z

Young Writers Society


12+

The Wayfaring: By Sillia Brown (revised)

by Sillia


The Prophecy 

A dark knight arisen,

Will shine in the sun’s golden light.

His blood the traitor,

His ally the savior.

The star-dancers and the weapon-makers

Unlikely allies to the unknown.

The black court’s prisoner will escape again,

And restore beauty to all the land.

The death of a brother,

The birth of a Hero.

Come forth the night,

Arise from the peak of heaven.

Lock-bound to destroy,

The sibling of the Hero

Come forth the ice,

Arise from the depths of the earth.

A hero to the knight.

A ghostly maiden come to light,

Will guide them to their birthright.

Friend to enemy,

A demon hiding inside.

A ring of power,

One of destruction or creation.

Forgotten power to come alive,

And save all but two lives.

Chapter 1: The Beginning

Perhaps travel cannot prevent bigotry, but by demonstrating that all peoples cry, laugh, eat, worry, and die, it can introduce the idea that we try and understand each other, we may even become friends.”~ Maya Angelou

The wing stirred through his hair as he walked out the door, stepping lightly on the wide wooden porch. The other houses were all dark, the curtains shut tight and the gas lights off. His boots made no sound as he walked down the dusty road, following the familiar path through Farsco’s winding streets. He’d walked this path for three years now. The roof of the chapel could be seen over the roof tops, growing closer and closer as he made his way towards it. He reached the markets and walked steadily past the dark stalls, ignoring the unlocked goods that he could easily steal. He wasn't here for that today. He stopped at the edge of a stone courtyard, his hand on the wrought-iron fence. His hazel eyes traveled up to the tall oak doors of the chapel, eyeing the sturdy stone walls and the blue and white stain class windows. Two tall Ash trees stood guard on either side of the door, their branches reaching for the sky like the soft hands of a child. Bed of white and pink flowers lined the edges of the courtyard and pale green ivy vines snaked their ways up to the fence, trailing down over the other side. The sky above him was breaking with dawn, the soft pink and yellow rays stroking his skin gently as he stood, waiting and watching. 

Taking a step towards the chapel, he hurried across the empty courtyard and opened the door a crack, slipping through and stepping inside. Graceful ivory pillars rose up on either side of him, arching in a U at the top and coming back down, spiraling its way to the bottom. Rows and rows of dark oak pews lined the sides, and a red velvet carpet was thrown down the middle. Gas lamps hung from the ceiling, bright and blazing as they were always required to be. To the front was a raised platform for the Priest. Stain glass windows were set in to the walls, portraying different battles, angels and demons, and finally, the birth of Farsco.

He walked forward, holding his breath, running a hand through his shaggy brown hair in an effort to make it neat. As usual, his hair stuck up in odd places and refused to go down. He sat in the very last pew, looking ahead and considering the journey that lay before him.

“Nathan?” a surprised voice came from behind him.

Nathan turned around, watching the young man as he stepped forward into the light. “Gale.” He nodded his head respectfully.

Gale shut the chapel door behind him, coming forward and sitting beside Nathan in the pew. He had a sharp, angular face, his cheek bones high and dark where the shadows pooled in them. His hair was brown, streaked through with black, and was tied back with a silk green ribbon at the base of his neck. He wore the pale gray color of the Priests, though the baby blue sash that was strung across his shoulder made it clear that he was still an apprentice. His light green eyes followed Nathan’s, staring towards the front of the chapel.

“You shouldn't be here Nathan.” Gale said softly, folding his hands neatly in his lap. “You should be at home resting, or even making sure your horse has enough feed for the journey.”

“I already did.” Nathan’s voice was flat. “Last night when these thoughts kept me awake until the rising sun peaked through my window. I trained and practiced with my bow. I unpacked and repacked my bag. I polished and sharpened my sword. I made sure Dusk’s saddle bags were all prepared, that everything was in order. Yet still I could not sleep.”

“Because of Nickalus.” Gale said simply.

