z

Young Writers Society


16+ Language Violence

LAPIS :The Introduction:

by SereneSimpliciT


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.

Shooting stars fly overhead

Oh my, my dear

Get out of bed

Make a wish

And close your eyes

For I will be up there tonight.

They land on bugs

And make them glow

Oh my, my dear

It's a firefly show

The stars still fall

But it's alright

I'll become one too tonight.

I see a light just like the sun

Oh my, my dear

It looks like this is done

Now all will join the stars so bright

At least I'm still with you tonight.

"Everyone. . . . duck and cover!"

What? . . . What's happened? . . .

"Do not retreat. . . . repeat, DO NOT RETREAT!"

Why would I retreat? . . . Is there a logical reason to do so? . . .

"Have no mercy for that thing! . . . Shoot damn it!"

Without warning, something hits my back, causing me to lose my balance on whatever it is I'm standing, whether it be the actual ground or one of the hyper-gravital transportation ports. The ground meets my face, and it's determined now that I am indeed on Earth, the taste of dirt and rubble now in my mouth. It's not long before I start spitting, trying to rid my mouth of the metallic taste and strange texture. I try to prop up my body, but I fail. My arms are sore and weak, but why?

After a small struggle, I'm able to get to my knees and crawl fast to rest against something, my best guess an overturned air rover, as I can feel the tank's familiar edges. My head feels heavy, my perception of everything besides the clear lines of what I'm leaning against vague at best. All I can hear are ear popping bangs, coming from the AA-12 Converts and AER 21 Rifles that must be shooting from nearby, the vibration of the launching Web Missiles becoming more dominate as their usual low rumble follows. It's as if I've been thrown into an orchestra's percussion section, the sounds beginning to morph into something similar to a large drum, beaten again, and again, and again, releasing a large low eruption of sound waves that overthrow all others.

"Kill it!"

Why do you want me to? . . . What has it done to deserve death?

I bring my hands come to my face, wiping away whatever grime I guess is left. I wipe across my eyes, when suddenly a sinking feeling overcomes me. I can't figure out how it took me so long to realize it, but it's clear what's happening.

I can't see.

Of all things that can happen to a soldier, this is probably one of the worst. Not being able to see means you have absolutely no idea when air attacks are coming, or attacks period. You aren't able to fire at anyone, or anything, considering you aren't able to aim or even find your target. And most severe, you don't know when you've become a target.

I should stay hidden, at least until the fighting has moved on so that I can survive. Though I have no idea where I even am, or what is around me. Hell, for all I know, the rover I'm leaning against is the only kind of protection for yards, miles maybe. I have no choice but to remain here at this point and hope another soldier finds me before it's too late.

To my shock, however, my body doesn't obey my sane thinking, as I feel my hand go for my own XM8 E Rifle that's in my side holster. I try stopping my actions, but it seems another is controlling me as I clip in another magazine and turn, resting some of the gun's weight on the rover as I look through the view finder, a rather pointless action. Then, without fail, my hand grips the receiver, the other the hand guard, and my index finger squeezes the trigger, a popping noise soon sounding as I feel the recoil against my shoulder. After a dozen shots or so, I stop, and stand a bit, holding my rifle upright still as I start to run around the rover towards what I know will soon be my death.

"Jintez! Get back!"

I know, I know I should get back, but hey, aren't I doing what you ask by advancing like an idiot? . . . I was told to not retreat. . . .

"I'm not going to allow her to be killed!"

I'm caught off guard as the words escape my lips, now more confused than ever. Wait a minute, that's my voice. . . . What the hell? Since when do I care about someone? And 'her'? . . . Who is the girl I'm talking about? I don't know many girls, none especially that I would go into a line of fire to retrieve. . . .

"It's a lost cause you idiot!" someone shouts.

Yeah, listen to the guy, he seems to be sane, unlike myself at this point. . . . don't go after this girl. . . .

"She's a human being!" I yell back against my will.

"It is a weapon of the Noxcus now!" the same voice answers.

Whoa, whoa, what?! . . . I'm trying to save a Noxcus?! . . . Alright, that's it, dude, whoever you are, just shoot me, I'm gone, I've gone insane. . . .

Despite my honest thoughts, it seems whatever is in control of my vocal chords disagrees, declaring, "I won't abandon her!"

My stride quickens to a pace much faster than before, and I hear the man's voice fading into the distance as I advance further. I'm apparently just asking to get killed out here, aren't I? And for what? Oh yeah, some girl who I don't even know. And to top it off, she's a Noxcus, the sworn enemy to us.

As I continue forward, ideas of what may be happening begin to form in my mind. Maybe I'm under her control? I was told once in the academy that some Noxcus have the ability to manipulate minds.

Oh, ok, so I'm not insane, I'm just weak. God dammit, I spent seven months in that special mind course for nothing if this is where it got me, and that crap was hard too, not to mention it sent quite a bill to my parents!

If I do survive, I'll have to go and try to pay them back for at least trying to help me out here.

Without warning, I'm once again hit by a force, though this time the impact has my feet off the ground, throwing me into what I imagine is a wall. I can hear some of my bones raddling through my body, widespread pain spreading throughout my body as I hit the ground with a smack. Thankfully for adrenaline, the pain is dull, and I'm able to lift myself to three of all fours. When I try to set my left arm however, I'm shocked to find I have almost no feeling, except for a short but horrible pain that shoots down my spine. It appears I've dislocated it.

Great.

I sit against the cool wall and with all my might, I grasp my left bicep, and do all I can to pop my limp arm back in. And luckily, I feel the sensation of life come back with a screeching pain as it reconnects to the socket, an anguished grunt sounding through my clenched teeth. After a moment, I test my left hand, making a few fists to make sure I can still grip well. It stings some, but I'll have to get over it. I wipe my mouth, blood probably dripping.

Heh, I can see myself now, my blonde hair matted by drying blood, my once good blue eyes now either shot out or just blinded for some unknown reason, my uniform is probably stained and muddy, the padding cracked in some places, and my data shades are probably missing as well.

I do my best to stand, though I'm staggering on my feet, unable to become fully upright. As I do so, I pick up my rifle, surprising myself as I was somehow able to find it and now clasping it tight in my right fist.

"Jintez, STOP!"

Listen to him jackass! . . . Follow his orders! . . .

Despite my will and a slight limp, I start sprinting as best I can, dodging something as I continue forward. How I'm able to do such a thing without sight is beyond my better judgement, or any way of making sense of this predicament.

If I break free of this Noxcus, I'm gonna have a field day beating its ass.

To my relief I finally stop, my breathing a bit coarse considering. I set my rifle against my right shoulder, and take a few shots, aiming in the darkness at something that must be approaching me. Then, the ground suddenly starts to rumble, almost knocking off my shaky balance. I whip my head around, and for the first time, I'm able to see something.

A bright, blinding light morphs from the nothingness surrounding me, appearing to be get even brighter by the moment. For some baffling reason, I don't put up my arms to shield my eyes. I can't, something about this light has me transfixed. As I look it over I see something within the light, something seems to be forming with a different color of light. It's a bright blue, a little lighter than my own eyes. Like the heart, it beats rhythmically, and I turn all my body towards it, my legs walking me closer as I'm consumed by it.

"You're dead!"

Here it comes-

Then, everything abruptly changes. I'm upright, sitting in my cot, a cold sweat forming on my face. Rather frantically, I look around, finding myself in my quarters of the barracks. After a moment, I make another realization; I can see again. It's night, a calmly lit half moon shining dimly outside the window above my cot, lighting the end of my blanket, and exposed feet which hang off the end. Apparently the cots weren't designed to be slept on by guys over 6', as I'm 6'3" easy. Maybe even 6'5". Finally, I let out a long drawn sigh, resting my head in my hands, running them through my tangled locks.

That was probably the worst of the weird dreams I've been having lately. Ever since I left Liber Base down near Stellos, I've been having dreams about war, and other military problems Vesperia has been having lately.

I turn my head a bit, seeing the hologram clock beaming softly on the wall, reading the time, late as I already know, and the date; the 14th of Ortus, year 3000. I sigh, rubbing my neck as I begin to think on the past few years. Since the early 2990's, Vesperia, and the neighboring country of Earth, Orienus, have been at odds with the Noxcus, one of the most powerful Terrestrial Societies in our known universe. Many of the Societies are peaceful and are ruled by kind beings, though there are a few that are ruthless and are power hungry, which the Noxcus happen to be.

Though, it wasn't until that dark day five years ago that things turned to war. One minute, there was a peaceful town in Plannis Valley, a region at the heart of Vesperia. Then, in a matter of minutes, a small fleet of Noxcus war crafts descended on the largest city of the valley and massacred 9,000 people, men, women, and children, all slaughtered in cold blood. This enraged the Vesperian and Orien people and our Vivrex's, who together with our many Terrestrial Allies, sought the ruler of the Noxcus to learn why they killed. And in one sentence, the Noxus leader, who they apparently call the "Regerus", launched the war.

". . . Ultimate obliteration to your children, and to all Sapien, for I will spill all blood."

At the start of the war, I was just about to turn 16 years old, and was immediately put into the Vesperian Military Academy with many of my friends and neighbors to become a soldier to fight against the Noxcus. I spent three years learning that was needed to be known on strategy and the weapons we would be using. I learned about the Noxcus' history, and our own, as well as some of our top allies; Altuvalen and Jacboatus. I was taught the basics on how to speak the top 6 languages of the Universe, which include English, which I already knew, Japanese, Nocan, Altum, Faxsens, and Saxcotes. At the same time, I was trained on how to use the weapons I had been taught about. I went through hours of combat courses. I learned how to survive out in desolate places. I was made to memorize what is edible and what is poisonous in the Vesperian wild. After that, with me passing the exam with some of the highest scores, I was posted down south in Stellos.

