Whether it was a rainy day
or a snowy evening,
You would stand watching the sunset;
Waiting for her return.
Waiting;
Waiting.
You didn't know her name;
Her age; Her past.
Yet you chose to judge her,
To let her go.
Now you stand, staring, with marvelous wonder
As the twilight falls,
in the sea of the dark night,
And rises, by the serenity of a new morning.
Gazing beyond the truth,
You don't seem to realise that
Her return is non-existent,
No chance for a small goodbye.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,804 Reviews
Hey there and happy review day! Purple here to give you a review! Let's get to it.
I like the subtle theme of this poem, allowing for these characters to have a vague backstory and letting the reader imagine whoever they might prefer. Your wording is nice, almost childlike but not in an immature way. The diction makes everything seem dreamily distant from the rest of the world, and separate from a specific fixation on two people that have important identities. Words like "gazing","serenity","twilight", etc.
Now for some of the nitpick-y stuff.
Although the tone seems intended to be dreamy and sweetly executed, it's quite rude to the person waiting for this girl to return. I always love not pinning any pronouns down to specified people, but with no given identity of the boy (I assume) we as the reader have no reason to agree with the author in their blunt distaste toward them. Some particular phrases I would change: "Her age; Her past;" I would put a period after past, or else it's become a run-on sentence held together with commas and semicolons.
"Yet you were stupid enough to judge her,
To let her go." I would edit this to be "Yet you chose to judge her,
To let her go."... because this fits the short but definitely-not-sweet tone that this is trying to portray.
"Now you stand, staring, in marvellous wonder" I would either say staring 'with' marvellous wonder or change the phrase completely. For example, "Now you're left to stare in marvellous wonder" or something like that.
To wrap up, I did like this poem. It doesn't give a clear cut story which can be lovable and hateable in many aspects; but, I can see what you intended. The author wants to make a point to the other person that they lost something worthwhile and should feel guilty or regret. This poem in particular didn't really resonate with me because of the vagueness toward why the reader should dislike the person this is directed at..but I'm sure if you wrote something of this nature again it would improve greatly!
Happy reviewing!
~Purple
Thank you. I could see where you were coming from in this review and it did help me a lot.
Hello.
Kanome here with a review for you.
I enjoyed this poem very much.
It's interesting and simple to read.
Time for nitpicks: (Just one though...)
I admit, I am a bit weird when it comes to commas. So I apologize in advance.
Okay, I believe there should be a comma in this line. When you place commas, it's usually a pause, to give the story or poem more effect.
Overall, this was a really great piece. I can't wait to read more of your poetry. You are really good at this. Better than me, as of matter of fact. c:
Keep up the good work.
Thank you a lot!!
Greetings LemisaLeaZeor!
You spelled the "marvelous with two l's, which is unfortunate, as this is a very nice piece.
I'm going to keep this review short and sweet (or if you don't like sweet, insert your own flavour)
This is a very interesting poem. It reminds me of myself a few years ago when I let someone go because I judged them by their actions. Your vocabulary and grammar are satisfactory, but there is unfortunately one spelling mistake.
I like the way you use the sun and the moon and the weather to describe the person in the poem's emotions. That is a very handy technique you used.
A very well executed piece which was a pleasure to read. I therefore rate this piece 7.5 out of ten. Continue writing, my friend.
Sincerely,
The Wandering Wizard
Thank you, I'll change the spelling mistake now.