“He did not return. What is to say I will?” He turned to his old-time friend, fear shining in his hazel eyes for the first time. “Gale I’m at the bottom of my class. That has to be the reason why they are sending Anica with me, not because we share the same birthday and see it fit that we should go at the same time. Anica is at the top, I’m at the bottom. This has never happened before! Two Warrior apprentices sent out at the same time? It’s unheard off! Sir Jackson and my father must have had something to do with it.” There was bitter bile in Nathan’s voice now. “They believe that I will not return so they are willing to send Anica to protect me. I don’t know why no one would care if I vanished, not as much as they cared about Nick.”

Gale remained quiet, looking up at the ceiling. “Nathan.” He began his voice firm. “Our paths may have been divided but we still have remained the best of friends. You think that no one sees you creep in to the chapel at this time every year to pay your respects. I do. I knew how much Nick’s disappearance would affect you. I've always kept an eye on you. I know I've been distant these past few weeks, but, as you know, I too am preparing for my own graduation. I can tell you now that I would care if you vanished. I wouldn't be able to finish my training without you here. If you do not return from this, then I swear upon the Goddess that I will jump on a horse after you and would not rest until I found you.” Nathan couldn't help but chuckle slightly at the thought of Gale on a horse. Gale waved away his laugh with a small smile, “Yes yes I know I can’t ride a horse for the life of me. But I would try. For you. If not then I’d go on foot. Maybe you are right; maybe they are sending Anica for the sole purpose to protect you. You have too much pride to see what a blessing this is. With her beside you, you have more chance of survival. I am grateful towards her, and I have given her my thanks and my blessings. You may be at the bottom of you class, but all eyes are upon you now Nathan. Everyone is holding their breath, anxiously waiting to see if you return or if you vanish just like your brother.” He took a breath before continuing.

All your parents have left is you and Alexandra. Alex barley survived her own Wayfaring. I don’t have to tell you how distraught your mother has been since Lucy’s death and Nick’s disappearance. She will not be able to take it if another one of her children is stolen from her. Sir Jackson is one of the best Council in Farsco; you know that better than anyone. He agreed to mentor you out of respect for your brother yes, but that did not stop him from training you just as hard as he would any other apprentice.” Gale sat in silence for a few moments, sighing deeply. “Nick’s disappearance hit everyone hard. Not just you and your family.” He stood, resting a hand on Nathan’s shoulder, looking him in the eyes, “I have faith in you, brother. You will come back. Go check Dusk’s saddle again. I have left a present for you there.” He turned and walked to the front stepping onto the raised platform and began lighting the candles that stood on either side of the platform, preparing for the morning ceremony. As he walked from candle to candle, his tall figure dipped slightly with each step, clear evidence of his nearly-crippled leg.

Nathan watched his friend for a few moments, touched deeply by his words. He stood slowly, making his way to the doors one more.

“May the Goddess speed you on your journey, Nathan Carmez.” Gale’s voice sounded from the front of the room. “Just come back for me.” His voice was soft now, though his words still reached Nathan’s ears.

Nathan stopped, halfway out the door, his hand resting on the edge of the door. “You should be using your cane, Gale Quinn.” His own voice echoed around the room as he stepped forward, shutting the door behind him.

Nathan slowly made his way to the saddles, forcing himself to put one foot in front of the other as he walked away from Gale. The young Priest had blamed their growing distance on himself, but Nathan knew who really was to blame. With the Wayfaring coming up, that was all Nathan could think of. His afternoon lunches with Gale stopped because he couldn't give his friend the time of day. Now he was leaving and there was a chance that he may never see Gale again. Part of him wanted to turn around and run back to his friend, but he knew he could not. This parting was hard on Gale too. If he went back now, he would never leave. Sighing heavily, he forced himself to continue walking, walking across the bridge and opening the doors to the stables. Stepping inside, he was greeted with the welcoming knickers of horses, with the smell of fresh straw and horse feed. He closed his eyes and breathed a long sigh, making his way blindly to his horse’s stall. Opening the door, he stepped forward and grabbed a brush, running it through Dusk’s main, stroking his nose. He hardly looked up as another entered the stables, opening the stall beside his.

“Hello Anica.” He knew who it was without having to look up or open his eyes.

“Nathan.” Her voice was stiff and guarded.