Though, a few weeks ago, I was called forward with about fifty others to move bases. We all left yesterday, and are currently staying at a private military camp for the night, as we won't be at our new assigned base till tomorrow. We're going to one of the top bases in Vesperia in fact, Base 035, Gelus. The base is very well known for it's high caliber soldiers, advancing technology, and one thing that no other does.

They're studying a new type of soldier that I've recently read about.

Apparently these soldiers are stronger, and are described to even have powers. They were discovered around a decade ago, but it wasn't until recently that information on them was allowed to circulate in other bases. What has been released, however, is sparse, not relaying how they were discovered, or even what they look like, only telling that they're advanced beings, and have been said to be probably the best thing for the military since the invention of guns. That's saying something.

Thinking over everything, I sigh, and lay back down, looking up at the ceiling. Shadows dance on the pale gray, lulling me back into unconsciousness. Though, before I know what's happened, I'm being shaken.

"C'mon Man, wake up!"

"H-Huh, what?" I say groggily as I sit up.

"Dude, we have an hour before we gotta go. Get ready Man!"

I look over to see Cent, my best friend from my home town standing over me, looking at me with a bit of annoyance. He has curly red hair and warm brown eyes, pale freckled skin, and a normal build. He's shorter than me, my still decent height, roughly six feet. I watch him for a moment, than yawn, "Hey Mr. Leprechaun."

Cent glares at me in a non-seriously manner, and hits me lightly upside the head in response to my joke. "Seriously Man, we gotta get ready before the Colonel comes around," he says as he walks away.

"Alright, alright," I reply, moving my blanket aside as I turn to hang my legs off the side of the cot. I take off my shirt as I stand, throwing it into the basket of dirty clothes I keep beside my bed which I clean once every other day. Unlike back at home, we only have a few articles of clothing, those of which are necessary, being three or four T-shirts, if lucky, two pairs of shorts, 2 pairs of long pants, one insulated for cold, one more like dress pants, our long sleeve squad shirt, one thick jacket, one coat, our tool vest, then two pairs of boots. The only other thing we have are our dressy uniforms that we wear on special occasions. I usually just wear one of my T-shirts and shorts to sleep in, while others just sleep in their boxers. But I don't like that, not that I'm self-conscious about anything, I just, y'know, like knowing that if we're attacked, I'm at least wearing clothes.

I sigh and look up, meeting my reflection in my mirror above the sink. My hair is a bit messy as usual, though my blue eyes seem a bit puffy for some reason, though it'll pass. I shave, being careful not to cut myself as Cent tries to carry a conversation, something he knows I'm not a fan of.

"So dude, how last night?" Cent asks.

"What do you mean?" I reply as I finish the first pass.

"I mean did you have any nightmares again?"

I've told him about all my bad dreams and nightmares that have occurred recently. He's the only one I trust with the information, as I am the type that doesn't like to share private things that are bothering me, so it's nice to have him around to talk to. Though, this time, I don't know if I want to tell him about this dream. It was too real to me. I thought I was actually experiencing all that was happening. I really thought I was blind, that I had been thrown against a wall, that my arm was actually dislocated. I truly thought I was in pain.

"No. . . . no," I trail.

Cent looks over me, and groans. He rests his weight against his own sink which is on the opposite side of the room, right next to his cot. That's right, we share a room.

"Dammit Goro, tell me what's wrong," Cent says.

"Goro" is my nickname. Although my full name is Isugoro, when we were young, Cent was too lazy to call me by my real name, so that's what he started calling me, and it stuck for all these years.

"Nothing is wrong-" I start.

"Oh don't go trying to tell me that crap. Dude, how long have I known you?" Cent interrupts.

"Cent-"

"No, how long have I known you?"

"Since we were seven."

"Yes Sir, seven, meaning how many years now?"

"Thirteen, but still-"

"But still nothing Man, I know when there's something going on, and you're not talking. Now talk."

I stare at him, looking him right in his brown eyes. They're concentrated and focused, meaning that he won't let up on me. Once Cent makes up his mind, there's no stopping him. I sigh as I get the last part of my face shaved.

"It was nothing, really. Just a very realistic dream," I say.

"Ah ha!" Cent says, feeling victorious, "So you did have a bad dream."

"Really, it was just a dream."

"Well, what happened?"

"I was in some war zone," I say as I splash water on my face.

"Alright, keep going," he says as he turns around, picking up his tooth brush.

"Well, I couldn't see anything-" I start.

"Was it night or something?" he interrupts again.

"No, I was blind," I explain as I lean against my own sink.

"What the hell?"

"Yeah, and I could hear people trying to tell me to return to wherever they were, but I kept saying no."

"Why?"

"I was trying to save someone I guess."

"Who?"

"I don't know who she was-"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, She?" Cent interrupts, turning around as he puts his toothpaste on his toothbrush, "You were trying to save a girl?"

"That's what I'm guessing," I reply with a shrug.

"So what, was she your girlfriend or something?" he questions.

"Hell if I know, I never found out anything, other then that she was associated with the Noxcus."

He just stares at me for a moment, before he sighs like an ashamed father. I raise an eyebrow, unsure what to think as he turns back around, commenting more to himself than me, "Damn, you got a weird taste in girls."

"I do not-" I begin.

"You were trying to save a Noxcus Chick, dumb ass," Cent interrupts.

"I don't think she was a Noxcus," I comment.

"You just said she was a Noxcus-" he starts.

"Associated with, not a Noxcus," I correct.

"Same difference," Cent says, making a strange face in the mirror for me to see.

I chuckle. Cent has always been a funny and outspoken guy, probably one of the most out of all the friends we have in the squad. But hey, that's probably what makes him popular with everyone; especially the girl members.

"But then, I got hit with something," I say, continuing my story.

"What? Shrapnel?" Cent asks, before he begins to brush his teeth.

"No, it was more like an energy burst or something. But whatever it was it sent me flying into a wall," I reply.

"Ow, sounds painful," he comments, his voice a bit distorted as he continues to brush.

"It was."

"Wait, you felt it?"

"Yep, every break, tear, and dislocation."

"Damn, I hate those kind of dreams, they're a bitch."

"Yeah, well, got up from that, and then there was this really bright light-"

"I thought you said you couldn't see."

"Not till this happened."

"Oh."

"Yeah, and the I saw something blue, and boom, I woke up."

He doesn't answer quickly, probably processing what I've described. He may say something wise, which happens every so often, and would be much appreciated at the moment. Yet, instead, all I get is a shrug, and him saying with an uninterested tone, "Hmm, sounds weird."

"You're the one that wanted to know," I sigh. Oh well, maybe next time.

Without warning, Cent's expression becomes more animated, realizing it's time for his favorite type of question; the psychological reasoning. "So, what do you think it means?" he asks with a smile on his face.

"Uh, I don't know. Maybe that we're going into Hell," I say in monotone. Instantly, his energy depleats about fifty percent. With his toothbrush sticking out of his mouth, he turns and sends me a humorous glare, which I reply to with a smile. He knows I did it on purpose just to ruin his fun.

After a minute, he turns back, sighing, "Yeah, the Military is so much fun."

I laugh at him as he moves his tooth brush around his mouth, doing a little dance as he does so, trying to keep a beat.

"Yep, it is," I say somewhat sarcastically as he takes out his toothbrush.

He grins, then leans over, spitting into the sink and rinsing it out before he turns back and says, "And what about the girl?"

"What about her?" I ask.

"Think you'll meet a girl that you'd risk your life for?"

I shrug, replying honestly, "Probably not. Remember, it was just a dream."

"Who knows, maybe it was a premonition of the future," Cent says, making weird motions with his hand as he grabs the cup of water he normally has sitting on the edge of the sink, tilting it back like a shot glass as he brings it to his lips.

"Yeah, let's go with that," I say with a smirk as I pull on a new T-shirt.

Within the next twenty minutes, I get fully dressed in my attire, as does Cent, coming out of our room at the same time. We hurry quickly to the cafeteria to make it just in time to sit with a few friends at the table before the Colonel walks in. He looks over us, his small beety eyes picking out every man in the room, scavenging to see if anyone is missing as he walks over to the stand. The Colonel is short, standing probably around the height of 5'3". His hair is grey and receding under his officer's cap, the setting sun insignia that represents Vesperia clipped to the front. He wears an official uniform of our country, green, and looking somewhat like what the uniforms those the Americans wore back a thousand years prior.

Our military take a lot from them, and the knowledge of the ancient country of the United States has spread worlds wide. The U.S., as it's abbreviated, is said to have been one of the greatest countries ever to have a pull in the world, a symbol of freedom and the highest of respect. Even to this day, those who're born within the original American borders pride themselves in the fact that they walk on the soil which so many historic figures called their homeland.

But, even the great country of America wasn't immune to terror and war. In fact, they were at the center of the dark time known as the Continental Apocalypse, when chaos raged upon all nations from the early 2200's to as late as 2400. It only ended when so many had lost their lives, and only a handful of nations remained. The United States, the largest of the surviving people, called those still standing to join and start anew. It was decided by the majority that the lands would be joined with those around it, the western countries creating the continent country of Vesperia, and those of the East created Orienus, our sister continent country. This time is known as the Great Uniting, and since, war has been little, only a few uprisings here and there in the past few centuries due to a few greedy Vivrexes.

