Young Writers Society

Hey there, Pinkiegirl13! I have a couple things that I would fix/add. First of all, for Vane's appearance, I think that you could add a little more detail to what she looks like. For example, anyone could say that their character has black, long hair with black eyes. What makes her stand out? Are her eyes completely black? Secondly, what is the symbol of the Devils? What does it looks like? What color is it? Lastly, how does she track down a person with her black eyes? Is it a line that shows where they are? A target? That's all I can think of. Otherwise, good job.

Hasta la vista,

DeltaEcho

Hello, lovely! I'm here to settle in and critique this character profile of yours.

To begin with, this is rather short and spare for a character profile. Most people, while they can be summarized in a couple of sentences, can not be totally characterized by those sentences. If I said something along the lines of "Tia is pretty and kind. She likes helping people", then that doesn't tell you a thing about Tia other than she is by the author's confession pretty and kind and enjoys helping others, which may make her a good person, but the next sentence could as easily read, "She also enjoys mauling people with her giant spider." You leaving the profile this short just shows that you don't feel like your evil character needs any more explanation, when bad characters need just as much explanation and motive as good characters.

Also, on the topic of "she don't need a last name", yes, she does. This is a universe where you have established that people have last names, so unless she has a legitimate reason for not having a last name - which you need to tell us in the profile, such as "Vane" is a code name and her real name is "Blahdi Blah", but she doesn't consider that name a part of herself any more - you do need to include her last name in the profile. You not doing so simply shows that you don't care about your antagonist other than "she's evil and also likes teenage boys so she's double evil".

It sounds like you just mashed together some decidedly Evil attributes - why does she have a demon sigil on her chest? How can she track down someone with her eyes? I want to know how that power works! - and called it a day. This woman has no character and no life, and it feels like you pulled her out of a world with no history and no family. Even the antagonists have parents, you know.

Also, I'd suggest you get someone to help you with proofreading, due to your obvious struggle with the English language, especially your conjugation of verbs.

Hey, Pink. It's Lumi; let's jam.

So you want to make a villain, and you want her to be ferocious and remarkable and memorable! So you give her black eyes. And black hair. And absolutely no backstory.

Do you see the issues yet?

A character, no matter if they're a protagonist or antagonist, a one-chapter burnout, or the most beloved sidekick in the history of literature, needs enthralling traits. But what you're giving us here says that you're so satisfied with this one-dimensional femme fatale that you don't even want to bother with a last name.

That's the issue.

It's not about talent or brilliance, but about caring enough about your own work to spend time developing characters that will matter to your audience. But here, we have you not caring enough to give her a last name. Her powers are stolen from Lust a la Fullmetal Alchemist, and given her age, her 'sexual affection for bad teen boys' is disturbing.

Give your characters some love and care. Or they will bore each and every reader from here to eternity.

Lumi

Hey, yo, Pinkiegirl13! Strangelove here for PokeReview Day and I have a, you guessed it, review for you!
This is going to be somewhat of a short review, because there's not much to say that has already been said. Let me get onto the good stuff first.
You tend to have a small few mistakes. That's all I can really say about this. It's short, and it doesn't pack in that much information.

*She don't need a last name*

Hey, love! Aurora here for a quick review .

Alright. When you say the symbol of a devil, what symbol? Make sure you know this. Also, what are her weaknesses? What is she scared of? Does she have friends? And when you say she can 'track down' a person, what do you mean? can she see magical trails? Also, what is her profession/ Is she an assassin? She sounds like one . What are her likes and dislikes?

Keep writing. Answer these questions, and you'll be great.
Aurora

Hello.
Kanome here with a review for you.

I remember reviewing your other character profiles, so I think I'll review this one too.

Okay, I believe the appearance should be more detailed.
Anyone can say that their characters have long black hair with black eyes. You need show off your character in a way that makes Vane unique.

Also, where is her history?
She has to have a background story, especially how she became part of the villains.

- When and where is she born?
- What is her family history?
- How did she become one of the Devils?
- What type of person she was before she became dangerous?

All these should be answered in your character profile.
I hope this review helps.

Keep it up.
I can't wait to read more.

This review courtesy of