He opened his eyes and moved to the side of Dusk, brushing down the white mare’s side. “Someone’s cheerful this morning.” He said, peering at her over the back of his steed.

“Shut up Nathan.” She said her voice scathing and hard. “Just because we are going on the Wayfaring together doesn’t mean that were friends.”

Nathan winced inwardly, “I just thought it wouldn’t hurt to talk occasionally, unless you want to go a whole month without talking.”

“Well you though wrong.” She retorted, though her voice had lost some of its hardness.

Nathan threw up his hands in mock defeat, “Alright alright no need to get worked up now.”

She gave him a nasty glare from her dark gray eyes and turned back to her black horse, Dawn. Nathan couldn’t help but watch her slender figure as she worked steadily on her horse. Her long blond hair had been pulled back, tied together with a long black ribbon. Her skin was a pale olive, shinning against her choice of clothing. She wore a fitted black shirt and black pants, her leather boots scuffed at the heel and toe. She was easily beautiful. Around her hip she wore a crooked weapons belt, complete with several throwing knives and a long sword. He noticed that she hadn’t buckled the belt on right, and laughed silently to himself. Unfortunately, she had chosen that exact moment to turn around, about to make another attempt to talk to him.

“What’s so funny?” her voice had gone high-pitched with sudden annoyance.

“Your belt,” he chuckled, “It’s on wrong.”

He ducked behind his horse, half-expecting her to throw something at him. When nothing flew over his head, he peaked up over Dusk, seeing with some surprise that she was laughing. A half-smile light up her face and her eyes danced with a half-forced humor.

“Nathan Carmez.” She said between her laughs, “Out of all of the things that you could laugh about, you’re laughing about my belt?

Maybe it was just the worry for the upcoming adventure that made it easy for them to laugh. It was a way to release the stress that had been building up inside them. “I’m going to pick on you every step of the way if you don’t learn how to put that belt on!”

She took each one of her knives out careful, setting them down and taking her sword out of its sheath before she tossed her belt to him. “You know I’ve never been good at putting equipment on properly. I just wan-”

“To get it on and get going.” They finished in unison.

Nathan laughed, catching the belt in his hand, “I’ve heard you say that so many times. I swear it’s like your catch phrase or something. Come ‘ere.” He said gruffly.

Anica shook her blond head and made her way over to him, brushing past Dusk and standing in front of Nathan, holding her hands up obediently. Nathan took the belt in one of his hands, reaching his arm around her waist and pulling the other side forward with his other hand. He kept his eyes down, hardly aware of his own steadily flushing face.

“You need to make sure it’s even all the way around. Make sure it’s flat too. It can’t be twisted or else it will be crooked and it will be harder to free your weapons in a tight spot.”

He buckled it just below her stomach, straightening up and looking her evenly in the eyes, shocked but how close she was.

“A- and there you go. It’s all fixed.” He stammered slightly.

She tipped her head slightly, “Thanks.” A strand of her blond hair fell across her face and he had the sudden urge to brush it away.

He dipped head, coughing slightly and taking a step back, “Anytime.” He then returned his attention back to his horse.

He placed the ivory white saddle pad on Dusk’s back, and placed the saddle on the stallion’s back. He was fastening the saddle when Anica spoke next.

“Nathan?” She asked,

“Yes Anica.” He replied.

“Let’s try to be friends okay?” there was a tinge of hope in her voice. “It’s not like I enjoy fighting with you every single day. And you are right.” She said grudgingly, “I don’t think I’d like to go a month or two without speaking.”

Nathan sighed slightly, putting his foot in one of the stirrups and hosting himself up, looking at her from atop his perch. “I’m all for it Annie.”

A small smile turned up the corner of her mouth, “Don’t call me Annie, stupid.”

“Don’t call me stupid.” He replied, smiling and nudging his horse from the stable.

Suddenly he remembered Gale and stopped his horse, reaching for his saddle bag. From the bag he drew forward a shining silver knife. The hilt of the knife was engraved with the Priest’s symbol, a laurel wreath. He gasped lightly, his memory flashing as he remembered the first time Gale had showed him the blade, his pride flaring.