My attention is pulled back as I hear the Colonel cough into the mic, signaling he's starting. "Alright Men. Today, you will be walking into Gelus as a new and honored Gelus Base Soldier. You will become some of the top soldiers in Vesperia, and will get the once in a lifetime experience to interact with things that many recruits do not," Colonel says, "I am honored to of been able to train you for this day Soldiers. May you make all of Vesperia, Orienus, and our Allies, proud."

With that, he steps to the side of the stand, we all standing in reply. He raises his right hand to his temple, and we do the same. This is one of the things I was talking about that we adopted from the U.S., and I've always thought this was an interesting way of signing off in a way.

"Fight with the setting Sun-" Colonel says.

"For the coming Sun of tomorrow," we all reply.

"Carry your Arms-"

"For the Arms of your Brothers."

"Fight for the Light!"

"Fight for our Right!"

"Vesperia!" Colonel yells.

"Vesperia!" we yell back.

Colonel grins, and sets down his arm, allowing us to sit and start our meal. Cent and the others talk giddily around me, talking about some girl Cent had gotten the attention of the other day during training. I look over my shoulder at the rising Sun. We are in a valley beside the mountains, right outside the Summan Territory, which Gelus is located in the heart of. The peaks look high and majestic as their snow caps reflect the rays of light. Pine trees line the skyline, and I can see birds flying above. Everything here seems peaceful, hiding the Hell that is on the other side of those mountains.


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152 Reviews


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Reviews: 152

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Wed Aug 12, 2015 3:54 am
ChimeraMania says...



We all left yesterday, and are currently staying at a private military camp for the night, as we won't our new assigned base till tomorrow.

It may be just me but 'as we won't our new assigned,' you might want to clear that up. They won't ?? their new assigned base til tomorrow.

But I don't like that, not that I'm self-conscious about anything, I just. . . . I don't know, like knowing that if we're attacked, I'm at least wearing clothes.

HUH?? I get what you're saying, but that 'like knowing that if', you have that after the I don't know and to me it makes the sentence seem cluttered. Maybe take out the I don't know part and change knowing. Or maybe add what if on the 'we're attacked,' part. It just seems like it needs the what if part and can do better without the I don't know part. I mean. . . . I don't know, that's how I feel. The ends seems forced by the way, (that just popped into my head but the end does seemed forced, try smoothing it out.)

I think the second time you talk about Cent's eye color should be the only time. Although I like you way you have it, it's just a suggestion.

Bravo, Bravo *claps*
Still love it.






lol when he says the thing about his clothes, he's saying it in a joking way. Idk, the way I hear it in my head, it makes sense, but I may reword it. That part was actually not touched from the original draft haha
The same can be said about the end, it wasn't really touched because technically it wasn't all that bad. I did add a bit of information on the continental apocalypse and Great Uniting but other than that it didn't change much
Thanks hun
~Maddie



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43 Reviews


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Reviews: 43

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Sun Jun 28, 2015 2:17 pm
Love wrote a review...



Heyo ^^ Figured I might as well read some of your stories!! They seem really good, and I love the art :D So let's begin! ^_^

" Of to be vanished, " - that doesn't seem to make sense... Did you mean "off to vanish"?

"As of to a cake" - makes no sense either... Not sure what you meant ^^

Your use of ellipsis ("...") is questionable! ^_^ http://www.thepunctuationguide.com/ellipses.html This might be of use. Basically, ellipses should be generally written as ". . ." (not "..."). But that's only if they're at the middle of a sentence. If it's near the end, it should be "I don't know . . . ." (basically an ellipses (". . .") and then a full stop ("."). Looks like four dots because ". . ." + ".". If at the beginning after another sentence, it should be "I don't know. . . . But do you?" (see how the first dot is right after "know" without a space? It's basically a period, and THEN the ellipses. As in, "." + ". . ."). Hope that helps ^_^ A small detail, but marks out the professional writers XD

"on whatever it is I'm standing on" - good writing omits unnecessary words ^_^ That sentence could easily be "on whatever it is I'm standing".

" and soon myself spitting" - That was confusing... Maybe make it another sentence? It was unexpected there and sounds weird.

"probably to rid my mouth of dirt from my fall" - maybe 'the dirt'?

At this point I should mention that I'm not used to present tense... (yes, I just used "...", but I'm just lazy). So I might be picking out things simply because they sound weird to me but are fine with conventional present tense writing. So keep that in mind! :)

"It's now that I finally realize something very wrong" - that basically said you just realised something that's wrong (as in, not correct. Wrong realisation). Maybe "that's something very wrong" :)

Can't see? O.O I'd have though they would be fairly quick to realise that O_O The previous sentence makes it looks like, "Oh hey lookatthat, I just noticed I was blind for the last hour!" If that's intentional (maybe due to the confusion of the crash), perhaps this confusion should be emphasised ^_^

"that's in my side holder." - side holster?

"view finder, a kinda pointless action" - kinda is considered very informal. Could work, but doesn't seem right in the context.. Your choice :)

An example of wrong ellipses: "like an idiot?...". Should be "like an idiot . . . ?"

Okay... This got interesting... Someone seems to be controlling him for real O.O

OMG O.O "I must of dislocated it" - "Must of" is a horrible mistake. You meant Must've, short for "must have". Must of does not exist and makes no sense.

" sit and with all my might still in my right arm" - why did all your strength go into your one arm...

"And luckily, I feel the sensation of life come back " - you never mentioned that you lost it!

"making a few fists" - I think one fist per arm is enough, *thankyouverymuch*

"How I'm able to without sight" - maybe that should better be "How I'm able to do that without sight"!

Previously the character concluded that they must be controlled. Now they're evading things, which is a lot of evidence for that. "I must really be crazy." is just abandoning all the previous reasoning simply because it keeps getting more plausible... The main character seems silly .-.

" almost knocking off my shaky balance" - knocking me off, maybe?

"Kinda frantically" - whyy ;-; So it's kinda frantically... Not REALLY frantically, but kiiinda. Just a little. "Kinda a good joke.. But meh". "Kinda frantically... But it'll wait while I get coffee." It diminishes the impact of the words ^^

"Apparently the cots weren't designed to be slept on by guys over 6', as I'm 6'3" easy, maybe even 6'5"" - Maybe something like, "Apparently the cots weren't designed to be slept on by guys over 6' in height, and I am easily 6'3". Maybe even 6'5""

"our known Universe" - is Universe meant to be capitalised? It shouldn't be unless it's a redefinition of what it normally means.

The next part is an information dump... A history lesson? Not too bad as it's a little interesting, but maybe you can find a better way! :)

"I learned about the Noxcus' history, and our own, as well as some of our top allies" - did you learn about the allies? Or their history? If the former, learning about an ally could be someone just mentioning "hey, we've an ally called Antraxi". It doesn't imply much on its own ^^ If the latter, make it more clear!

"(Already knew it)" - "which I already knew" . . . ?

Also, what's up with the stars near the names :b Maybe just put the words in italics to show that they're not normal words and probably are defined ^^

"After that, with my passing the exam" - wrong... "with me passing"?

"They were recently discovered" - this can be interpreted as an archaeologist discovering a new kind of soldier in an excavation site. Maybe something like, "fabricated" or "invented"? If they were in fact discovered, supply details, as that seems exciting.

"since the gun was invented" - maybe "since the invention of guns"? The current form sounds weird...

" red head " - that means he is literally a big red head.... You probably meant "redhead".

"roughly 6 foot" - "roughly 6 feet tall"?

"I sigh and look up, meeting my reflection in my mirror above the sink." - an opportunity to describe a character in a reflection is reeeally cliche ^^

"I shave, being careful not to cut myself as Cent tries to carry a conversation with me as I do" - as I do what?

"I thought I was really blind" - that means the wrong thing... You probably meant "I really thought that I was blind". Maybe avoid using the word "really" that much ^^

"No...no." I trail. - it's common for there to be a comma at the end of a quotation like this, unless there's a reason to change that. Like, '"No . . . no," I trail.'


I think I'll give up at the grammar at this point... You can just extrapolate :b

Innovative way to introduce their ages though :D

OH GOD. "and your not talking." - you're***

I'd just like to comment on some of the technology... Why do people still shave? Wouldn't they be able to inject themselves with an artificially synthesised biological life form that would shut down facial hair growth? Think ahead! :D That's why I love sci fi.

*cringes at "to of been"*

"Colonel says, "I am honored to of been" Even the colonel can't spell that :(

" Today, you are walking into Gelus as a new and honored Gelus Base Soldier." - just the daily routine. You know. Nothing unusual. In case you forgot that you've been training for this day for a long time." (they'd probably know what they'll be doing today. Saying it like that makes it seem silly ^^)

Why is the US so prominent in this? It seems weird.

The poem at the end was well written though ^^

I liked the story overall :) The writing was... Not good in places... But writing is fixable. A story (in front of 30 other chapters) isn't! I liked the imagery near the end that pointed out the calm before the storm :) It's like a promise of danger real soon. Sorry if I was kinda harsh... Bad grammar makes me cry :( Not your fault :p And I'm fairly sure you've improved a lot since you wrote this. So hope I helped, and have a great day! ^_^






That moment when you just now see a review and you're happy because you're in the middle of rewriting thing that was reviewed lol
Wow you had a field day with this XD I'm glad you pointed out what you did, you helped me pick out some stuff I had missed Lol
I'm only saying this cause I saw you said something about synthesized bio stuff XD this future isn't as advanced as say, oh, Star Trek or Star Wars. I'm aware that I didn't go into major detail on either the continental apocalypse or the great uniting, but considering that there was already SO MUCH information dumped on the reader, I decided to save it for another day, and see how readers theorize it lol but I'll say now that instead of making great leaps I'm the future, we kinda took a Olympic jump backwards, and by the time it's Isugoro's time, they're only now getting ahead of present day.
I have fixed this up and I hope you'll check in to see the revised copy soon!
Thanks!
~Maddie



Love says...


