z

Young Writers Society


16+ Language

Of Starbucks, Blushing Cashiers, and Batman Fistfights

by WittyUsernameHere


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

Of Starbucks, Blushing Cashiers, and Batman Fist-fights

                     

     "You are dead to me," I hissed, whipping my head to the left so I wouldn't have to bear the sight of this traitor. 

     He deserved to be shunned.

     After a minute or two of unexpected silence, I glanced over and gasped at the sight of him facing away from me.

     "How dare you shun me!" I pouted, shaking his shoulders. "It's supposed to be the other way around!"

     "Why should I be shunned?" he countered, whipping around to shoot a half-hearted glare.

     "You think Nutella beats chocolate; the question is, why shouldn't you be?"

     "You say 'shunned' a lot," he pointed out, a small smile on his face as he ran a hand through his short hair. I grinned.

     Wrong time to say it I admit, but damn, I loved his hair. It was so shiny. 

     The street lights above flashed to red; the people surrounding us took off like birds and hurried to the other side of the street in one big huddle.

     "Aren't you worried that someday it'll get into your eyes?" I curiously asked, shoving my hands in my pockets as we tagged along.

     "Nah, it's worth it. Having long hair is just… urgh. Especially in the summer, where it makes your head all sweaty and - ahh!"

     I chuckled, extending a hand to him as he sat there on the crosswalk, blinking in surprise.

     "Watch where you walk man, this snow is slippery as hell."

     He scowled, grabbing my hand and pulling himself up, dusting off the snow from his lady-like coat. He held onto it, dragging me across the street and into a Starbucks.

     "And why are we here?" I asked, looking around in confusion. People - or should I say, penguins; their giant coats made them look the part - filled in almost all the tables. They chatted amongst themselves, their faces flushed from the snow outside.

     "I need somewhere to hide after that embarrassing fall, plus," he shrugged, "I could go for some coffee right now."

     "But why Starbucks, I hate Starbucks!" I whined, attempting to head for the doors.

     "Manners, Spencer, manners. You sound like a whiny kid."

     "Whatever, just let go of my hand before people start suspecting me of being your boyfriend," I said, shooting a glance at the elderly couple eying us weirdly.

     He blushed in embarrassment, immediately releasing my hand and turning to the counter.

     "What're you ordering?" the cashier asked, cheerily smiling at us.

     "I'll have a clover brewed coffee and…" he scanned the menu, his tiny head moving from left to right. He grinned, "A carrot cake muffin with pecans, please."

     "Picky, picky," I murmured under my breath, looking over at a girl baby-feeding her boyfriend. They squealed in delight as some coffee slipped from the spoon and splashed onto the floor. 

     An elbow nudged into my side. "Spence! Hey, what do you want?" 

     I shrugged. "Nothing. I don't eat at Starbucks."

     The cashier's jaw dropped. "What?"

     "What do you mean 'what'?"

     "Nothing," she shook her head, handing Will his food. "Have a nice day."

     If she were Superman, I'd have two holes shooting right through me; her gaze was boring into me the entire time we walked to a table. I glanced over my shoulder, chuckling as she jumped and whipped around to face the next customer, her face burning crimson.

     "What're you grinning about?" Will asked as we sat down.

     "I feel so loved today," I chimed, staring out the windows dreamily, "First my buddy wants to hold my hand, and now I'm making the cashier blush. I must be hot as hell!"

     He shot me a glare as he took a sip of cofee. "Vanity will get you nowhere, and I wasn't holding your hand."

     I smirked.

     His face burned crimson again. "Screw you, Spencer! That's why Batman will lose in a fist-fight with The Flash!"

     "Not this again! You know damn well that Batman can kick his ass to next week and back!"

     "But The Flash will throw like, fifty punches before Batman can throw one! Besides, Batman doesn't even have a superpower!"

     "Exactly! He's at the same level as super-heroes, and the guy has no powers! That has to count for something," I pointed out.

     "But he uses technology and money. That's cheating."

     "What? No way, he - "

     I was abruptly disrupted by a mug of coffee being placed right in front of me. We looked at the cashier, who was standing right in front of our table with a bashful look in her eyes.

     She fiddled with her fingers, "Uhm, they accidentally made an extra cofee, so…"

     "They decided to give it to two strangers for free?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.

     She blushed; she'd been caught. "No, no! It's um, this new thing they're doing where we…" She was stumbling over her own words! I almost felt embarrassed for her.

     "Well… I have to get back to work anyway." she said, heading back to the counter. She then paused and turned around. "By the way, Batman would so win."

     And with a smile she walked away, all traces of her previous shyness gone. My mouth dropped open.

     "Well, that was… something," Will noted, stuffing a muffin in his mouth.

     I glanced at the cashier, who seemed to act like nothing happened. Out of curiosity, I gently took a sip of the coffee she left behind. 

     "Not bad," I murmured, going for more.

     Will raised an eyebrow, smirking. "I thought you hated Starbucks."

     "What? No way, when did I ever say that?" I said, subconsciously looking over at the girl, who now grinned at the customers with an extra sense of felicity.

                       

     "…We should come here more often."


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Fri Aug 08, 2014 3:08 pm
erilea wrote a review...



WittyUsernameHere, hello! Thx for the follow! I think...

