Death...
A vile fellow is he, visiting those both great and small, good and bad, we all come to the same end. He comes to visit, but is not a welcome guest, as I have learned today. He comes, and steals the part of our being that makes us alive, and never returns it. Many know what suffering death can cause, but it only causes the suffering of the living. The living must live on in mourning, and the dead are at peace. Our time will come, that is the only certain thing about life, that it ends.
But what if this were not to be? What if we lived on forever without injury or illness? What if everyone in the world was this way? We'd be in more misery than whence we had started. Living on, never resting, never knowing what might happen. Wars would go on causing much discomfort in families, strife would rule the land, and since none would die, more would be born but with no one to replace. There would be no certainty of what was to come, no respite from the issues that make up humanity.
But what if there was no life? If there was no life, there would be no death. No one would ever live, or die, none of our everyday issues would exist. But our universe would be a boring place, nothing to characterize it except rocks and volcanoes. But then again, no one would care because no one would exist.
I think we're better off the way we are, with life and death. Even though it hurts when death touches you or a friend, it's all for the better.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,773 Reviews
I could not agree more, Kelpies.
Oh look at me I forgot that I wrote this XD. Thanks for the support!
Hello! KatyaElefant here for another review! Happy Review Day! Let's see what we have here!
First off, I remember seeing this in your other piece and I am happy that you published this separately because it is such a wonderful piece! A problem that I found with this was that this was placed in the scripts area, when it should be a short story. If you feel like it is too short to be a short story, then you could put it in the others area. Also the organization could use some help. For example where you put but in the start of a paragraph, that is totally unnecessary. And and but are used to combine sentences and not start them.
Your imagery is amazing. I could see this right there, right now. Your spelling and grammar is fine by me! I don't see any problems. Your metaphors and similes work very well right here and I would agree with you on all of this. I think that you had this as one block paragraph and then you make them into paragraphs and so the transitions are a bit off. Though, you do a better job about them than me. The theme you chose it great. It's always fun to talk about this type of stuff. People are always interested in what writers have to say about it. All in all, great job! Have a nice review day! Keep calm and keep writing!
by Team Rocket.
Fiery Salutations
Umm, you do realise that this is a short story, and not a script? Because you classified it as a script, it counts as a script, but I shall review it as a short story. (Even though this review will count as a review for a script. Weird, do you not agree?)
This is a very deep and philosophical short story. I must also admit that I agree with it absolutely.
A truer word from anything other than a religious text I have rarely ever read. Death differentiates not between anyone or anything, as you so adequately stated. Our bodies will decay and return to dust, but our memory, that can live on. It is why we must ensure that we have a legacy.
That is why so many people say that you must cherish every moment. I could die within the next few seconds, and so could you, as well as anyone else.
I know not whether you are a Christian or not, and please do not find this offensive if you are of a different belief, but I agree wholeheartedly with the Lord: It is good that Adam and Eve only ate of the Tree of Good and Evil, and not of the Tree of Eternal Life as well.
I could not agree more.
I am surprised by the maturity of this text, especially since it is written by someone as young as yourself. I take my hat off to you. If everyone else in the world took these wisdoms to heart, the world would be an infinitely better place.
by Team Rocket.
Hey, Kelpies! Happy Ultimate Pokemon Awesomeness Review Day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I totally agree with you here. I always wished I would live forever, but then the world would be way too crowded, and the earth would be a ghost "town" if we all didn't exist. I also agree with the last sentence. You're amazing, Kelpies, but Team Plasma for the win!
Hello, Kelpies!
I'm... not sure why this is posted as a script? It's not in script formatting, and it seems to be in the wrong category. Perhaps it's just an idea for a script? I honestly don't know.
So, I'll critique what I have to work with.