Daww, glad I helped! ^_^





Yup, you can reread it now if you'd like lol XD



Love says...


:P You never give up! XD

"I was told once in the academy that some Noxcus have the ability to manipulate minds.

Oh, ok, so I'm not insane, I'm just weak. God dammit, I spent seven months in that special mind course for nothing if this is where it got me," - note on this... Why would he do a mind training thing if he only vaguely heard someone say anything about his opponents having mind control :3

But otherwise it's must improved! Some typos here and there, but reads easily (well, as easy as the present tense gets... o.o Great rewrite! :)



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Wed Nov 12, 2014 10:07 pm
cgirl1118 wrote a review...



LOVE, LOVE, LOVE THE COVER. HOLY.
It's just as good as the story. I'm really intrigued to see how this is going and who this girl is. Your writing is beautiful and all the tiny problems you made were already pointed out by others. Love how Cent and Goro both have nicknames that actually make sense. Sometimes there are those writers who just make up nicknames because they think it's cool. Definitely going to read the other chapters!
Keep up the awesomeness!






Thank you ^^



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Sun Jul 27, 2014 12:30 am
Azirah wrote a review...



I'll agree this is better than your other work, and it has most of what was missing in the other piece. I'm going to have to say I still have a few quibbles with it, though.

First of all, your prose in the beginning is noticeably weaker than the prose towards the end. Things like

I am sitting...

I then feel my hands come to my face...


These sentences are clunky, awkward, and stilted. It would be better if you could streamline them by going

I sat up

My hands touched my face


That way, the prose will read much smoother and easier than otherwise. Although prose should be distinct, it shouldn't get in the way of the story, which it did in the beginning. In action-packed scenes, you want the flow of the sentences to be quick and snappy, hard-hitting but barely there. I also feel like the reveal about his blindness was awkward and, although it wasn't exactly out of nowhere, it still didn't feel right. I don't think it's possible not to notice anything like that, so maybe you could provide an explanation as to why he thought it was normal he wasn't seeing anything at first. Something like in a war, the sounds fill his vision and he can't focus on seeing, he has to trust his other senses? I don't know, but it needs to be addressed.

Speaking of beginnings, I like the cover, but I'm not too fond of the italicized words by Tyler Mason. It's either a song or a book/poem, but the point is that you're relying on someone else's writing to set the mood. Don't sell yourself short (I skipped it for that reason). I want to read *your* writing, not the writing of Tyler. Set the mood on your own because it's your story, not his. If you can write a story, you can certainly set the mood for it on your own.

Another thing - I don't like dream sequences in the beginning of the first chapter. This is a YMMV thing, of course. Personally I feel like I got tricked, but other readers are probably fine with it.

The asterisks after the country/event names also struck me as annoying, but that's easily fixed. I feel like in the middle you went into heavy backstory though, and you have a tendency to talk down to the reader. It's not intentional, I think. It's more like you're concerned the reader might not get what you're trying to say, so you explain things that your writing already made clear. For example:

When we were young, I nicknamed him 'Leprechaun' cause he, well, basically is one, even though he's tall.

"Hey Mr. Leprechaun." I yawn.


It didn't need to be said that Goro nicknamed Cent Leprechaun, because the next sentence already implies it. I also feel like it's not really a must-know that this nickname started in their childhood: nicknames are nicknames, and no matter when given, they hold the same water. It's a sign of affection/close relationship, so I feel like the when matters less than the what.

The entire back story of Goro also seems too sudden and out of place. You could slip it in various parts of the story, not just lay it out all at once. Maybe while he looks at Colonel he remembers that other Colonel in his previous camp because of similar mannerisms/height/different way of going about things. Little parcels make the back story easier to digest than just laying it all out at once. It's not even too important yet - reveal information to the reader when it's time. Now is probably not the time.

On that note, you also seem to launch into overly long descriptive paragraphs. Try to parse descriptions into smaller deposits here and there. Maybe Cent flicks a a stray lock of red hair back, or Goro realizes his feet are cold because they're hanging off the edge of the bed. Stuff like that make it flow smoother as well.

I agree that the voice is better here, and this time it's more compelling. I think the world is fairly well thought-out, and the relationship between Cent and Goro is well-established. I feel like the flow could be improved though (especially the dialogue - I understand that's how dialogue is in real life, but although dialogue should be realistic it should try to cut down on the unimportant bits. Right now it's too long and it's a bit boring. You could actually condense it into a few sentences by cutting out a lot of the questions asked by Cent).

A final thought - I feel like the precision in terms of height is almost obsessive. Unless you're doing this on purpose, it's kind of strange. When you see someone on the road, you don't think, "Oh, she's 5'3"." You just think, "She's pretty short."

It's still your story, so it's your call. I hope I helped though.

-Azirah






Yay! You actually read it XD
Yeah, I agree with all you said. This is one of my oldest works (it's almost 2 years old), and I must say, it's very poorly written. Why I haven't fixed it yet is due to the fact that I want to finish the book before I edit, so that I can do it all at once, plus take all the advice I've been given (like your lovely input) and adjust issues and holes already popping up.

I wish you'll keep reading, the story and grammar get better as you read, the most recent chapter (chapter 14) uploaded only a month ago. And if you do, be sure to let me know what you think!

Thank you!
~Maddie



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Thu Jul 10, 2014 3:16 am
WillowPaw1 wrote a review...



Hi, there, here as requested.

Okay, so since you've already got 8 reviews, I can't offer much since everyone else has already covered it, but I'll just mention a few things anyways.

First and foremost, I absolutely [i] love [i] that cover! LOVE it! It's amazing. The colors are bright and pop out so well, and I like the font you chose for the 'Lapis'. Good pick! Also, one other thing, did you make it?

Also, I thought this was rather long, especially for an introduction. I heard somewhere prologues (an introduction is a prologue, I guess) that they are around half the length of a chapter, usually. I don't know how long your chapters are but they would probably be really long if you doubled this. Plus, most works posted on YWS don't tend to be long.

Anyways!

I liked your writing style, and there were a few funny bits here and there that I really enjoyed. :D

"No, it was more like an energy burst or something. But whatever it was it sent me flying into a wall."

"Ow, sounds painful."

"It was."


This part and the rest of the dialogue chunk was a bit confusing. I would probably suggest just to add a few dialogue tags, so the reader isn't having to go back and see who's sayin what (I had to do that in a published book about 3 times and it really bothered me). Just a small nitpick!


Sorry this review wasn't the best :3 Most stuff was just already covered by other reviewers.






LOL I'm glad you like the cover :)
I did not draw the cover, a friend of mine on dA did it for me as a gift.
But I am an artist, and I do have character designs -> LAPIS Character Designs
Yeah, it is rather long XD That's just how I seem to write. I believe the intro is as long as the 1st chapter, and so far, the 2nd chapter is the shortest that I can recall.

The writing style gets better as you read, this introduction itself was written a year and a half ago. Tags become clearer

I hope you keep reading :)



WillowPaw1 says...


Cool, I myself suck at drawing xD

And okay



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Mon Jul 07, 2014 3:38 pm
Deanie says...



That cover tho D:







Deanie says...


It's so good! I can't believe I didn't see it before ;)





LOL thanks ^^



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Wed Mar 19, 2014 9:53 pm
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Kale wrote a review...



Hello again, SereneSimpliciT! I'm here to review all the chapters, like I said I would.

Now, since you've had a ton of detailed reviews, I'm going to focus on something no one else seems to have mentioned: the cover image.

Honestly, I'm surprised no one even commented on it (that I could see) because that is a nice cover. Did you draw it yourself? If you did, that's even more awesome!

Now you're probably wondering why I'm spending so much time discussing your cover in a review when it isn't part of the text, and it all has to do with first impressions. A person's first impressions of a story often determines whether or not they'll continue reading, and the cover here gives a great first impression of your work. I was really excited to see the cover because, with how nice it is, it tells me, the reader, that you really care about this story and about making it the best it can be, and any story an author really cares about that much is worth reading.

So yes. First impression = nailed.

With that said, there are a few formatting issues that need to be addressed to maintain that awesome first impression. The poem wound up very spaced out, which makes it difficult to read. If you hit Shift and Enter in the editor at the end of a line, you'll be able to get a line break instead of a paragraph break, which means the lines of the poem will appear one after the other, properly. Fixing up the line spacing of the poem will really help keep this part looking polished.

Another thing to consider is a more substantial break between the poem and its attribution and the start of this segment. Right now, there isn't much of a distinct break between the two parts, so they blend in with each other in a pretty confusion fashion, especially since the lines of the poem and the Guro's thoughts are fully italicized lines. The fix for this is pretty simple: putting some sort of header between the poem and the start of the action will mark the transition and also make the start of the story itself much easier to locate.

One last thing: there were a few words that were homonyms of the correct ones. Two examples:

I then feel my hands come to my face, whipping at whatever grime I guess is left.

"Whipping" should be "wiping".

He looks over us, his small beety eyes picking out every man in the room

"Beety" should be "beady".

