z

Young Writers Society


16+ Language Mature Content

Turning the Key {Chapter 1: Kiki}

by ccwritingrainbow


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and mature content.

I am a Daddy’s girl, but there’s not much of a daddy and daughter relationship. What exists is Ma has been dead since I was five months old, and all the love that Pop gives me is the biggest paycheck at The Pole and presents every birthday, Christmas, and Easter. That sums up my life in one sentence. Still, I have more of a story to tell, so I might as well tell it.

The Pole is not a diner in case you are wondering. Let me just describe my workplace in five words. Boobs, asses, liquor, poles, and bills. Clothes are not a part of the collection. Actually, it’s considered a swear word at The Pole, and no one says it unless us dancers are backstage when we are punching the clock to head on home.

There are four people in this club that matter in my everyday life. There’s Pop. He runs the whole thing, so I do not have a say in what to do unless he’s absent from working one night…or two…or three. He’s the one that actually gave me a job here. Do I like it? Well, it pays rent, but do I wish to have a college degree? Hell yes!

My big sister figure, though she’s in her thirties, is Dinah Larson. Like me, she never wants to work as a stripper. Unlike me, she’s doing online college while feeding her two kids she had with her husband who was shot at war. I can just imagine the upcoming Career Day at school, and I shudder. I don’t want her two boys to recreate my dumbfounding Career Day experience in kindergarten. What teacher…No, what sane person wants to hear, “Works at a strip club,” from a child’s mouth. I wouldn’t, and I don’t care about being a hypocrite. After Pop forced me into the stripping business, Dinah became my guardian angel. She doesn’t teach me the hooker moves, but I’ve learned things that at least earn me tips. By the look she always gives me, Dinah doesn’t want a girl like me to work here at this strip joint. “You may look like Madonna, Kick,” she tells me whenever we talk about my stripper name, “but you’re not her twin. You’re not like me either, so whatever you do, escape from here.”

The Pole’s biggest bitch is Penny Labett, aka Princess Penn. If we were to trade lives, I would be so much happier being the daughter of an accountant. Penny is slightly older than me, but she has the brain of a spoiled teenager. Her father gives her anything she wants, which is why she has the best stripper clothes out of everyone who works in the joint. Because of this, she knows nothing but how to flash her woman parts to desperate perverts like the ones that enter The Pole. Ever since Pop brought me into the place, Penny tries to “outdo” me for no reason at all. The difference between the both of us is that Penny is living her dream, and I’m stuck in a nightmare.

The last person I should mention is my little sister friend, Nicki Brown. I’m the first person she met when she came to The Pole, and after learning her story, I’m guilty of only complaining about my life. Her mother comatosed and her father imprisoned when Nicki was sixteen makes me shiver from the tailbone up. Stripping is a need, not a want for her. Because of the crime Nicki’s pop committed of almost murdering his own wife, I’m responsible for getting Nick back into school, so she wouldn’t suffer the same fate as me. At nineteen, she’s smart, beautiful, but weak, too.

“You don’t want to do an encore?” Nick asks me as I’m changing into my regular clothes.

“You know I never do,” I respond blankly.

“Kiki, it’ll give us leftover money from rent and bills.”

“Nicki, if I keep our apartment paid and food on our table, we’re fine.”

She heavily sighs. “Does your father want you to come home that bad for you to work longer than you want to?”

“He doesn’t need me, Nicki. I’ll move back in when he has a stroke, which is sometime never. Get dressed Nicki. You’ll never find a college educated man dressed like that.”

Nicki winces. Every time that I remind her that we’re strippers, she goes into this painful phase in her head. “I want to say my name instead of…”

Pop shouts from the door, “Madonna! Vixen! Are you almost done? I have your pay right in my hands!”

“Vixen…” Nicki’s face turns pale as snow in Midwest winter.

“Lighten up, Nick,” I reply, patting her on the head. “Let’s go to Wendy’s and grab a burger. I’m starved.” Being the taller one is fun when it comes to big sister, little sister. If Ma were alive when I was a kid, she would’ve given me siblings, but then again, I would never have met Di and Nick.

“Can Lady Di join us?” Nicki asks, using Dinah’s stage name.

“I don’t see why not. We’ll have to see if she’s busy or not.”