This seems to be a very intriguing idea, though it's lacking substance, and it would definitely stand to have more of a story behind it - as of now, it's simply a list of questions and answers, with an opinion at the end. You could probably put an idea behind this with a few characters and make it into something of a philosophical short film or something much like it, but that's always up to you. You do bring a few interesting ideas into this, namely the misery that humankind would experience if no one were to die, and the utter indifference of the universe if no one were to live, and I think that those could hold some substance on their own should you turn this into a story of sorts.
As it is, though, you have little but your own opinion on a page, and I honestly think you should look into writing something for this, so you can show YWS what you come up with in order to portray this confusion and relief when a conclusion is reached. I believe that something brilliant could come out of this, but right now that potential is dampened by the fact that nothing has actually been written but a series of questions with your personal conclusion.
Hey there! Scarlet here, as you know It's review day.
You know what that means, time to review!
Nitpicks first...
- After you finish a sentence, you only need one space, not two. I know it's a small nitpick but it was driving me nuts. Example;
- Okay, small problem with this. It's a weak ending and I think it could be put to rest with a little more elegance. Maybe read over it and put a finishing touch on the ending. Something like...
-Something like that.
You did a great job, my dads sending me to bed so I gotta scram pretty quick.
Keep writing!
Sincerely, Scarlet; Member of #0000BF ">Team Aqua!
clubs/1983 - #0000FF ">Team Aqua Headquarters
Hi Kelpies! I'm here to review your piece!
should be "He comes, steals the part of our being that makes us alive, and never returns it."Grammar/Wording:
You've put a lot of extra commas or "ands" in this piece, so you may want to take a second look to edit some out (especially in the first paragraph).
For example
Suggestions:
If you're personifying "Death" or making it a person by referring to it as "him" and "he" then when you use the word death alone it should probably be capitalized because you're making it a proper noun. However this isn't like a hard a fast rule and is more your choice; you could read some analysis on "John Donne's Holy Sonnets" if you wanted more information about personifying Death. I think you should read his poem "Death be not Proud" because it reminds me a little bit of your piece.
These two lines seem a bit redundant/repetitive There's no need to repeat the thing that without life there isn't death twice.
Be careful with your language... If you're going to have extremely formal language such as "whence" and "discomfort" and "strife" then you cannot add in casual language because it kills the tone/impression. Some causal words I saw were "boring" and contractions like "it's" and "We'd".
Content/Overall Impressions:
I really like the sentence I fell like I've heard people say this before, but I do like the way you phrase it.
For the most part I feel like I can understand what you're saying but this line does not make any sense First of all some would disagree with you there because there'd still be aliens in the universe without humans, and I surely think that rocks and volcanoes do not characterize our universe because every universe has rocks in the form of stars! If you meant our planet we're more characterized by our fresh water oceans and atmosphere because other planets do indeed have rocks and even volcanoes.
I really liked your closing sentences, they summed up your piece nicely. Good job and good luck in future writing!
Hope my Review was helpful.
Hi there Kelpies!
Firstly, I think that this is not meant to be in the Scripts forum as it obviously isn't a script! Let me know where you meant to post it and I can move it for you
I think there are some nice and wise thoughts here that really do ring true! I agree that we're probably better off like this, since it would be quite chaotic and crowded to have no deaths at all, no matter how sad they make us.
This doesn't exactly seem like a story (maybe it could be a prologue though), but it's a bit short to be an essay. Perhaps you could extend your ideas a bit, depending on where you want to go with this!
I thought I'd say a few words about punctuation. It's quite a trivial thing and professional writers have editors and spell-checkers to mind these things, but it's really worth it to know a few tricks yourself! In the beginning, you have sentences like:
Here, you shouldn't have commas before "but" and "and", since what comes after are not main clauses. Main clauses should have a subject as well as a verb, but because "but is not a welcome guest" doesn't have a subject (as "is not" refers to "he" from earlier), the comma should be removed. However, you've done it correctly as well! For example:
These are perfectly valid examples, so you do know how to do it! In the first one, "it" is the required subject, and in the second one it's "the dead".
I hope this helped!
Demeter
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