Be careful with these, as there were quite a lot of them scattered through this, especially "whip" instead of "wipe".






Lol the reason no one has commented on the cover is because it was only added recently XD
And no, I did not draw it. I'm on deviantART as well and one of my friends liked the pitch so much that he did the cover for free :) the other covers are my own drawings (The ones that have covers that is XD)
Thank god, someone finally brought up format, thanks so much! I've been trying to fix that for forever!
Can't wait to read more,
~Maddie



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Wed Jan 22, 2014 11:47 pm
PiesAreSquared says...



Thoroughly reviewed, this piece has been. No more to add here, I do.







ZLYF says...


Anything I wish to say about this piece has already been covered by other reviewers. I don't like repeating advice as I feel that is counterproductive in most cases, so other than embracing the fact that this is a great start to the story I really can't say anything new of worth.



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Sat Oct 12, 2013 5:37 am
EloquentDragon wrote a review...



First of all, sorry that this was so long in coming. It turned into quite a monster, and took me a couple of hours to get her done. (No, I did not forget you.)

Second, my apologies before hand if a lot of this seems really harsh. By no means was it intentional. It’s 11:30, and school can drive your benign nature out the window, not to mention your ability to edit. Heh.

Anyway, notes, comments, opinions, facts, and other stuff you shouldn’t take to seriously contained in the spoilers below:

Spoiler! :
Scorched and charred.
-Tyler Mason's "The World's End"


So while you may feel that this poem encapsulates the mood of your piece, I’m just going to offer a brief warning about copyright. Posting this on YWS as-is is fine, but if you’re looking into eventual publication, you’ll have to get the writer’s permission.

But the main issue here is that I started reading the poem, felt that it was a great way to start things off, was really starting to enjoy it when… I found out that you weren’t the one who wrote it. Personally, that would make me feel (as a reader) almost cheated, and I would discredit your abilities as an author. But that’s just my opinion. I know who love when they find their favorite quotes/verses/poems at the start of a book (at least, I think they like them) but I usually notice that authors tend to pick older, more common (and in the public domain) material. Just make absolutely sure before you add this, that you should be adding it.

"Everyone...duck and cover!"

What?...What has happened?...

"Do not retreat...repeat, DO NOT RETREAT!"

Why would I retreat?...Is there a logical reason to do so?...

"Have no mercy for that being!...Shoot damn it!"


Ahem…

I’m going to be harsh here. No caps. Use dialogue tags. Making this vague to try and make things suspenseful is not effective. The reader has no connection to the protagonist, so they don’t care about them yet. Connection, connection, connection. “hooking” the reader isn’t about shocking them… its about pulling them in. Giving them something fresh and interesting and immediate to them. This is too sudden, too fragmented, too disconnected. As a result, it’s melodramatic:

"It was a dark and stormy night;”

I’m sure you’ve heard of this guy and his infamous opening… just try to avoid sacrificing clarity and immediacy for, well, excitement. Because it won’t be exciting.

I'm standing on, whether it be the actual ground or one of the hyper-gravitational transportation ports.


[Grammar Nazi nitpick moment]
So uh… which one is it? Ground or transportation port? (Not to mention, what exactly IS a “hyper-gravitational transportation port?” Taking the literal meaning of the words you chose to use here, that simply means: The entry way/platform to a means of transportation which utilizes a freakin’ ton of gravity.”) Oh, and it’s “lose,” not “loose.”

Try: the Anti-gravity Transporter port I’m standing on.

Which leads me to this: always try to be concise. Use simple phraseology. Don’t “try” to sound intelligent, because it will be obvious that you are “trying,” and it will seem contrived. Unless, of course (since this is in first-person,) the view-point character is intelligent, which gives you a bit more liberty in regards to vocabulary. If that’s the case though, you need to pay a lot more attention to context and the way words fit into sentences. Otherwise it will sound incorrect, not intelligent.

and it's determined now that I am indeed on Earth, as dirt and rubble is what I feel and taste.


eh…. What? Maybe you meant “and it determines (confirms) that I am indeed on earth, because I can feel and taste the dirt and rubble.”

I can sense myself trying to prop up my body, using my arms


Er… I know that you’re probably trying to get a tone of “detachment” here, but I don’t think it worked out too well here. “Detachment” doesn’t come from indirectly referring to your own actions (“I could sense myself”… huh? Are they a robot?) but by vagueness, or apathy. (That’s my opinion, anyway.)

“My body moves to push myself up automatically, I barely notice using my arms.”

Still hashed, but at least it conveys the intention more succinctly there. ;)

against something, my best guess an overturned air rover, as I can feel the tank's familiar edges,


Bad way to translate the exposition here… “my best guess?” Why not just be more direct? Also, try and be more descriptive here. This is a world we’ve never seen before, you need to give us more sensory details. Show, don’t tell.

“Against the metal hull of a shredded air craft... my hand brushed against a sharp edge of the busted fuel tank.”

more dominate as the their low rumble follows.


“as” is being used repeatedly here. It’s as if there are no other clauses to use, as conjunctions between sentences, as ties to strings of thought. As I sit here reading this, I can’t help but feel as if I’m getting slight annoyed.

“their low rumble more (aggressive, concentrated).” (Yes, rumble is repeated.)

I feel as if I've been thrown into an orchestra's percussion section,


Just from the perspective I get from the setting… would the protagonist have any way to relate to this? Would they know what an orchestra even was? (Thinking about this logically, it’s after the apocalypse and what not.) Be careful of using modern clichés and expressions out of context… its anachronistic.

whipping at whatever grime I guess is left. It's now that I finally realize something very wrong.

I can't see.


1. Wiping, not “whipping”

2. I don’t know why you’ve chosen to use “I guess” as one of the mannerisms of this character’s speech. It doesn’t fit with the mood or setting. Usually you want strong, active, confident characters for action pieces like this. Now “I guess” doesn’t actually make your character come across as being unconfident or weak… it makes them sound very much like a modern teenager who relies on crutches in their manner of speech. Try to stay in character, and try to keep that character consistent to the story’s world.

3. So, I think I understand why you were using “I sense” and “I feel” and “I guess” all along up to this point. Problem is, it doesn’t come across that way. Explaining this takes a while (it has to do with the details you pick and the way you describe things) so I’ve given you some suggested revisions. Also, adding in “I’m blind” at the end of things isn’t dramatic… it’s contrived. Things would be a lot more suspenseful if you establish right off the bat that they can’t see.

I can feel Something slams into my back, I lose my balance on whatever it is I'm standing on, whether it be the actual ground or one of the hyper-gravitational transportation ports. and fly off the Transporter port. The ground meets me suddenly, and it's determined now that I am indeed on Earth, as dirt and rubble is what I feel and taste. confirming that I am indeed on earth as I feel dirt and rubble grinding into my face. I can sense myself trying to prop up my body, using my arms, but I'm failing. I must be weak, but why? I can’t see. I grope around in the dirt, trying to push myself up. But my arms give out. Why do I feel so weak?
I finally manage to pull myself up, crawling fast to rest against something, my best guess an overturned air rover, as I can feel the tank's familiar edges, and soon myself spitting, probably to rid my mouth of dirt from my fall. (This whole section here is revised for believability.) I crawl as fast as possible until my hand brushed against the sharp edge of shredded metal. The thing is hollow, I determine it to be an aircraft hull by feeling about. I lean against the tank. The smell of fuel and the taste of blood overwhelm me, and I try to spit out the grit in my mouth. (poetic license here… you could do so much with description. ;) ) The deafening roar of the AA-12 Converts and AER 21s blast my ears, they must be nearby. The vibration of the launching Web Missiles becoming more dominate as the their low rumble follows. The ground shakes from the vibration of the Web missiles as they crash into it. (Missiles don’t generally rumble when they’re in the air.) I feel as if I've been thrown into an orchestra's percussion section, (already covered this) I’m thrown under the drumming sounds that morph into a repetitive beat. The pounding assaults my head again, and again, and again. releasing a large low eruption of sound waves that overthrow all others. The sound drowns out everything else.
"Kill it!"
Why do you want me to?...What has it done to deserve death?(what??? This should be a line of dialogue, not internal monologue, unless you mean…)
I don’t understand. Why do they want me dead? What have I done?
I then feel my hands come to my face, whipping at whatever grime I guess is left. It's now that I finally realize something very wrong.
I can't see.

I rub my hands across my face, trying to wipe away the grime. I open my eyes and blink, trying to clear the dust. But something is wrong. My vision won’t clear. It’s a blank, black void.

I still can’t see.


Things I tried to change:

1. Make things more immediate. Give us a sense of things happening in the now. (“I slam into the ground” as opposed to “the ground slams into me” or “I am slamming into the ground.”)

2. More description! Round out this world, use all (four) of their senses. Feel, taste, smell, sound… and not just what it is they encounter, but what each of these things are like. What does gunpowder smell like? Blood taste like? Beware of overdoing it, but sensory description goes a long way in the way of making a world come to life.

3. Simplify. I shortened a lot of the sentences. Combined things, eliminated things. Consistency is key.

4. Beware of redundancy. This is mostly a matter of reading over this thing and doing a simple edit. I know there’s a lot of material here. I have a personal motto of never submitting anything on its first draft. It saves yourself and your reviewers a lot of time, and saves effort that would have been potentially wasted otherwise.

Of all things that can happen to a soldier, this is probably one of the worst. Not being able to see means that you have no idea when air attacks are coming, or attacks period. You won't be able to fire at anyone, or anything, considering you won't be able to aim or even find your target. And most severe, you won't know when you've become a target.