This is a blessed knife.” He explained to Nathan, his green eyes dancing. “It’s made of pure silver and costs nearly fifty-five gold coins. I’ve saved up all the money that I have received over the years and was finally able to buy it last night.”

He held the knife in his hand. Reaching down and pulling out a note that had been shoved hastily in his bag. It read:

Nathan,

Take care on your journey. I know I will never see the outside of Farsco but bring me something back will you? I know your father, mother and sister gave you plenty of money but I contributed a little of my own. I mixed it with everything else though so you won’t be able to tell what was mine! I know what you’re thinking about the knife though. You’ve got no time to stop by the chapel today, you probably already did this morning and now it’s time to leave. Morning service has most likely already started and don’t you dare leave it on my windowsill! It’ll get stolen! So…you have no choice but to take it with you. Just don’t lose it because I’ll need it back when you come home! There are some herbs packed in your bag, as well as some in Anica’s so be sure to tell her! Be glad that I taught you all I did! In case you’ve forgotten any remedies, I took the liberty too write out the ones that you will need. No need to thank me I’m just looking out for you, the way I know you would for me. Safe travels brother.

With love,

Gale Quinn

Apprentice Priest

Nathan felt pressure behind his eyelids, tears threatening to leak from his eyes. Anica nudged Dawn into place beside him, peering at the knife and letter.

“Who’s that from?” she inquired.

“Gale.” Nathan said with a small cough, blinking his eyes quickly to clear the tears.

“You two are pretty close huh?” her voice was strangely quiet.

“Yeah.” He spurred Dusk forward, trying to avoid the topic of Gale.

His companion trotted beside him, her eyes still on the silver knife. “How do you feel about leaving him behind?”

Nathan wheeled on her in an instant, his eyes flashing with pain, “How would you like leaving your best friend, not knowing if you’ll ever get to see him again?” he snapped.

Anica flared up instantly, her gray eyes darkening, “I was just trying to be friendly!” she snarled.

Instantly, guilt prickled within him. He dropped his head, slipping the silver knife into a sheath on his hip. “I know. I’m sorry… I just can’t stand the thought of going anywhere without him. When we were younger we promised each other that we were going to go on this quest together, even if we had to sneak out at the crack of dawn to do it.”

“And then he had his accident.” She said quietly, her bristling shoulders lowering and her eyes sympathetic.

Nathan nodded stiffly. “And then he had his accident.”

“What happened exactly? No one really knows besides you and Gale.”

“Let’s just focus on getting to the Springs.” His voice was tart and sharp.

Anica sighed with slight disappointment but followed him as he made his way through the streets, the hooves of their horses echoing against the wooden houses that lined their path. The sky above them was now turning a light, baby blue, white, wispy clouds floating through the air like butterflies on the wind. The wind stirred their hair, the cool tang of coming autumn rolling in with the breeze. Nathan heard horse hooves pounding behind them and whipped around to see a young girl with raven black hair riding their way, her dark cloak bellowing out around her.

“Hailey!” Nathan cried, spurring his horse and turning him to greet his friend.

Her face was angular and sharp, very much like Gale’s. Her hair was waist long and the cloak that was fastened around her neck was pinned to her ivory-white robe with a jade green broach. As much as the pooled shadows made Gale fair and attractive, they made Hailey all the more beautiful. Her lips were full and rosy, her skin sun-dyed and her deep blue eyes wild with excitement. Beside him, Anica stiffened on her steed, narrowing her eyes slightly at the newcomer.

“Hailey.” She said her voice friendly but stiff. “You know we really must be going. Sir Jackson is waiting for us.”

“Oh I know I’m terribly sorry.” Hailey apologized, grinning at Anica. “I just came to give something to the both of you.”

“Th- The both of us?” Anica stammered.

“Yes.” She said, pulling out two dark bundles. She handed one to Anica and one to Nathan, looking up at him bashfully. “Don’t open until you’re out of Farsco ok? I- I’m late for the morning service already so I have to run.” She nudged her horse closer to Nathan and Dusk, giving him a kiss on his cheek.

“H-Hailey?” Nathan stammered his eyes wide and surprised.

“I should go.” Hailey turned and rode her steed in the opposite direction, though not before he could get a look at her bright red, flushing face.

