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The Veil - Chapter 10 Part 3

by megsug


The hall was quiet , and Rofulo didn't follow him. The king knew when he had won. Obi wasn't there to see the queen come out of the shadows. He was half way to the door when Qui burst in, muttering under her breath, "It takes an act of the gods to get in this place." She saw him then. Their eyes met for a moment and then slid away as if she didn't recognize him. He followed her cue and hurried out the door.

He was down the stairs and halfway towards the curb when he realized his car was gone.

He sighed heavily. Why had he told the chauffeur to leave? Wishful thinking probably. The shorter his meetings with royalty, the better. He hesitated a moment before untying his robe, and one more before he took it off. There would probably be talk of stiff Obi Eshe walking around town in his bed clothes, but he was far past caring. He was coming to realize court life was far more tiresome than he remembered, and it was beginning to disgust him. If he could ensure that Lekan would be safe and find a way for Conya to be comfortable for life, he would leave, and he'd never come back. He'd go somewhere with an ocean and regular rains. He wanted to experience a winter. He'd still never seen a snow. That was a damned shame. A grown man should have already seen snow once, he reasoned though most of his friends had never seen snow either.

The short drive was proving a much longer walk. He looked back at the palace and saw it was depressingly close. He also noticed a shadow slip into the bushes. Keeping the same pace, he stayed calm. In fact, he embraced the tingle of excitement that he'd gone too long without. He thought that civilian life would be relaxing, and it had been at first. After a few months though, he had gotten jumpy, waiting for a disaster. It was nice to have a little jump of adrenaline.

Rofulo had just recruited him for spy work, so it definitely wasn’t an assassin sent by him. Pen-di and the other noble rebels could possibly have an incredibly efficient network, but they weren’t really organized enough for that yet. Perhaps Rofulo was keeping tabs on him. This would not do. He casually turned down a side street. The part of town he was in was good enough for him not to worry too much about what would be waiting for him. The street had minimal cover. If the tail was a good one, this ploy wouldn’t do much, but if it was a poor one, Obi would be able to recognize him in the future. He refused to be watched all day.

He had passed four nice town homes that poorer nobles were still sleeping in before he turned. A little girl in a white nightgown turned the corner and froze when she saw him. Confusion hit with a bit of disappointment. There would be no dodging and weaving today. He was at a loss as far as what he should do, so he just turned as if he hadn’t seen anything at all and continued walking. The slap of bare feet on cobble stones followed.

“Wait!” she cried, and he flinched as the word echoed off the walls. It was one thing to be seen

Turning sharply again, he studied her as she came to a stop in front of him. Her face was scrunched up as she gasped for air, bent over at the waist, but when she looked up, he saw spirit in dark blue eyes and in the fists clenching her nightgown. He recognized her now. He remembered leaning over to Sefu when they had sat in a pew watching her walk down the aisle that they weren’t watching a wedding but a sacrifice. His assassin was young Princess Ihynu, married to the fourth prince. She had been living in the palace as a smiling garnish at balls and events for months now.

Her history was written in the silence between them. He saw each figure in her eyes and the fine blonde hair playing in the wind. She had been born beautiful and clever and had remained an only child through some trick of fate. She’d learned etiquette quickly and had been trotted out like a show pony for parties to be cooed over by overpowered women and overstarched men. Spoiled and praised, she developed a will of her own that was never tamed. Perhaps the family had fallen on hard times. Maybe her father was just a greedy bastard. Either way, she had been sold to the highest bidder and given away, like a calf.

He blinked down at her, keeping his face straight. It would do him no favors to show he pitied her. It would either invite anger or a plea for help. He was in no mindset to deal with either. She was now breathing at a more normal pace, but she had yet to break the silence. “I assume you didn’t just run down after me for the fun of it?” he asked, smothering a smile when she wrinkled her nose at his stuffy words. She almost looked disappointed.

“I need help, and…” She swallowed, wringing her hands. “I think you can help me.” She fidgeted as he stared down at her.

Raising an eyebrow, he gestured for her to walk with him and put his ceremonial robes around her. They dragged the ground, but he imagined, in the few blissfully cool moments of morning, she was a little chilly in her bed clothes. “Help you with what?” he prodded when quiet again fell upon the pair.

