Young Writers Society

Hi, Stilinski here!

The idea of this sounds super interesting and leaves the reader wondering about the different things going on, but still, it needs work.

Firstly, you seem to put two exclamation marks whenever one of the doctor's or Andrew is shouting, you only need one! If you want to add extra empisis, describe how he said it instead of just adding works like 'yelled' and 'hissed'. How did he look while saying it? What else was he feeling? How did everyone in the room react?

Also, this:

"The doctor was perplexed and confuddled."

You've already used the word perplexed once, which of course is okay in a bigger extract of writing but since this is pretty short, I suggest using a different word since it looks like you're running out of words. Also, confuddled isn't a really a word and it sounds quite childish in such a serious piece of writing.

Secondly, you use a lot of short sentences. Which again isn't a bad thing if you mix them up with different lengths of sentences. If you use short sentence after short sentence continuously, the story kind of starts to lose it's flow and becomes choppy.

Of course, you have to start a new line with new dialogue, but if you have a sentence of dialogue, and then a sentence of description, put it together. It creates a much better flow.

Like someone else said, Andrew makes his decision to keep the baby really quick. It would work if you changed this sentence around a bit:

He turned the baby into his chest, cradling and cooing her.

It seems like he's taken to her, like one moment he hated her now he's a bit like 'Oh I don't mind you after all', with the use of 'cradling' and 'cooing' since they sound very maternal. By the rest of the writing, it sounds like Andrew would be trying to hold the baby as far away as possible from him, looking at her with disgust, you know.

That's it really for nitpicks, just work on your grammar, description and writing flow and you should be good!

Really, it does sound very interesting. Does Andrew know that she can control the elements? Is there a different species that he knows about or some huge secret his wife was keeping from him? Is the baby a true danger? It really gives a sense of 'who is the real monster? Alice or Andrew?"

Keep writing and work hard!

- Stilinski

Hola!

So, whoa. Andy has a serious female problem, hmm? Yikes. He'd do well in one of those many cultures that just quietly kills female babies, because they're not born male...

Three notes:

1. Andrew's reasons for wanting a boy. I can see him resenting his new daughter in part because her mother died giving birth to her, but to resent her to the point of wanting her dead, wanting to punish her, etc, is extreme (especially since, as the doctor pointed out, she's all that's left of his now-late wife). We know he was really hoping for a boy--so, if Alice had been a boy instead, would he still resent the child? Would he resent his child less, not at all, or just as much? And if the answer to that is less or not at all, then we need a better reason as to his wanting a boy than JUST that he wanted someone to carry on the family name. At the very least, he should be the last one carrying the family name, himself--thus, if he does not have a boy, the family name dies with him.

2. Andrew's immediate reaction to his wife's death. Naturally, he's sad because his wife his dead, and angry and resentful toward his new daughter. But screaming and calling an infant a murderer is a bit over-the-top. Admittedly, we don't know much about his character yet--maybe he normally overreacts to things. Maybe he drinks. Maybe he has anger issues or some other problem. But in that case, we need some sense of this right from the beginning, because as the story stands right now, he's optimistic and cheerful at the opening but then immediately switches to raging, screaming, and calling his own child a murderer. I'm not saying he needs to be screaming at the opening (that wouldn't make sense), but we need a better sense of who he is to understand why his reaction is so extreme.

3. Andrew's reasons for taking his daughter in after all. One moment he's saying she's a murderous, evil thing; then next he says "fine" and comforts her, with no apparent reason for his change of heart. This is an easy fix; just show us his thoughts when the baby is crying. What changes his mind? Is it the strange way the weather follows her emotions? If so, is he intrigued, frightened, excited by this apparent power? Or is he moved to pity by the baby's crying? Or does he think how his wife would want him to take care of the baby, so he does it out of respect for her?

I think it would help all three of these issues if you dove into Andrew's head a bit more. Really give us a sense of his thoughts and who he is, and we'll better be able to understand why he acts the way he does in this chapter.

You did a good job showing the way the baby controls the weather (I assume it actually is her controlling the weather)--we can look at it and realize it's happening, or wonder if it's happening, but it's so subtle, which is fantastic. Most writers would feel a need to make a big deal out of it, point at it with a neon sign and say, "THE BABY CONTROLS THE WEATHER!!!! GET IT???? THE BABY CONTROLS THE WEATHER!!!" But you didn't do that. You gave us a hint of it without beating us over the head, so kudos on that.

Blue

"...as the moon reached its apex."

I'd say let there be more detail in this story. Do the Show, not Tell tactic. That does millions of people wonders.

"What?" he asked, looking for..."

"I'm very sorry, sir," the woman said.

"Jo! Don't do this to me!" he cried, making the doctor flinch.

"The filthy thing killed its mother!" he growled.

"...to bawl, its chocolate eyes welling up."

"Shut up!" he yelled.

"I never will," Andrew hissed.

"My wife is dead!" he yelled..."

"Calm down," the doctor pleaded."

"...is evil!" he yelled, making the doctor jump." You use yelled and other speaking verbs often. You don't have to mentioned "Andrew did this or that" every time he speaks.

"The room went dark and cold as if the girl was in control of the elements."

"Andrew groaned; then took the baby into his arms."

"Fine!" he snarled..."

"...her face blank, too young to even smile."

"Alice Faramino is your name, baby."

"It wasn't just hate he felt. It was a deeply felt sorrow. But no. Alice Faramino survived at the expense of her mother. He would punish her one way or another."

This whole story gave me chills. Just follow my advice though, and it'll get better and more interesting. Trust me on this one.

ooohhhhhhh suspense!

I like this, even though it's sort of sad. The only think I didn't really like is that the whole thing seemed a little sudden. I think maybe there should have been more description on what the man was feeling before everything happened. Elaborate on why he wanted a baby boy. Why was he so intent on a son as opposed to a daughter? Is there history there, or did he just want a boy 'just because'? I also feel like you should have gone into how the wife was feeling. Was she saying she felt badly beforehand, was there any foreshadowing that she might not make it? Was she not supposed to be able to have a child? Or perhaps she went in stating that she was perfectly fine and that her husband shouldn't worry?

I think it's really cool how you described the weather changing and how it seemed like the baby could change the weather. That's neat, and I feel like it might foreshadow something to come!

Another thing I don't understand is that the man was very sudden in his decision to keep the baby. He was so against her, and then all of a sudden he just said 'okay fine'. What changed his mind? Was he fearful of the baby's 'power' over the weather? And why did he take the baby at all if he hated her so much? If he honestly didn't want the child, why didn't he put her up for adoption? I'd just like more in the area of thought and internal feeling. It would also be nice to be eased into the events as opposed to having events tossed suddenly at me...His wife's death was very sudden. The doctor would have told him sooner, as soon as she was beginning to fade, that he should come back, be with her, etc. Was there a reason that didn't happen?

All in all, the story is off to an awesome start! I really like where it's going, and it sounds like a cool idea! Keep on going, and it'll be great! <3