Anica shoved the bundle in her saddle bag, her hands trembling slightly. “Let’s go Nathan. You can worry about pretty girls when we get home.” She turned and rode Dawn the few remaining paces into the forest.

Nathan nodded his eyes still on Hailey’s distant figure. Dusk snorted and tore the reins from his master’s hand, following Dawn and Anica into the trees. Surprised, Nathan lurched forward before resettling himself back into the saddle, letting his horse follow Dawn. He looked up at the tall cedar and ash trees, letting the gentle rustle of the leaves fill his head, focusing him on the journey ahead. Pale sunlight filtered down on them, making Anica’s pale blond hair a silky gold and Dusk’s white coat a shining star. He sighed heavily, his worries and fears crashing down on him once again. The Wayfaring. The name bounced around his head like a child’s ball against a wall. Every Warrior apprentice dreamed of this moment. The first-and last- time they would be able to step outside their small world and into the bigger, more fearsome one that lay beyond. He bowed his head, recalling the story that had been drilled into his head millions of times.

There was a time when Farsco had been a large, thriving down at the feet of the capital. Merchants and passing sailors came through, takings goods with them and leaving behind more money than any had other seen. Elves came and traded magical items for the necessary ones; food, protection, weapons. There was no need to fear magic or the ones that created it. Then the Civil War happened.

No one could have known that the Elves were arming themselves for war, preparing to take back the land that they had sold to the humans’ centuries before, calming it to be “sacred land.” Twelve months after the death of the Elvin King, the Elves marched on Farsco and other small towns. Wars raged, towns ravaged and children orphaned and young brides widowed. Fields that had once only known wildflowers and cattle, were now a deep crimson, a cemetery for the undead and nameless. It was impossible to tell who belong to who, for the body count was too high. Finally, a darker power arose, a group that defined themselves as The Black Court. They were the first humans with magic, but their magic was not pure like the Elves. Instead it was twisted and black, corrupting the people that meant to use it for good. Power made the sober men drunk and the kind ones cruel. Soon enough, the Elves were defeated but The Black Court still reigned. Deciding that they would be the ones to control Kilon, they kidnapped the future queen and her younger sister, killing the Queen and leaving the King to live the remainder of his life in fear and grief. The town of Farsco had since retreated into the Omitted Woods, becoming lost in the trees until, to the outside world, they ceased to exist.

Refusing to be totally cut off from the world, or to ever be caught unprepared for a second invasion, the Elders began to train young Priests and Warriors, Knights and future leaders. To test their newly trained Warrior apprentices, they sent them out on a journey into a world that they had never seen, a journey called the Wayfaring. Students were sent into the world at the dawn of their sixteenth birthday. The Wayfaring required of –age apprentices to travel to a place known as Stone’s Ridge and back in no less than two months. The Wayfaring was a test, but also a choice. A choice to return to the sheltered world that they had always known, or to live in the outside world and never return. For some, the answer was obvious, but for others; they did not return. Killed by the journey or chosen to say, it has never been clear…

Nathan jerked himself from his thoughts as Dusk’s hooves hit the water. The stallion stopped, shaking his head and snorting softly. Nathan looked around the spring, wondering if he would get a chance to see it again. This spring, known as the Night Spring, was in full sunlight, a rarity that could not be found anywhere else besides town. Low, crumbling cobblestone walls surrounded the spring, the clear water trickling down from a stack of boulders that lay ahead of them. The water sparkled in the newly-arisen sun, bringing forth morning dragonflies. Their bodies were a mixture of red and blue, the clear wings on their backs flashing rainbow as the rays caught them. Small, circular stepping stones led to a tall shrine in the center of the spring, portraying a young maiden aiming her bow to the sky. Her face was tight with concentration, her hair falling gracefully around her stony shoulders. In front of the shrine, on the very last stepping stone, stood a man, his back to them and his face raised to the sky. Nathan and Anica dismounted, stepping forward onto the stones and walking forward. The horse whined softly, dipping their heads to drink from the spring. As they neared the last stone, the man turned around, eyeing them with caution. Wrinkles ran under his dark gray eyes and along his jaw, making him appear much older than he was. The stubble that ran along his chin was pitch-black rimmed with gray, hair pulled into a sharp pony tail behind his head. He adorned a dark gray shirt and black pants, a clock fastened to his shoulder with a flat silver broach. Looking closer, Nathan was able to see that there was an eagle engraved in the center of the silver. He met the man’s piercing gray eyes, resisting the urge to run forward and throw his arms around him.