Well, um… obviously. My advice here would be to cut this out entirely. You’re telling, not showing. Instead, I would recommend trying to capture that sense of dread and terror that would inevitably come from being blinded in the middle of a battle. Make it specific, show, don’t tell.

I should stay hidden, at least til the fighting has gone so that I can survive.


Italics, please. This is inner monologue.

But my body doesn't obey my sane thinking, as I feel my hand go for my own XM8 E Rifle that's in my side holder. I try to stop my actions, but it seems another is controlling me, as I set the rounds in the magazine and turn, resting some of it's weight on the rover as I seem to look through the view finder, a kinda pointless action. Then, without fail, my hand grips the receiver and the other the hand guard, my index finger going for the trigger, a popping noise soon sounding as I feel the recoil against my shoulder. After a moment, I stop, and stand, holding my rifle upright still as I feel my seem run around the rover towards what I know will soon be my death.


Hmmmmmmmmm

Okay. Fortunately (or is that unfortunately?) I know guns. Own and love em,’ actually. I’ll spare you technical details, but the action here should read something more like this:

But my body won’t obey my rational (sane) line of thinking. My hand reaches for my rifle on its own, as if being controlled by some external force. I take the XM8 ER (“r” stands for rifle… no clue what “e” stands for.) from its sling, (don’t know about holsters {not “holders} for rifles) and load (not “set”) the magazine. I turn around and steady myself against the metal shell, automatically aiming through the scope, even though I know it’s pointless. Without hesitating, my hand finds the familiar grip of the stock (what’s a receiver?) and my finger slides for the trigger.

A split-second later and the rifle slams into my shoulder. My ears ring as I regain my balance from the recoil. (“popping?” did he dislocate his shoulder or something?) I crouch back down, holding my rifle upright. It took less than five seconds to shoot, but I knew that it would probably soon lead to my fast-approaching death. (More realistic to what he should (and I use that term lightly) be doing in this situation.)


Although, I do wonder why he did ANY of that, considering that firing while blind would mean more harm than help. (What if he hit a comrade?) Not to mention he just drew attention to himself. What if he hit a wing of that metal aircraft at point blank? Etc. etc. etc. I’m just trying to figure out why he’s blind.

I know...I know I should get back, but hey, aren't I doing what you ask by advancing like an idiot?...I was told to not retreat...


Why is he being sarcastic in a life or death situation… in his inner monologue. (Maybe this guy has a grim sense of humor, which would make him super interesting, but you need some work here to pull it off effectively.)

What the hell? Since when do I care about someone? And 'her'?...Who is the girl I'm talking about?


“Since when do I care about someone?” Just killed reader sympathy. And who is this vague and fragmented “someone?” Plus a myriad of grammatical mistakes.

What the… Who the hell was “her?” And why did I care about “her?” Who was I even shouting about?


Whoa, whoa, what?!...I'm trying to save a Noxcus?!...Alright, that's it, dude, whoever you are, just shoot me, I'm gone, I've gone insane...

With that, my stride quickens to a pace much faster then before, and I hear the man's voice fading into the distance as I advance further. I'm apparently just asking to get killed out here, aren't I? And for what? Oh yeah, some girl who I don't even know. And to top it off, she's a Noxcus, the sworn enemy to us.

not to mention it sent quite a bill to my parents! If I do survive, I'll have to go and try to pay them back for at least trying to help me out here.


Try to avoid caps and exclamation marks… AT ALL COSTS!!! Also, I think this would be funnier if written like:

“And that shit was hard too. Damn it, still owed my parents. Dad, Mom… They always supported me. I never got a chance to give them something back. If my body survives being run around by this Noxcus, I’ll have to do something for them. Buy them matching sweaters, or something.”

With that, I am once again hit by a force, though this time I feel my feet leave the ground, throwing me into what might be a wall.


Make him the active well, uh actor instead of the recipient of the action. “With that, some unknown force slams into me once again, and I feel my feet leave the ground from the impact. I fly through the air before crashing into what can only be described as a steel wall.”

I whip my mouth, blood probably dripping. I can see myself now, my blonde hair matted by drying blood, my once 20/20 blue eyes now either shot out or just blinded for no known reason, my uniform is probably stained and tattered, the padding cracked in some places, and my data shades are probably missing as well.


Why is he taking the time to describe himself… in the middle of a freakin’ battle!?

1. Don’t ever have a character describe their own appearance in first person. Ever. Do you know anyone who has inner monologues involving self-description? Yeah. (Well, there are some clever ways to get across a general description without being obvious but… never mind. Just don’t ever do it. It’s bad, very bad.)

2. It’s “wipe” not “whip”

3. If his eyes have been shot out, he would probably be feeling some sort of sensation of pain.

4. If you must have a physical description in there somewhere, for Pete’s sake DON’T put it in the prologue!!! We don’t need to know that stuff right away, it’s not relevant or crucial, and it’s distracting.

Without warning, everything changes. I'm upright, sitting in my cot, in a cold sweat.


Nooooooooo!

Starting things off with a dream sequence is, well… generally a bad way to start things off. (And I was just getting really into the story too! Argh!) It’s like cheating. It’s contrived, and it makes the reader say “Oh, well dang. If they had to throw in a dream/action sequence cause the beginning’s too boring to start out with, then why read the story at all?” (At least, that’s what I say when I come across stuff like this.)

This is a really cool section here. Super intense and all, but I’m going to recommend that you cut it out. Either that or make it more “dream-like” to give us a hint that this stuff isn’t actually going down. But better than that start things off with an immediate, direct real-life problem. That is the best, most interesting, most effective way to get readers interested and to keep them interested.

I've been having dreams about war, and other military problems Vesperia has been having lately. Since 2994, Vesperia*, and the neighboring country of Earth, Orienus*…
The Base is very well known for it's high caliber soldiers, advancing technology, and one thing that no other does.


Show, don’t tell. Exposition should be buried. Maybe you could convey all this with a conversation he has with another character? Basically, assume he’s talking out loud to himself the entire time. Don’t have him say anything to himself that he wouldn’t obviously say to himself. This entire section could be eliminated. Only add information that is ABSOLUTELY (and be brutal here, I mean absolutely) necessary to the events of the story now. Do we need to know all this? No. We don’t. We have already surmised (from the dream) that a., this is the future, b., has something to do with war and fighting and c., robot/aliens/psychics known as Noxcus. That’s pretty much the essentials. Now we want to know why he’s having these nightmares. We want to get to the heart of the matter. The rest of all that stuff can be revealed later, in increments. Use character action and description, cleverly and subtly, to mask the exposition.

Show, don’t tell.

Apparently these soldiers are stronger, and actually have powers.


Uh… what? Maybe you meant “supernatural” powers.

I'm being shaken.


No how matter how many times I see this thrown around, it’s still incredibly awkward. Did he drift off to sleep again? If so, just have the dude punch him or kick him or something more violent and less disturbing.

He's a red head with brown eyes, pale freckled skin, and a normal build. He's shorter then me, roughly 6 foot. When we were young, I nicknamed him 'Leprechaun' cause he, well, basically is one, even though he's tall.

"Hey Mr. Leprechaun." I yawn.


So, probably, the only thing that needs to be described about Cent is his red hair since that’s his most striking feature. And don’t just say “He has red hair,” try and hint at it. (See my previous notes on character description.) Also, the “Leprechaun” thing is really weird. We have a friend that we call a Hobbit, but we’re not in the military. The military tends to be more formal, or so I’ve been told. They might have nicknames, I don’t know, but “leprechaun” seems too trite for the situation. Also, refer to my earlier notes about cultural references. This is 2929, would they even know what a leprechaun was by then?

I take off my shirt as I stand, throwing it into the basket of dirty clothes I keep beside my bed which I clean once every other day. Unlike back at home, we have only a few articles of clothing, those of which are necessary, being three or four T-shirts if lucky, two pairs of shorts, 2 pairs of long pants, one insulated for cold, one more like dress pants, our long sleeve squad shirt, one thick jacket, one coat, our tool vest, then two pairs of boots. The only other thing we have are our dressy uniforms that we wear on special occasions. I usually just wear one of my T-shirts and shorts to sleep in, while others just sleep in their boxers. But I don't like that, not that I'm self-conscious about anything, I just...I don't know, like knowing that if we're attacked, I'm at least wearing clothes. I sigh and look up, meeting my reflection in my mirror above the sink. My hair is a bit messy, and my blue eyes seem a bit puffy for some reason, though it'll pass.


A tour of the barracks is fine, but I’m guessing that the reader could seriously care less about his laundry or wardrobe. If it’s not necessary to the story. Don’t put it in. This whole section here could be cut and you would lose essentially nothing. Not to mention it’s a bit odd. Not to mention guys don’t usually care too much about their clothes, especially in the military (it’s probably more like two uniforms, all the gear stored out in the lockers, and some laundry dude to do the laundry.) Not to mention you’ve already stated that he has blonde hair and blue eyes (although you’re going to cut both of these sections out, right? Mirrors are terrible offenders. This here isn’t too glaringly obvious though, you can probably get away with it.)

"No...no." I trail.


There were a host of grammatical problems in the paragraph that precedes this here, but this was particularly bugging. “I trail off.”

That's right, we share a room.


Most guys in the barracks share a room.

