed a hand on his captain's shoulder as a sign of friendship and gratitude.



That was all Kerig waited for. He kissed his king's hand with a heart-breaking sigh and walked away from the way too painful scene. He had grown up with his king and their friendship had not only lasted throughout the passing years, but had become even stronger. He loved the queen as much as his noble friend and the pain and anger he felt could not be compared to anything he had felt before, but at least one of them had to keep a clear mind. The king was clearly overwhelmed by this tragedy so he had no choice.

Kerig took his sword out and started yelling out orders to prepare the troops for the counter-attack.



King Alec walked disoriented towards the temple escorted by four members of the royal guard. Once he reached the steps of the temple he turned to the four soldiers. He could feel the men's restlessness, he could feel how eager they were to join their brothers in arms, he could almost smell the blood they wanted so bad to shed in their desire to avenge the queen.



"If you wish to join your brothers, you are free to do so and have my blessing. There are no more dangers for me between these sacred walls. Go!"



"Thank you your highness! We swear to avenge queen Ilithèn's death!" said the oldest of the four guards. He saluted Alec with a short bow and turned to his comrades.



"C'mon boys! Let's shed some blood in the name of our queen!"



His late father's most trusted adviser waited for him at the temple doors. He could not yet accept what had happened. He looked at the old man for a few moments and crashed into his arms.



"What do they mean she's not breathing, Hadir?" Alec wept and sighed barely standing. "Please tell me she's alive...tell me she's going to be all right."



The old man looked at the young king . So young and he had already lost so much. This boy was only yesterday playing on his father's lap listening to my stories, he thought.



"Are you asking me to lie to my king, Alec? I am sorry my boy but I cannot deceive you. Queen Ilithèn is dead. A stray arrow hit her from behind while we were getting her to safety between the temple walls. It pierced her left lung and her majesty bled to death. You should know that...she asked me to look after you before she lost breath...she made me promise. She really loved you my dear boy." The old man stopped talking as tears flooded his eyes and his embrace grew stronger around Alec. Finally he gathered a little courage and looked the young king in the eye.



"Her body is still warm and color has not yet left her lips. Go see her...say goodbye."



Alec pulled himself from Hadir's arms and walked barely conscious to the center of the temple where his queen had been placed on a white marble table. He kissed her lips one last time...knelt beside her and hid his face in her long red hair. The young king felt despair's ice cold claw get a grasp on his heart and mind. He was so close to give in and give up any hope when the memory of a conversation they had had years before came to him so vivid as if it took place in that very moment.



"I could not live without you my sweet Ilithèn. I would loose my mind if something happened to you. I would be a mad man because I have nothing left but you....and even if I would...nothing else matters."

"Alec, my love, my king...I am overwhelmed by the love you show me and I can assure you that I feel the same, but a man of you rank, a king is not allowed to think like this. You must not give in to pain no matter what for you are and example to so many. You have the duty to guide and protect your subjects. Never forget this, never let weakness get hold of you when you are needed!"



"You have become a true queen, Ilithèn."

"Promise me, Alec!"

"I swear it!"

"Good..."



The memory faded and pain was even less bearable than before but now he knew...he knew what she would have wanted, he knew he was responsible for his people. He stood tall next to the corpse of his queen and spoke in thunder-like voice.



"We shall let her body rest like this until after the battle. Every capable man will go to the armory and equip himself to fight. If you want to honor your queen's memory you will do it now by defending your city and families, by breaking down your enemy and your king will lead!"



Hadir's heart started pounding as he watched the majestic scene.



"The boy had died...the knight has risen." he proudly thought.


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Sun Aug 03, 2014 1:13 pm
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ThereseCricket wrote a review...



Hi! Cricket here for a review! Thanks for asking!

WOW, I'd say my favorite part in here is, sadly, when his mind is wandering. The queen is dying and he's promising her to never let weakness take hold. Its quite refreshing to see such emotion displayed so prominently.


"What do you mean she's not breathing?" he barely uttered with an ill look.



His captain started to worry. His king had lost control. Ready or not he needed to step in.


OK, this technically isn't a nitpick, and not even a comment, but I figured I should point it out anyway. :D

You need to not space your sentences out so much. When writing, you need to keep the format that they use for published novels, if only to get yourself in the habit.

"What do you mean she's not breathing?" he barely uttered with an ill look.