Eyes bright with tears he could tell she was trying to keep at bay, she tried to speak but failed the first two times when her words wavered. She stared down at the bright pattern of his robes and muttered, so soft and quick he could barely hear, “I will die if I don’t get out of there.” Her head turned as if she could see the palace through the houses. “I know you don’t like them.” Looking up again, her face was set in stubborn lines as if her will power could keep the desperation that was whitening her lips from revealing itself.

She wasn’t old enough for that yet, Obi thought as he gifted her with a smile that did indeed hold a trace of pity. It was hard to say no to eyes like hers. Agreeing to help though was a terrible idea. it would involve risk his family couldn’t afford, planning he didn’t have time for, energy only a younger man had. It was another way to rise against Rofulo.

A tear tracked its way down her cheek. He, apparently, wasn’t old enough to keep his thoughts from roaming across his face either.

Crouching to her level, he cupped her cheek. “Little one…” Refusal sat on his lips and swung its legs. It poked its head out a looked around. “I will try my hardest to get you away, but I need you to not let anyone know. I need you to start the act now. Are you lost, dear?”

She sniffed, and more tears fell as she nodded.

Smart girl. He patted her shoulder in approval and stood, groaning as his knees protested. “There you go. It may take me a while to get you safely. I you ever need to leave immediately, send me a message asking about flowers. You’ll send it to my home.” He bowed. “Princess Ihynu, I am your servant.” Taking her hand, he turned around. “Let’s take you back.” A little voice warned him he’d regret this, trusting a child with something that could get him beheaded all too easily.

He brushed it away, whistling.

A giggle on her lips, she beamed up at him, her tears drying.

Ruffling her hair, he warned her, “Keep crying. We’ll have to put on a good show for the guard. If you flutter them right, those baby blues will do you wonders.”

The guard stared at Ihyna when she came up the stairs to the door. “What happened?” he asked, his face holding a panicked grimace. He opened the door and watched her go inside, his eyes wide.

Obi slapped several gold coins in his palm. “Nothing happened. If anyone asks, she was looking for a treat in the kitchen.” He looked into the speechless guard’s eyes. “If anyone asks me about what Princess Ihyna was doing out so early in the morning, I’ll find you, and you won’t like it.” He was walking down the steps before the guard could reply. He only noticed Ihyna had taken his robes when he was half way home.


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Sun Mar 29, 2015 2:40 am
Pretzelstick wrote a review...



Heya sugar, pretzelsing here for a review. I am coming back to this since you have four longer and one very short review, so I thought that you could need some advice ;)

The hall was quiet , and Rofulo didn't follow him. The king knew when he had won. Obi wasn't there to see the queen come out of the shadows.


I have a question, why would Rofulo follow him,sugar? What reason is there for him to do that? I don't understand why you put that there and so I would strikeout it. Also, another minor thing, I understand that it was early morning. Why would Obi even expect to see the Queen coming out of the shadows. I mean, didn't even she need her beauty sleep?;)

Why had he told the chauffeur to leave? Wishful thinking probably.


Okay so the second sentence quoted here,is a fragment that I would change to be into a complete sentence. What if you wrote: "It was probably wishful thinking."
Or you could write anything else that you creatively came up with.

He hesitated a moment before untying his robe, and one more before he took it off.


Was he untying two knots or two robes? I think that you should make that very clear, to avoid a readers/reviewers confusion here.

“Wait!” she cried, and he flinched as the word echoed off the walls. It was one thing to be seen


Oh,so sugar, I think that you didn't finish this last sentence of this quote, even though you intended to. I am not sure what you mean by it :/ Maybe just add a phrase to complete this sentence.

He saw each figure in her eyes and the fine blonde hair playing in the wind.


Each figure of what? Or her history, her regret and shame?I don't really understand what you mean by this, so maybe you could elaborate more.

The part of town he was in was good enough for him not to worry too much about what would be waiting for him.


Umm, I think that this sentence is weirdly phrased and you have a lot of things that you are trying to say here. I actually had to read this like three times and then stop and think about it for the meaning to finally register into my brain. Anyways, I would either space this out or make it more readable. Here are just some suggestion:

"He was walking in a good enough part of town, so he knew that he didn't have to worry too much about what would be waiting for him."