Isugoro


For someone who is familiar with Japanese, this name is distracting. I’ve never heard of it (it sounds “fakey”). Why not just use “Izuguru?” or even “Izugara?” (Actually, Iisugoro might work (which would then be Ii-SU-go-ro, not isu-go-ro)

And wait a minute… wasn’t his name actually Jintez? (From the dream sequence.) Unless that’s his last name. *shrugs* (If that is his last name… ah forget it. I have no idea what I’m trying to say here. I was confused for a moment.)

That aside, I’m still wondering why the only two Earthen languages that survived were English and Japanese. I’d like to see how that would have worked out logistically. Otherwise it seems sort of unrealistic. (To me, anyway.)

Also, Cent is an awesome name.

"Since we were seven."

"Yes sir, seven, meaning how many years now?"

"Thirteen, but still-"


While I say to bury exposition, it shouldn’t be this obvious. Is there a way that you can hint at their ages instead of stating them like this? (Plus it involves math… even worse! Well, for me that is.)

BTW, I love that conversation they have about his dream.

We scamper quickly to the cafeteria to make it just in time to sit with our friends at the table before the Colonel walks in. He looks over us, his small beety eyes picking out every man in the room, scavenging to see if anyone is missing as he walks over to the stand.


I’m trying to wrap my head around a military guy using the word “scamper.” (Not to mention his friend flirts with female members?)

*beady, not “beety”

Also, what is the stand? The food stand? The newspaper stand? (Did you mean podium? Although they don’t usually have those in mess halls.)

Our military take a lot from them, and the knowledge of the ancient country of the United States has spread worlds wide... Since, war has been little, only a few uprisings here and there in the past few centuries.


Ah, not this again! No! (Refer to my earlier notes on relevant information. Avoid info dumps like these. That whole section could probably be eliminated without harming anything.

"Alright Men. Today…”


Why is he briefing them in the mess hall? This isn’t some guerilla troops, this is the Vesperian Military, try to keep things realistic. If the way everything works is vastly different than the way ours works, than that IS some information that will need to be explained, as quickly and clearly as possible, early to keep readers from discrediting your groundedness in reality.

I look over my shoulder at the rising Sun.


Sun isn’t capitalized. Also, you should probably mention that they’re outside now a bit sooner. So it doesn’t seem so sudden and all. (Oh yeah, that’s just the “mess” then, not the “cafeteria.”)


So overall, this shows a lot of potential. You’ve got a rounded story world fleshed out here, and everything flows nicely.

My biggest bits of advice:

1. More direct action and description, show don’t tell.

2. Check your facts (research), try and keep things realistic/believable

3. Cut unnecessary exposition.

4. Give this a revision (draft 2) or at least a good run-over before posting.

Besides that, this has got a pretty high page count for two scenes: a dream and eating. Personally, although the interaction between him and Cent is interesting, is there a way where you can jump right in on the action? Maybe start them out in a training scene or something. This is good, but it drags. Give us immediacy, these are the first few pages after all. Generally, some sort of problem needs to be established by page three, or readers are not going to care.

Hope you could find something of help out of all that.
Keep it up
~ED






Wow, I actually cracked up at the rewrite of the thought about the parents and the matching sweaters. I died, please let me use that XD

Wow, that was probably the most thorough of all my reviews. I'm humbled by the knowledge that you took so much time to do this for me, I really appreciate this.

In all, I actually agree with basically everything you pointed out. I'm aware that I'm still learning and that LAPIS is a very detailed and hard undertaking for someone my age, but with the help of people like you, hopefully I will be able to achieve publication one day :D
I have much that I want to show through LAPIS, so I hope you continue to help with your reviews

Thank you so much!
~Maddie





Sure, free of use. Glad you liked it.

I took a lot longer than I probably should have, but take what I said (mainly about believability and description) and apply that to your other chapters. A lot of this is universal. Glad I could help.





Hopefully you'll read more, it's been almost a year since I originally wrote this, so maybe some of my newer work will show improvement and more to work on ^^



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Mon Sep 23, 2013 8:36 pm
Deanie wrote a review...



Hey there :)

I'm just here to give a brief review of this introduction, because you've gotten some great feedback here already. Basically I'm just passing through so I can get to reading some of your later chapters, but I wanted to know the background story. I can tell you, so far so good.

I'm not going into technical details because it looks like it's all been handled. My only advice here is to loosen up a bit. I think you write exceptionally well and you've got some great imagery. My main problem comes across as I read this. For some reason your whole story has a rough feel to it, like it still needs a bit more smoothing out before it can be read nicely. I'm not quite sure how to explain this, but I think the sentences and/or the paragraphs aren't quite linking together naturally. Something makes this story seem disjointed, not together. I think if you make the narrators voice stronger and the use of first person it could help. I think I'm explaining this terribly so let me give you an example.

Colonel grins, setting his arm down, allowing us to sit, and start our meal. I hear Cent and the others talk giddily around me, talking about some girl Cent had gotten the attention of the other day during training. I look over my shoulder at the rising Sun. (The view is spectacular, with the yellow light reaching across the sky to meet us. Sometimes I can see the light stretching around our valley beside the ...) mountains, right outside the Summan* Territory, where Gelus is located in the heart of. The peaks look high and majestic as their snow caps reflect the rays of light. Pine trees line the skyline, and I can see birds flying above. Everything here seems peaceful, hiding the Hell that is on the other side of those mountains.

Now, you see in the middle there I just tweaked it a bit, and used the view to link the story up a bit more with the rest of it. So it seemed to all flow together. Too often I'm seeing sentence changes in a paragraph that don't quite match. Check my subtle difference there and see if you understand. If you still don't and you want me to give it another shot at an explanation, just hit my wall with a message or catch me in chat. Happy to help. And in the coming days I'll get on with the rest of the chapters, yeah?

Deanie x






Huh, that's a new one XD
Well, part of the reason may be is that I'm still very bad with description. That I will admit off the bat, and this is due to the fact that I am a Manga artist XD I usually don't have to describe cause usually you can just see it LOL

But yeah, I did like your take actually, I may actually change that paragraph so it looks more like yours if ya don't mind XD

Other than that, I guess I should say that as the story goes on, it'll probably begin to flow better, though with keeping with the idea that this story is being told by a 20 year old guy, it may be spazzing a bit on purpose so not to lose that quality of...guyness...that's not even a real word XD

Thanks again, and I can't wait to see what else you have to say!
~Maddie



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Fri Sep 20, 2013 7:05 pm
JayBlu wrote a review...



Dude, this was exceptionally good writing. I suck at grammar so I'm not even going to try to give opinions on that. I would probably tell you wrong anyways.

But anyways, I wanted to just talk about the story-line like I usually do. I gotta say Isugoro is pretty decently thought out, Cent seems colorful, and this mysterious woman who is "associated" with the barbaric Noxcus, intrigued me to the fact this might turn into a personal vendetta if she is killed and Isugoro can't save her. Well, if that happens to happen in the future, depending on what you write of course.

I gotta say though I really enjoyed this. I will be reading more of course. Something I rarely say

Later






Yay! :D

I'm glad you enjoyed this. I hope to hear more from you in the future concerning this story ^^
~Maddie



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Fri Sep 20, 2013 6:32 pm
BluesClues wrote a review...



Blue (finally) here with a review as requested! Sorry for the wait. I've been hella busy and, in my spare time, largely unmotivated.

Anyway! I see you've got some pretty long reviews from other people on here, and I don't want to give you a repeat of what others have said. So I want to focus on one specific thing at the beginning.

I understand that your narrating MC has gone blind, presumably from an explosion or something, and that at the beginning he's just coming around after being knocked unconscious. And it would appear that he has a bit of memory loss, as he can't remember who they're fighting or who the "her" is that he doesn't want to kill. Which is fine.

But! Even a blind person, even a person with memory loss--and even, or maybe even *especially,* in a dream--is going to be more or less aware of what they're doing with their bodies. There's a particular part of your brain that lets you know without looking, for example, whether you're sitting up or lying down, if your right leg is crossed over your left, if you're tapping your foot.

See, at the beginning you have a lot of what I would call "speculative language," such as this:

"to loose my balance on whatever it is I'm standing on" (loose should be lose, also)
"and soon myself spitting, probably to rid my mouth of dirt from my fall."

So my problem with this kind of thing--I understand that with the first one you're trying, by speculating on whether it's "Earth" or one of your futuristic things, to clue us in a bit on the setting, but you do that so much later on that it's unnecessary here--is that the character--like, it's okay that the character doesn't know precisely what's going on, that the character is somewhat disoriented, that the character can't SEE. But even in this situation, the character should at least be aware of his own body. Like if you're spitting, that's a voluntary action usually, not involuntary, so you're not spitting "probably" to rid the dirt from your mouth, but just "to rid my mouth of dirt."

It's basically just a lot of extra language that gets in the way of the character's sensory information, and thus the reader's information. Which, especially as in this scene, because we don't have any kind of information about what's going on OTHER than what your MC can feel/taste/smell/hear, is particularly important. Plus, if you can cut the unnecessary words and language and really get your sentences to be precise--that works a lot better with a big actiony scene than long sentences with a lot of speculation, which detract from the excitement.

Also, as an added thought, if an explosion did render him blind, well, normally an explosion would cause temporary deafness so you may want to explore that. But since it was just a dream, he doesn't have to have gone temporarily deaf as well or instead, because dreams don't always make sense.

(Then again, this particular dream is so realistic, and the MC actually doesn't realize it's a dream at all, and it's much more vivid than a normal dream--so maybe he should at least wonder why he can still hear, or something, so that it doesn't seem unrealistic because he'll think something like, "Why can I still hear?" and then later we realize it was a dream, so then it's okay that he could hear.)