Kay, since its super important to know what your character is thinking and just generally feeling, you do need to say what they look like. BUT... you need to show and not just tell. Telling leaves the reader wanting something, and won't leave them with a very clear picture. If you just say, with an ill look, they just won't get that picture that you want in their head!
I'd suggest running through and try to describe the facials, instead of just saying, he uttered with an ill look. Just doesn't add much emotion to the dialogue.



"The boy had died...the knight has risen." he proudly thought.



This was probably my favorite of the entire work. It says so much! And it displays so much emotion. I only spied one typo for this line. Space after ellipsis, always. If you don't then the two words that you're separating are technically one, and that's not exactly good grammar, and spelling for that matter. :P

Ready or not he needed to step in.


Hmmm, ready or not? That sounds almost clique to me, but not, in a way. I'd suggest adding Whether to the beginning, to make it flow a bit more. :) Actually, I'd think rephrasing to this: Whether he was ready or not to step in. Somewhere along those lines.

He could feel the men's restlessness, he could feel how eager they were to join their brothers in arms, he could almost


A wee bit more redundancy! I put it in red!


I would loose my mind if something happened to you. I would be a mad man


A bit of redundancy that I caught. I put it in reeeedd...


"I could not live without you my sweet Ilithèn. I would loose my mind if something happened to you. I would be a mad man because I have nothing left but you....and even if I would...nothing else matters."


Hmm, I pulled this out, as I thought I'd point out a few spots, where it could use some brushing up on. :D The spots I put in red, are the redundant parts that I'll be talking about.

Now, I understand that you want to sound broken, and just generally emotional, (least that was my impression :P) but you CANNOT have cases of redundancy with such circumstances. You just can't. It'll just spoil the effect with such a moment for the reader! They will get distracted by it, really. My suggestion for redundancy, would be to just read it through and check over it for any signs. XD We all make these mistakes, so it isn't that big a deal actually. :D

Alright, one last comment! (I think... :) ) It would be about your narration. Who exactly is narrating this? First off the bat, it was the king, but then it switched over to the captain! Then it went back to the King, and then switched over to the old counselor, and then the king, and then once more the old counselor!

You need to have one person narrate the entire chapter. Its OK, to switch narrator's when doing different chapters! but never right in the middle of one. Readers just get confused, and they won't know a single character properly.

In this case... I'd say have the King narrate it, and as he is the one experiencing the most pain. The line at the end, by the old counselor, could probably be inserted in at the end still, but maybe the King hears him say it or something. Just make sure you keep that line though, as it rocks! :D

My summary of that comment, was to just make sure you have a very distinct narration all-throughout. :)

Overall, I'd say that this is a swell chapter! It has very few grammar issues, your paragraphs are beautiful... just loved the length's of your paragraphs, btw... all contained one solid idea, and you kept them on track with that. Excellent work!

Keep writing!

~Cricket

Spoiler! :
Keep me posted on this, if you can






Thank you very much Cricket! As I already got used you review is really helpful.



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Sat Aug 02, 2014 6:56 am



Thanks for the review Tiaradyson :) Glad you liked it!




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Fri Aug 01, 2014 2:51 pm
Tiaradyson says...



I believe these are fragments,

" captain started to worry. His king had lost control. Ready or not he needed to step in."

the dialogue was fantastic, seemed very life like. Everything was perfect but you didn't describe where they were, comes my mind jumbled from a battle field to a kingdom to a bedroom with his queen dead!
I love how we get the emotions and thoughts from other characters, it was good to know.
but who is the main character or characters.

I didn't search for grammar errors or spelling, it was just the fragments I mentioned earlier were noticeable.
I think for this dialogue could be fixed: "The attack...yes, yes my dear Kerig. The command...you take care of that...". The dots seemed unnecessary maybe ? <-- would be better?
The attack? Yes, my dear Kerig. The command? you take care of that." something better than the dots, because two ir more dots means its an unfinished sentence. And you didn't say he was interrupted.
over all, I was fascinated. And liked to be told wen the next chapter is out. The ending wasn't as cliche as I thought it w
would be! It was great!!




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Fri Aug 01, 2014 2:49 pm
Tiaradyson wrote a review...



I made an extra one lol sorry





Every generation laughs at the old fashions, but follows religiously the new.
— Henry David Thoreau