Hello, rhia here to review! I'm going to start with grammar and sentence correction, little nitpicky things, and then I'll tell you what I like.
It wont even change my parents mind that I'm a loser
*won't
The bastard son who broke the link of prize children. Earth bound, well adjusted, conceded, and admitting nothing.
I might suggest a semicolon after "of prize children" instead of the period. It would allow for a smoother transition between the two clauses, whereas now it's a little disjointed.
So few things bring me joy, but Its hard to stay still.
*it's
My head rushes and worries me of pleasures i wont or cannot surmount
Now, I don't usually nitpick capitalisation, so the only reason I will here is because sometimes you capitalize I, sometimes you don't. I think you should just pick one. Unless, of course, there's a correlation between whether the I (as in narrator) is feeling superior (and thus a capitalized I) or degraded and weak (thus a lowercase i), in which case I think you should leave it be. But I'm not sure that that's what it is.
My eyes betray anger, frustration and hatred.
This line just left me wanting more. The rest of the poem is made of strong imagery and uses very advanced vocabulary, then with this line, it's just so much weaker. It has so much potential if you just show, don't tell. I want to see these emotions in your eyes as I read, not be told that they are there.
I answer to proccesses wholy
*wholly
Im outwardly reaching but my taciturn reply leaves much to be desired. Im selective in my friendships and Ive spat on the forheads of decent men for forgiveness from some malevolent god.
Ive spurned the glazed stare of mobs, Surreal visions clouding thier judgment, the lizard brain cutting thier influence in half, the half that held contempt, and the hypocritic luagh.
*I'm x2
*I've x2
*"stares" b/c mobs is plural
* surreal doesn't need a capital s
*should be hypocritical
*should be spelled "laugh"
My enemies dirtied it, my selfsame brothers clawed at it. I didnt stomp on their fingers but I let them wear away. Id been the subject of cruel jest earlier my companion would have joined the lynch mob.
*didn't
*I'd
The third sentence here is sort of confusing. It doesn't quite make sense. I feel like you probably just left out a word or something, so I suggest rereading it and clarifying.
All I can do now is feel a singing disgust at my submissive nature.
*I think you might mean singeing. I thought that singeing looked sort of funny, so I looked it up, and it actually is the gerund form of singe, so.
There are probably a few other things that could be worded better, so maybe just read through and see if everything flows or sounds right.
I hope all the nitpicks weren't annoying, I just know that it's hard to notice your own little mistakes sometimes, and so few people actually take the time to tell you where you made them when they review. Maybe I was helpful.
The overall poem, you did really well at capturing anger; at yourself, at others. The title was great, it really caught my attention. You had really unique similes and metaphors, great diction, and you were just fiery and passionate all the way through, and I loved that. I think, if neatened up a bit, it will be just amazing.
Points: 830
Reviews: 208
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