Heya sugar, pretzelsing here for a review. I am coming back to this since you have four longer and one very short review, so I thought that you could need some advice
The hall was quiet , and Rofulo didn't follow him. The king knew when he had won. Obi wasn't there to see the queen come out of the shadows.
I have a question, why would Rofulo follow him,sugar? What reason is there for him to do that? I don't understand why you put that there and so I would strikeout it. Also, another minor thing, I understand that it was early morning. Why would Obi even expect to see the Queen coming out of the shadows. I mean, didn't even she need her beauty sleep?;)
Why had he told the chauffeur to leave? Wishful thinking probably.
Okay so the second sentence quoted here,is a fragment that I would change to be into a complete sentence. What if you wrote: "It was probably wishful thinking."
Or you could write anything else that you creatively came up with.
He hesitated a moment before untying his robe, and one more before he took it off.
Was he untying two knots or two robes? I think that you should make that very clear, to avoid a readers/reviewers confusion here.
“Wait!” she cried, and he flinched as the word echoed off the walls. It was one thing to be seen
Oh,so sugar, I think that you didn't finish this last sentence of this quote, even though you intended to. I am not sure what you mean by it :/ Maybe just add a phrase to complete this sentence.
He saw each figure in her eyes and the fine blonde hair playing in the wind.
Each figure of what? Or her history, her regret and shame?I don't really understand what you mean by this, so maybe you could elaborate more.
The part of town he was in was good enough for him not to worry too much about what would be waiting for him.
Umm, I think that this sentence is weirdly phrased and you have a lot of things that you are trying to say here. I actually had to read this like three times and then stop and think about it for the meaning to finally register into my brain. Anyways, I would either space this out or make it more readable. Here are just some suggestion:
"He was walking in a good enough part of town, so he knew that he didn't have to worry too much about what would be waiting for him."
"Obi didn't really have to worry that much what awaited him, since he was walking in a known part of town."
Those are just two of my personal suggestions so you could give or take
They dragged[to] the ground,[.]butHe imagined (that), in the few blissfully cool moments of morning, she was a little chilly in her bed clothes.
So I think that you could alternate that sentence/quote above ^^ because for me personally the phrase "but he imagined" was kind of thrown in the open middle and just didn't really need to stick out so much.Do you see what I mean, sugar?
Refusal sat on his lips and swung its legs. It poked its head out a looked around.
What is the "it" that poked it's head around. Refusal or the princess? <,< Also because it's is a possessive noun for head, you need to put in an apostrophe s.
Okay so now I want to comment on the story line itself. Ooh, Obi is helping another person and taking her under his wing: Princess Ihyna. This thickens the plot and makes things even more complicated since he is also supposed to be helping Lekan. I like it <,<. What I would like to see more is her reason for leaving. I mean apparently I would assume that she doesn't like her life here and maybe she is even treated horribly but what reason is that to want to leave royalty/richness?'
Also threatening the guard, paying him off, and telling him some stupid excuse is a weird combination of things that Obi did. He was actually clever enough to realize that a slip of the tongue from this guard could put his and Princess Ihyna's life in danger.I think though that he could have been a little bit less harsh and maybe still kept up the pretense/act,if you see what I mean sugar.
I am sssssso glad that Obi actually hesitated and almost regretted making this decision to help Princess Ihyna. I think that it is very realistic though, and I think that any person would experience. Why would Princess Ihyna come to him with this problem? I mean she knows that Obi doesn't like how the King rules his palace and the whole land.My real question is: Does Obi have any gain from this? I mean what does he get from helping this Princess except maybe endangering his family's and himself's life?
Just like Deanie said, I would like to have some more information about Ihyna. Is she going to be a MC(main character) that appears a lot or will be just be a side-character that just get's mentioned once in a while? I guess I will just have to find out. Also how old is she? And then at the end, why did she take Obi's robes and still leave them on? I mean what if someone caught/questioned her? That wouldn't look good for anyone. :/
Anyways, that's if from me sugar. I truly hope that this review helps you improve your writing, but I have to say that I adore this chapter <33 because it was sssssso well-written and I really liked to see the softer-side give-in of Obi Can't wait to read and review the next chapter.
KEEP ON WRITING!
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Reviews: 346
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