“If we know Dinah, Kiki, she’ll always have time for the both of us.”

I chuckle. “True, but just remember one thing, Nick.”

“Yup.”

We both take a deep breath and chorus, “Don’t tell Penny.”


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240 Reviews


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Sun Jul 27, 2014 7:23 pm
AdmiralKat wrote a review...



Hello! KatyaElefant here for another review! Happy Review Day! Let's see what we have here.

I love the whole set up of the story. The characters have already grown on me (I may already have a ship or two XD) and I think that you would make a wonderful plot. This story is very original(in my opinion), I haven't seen anything like it and I have read a lot of great books. This is very realistic and if you could have had three categories, that would have been one of them. That use of the bold letter at the beginning caught me for some reason. I don't know why you put it there but it was effective. The first paragraph really transitions you to the story or their world. One thing that you could do is describe the characters a bit more. Not about who they are(you did a great job with that) but with what they look like because I just see words(the names of the characters) doing the things that you have and it's a bit awkward to me in my mind. XD (My mind is a strange place). You chose the right person to tell the story. She isn't the one that is in too much conflict but in some conflict. I would really like to see the next few chapters when you post them. I also think that this deserves a lot more attention. Tell me when you post your next chapter! I would really love to read it! :D Great job! Have a nice review day! Keep calm and keep writing!

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Tue Jul 15, 2014 11:37 pm
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Stripeslife wrote a review...



I don't have any nitpicks that IamTraunt hasn't already pointed out.

Plot (so far):
This plot seems very interesting. It is a unique concept that, at least I, don't find in writing very often. It seems very interesting, girls being forced into the stripping business so they can live.

Characters:
I'm going to put it out there right now, I love Nicki! I feel like you did a good job developing the characters in this chapter, especially Nicki and Kiki. You make me feel so sorry for them both and so that in turn will help me be able to root for them in the future when they face more challenges. You also made me dislike characters that didn't play much of a roll in this chapter, mainly Penny. I also now despise "Pops" for putting the girls in this situation.

Presentation of the story:
This story being told from Kiki's point of view is very cool. We are able to see into her mind, and that is how most of this is being explained to us at this point. You use her to describe the situation at hand and I can't wait to find out what happens next. There were a few points where I wasn't quite sure what you were trying to say. For example, I had to reread different parts that included the names, because I had trouble figuring out who was who and what stage name belonged to each character. I knew the stage name would be necessary for a story like this, and it is very hard to introduce characters with two names like that. I think you did an alright job with that. You could have done better but you could have done a lot worse. The language used to describe the characters, the setting, and the situation was very good though.

Overall Enjoyment:
That first sentence caught my attention and the first paragraph had me hooked. This story was unusual, something you don't see everyday. I really enjoyed that, as well as everything else that was mentioned above here. I really enjoyed it and can't wait for the next chapter!






Thank you <3



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Tue Jul 15, 2014 9:10 pm
IamTraunt wrote a review...



Hey! IamTraunt here to review!

Nitpicks!

What exists is Ma has been died since I was five months old, and all the love that Pop gives me is the biggest paycheck at The Pole and presents every birthday, Christmas, and Easter.

This should be 'has been dead'.

He’s the one that actually gives me a job here.

This should be 'gave'.

I’m the first person she's met when she came to The Pole, and after learning her story, I’m guilty of only complaining about my life. Her mother comatose and her father imprisoned when Nicki was sixteen makes me shiver from the tailbone up.

This should be 'she'. Also, the second bold word should be 'comatosed' because your going into past tense.

I’ll move back in when he gets a stroke, which is sometime never. Get dressed Nicki.

This should be 'has'.

Characters and Storyline!

This is really sad. How awful it must be to be forced into the stripping business to pay the bills or because your 'pops' got you into it. It makes me have an awful feeling in my stomach. I feel both sympathy for Nicki and Kiki, but also dislike for others such as Penny who seems really mean and snobby. It also makes me feel sorry for the girl's self-conscienceness as men are staring at your body, judging you and having sexual desire towards you. It must be horrible. Id hate it. This is a unique story concept. I'm curious as to where you are taking this.
Keep up the good work!






Thanks for catching the grammar errors.



IamTraunt says...


You're welcome!




Always do what you are afraid to do.
— E. Lockhart, We Were Liars