"Obi didn't really have to worry that much what awaited him, since he was walking in a known part of town."

Those are just two of my personal suggestions so you could give or take ;)


They dragged[to] the ground,[.]but He imagined (that), in the few blissfully cool moments of morning, she was a little chilly in her bed clothes.


So I think that you could alternate that sentence/quote above ^^ because for me personally the phrase "but he imagined" was kind of thrown in the open middle and just didn't really need to stick out so much.Do you see what I mean, sugar?

Refusal sat on his lips and swung its legs. It poked its head out a looked around.


What is the "it" that poked it's head around. Refusal or the princess? <,< Also because it's is a possessive noun for head, you need to put in an apostrophe s.

Okay so now I want to comment on the story line itself. Ooh, Obi is helping another person and taking her under his wing: Princess Ihyna. This thickens the plot and makes things even more complicated since he is also supposed to be helping Lekan. I like it <,<. What I would like to see more is her reason for leaving. I mean apparently I would assume that she doesn't like her life here and maybe she is even treated horribly but what reason is that to want to leave royalty/richness?'

Also threatening the guard, paying him off, and telling him some stupid excuse is a weird combination of things that Obi did. He was actually clever enough to realize that a slip of the tongue from this guard could put his and Princess Ihyna's life in danger.I think though that he could have been a little bit less harsh and maybe still kept up the pretense/act,if you see what I mean sugar.

I am sssssso glad that Obi actually hesitated and almost regretted making this decision to help Princess Ihyna. I think that it is very realistic though, and I think that any person would experience. Why would Princess Ihyna come to him with this problem? I mean she knows that Obi doesn't like how the King rules his palace and the whole land.My real question is: Does Obi have any gain from this? I mean what does he get from helping this Princess except maybe endangering his family's and himself's life?

Just like Deanie said, I would like to have some more information about Ihyna. Is she going to be a MC(main character) that appears a lot or will be just be a side-character that just get's mentioned once in a while? I guess I will just have to find out. Also how old is she? And then at the end, why did she take Obi's robes and still leave them on? I mean what if someone caught/questioned her? That wouldn't look good for anyone. :/

Anyways, that's if from me sugar. I truly hope that this review helps you improve your writing, but I have to say that I adore this chapter <33 because it was sssssso well-written and I really liked to see the softer-side give-in of Obi ;) Can't wait to read and review the next chapter.

KEEP ON WRITING!

HAPPY REVIEW DAY!

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Sun Aug 10, 2014 2:59 am
Noelle wrote a review...



Hi there!

The hall was quiet , and Rofulo didn't follow him.

Of course Rofulo didn't follow him. Why would the king follow out a citizen? It just seems a bit strange that it's important that Rofulo doesn't follow Obi out of the room.

He looked back at the palace and saw it was depressingly close.

So I understand what you're trying to say with this sentence. I just think maybe you could've worded it a bit differently. Saying that it's close implies that Obi is walking towards the palace. But you want to let us know that he is walking away from the palace. Instead you could say something about how the palace wasn't getting any farther away in his gaze.

I have to say, I'm quite impressed by how Qui handles herself. She's not supposed to know Obi from Adam and does a great job pretending that she doesn't. She's a smart girl who knows how to get people what they want. I like her.

So, this chapter yields to many interesting things. First off, we notice how much Obi's life has changed over the past few...months maybe? I forget exactly when he left the court life. I must not have been paying much attention. Anyway, it's interesting to see here how different he is than all the other people who are in/have been in the court life. I gain some more respect for him for telling his chauffeur to head back if he wasn't out in a certain amount of time. Sure he's regretting telling him that now, but he's still okay with walking home by himself. Any other man in the court life would've "thrown a fit" I'm sure. Or at least called for someone else to come pick him up. Obi has class.

We also learn that Obi and his friends aren't the only ones who want to get rid of the king. Even those part of the court life, Princess Ihyna in this case, are questioning the way things are run. She came to Obi to ask for help. That shows a lot about her character as well as Obi's character. Obi is trustworthy enough and known throughout the land that he would be the one she went after. It's all very interesting.

I'm looking forward to seeing where the rest of this story goes! Somehow I don't think Obi's plan with Qui is going to go perfectly smooth until it's all fixed. There has to be some kind of roadbump there, right? Should be interesting to see.

