Bond of Memories (Chapter 1)

A/N: Hello! I wrote this piece of work when I was eight or so. So, relax, my grammar is not that horrible... I hope you guys enjoy this, and -if you would like-, I have made nine other chapters. Yup! That's right! Nine others! Granted, two of them I wrote this year (however, that was before I joined this amazing website). If you guys want me to continue this story, writing and posting more, then review! Review, review, review! (Please note I have not editted this)

Chapter 1

After 9 Months in a dark warm Place, he opens his eyes and he sees a woman With red hair and vibrant green eyes he felt Attached, and then He saw a man with hazel eyes and out of control black hair,

"His first name should be Harry," said man with hazel eyes.

"And his middle name should be James," said the woman with vibrant green eyes.

"Lily should we let Sirius Be Harry's Godfather?" asked the man with unruly black hair.

"Yes we should James" said Lily.

And then Harry saw someone in the corner sitting in a chair. He had long dark brown hair and pale blue eyes.

"Sirius Will you Be Harry's Godfather," James asked.

"Why did you ask me James why would you choose me why not Remus? He is responsible, I'm just a Prankster. I'm not fit to do the job of raising a boy if you and Lily are gone," the man called Sirius sighed.

"Sirius Orion Black! You were never just a prankster you are a Marauder and my best Friend. You're my Cousin so never Say you're just a prankster because you're a damn lot more than that," James almost most yelled.

"So let me ask you again. Will you be Harry's godfather?" James asked calmly.

"Well I wasn't expecting this but I accept, James," Sirius answered.

Harry was handed to Sirius and turned Sirius's eyes and hair green.

Sirius Looked up at Lily and James and smiled. "Harry is going to be a powerful wizard."

***

Harry woke up from the most wonderful dream ever to find himself back in his bedroom the Cupboard Under the stairs his Aunt and Uncle, Petunia and Vernon Dursley, 'gladly and kindly' took him in after his parents were murdered by Lord Voldemort and 'generously' gave Harry the cupboard under the stairs, fed and Clothed him out of the 'kindness of their Hearts' and 'Lightly' disciplined him when he did 'wrong'.

"Up, up, up, Freak you have to watch the bacon and don't you dare let it burn or I will tell Vernon and you know what happens when I tell Vernon," Aunt Petunia shirked as she unlocked the locks on the cupboard under the stairs.

This was normally the first thing Harry heard every morning and Harry wished on a daily basis that he was woken up like His cousin, Dudley Dursley, with Petunia's Soft voice and a promise of food, Harry remembered how his mother named Lily had woken him up. His mother spoke with a soft voice saying that it was a brand new day and there were a lot of things to do, Harry can remember everything he Sees or hears. To some this would be Blessing and to others this would be a Curse. To Harry, this is a bit of both, the beginning of every month Harry has nightmares about his parents dying, and it wakes Uncle Vernon up then Harry gets beaten so for the rest of the month, he gets beaten for things like not finishing his chores by the time Vernon gets home, his unruly hair, burning the bacon, and his existence and the list goes on and on.

"Get in the Kitchen, Freak and watch the Bacon," Aunt Petunia shrieked again.

Harry went in the Kitchen and started watching the bacon. He had started cooking one year ago when he'd turned five; the Dursleys said that was his Birthday present: getting to cook for a family that is perfectly normal. Harry wanted to say that if they were normal Vernon and Dudley would be in shape, but Harry held his tongue since he knew that would just give more Punishments and chores.

There was a knock on the door, Petunia answered it.

"Who is it?" Petunia asked in her disgusting sickly sweet voice while opening it.

"Hello Mrs Dursley, let me introduce myself. My name is Minerva McGonagall and I'm here to check Harry Potter," Minerva Stated.

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Points: 266
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Thu Aug 14, 2014 9:20 pm

ozzie281 wrote a review...

First of all I am a harry potter fan. Always have been and always will be till the day my magic runs out. I also want to say I love how you began it. I always wanted to know about harry's birth. I think adding the part where harry turned serius's hair and eyes green. It was very funny and also showed how much of a strong wizard that he would become in the future. Good use of foreshadowing there if I say so myself. I always have and always will enjoy fan fiction. Thank you for sharing this and thanks for letting me read this.