“Nathan.” The man addressed him first, “Are you well today?”

Nathan nodded, swallowing hard. “Yes Sir Jackson.”

His mentor nodded, “Good.” He turned to Anica, “And you my lady?”

“I am ready.” She peered around Jackson as if she expected someone else to come forward. “Is, ah, Sir Carmez here?” hope tinged in her voice.

Jackson shook his head, putting his hand on the girl’s shoulder. “I’m afraid he couldn’t make it today.”

Anica’s head dropped and she looked at the ground, making no attempt to hide her bitter disappointment. Nathan felt a small sting in the center of his chest. His father had promised to be here today.

Jackson cleared his throat, breaking the bleak silence. “I have a surprise for the both of you, then you must be on your way.”

Anica looked up, “Two surprises in one day? Wow we’re so lucky.” Sarcasm dripped from her voice.

Jackson frowned in disapproval and Nathan opened his mouth to snap at her disrespect towards his mentors, but stopped at Jackson’s raised hand. “Sir Carmez asked me to give these to you.”

Anica’s face reddened slightly as she took a bundled up parcel that Jackson was extending to her. He handed an identical one to Nathan, watching as they unwrapped them. Inside each was a slender recurve bow, complete with a quiver and a set of twelve arrows. The wood was made from silver willow bark, hard to find in the forest. Nathan couldn’t help but smile slightly at his father’s gift.

“Please give him our thanks.” Anica said, shouldering the bow and attaching the quiver to her belt.

Jackson nodded, “I will.” He grabbed Nathan and pulled him into a rough hug, surprising him. “Be safe boy.” He said, tripping over his own words. He turned to Anica and hugged her gently, “And you. Come back safely.”

Anica and Nathan exchanged side-ways glances as they nodded to the older man. “Don’t worry about us Sir. We’ll be back in a month’s time.” Nathan promised, smiling reassuringly.

Jackson coughed, waving his hand at them. “Be gone!” he said, though there was a wavering smile on his face. “The sooner you leave the sooner you may return!”

Nathan led the way back to their steeds, mounting Dusk and tapping his heels gently against his side, nudging him into a light cantor. He waved his hand in a final farewell to his mentor, meeting Anica’s eyes as he turned back around. The Wayfaring had begun.


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131 Reviews


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Thu Jul 17, 2014 6:20 pm
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MaryEvans wrote a review...



I agree with previous reviews that the poems and quotes are too much in the beginning. You want to start where things are happening in the now with the main character as a focus, in other words have a good hook. Any background or prophesies (if you insist on having one do investigate it in more depth because http://writeworld.tumblr.com/post/31434 ... the-cliche ) can be weaved in the actual story. Also if the poem is not your own, you shouldn’t use it (unless given permission of course.)

I do like the map.

Vary your sentence structure a bit more.

I think the first paragraph meanders a bit, you can say the same thing shorter and more effective. (Keep this in mind for the story as a whole.) And I like your descriptions, but again, try to keep them contained and to the point.

“He walked forward, holding his breath, running a hand through his shaggy brown hair in an effort to make it neat.” Too many things happening in the same sentence. Chop it up. And generally don’t bunch together so different of actions in an “and” or comma composite.

You put a lot of attention to your descriptions, do so for the action as well. I feel your acrion narrative is too short and sudden from time to time, probably because of the issue I pointed out above. Also don’t give all the character appearance description in one huge chunk. It interrupts the action. Weave it in gradually.

Read the dialogue out loud and make sure it sounds natural at all times. Go easy on exposition in dialogue too.

Don’t start a sentence with "suddenly." There are very few occasions where it’s allowed, but better safe than sorry. Same goes for most adverbs as a beginning of paragraphs or sentences.

