Young Writers Society

Hello.

What you have here is a pile of words that have landed in a sensical configuration, but while it is readable with a story there is a general lack of consistency here.

Firstly, rhyme. If you're going to do a rhyming poem, then please keep it as a rhyming poem. If it is meant to be free-verse, avoid rhymes. Right now you go for long stretches of both, with break/fake/take, stay/say/okay, say/someday, grave/save/stayed, cried/hide, and a few oddball lines here and there, and the opening is pretty much free verse.

Rhyme appearing out of nowhere and vanishing jars readers out of poems. They expect a certain flow, and when you change the structure without a pattern then you lose flow. This, in turn, makes the poem look far more chaotic than it needs to.

Pick a structure and stick with it.

Secondly, these lines are stock. What I mean by that is there's nothing really new about them, and it feels like you grabbed them because they're there and easy to grab. You've not really developed the narrator, developed any specific situations outside of the most generic of events, used any imagery, or really any other ways to richen up this poem.

I'd figure this out past the surface gloss of an abusive relationship. Who's the abused? Who's the abuser? Yes they all have similar behaviours across the board, but the nuances of events are different for each person. You can also ground this to something real, outside of abstract wonderings which tend to be more generic than anything.

Overall, I think you're trying for something but fall short. Keep writing poems and try tying them to something, making them deeper than the surface, something that isn't grabbing the first ideas and lines that come to mind for awhile.

Hope this helps. Let me know if you have any questions or comments.

~Rosey

Hello,
This was a very good poem. The words flowed nicely and your vocabulary was great. Just a few things I would like to suggest.
First off, you need to separate your works into stanzas. It's a somewhat long piece, so there needs to be a way to separate it into parts. Also, try a more determined rhyme scheme. You seem to have just a few rhyming lines all over the poem.
A few grammatical corrections:
"But your running out of bones to break"
You're instead of your
That's all you might want to correct.
Overall, this was a very well-written piece. Keep up the great work!
Your reviewer,
Aqua

Hello.
Kanome here with a review for you.

All I can say is I feel really down right now from this poem.
It sounds like you got this from the Investigation Discovery channel or something.

Nitpicks:
- I think these few lines should be revised. I don't know why, but it didn't make sense to me.

For what though...for your amusement?

So that you can watch my suffering,

For the a crime you accuse me of,

And I haven't committed.

This review courtesy of