Evander says...

Hi, thanks for the review! I have chapters two and three. Would you like if I posted them?

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Fri Jul 04, 2014 2:37 am

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Squall wrote a review...

Hey Raven.

After 9 Months in a dark warm Place

Sounds redundant? I mean where else do babies come from? Your armpit? And why are you having capital letters for some of the words? Maybe you are trying to stress emphasis, but it makes your grammar look shocking.

"His first name should be Harry," said man with hazel eyes.

Should have "the" in front.

"Why did you ask me James why would you choose me why not Remus? He is responsible, I'm just a Prankster. I'm not fit to do the job of raising a boy if you and Lily are gone," the man called Sirius sighed.

Hmm, would Sirius say something like that? And also, the way that Sirius is declining the offer sounds childish. These are adults yes? So wouldn't the declination be due to reasons such as "I don't think I can be there for Harry" or "I'm too busy with work". Stuff like that. In Sirius's case, would he even decline the offer at all, considering how supportive he was in the novels.

"Well I wasn't expecting this but I accept, James," Sirius answered.

And all of a sudden he accepts? Talk about an indecisive Sirius you have there.

Under the stairs his Aunt and Uncle, Petunia and Vernon Dursley, 'gladly and kindly' took him in after his parents were murdered by Lord Voldemort and 'generously' gave Harry the cupboard under the stairs, fed and Clothed him out of the 'kindness of their Hearts' and 'Lightly' disciplined him when he did 'wrong'.

OK here, I have to put you under arrest on the account of breaking the "Show, don't tell" rule in the first degree. In the first novel, it was never explicitly stated that Harry's parents were murdered by Voldemort. Instead, Rowling shows Dumbledore putting out all lights in the street to conceal their presence, meets up with McGonagall, and secretly delivers Harry to his foster parents with a letter attached. From there, you have some hints that not everything is well in Harry's life. Harry didn't know his parents were murdered until he meets Hagrid for the first time and he learns the whole truth of his situation, and that was shown through dialogue between those two, not explicitly stated by the writer.

And as a further point to this, it also doesn't explicitly state how his foster parents treated him. Instead, you could tell that his foster parents do not like Harry just going from 1. How Dudley, their son always get the more favorable treatment 2. They talk to Dudley like he means the whole world to them, but talks to Harry like he's some vermin whom they are forced to keep in their home 3. They went above and beyond to burn the letters that he's been getting from Hogwarts so that Harry will never find out. Should I go on?

"Up, up, up, Freak you have to watch the bacon and don't you dare let it burn or I will tell Vernon and you know what happens when I tell Vernon," Aunt Petunia shirked as she unlocked the locks on the cupboard under the stairs.

OK here, that's showing what Harry's situation is like with his foster parents.

This was normally the first thing Harry heard every morning and Harry wished on a daily basis that he was woken up like His cousin, Dudley Dursley, with Petunia's Soft voice and a promise of food, Harry remembered how his mother named Lily had woken him up. His mother spoke with a soft voice saying that it was a brand new day and there were a lot of things to do, Harry can remember everything he Sees or hears. To some this would be Blessing and to others this would be a Curse. To Harry, this is a bit of both, the beginning of every month Harry has nightmares about his parents dying, and it wakes Uncle Vernon up then Harry gets beaten so for the rest of the month, he gets beaten for things like not finishing his chores by the time Vernon gets home, his unruly hair, burning the bacon, and his existence and the list goes on and on.

No! You are breaking the "show don't tell" rule again. Why are you spewing out most of Harry's back story all in one paragraph. You don't ever do that, because 1. If an entire character's back story is just spewed out in one paragraph, it doesn't give it time for the writer to develop the character over time and allow him/her to grow 2. It's rushed work 3. If you were reading a novel and the main character's back story and the plot was just spewed out in one paragraph, would you be interested in continuing to read the novel? No, because there would be no suspense and intrigue anymore.

It also breaks us out of the novel. Just imagine this: You're reading something, and you're starting to get into a novel, then bam! Big lecture on the plot and the back story of the characters. Would bore a lot of readers from having to read that.