I realized, from many days of experience, that you don't need the parenthesis. Express it, don't be afraid to out in lady-like right on the spot.

"...dusting off the snow from his (lady-like) coat."

And you should put an "I" after "should".

"People - or should say, penguins..."

That was all. This was great to read, you should write more things like this. I believe you have talent; why else are you livin' in the green room?

-wisegirl22




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Thu Jul 24, 2014 3:53 pm
Sunshine wrote a review...



So, I decided I needed to read more short-stories and was roaming around when the cute title grabbed me on this one. I'm Sunshine, and I'm here to shed some light!

Things To Improve On
- The beginning. Though it's a decent mini-scene, the transition doesn't serve into the rest of the story. Why was Spencer shunning Will. This isn't clear, and the mini-scene ends with Spencer's distraction, rendering the scene with little purpose. I feel like a little more detail here would really plump things up. Maybe they were arguing about a different set of super heroes? Any little peek about what was to come in the story would serve well here.
-The fall part was really vague. I had to re-read it in order to understand what was going on. Don't be afraid to draw anything out. This whole story is about human relationships, so a little extra detail and fluff is always nice. Even adding a little more humor, like the way he fell, would be great.
- The Starbucks girl winking just felt really out of place. Like, shy people can totally do the 'Batman would so win' thing and smile, but I feel like winking counteracts a lot of her other behavior.

Awesome Stuff
-Spencer and Will! Their characterization was really great, and their interactions felt totally real to me. In a story like this, infinite importance is placed on that, and it really made the story glitter.
-Batman would win.
-I don't know why, but I feel like I fell in love with Spencer. He's a wonderfully crafted character, and his sexual orientation and lack of judgement really adds to the piece.

Great work! I hope to see more from you!






Thank you so much for the review! After rereading this, I realized that the beginning didn't really give too much on why they were shunning each other, so I went back to change it - along with the cashier scene. I can't believe how many things I missed, ahaha! :D

P.S I gotta agree with you on the Spencer thing - I had a blast writing from his perspective, and overall this story was just fun to write. :) Perhaps someday or sooner I'll come back to drag the trio into an actual story, heheh!



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Mon Jul 21, 2014 7:03 pm
RoyalHighness wrote a review...



RoyalHighness has arrived to review!
Awh, cute!
Let's jump right in.

Nitpicks

Spoiler! :
People - or should say penguins;

Did you mean:
People - or, I should say, penguins;


Wrong time to say it I admit, but damn, I loved his hair. It was so shiny.

So it wasn't until Spencer mentioned people mistaking him for Will's boyfriend that I actually figured out that the narrator was a man.
I get that men can be feminine and a man can like another man's hair without shame. That's not what this nitpick is about, trust me.
The nitpick is in consistency; later in the story, we have Spencer judging a stranger for being fed by his girlfriend, saying that man had lost his manliness, etc. But if Spencer had said something earlier about Will's hair that wasn't what society would deem "manly," then he has no right to judge the stranger in the coffee shop.
Characters, unlike real people, need to be consistent in order to be believable. So my advice to you is to either scrap this little detail altogether, re-word it, or leave it the way it is and have Spencer be an inconsistent enigma.
Also, before I move on to the next nitpick, I'm getting the sense that Spencer is bisexual and I kind of love how he never came out (heh) and said, "I'm bi." A reader can infer from his actions and thoughts, and that's a great accomplishment on your part! And if Spencer really isn't bi, then I apologize but I still love him.

Victor raised an eyebrow, smirking. "I thought you hated Starbucks."

Who's Victor? I thought Spencer's buddy's name was Will?


Content
Spoiler! :
This is a really cute setting for a little story. I didn't really get why Spencer was shunning Will/Victor in the beginning but it was a nice beginning, in media res. I like your descriptions of the people in the coffee shop and I like the atmosphere you created within it. The first cashier's reaction to Spencer made me grin and Spencer's reaction to the bashful cashier made me "AWW!" Great job on inciting emotion in the reader and keeping the details concise and descriptive at the same time. Great job on writing the three-dimentionality of the characters, too! I felt like I knew Spencer and Will/Victor pretty well before the end of the story. And their debate over Batman and the Flash is so what real friends do in real life and it made me laugh XD The Flash would so win! Great job!


Conclusion
This was a cute little piece, a nice gem! I'll give you a solid eight stars out of ten for your lovely writing!






Thank you for the review! I completely missed that part with"Victor" (since that was supposed to be Will's original name)! I also saw right through the consistency, so thanks for pointing it out!

Also, even as the writer I have no idea whether or not Spencer is bi - my characters sort of make themselves as I write, heheh! XD

Well anyway, thanks again for the review! :D



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Mon Jul 21, 2014 4:09 pm
EmeraldEyes wrote a review...



Ha ha.
This cheered me up.
Funny, bright and a very interesting title. XD

I enjoyed this work and you write comedy well, such as here:

He shot me a glare as he took a sip of cofee. "Vanity will get you nowhere, and I wasn't holding your hand."

I smirked.

His face burned crimson again. "Screw you, Spencer! That's why Batman will lose in a fist-fight with The Flash!"


The characters have a good relationship with each other, the piece wasn't too long or too short. It just short, sweet and funny.

Well done.
Keep writing!






Aww, thank you! :D




The brain is wider than the sky.
— Emily Dickenson