In addition, just a warning, but many editors and agents don't like it when a story starts off with tons of action that turns out to have just been a dream. Some readers don't, either; they feel cheated because all that action turned out to not really exist at all. I don't know what your plans are for this piece, and of course not everyone dislikes dream-sequence beginnings, but it's just something to be aware of.

Blue






I am aware that some people don't like the action first, drama later idea, I'm one of those people personally actually. I wanted to start off with a bang cause as this is a war type story, which I've never done before, so in honesty, this was mostly for readers, but partly for myself so to set up a way of writing action sequences LOL
Thank you for that information about the blindness situation, I was not aware of that *I need to relook at my research it seems*
I will definitely take that into consideration! Thank you!

I Hope you will read more ^^
~Maddie



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Sun Aug 25, 2013 7:00 am
thewriterinside wrote a review...



Hey there! Rosie here for a review, as requested.

I personally am not a fan of war stories, for reasons I cannot post on here. I really like the idea behind this; the mix of war and supernatural entities. It gives it a brand new spin that is very interesting. Just be careful to not make it too much like Avatar, though (the blue people, not the airbenders).

Throughout the story, I was confused. What are these people, and do they have any special abilities? What is their world like, and why are they fighting the war? You described bits and pieces of the world, but ultimately I felt like I was being tossed into the middle of it without any explanation at all.

I've been having dreams about war, and other military problems Vesperia has been having lately. Since 2994, Vesperia, and the neighboring country of Earth, Orienus, has been at War with the Noxcus, one of the most powerful Terrestrial Societies in our known Universe. Many of the Societies are peaceful and are ruled by kind beings, though there are a few that are ruthless and are power hungry, which the Noxcus happens to be. And they made it very apparent in the Plannis Massacre of 2995, in which a squad of 5 Noxcus ships attacked the peaceful Plannis Valley at the heart of Vesperia, killing over 2,000 innocent civilians in their bloody raid. This enraged the Vesperian and Orien Vivrex's, who together with our many Terrestrial Allies, sought the ruler of the Noxcus to learn why they did so. And in one sentence, the Noxus leader, who they apparently call the 'Regerus', launched a war.


During this paragraph, I found myself constantly asking what the heck everything meant. It's too confusing, and it felt like I just had a truckload of information dumped on me.

The dream sequence was great. It was very vivid, and you did a great job describing your character's experience even though they were blind.

All in all, great job, and good luck with your work.






That is what you're supposed to feel like actually XD
As we are all aware, 20 year old guys aren't exactly the most straightforward people, and can be confusing. It's written like this to make you understand as much as Isugoro does, which in actuality, he doesn't really know all that much. He just knows statistics. That, and he's actually quite understanding of the Plannis Massacre, if you continue, be sure to remember that.

Also, I will take the blame for some of this, because on the site I originally posted this on, I also put a Dictionary, and basically all of the things that you're probably confused about are described in that dictionary. I was going to upload it last night, but apparently Review Day, nothing is allowed to be uploaded.

I hope you continue and read the story further, most, if not all, will be explained as the story progresses, and it will become clearer, as Isugoro gets more aware, so does the audience.

Thank you!
~Maddie



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Sat Aug 24, 2013 9:51 am
ArcticMonkey wrote a review...



Hi Serene! Here to review as asked, sorry it's taken me a while.

Okay so what I really loved about this piece was more to do with the first half and how it jumps straight into the action. I think this is something that's actually really hard to do because you don't have time to explain things, however it all seemed to make sense here (some bits a tad confusing) but overall the beginning was amazing! Then to find out it was all a dream I was like whuuttt, but that's a good thing because you made it feels so real. The most realistic dream I've read in story I'd say. Also, I think the whole idea of this story is good and definitely leaves me wanting to read more, well done!

Of all things that can happen to a soldier, this is probably one of the worst.

I didn't really like this sentence because it's kind of stating the obvious, and it then goes on top explain why but I'm pretty sure it's the sorts of things a reader would grasp anyway, so I wouldn't really include it in such detail if I were you.

resting some of it's its weight on the rover as I seem to look through the view finder,

it's should be its as it's possessive, it's is short for 'it is'.

Then, without fail, my hand grips the receiver and the other the hand guard, my index finger going for the trigger, a popping noise soon sounding as I feel the recoil against my shoulder.

I'm picking out this sentence but there were a couple of others where I thought they just contained too many commas and it just makes it a bit wordy and long to read. I suggest just breaking it down into two sentences, or using connectives to join in together rather than having so many commas.

Even though I love how you jumped straight into the action, there are a couple of problems with this which is actually quite hard to avoid. I mean it all made sense, but a lot of the time I wasn't really sure what was actually going on, and more why it was happening. I know you then later on in the chapter explain some of it, but I still don't think it's enough. Okay so I'll just point out one thing here which is the Noxcus, I had no idea what that was to begin with, later on in the chapter you explain it. However when it's explained it's in one great big paragraph so I think you should have some of what the Noxcus are in the dream part, and then go into more detail afterwards.

A quick point to add in here is that the dream part is all really action-based and you've described everything well, but to be all technical now I noticed that all the sentences used were pretty long. Sometimes I found myself losing focus when reading it and I think it's because of that. Remember when writing action scenes you should try and also use shorter sentences, it makes it more abrupt and frantic to read- it would feel shorter to the reader. Save the longer sentences for later on when you have to describe things. I'm not saying replace all the sentences with shorter ones, but add in a few more or break down the ones you have now to give it more variation.

He's the only one I trust with the information, and I am the type that likes to share something that is bugging me

I think generally you were really good at showing not telling, but here was something which I thought could be changed a bit. Rather than saying he's the type that likes to share what's bugging him, try and show it through the way he talks. I think a strong point of this piece is that you were really good at showing what the characters were like through their dialogue, so I think you could add in this to it also. Perhaps he can't wait to see Cent to tell him these things. Or it's the first thing on his mind etc.

Overall though, I really did like this! In all honesty I looked at the length and though 'oh no', but this proved to be a really good read and I'd love to read some more! I think a slight issue with this though is that it goes from being REALLY action packed to much slower and it kind of lost my attention when I was reading after the ream part. So just remember it's great that you've included these details about characters and stuff, but they're not all needed in the first chapter and can be spread out a bit more, because it's quite a lot to talk it at the moment. Anyways, I hope this review helped. Feel free to PM me with any questions you have or if you'd like another review on anything.

Keep writing!
~ArcticMonkey x






Wow, I never thought about the length of the sentences before, I'll have to remember that for later on.

As for most of the rest, I come also from a manga background, and sometimes it is harder to explain some of the more obvious things cause in a manga setting, I'd usually just show it an expression of some sort LOL I know that must sound like a really stupid excuse, but I will get better!

And the Noxcus...yeah, I know that should of been explained better. I guess when I first wrote this (I wrote this about 7 months ago), I wanted to give the Noxcus more of a mysterious feel, and focus more on Isugoro and his struggle of trying to figure out what is happening. It also doesn't help that on the original site I published this on (deviantART), I also put a dictionary, which explains what some of these things are. (Can I upload that here?)

But, now that I know more (hopefully), I think I should at least have maybe one interaction with a Noxcus soldier.

My stuff is just gonna get longer, the 6th chapter alone is about 8000-10000 words (I didn't originally mean to do that XD) but most stay around the 5000 word mark, so just stay with me XD

I hope you'll critique the actual first chapter (this is the intro XD) and I can't wait to see, thanks!
~Maddie



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Thu Aug 22, 2013 10:01 pm
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Valkyrie17 wrote a review...



Wow, this is ridiculously good! I can't seem to find anything wrong with this amazing piece, sorry if this review isn't that helpful. :D

I am only able to spot two little mistakes with this piece an here they are,

"They're studying a new type of soldier that he's recently read about." Who is 'he' in this sentence? Is it meant to be the MC Goro? If so you need to switch 'he's' to 'I' or something appropriate.

"I spent three years learning that was needed to be known..." I understand what you are trying to say here but 'that' doesn't fit well with this sentence. You could either switch it to 'what' or change the sentence to say 'that which was needed to be known...' instead.

Other than that this was a seemingly flawless piece! You have something great here and I hope you are able to publish this at some point. The pace of this is perfect and your movement between scenes is perfect.

Beginning this with a quote is a really nice idea although I think it would have been better if it was a recent quote of the time period in this story, if that makes sense? If you could came up with your own meaningful quote for an introduction I think the beginning would be a lot more powerful.

After your quote we were thrown straight into the action and the premonition (I think that is the correct term). It was beautifully done and, as a reader, I am excited to get to this point in the story. Will it be anytime soon or near the end of the story?

Overall, this is an outstanding beginning and I am excited to read more from you. How are you not already a published writer? :D I am blown away by the detail here and I just know this is going to go on to be an awesome tale.

Keep up the good work! ~ Valkyrie






Oh crap, I never noticed those before!

Thank you for pointing those out, I'll change that quickly

I've always liked the poem, personally because I like to link certain pieces to other types of literature, this time being a poem, but in the future I may change it, who knows

This won't actually appear in the story, it's more of a representation of what will happen, such as the blue light, that actually presents another character that you will meet in the first chapter. Though don't get me wrong, there will be battles and such that do occur, and are much deeper in the future. Don't even be surprised if there is one near the end that does sound like this one, cause I probably will base the final battle off of this one. I'm glad you like, and I hope you'll read more :D




This is the way the world ends, not with a bang but a whimper.
— T.S. Eliot