"Hello Mrs Dursley, let me introduce myself. My name is Minerva McGonagall and I'm here to check Harry Potter," Minerva Stated.

So in the middle of broad daylight, Minerva decides to pay a visit and not giving a hoot that she's a wizard and is attracting unnecessary attention by the people in the neighborhood? Only way this would be plausible is if she was dressed in like some sort of office type of clothes, but again, you didn't describe what she was wearing did you? Show, don't tell is a powerful rule. It also encourages you to describe things more, to add more detail to your story.

Overall impressions:

So yea, besides breaking the "Show, don't tell" rule in a lot of places, there isn't much else for me to comment on, because nothing really happened. The first section of this is just showing who Harry's Godfather is, and the only important part in the Dursley section of the story is Minerva turning up to their house. And out of all that, there was only one small section where you did actually 'showed' what Harry's situation is like with the Dursleys, and that's when you had Aunt Petunia screeching at him to prepare the bacon correctly.

You have some big plot holes in this as well. What's the point of assigning Sirius as Harry's Godfather if he's gonna live with the Dursleys anyway? Shouldn't he be living with Sirius instead, not the Dursleys? What happened there? And why is Minerva turning up in broad daylight to a muggle neighborhood and not worrying about drawing unnecessary attention from people? Is she actually dressed in muggle clothing so that they won't notice?

Hope this helps.
Andy.

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Sun Jun 29, 2014 8:11 pm

Cithara wrote a review...

Thewriter13 here to give a review on this lovely Review Day!
I understand this is just a work you want us all to enjoy rather than review feverishly.
*sits down and adjusts my very fake glasses*
I shall review it anyway XD
First off, any number should be written out unless it's a phone number/address, so 9 should be "nine".
*continues reading*
There are lot of words already capitalized improperly.

"After 9 Months in a dark warm Place, he opens his eyes and he sees a woman With red hair and vibrant green eyes he felt Attached, and then He saw a man with hazel eyes and out of control black hair,"
Yeah so if you ever would review it (which you don't have to; I understand you motives for posting this) please work on those capitalizations!

"Sirius Will you Be Harry's Godfather," James asked. There should be a question mark here, a comma after Sirius, and will should be not be capitalized

"Up, up, up, Freak you have to watch the bacon and don't you dare let it burn or I will tell Vernon and you know what happens when I tell Vernon," Aunt Petunia shirked as she unlocked the locks on the cupboard under the stairs.

Lots of mistakes here as well, some of what I have already mentioned

Work on showing us, not TELLING us, what is happening. More description, more imagery.
I'm not going to be too harsh. After all this is a piece you wrote remarkably well for an 8 year old. I wish I could write like that when I was eight!
*I'm only reviewing this for my star*
You don't have to look at any of this critique because I know this is just for our enjoyment.
I enjoyed it very much!
Keep writing! Post more of this story pleaseeeeeee

Points: 959
Reviews: 40

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Sat Jun 28, 2014 12:22 am

SoundsOfSilence wrote a review...

Oooo Harry Potter! One of my favorite fandoms.

Ahh, the gold old days where one did not have to worry too much about grammar mistakes and whatnot! It's always nice when you find old writings. Sadly, I've lost a lot of my old stuff :/ I have a few things I've salvaged but that's about it.

However, I don't have the guts to post any of them... I don't think it's worth it. Kudos to you for braving it haha

This was a fun read!

Points: 11482
Reviews: 351

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Sat Jun 28, 2014 12:17 am

Kanome wrote a review...

Hello, Raven.
Kanome here with a review for you.

I remember when I used to write like this when I was eight xD It feels nice reading something like this, especially when it brings back childhood memories.
Anyways, there are a few errors here and there, but you were eight then, so it's understandable.
Also, I love love love Harry Potter, so I am glad to see another Harry Potter fanfiction c:

I like this story so far.
I would like to read more.
My only suggestion is to revise and edit some of this.
Other than that, keep up the great work c:

Evander says...

I won't edit this, because I like to see how much better I have gotten. Maybe I'll re-write this completely. Just not this draft.

Thanks for the review!

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Bond of Memories (Chapter 1)

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