No big chunks of exposition. Especially those you need to divide with italics. Just no. There’s always a way to introduce all that information seamlessly. People like fiction and not textbooks for a reason.

Else you have your setup and everything which is nice. The prose is ok too.

One final thing, you can cut the story after he exits the chapel (or whatever) and start the next part where he meets Anica, since this is an online post and the shorter you can make it, the better for boosting views. Personally, I hate cutting things, but right here, I think it can be done painlessly.




Sillia says...


Alright, thanks for your review



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Thu Jul 10, 2014 8:34 am
EmeraldEyes wrote a review...



Hi.

I was really confused when reading this. You have loads of poems at the beginning but it didn't look like you wrote them all? Unless you made all those character names and stuff? It was just really confusing.
Then you had the map and all the kind of info was just ARGH!
How much of this did you actually create yourself because if it was all of it then well done. That is something amazing.
But i just didn't get it. Then we got the fictional story bit at the bottom.

Your writing is good, very mature and you have a nice tone to dialogue in your work:

“Hailey.” She said her voice friendly but stiff. “You know we really must be going. Sir Jackson is waiting for us.”

“Oh I know I’m terribly sorry.” Hailey apologized, grinning at Anica. “I just came to give something to the both of you.”

“Th- The both of us?” Anica stammered.


The character names are also apt for the genre and you have included a lot of vivid description. I enjoyed this, I just found the format a bit confusing. -nods-
Keep writing!




Sillia says...


Thanks so much! i wrote all of it except for the poem



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Thu Jul 10, 2014 7:05 am
JaBurton wrote a review...



I'm only really focusing on the major technical aspects, just so you know. That being said, I am a bit of a hypocrite because I have the same tendencies in my writing (probably why I'm taking note of it). Also, I read most, not all, of it due to reaching a wall of really big paragraphs, so let's lead with that, shall we?


I like your story, so please don't take offence with anything I say, but your story starts off very... blockish? It's too descriptive and bulky for a first paragraph, and frankly the size of it nearly scared me off and it definitely made me weary to read the rest. As a first paragraph it should be descriptive and catchy, but yours hosts so much description that it was a bit difficult to get through. So, to start off I will make two recommendations.

1) Split your first paragraph at the sentence which starts "Taking a step towards the chapel". You can split it any point really, but the point is to down size it.
2) Save some of the description for dialogue. Since this is marked as a chapter let me tell you, active description versus long sentences of it goes a long way in making the story seem realistic or relatable.
3) I know I said two, but bear with me. You have a few paragraph like this that can be split and, while I'm definitely not saying to split all of them up, since they are all very close together, try and make some variation in their size a bit. Looking at 3 large paragraphs that can fill a page versus 4 reasonable and one large... it makes a difference.

Getting past that now, can I recommend that you move the character descriptions down to bottom of the chapter so as not to interrupt what you already have going. You do have descriptions of appearances in the story, so there's no need to feature them before hand like and obligation to the reader (it also seems a little like you doubt yourself with describing them in text, but that's just my take on it). Putting them after the story is more like a bonus, the fact that someone can easily scroll down and find the description if they forget, although you could mention it is at the bottom.

On to the good things. Your dialogue is fantastic and fitting of the character's who use it. No one, at least that I read, using diction that I couldn't see them using (having referenced the descriptions for age and such) especially in this world you have set up. There is also the fact that you SEPARATE you characters dialogue for which I thank you. Seriously, people forget so often it hurts me.

I like your visual style of writing because it draws me in to your story, into it's world, with such complete hold over me that I really hate reaching the end of it (my end being the wall mentioned before). The descriptions are not only accurate for their given topic, but are complete. This said, active description through dialogue should be delivered to substitute or even lead into the descriptions since you will have room to do so if you have more chapters.

Thanks for the story, I'll read the rest when I wake up. Sorry.




Sillia says...


Thank you so much for your review! I've written 2 other chapters so i will for sure put them up if not only for you to read :)




cron
Words are pale shadows of forgotten names. As names have power, words have power. Words can light fires in the minds of men. Words can wring tears from the hardest hearts.
— Patrick Rothfuss, The Name of the Wind