Keep writing!
**Noelle**




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Wed Jul 16, 2014 1:59 am
Snowery wrote a review...



Megsy!! Hey :) I promised I'd be here before the next review day and I'm keeping it :D

His assassin was young Princess Ihynu,



So is she a princess by marriage? To one of Rufolo's sons?


I will try my hardest to get you away,



I think it would be good if you put in a little more hesitation before he wholeheartedly agrees. Just a smidgen.

Well, as usual I find it hard to really say anything negative about your individual chapters. I'm not too sure why :/ this only happens with your story. I guess that should be a good thing right? XD I'm loving Obi at the moment, he's so adorable, like a big grizly, teddy bear. XD As always, I llove your humour, I'm always smiling throughout your chapters and it makes them such a pleasure to read. Keep it up and happy writing! :D :D

Silverlock




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Mon Jun 30, 2014 5:12 am
Deanie wrote a review...



Hey there Megsug!

Finally, I am all caught up ;) It's been nothing but a joy to read this, and really, you've done a splendid job with it yourself. So many different plotlines that all connect and run with each other, what with the rebellion, the king demanding information, Conya and her previous husband, Lekan and Qui, as well as the new one with the Princess now too. I can't wait to see where this is all going, and well, I'm just sitting here waiting for more.

He'd still never seen a snow.


You don't need the 'a' in this sentence. And ooh, this seems like the perfect time to elaborate a bit more on the city. How it's always hot and (I'm curious to know if people visit there or not? Is it distant or close to other lands. All we really know about is the one their in, but I feel like the King should/will mention other ones as well, seeing as he just wants to expand his powers.) Also, as Silverlock said before, I am wondering why we all hate the king. He seems to have done nothing but manipulation yet, although that is a bad enough thing in itself.

Hm, at first you say Obi feels the court work is tiresome, and he didn't even want to join in the rebellion. But now he is relishing in the kick of this whole having-a-spy business? It feels like a pretty big change of attitude. Maybe have him ponder how although he feels so old and tired, all this drama (whatever it is called) is awakening him again. He's so bored with the civilian life, it's too easy. He wants a challenge, something that will push the boundaries of his mind. Show us the transition of this in his thoughts and his reasoning as to why he feels this way, so it doesn't seem like an abrupt change of attitude.

It was one thing to be seen


Er... the sentence kind of suddenly ends there even though you can tell it's not the end ^^ Maybe go back and edit this?

He remembered leaning over to Sefu when they had sat in a pew watching her walk down the aisle that they weren’t watching a wedding but a sacrifice.


This was a confusing sentence just because of the way you put it. My suggestion: He remembered leaning over to Sefu when they had sat in a pew watching her walk down the aisle. It wasn't like watching a wedding, but more so a sacrifice.

Also, maybe mention a specific age when it comes to the princess? I feel like she is fifteen, maybe younger, but I can't be sure. I want you to put your finger on it somewhere so we can know...

I was wondering why they didn't keep up the pretense that she got lost for the guard? Might've been more effective than just paying him off, and maybe they should do both so he has a reason if anyone saw the princess strolling down the streets with Obi. I'm sure they would recognize her, if anything.

That's really all I have to say! Loving this, and keep at it. Let me know on my wall or something whenever you post the next chapter, so I can keep reading!

Deanie x




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Sun Jun 29, 2014 9:47 am
ConfusedGlasses wrote a review...



Heyya! So I'm not gonna drag this. I haven't read the previous chapters and I can't tell you I will. But I'll review this all the same. This chapter is sort of slow going. But, I like it. And I really like all the names. They have nice ring to them. I couldn't find anything I wanna complain about in here so that's an added bonus. Congratulations! And keep writing!




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Sun Jun 29, 2014 2:17 am
Kanome wrote a review...



Hello.
Kanome here with a review for you.

Well, I personally like this chapter.
Even though I don't really know what it's about, I believe you have made a great story so far.
I believe if I read the beginning, I will truly understand this.

I don't see any grammar or content errors in this.
My only advice is to keep up the great work.

P.S I like how you describe your characters in this story. It shows a lot of imagery, and that's a good thing for you and for your readers.





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