As the track played, the urge to type kept trying to tear its way to the surface but the right words failed to come out. Erin only wanted to write the perfect stories and the best snippets of things, as if the failure to not be spectacular would kill him. Being one of only twelve people to receive a full ride to NYU for creative writing drove Erin to push himself to be the best that his mind could be. He continued to type through the night and darkness but he felt incomplete no matter what came through the keyboard. Coffee mixed with sleeping pills had always proven a success before so he didn’t think any differently about it this time around. Only two semesters into his undergraduate career and he had already developed his sure fire method to get the better stories out than the other eleven candidates in the program. By everyone else’s view Erin was a well-rounded and polite person that was easily liked. He had already made an impact on the campus and in the eyes of many esteemed professors through his writings being published in the Washington Square, NYU’s biannually produced literary magazine. But underneath the surface, he knew there were shoes larger than life to fill. Erin’s brother, Felix, had already become a Tony winning play write out of Austin, Texas at 21; so when Erin was accepted to NYU the pressure was truly on. Erin and Felix had always had an unspoken rivalry that Erin had continuously fallen short in. He knew that one day his time would come, but he wasn’t willing to wait for it.
The keyboard clicking away was a sure sign that Erin had finally thought of something he could be proud of and was willing to follow. Throughout his writing process he usually went through about three or four different prompt ideas, so being able to run with one was about a six pill and two cups of coffee run. Five thirty in the morning had rolled around and he knew this story was at the point where it could be proof read and edited before finally being okay. He wasn’t ecstatic with his final product but his stories always made it into the magazine anyway, so last minute editing was more important than sleeping or even eating. A surge of bliss came over him as he finished up; this had never happened before while taking Ambien. Erin felt like a new day had truly came over the horizon and maybe this story had more potential than he had thought and could be his best one yet, because if he were being honest, he couldn’t read through the blurs at this point. Erin printed his story out, took three more pills, downed his coffee, and stood from his desk. Black. Crash.Points:
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139,240 Literary Works • 672,522 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Hmm...well this was certainly an interesting little story this one, its got a lot of little things going on here and is definitely packed with a ton of interesting little titbits here and there that play into this story quite nicely. Well, let's get down to a bit more detail now.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Hmm...well this is a very interesting little start to a story that you've got here, its certainly talking about some very interesting things in this person's life here. Looks like it talking a bit about him current ambitions and what he hopes to do with where he is and also talks about the rivalry he has with his brother I think that is even more successful than him. It certainly talks quite nicely about how he's already done really well but somehow he's still falling short compared to his brother's success and this person really wants to try and be more successful than their brother. Its a pretty decent start to the story at any rate, its a little bit more cluttered than I would like cause you've got a bit too much information packed into the one paragraph and the flow doesn't quite line up right but I think it does make for a pretty interesting start here at any rate.
Well...that's not a great ending for him....well I suppose its nice that he finally managed to write himself a good story that he was somewhat satisfied with, but wow, he just straight up crashed to the floor and blacked out there as soon as he got up, even if the passing out is just a quick passing out, a fall like that could really cause some serious damage...oh dear. Well...you can certainly see the dedication that he has in this one, how he just completely dismisses food and sleep with not thought whatsoever with the story being more important, but it looks like that just might be leading to his demise here...
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, a pretty intriguing little story, its got lots and lots of interesting little titbits just scattered about all over the place and well seems like quite an interesting backstory too, its got a couple of issues with formatting, flow and the like but it appears the other reviewers have covered that soo....I just mentioned how the story feels like to me. Anyway, that's all I gotta say here.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hi
WallFlower here for a review.
I really like this piece. It's intriguing and very descriptively written, which I like.
Just a few critiques.
Renald already pointed out the "show, don't tell" aspect, so I won't recover that.
The first thing is that both of these paragraphs seem really bulky. Large blocks of text are hard to read on a screen. If you could add more paragraph breaks, it would greatly improve the ease of reading.
My only other critique is your character name. Typically, Aaron is a guy, and Erin is a girl. I'm not saying your character can't break the status quo, but for me it was confusing to read a male character with a female name.
Overall, I really did enjoy your story. The plot was interesting and I thoroughly enjoyed it. Good job!
Hope my review helps.
~WallFlower
Happy Review Day!
Hello.
stop telling me how Erin is feeling. And SHOW ME. The reader, so we can feel something right along with her.So you're a descriptive writer, in the sense that you don't use dialogue. Which you really should. And is one of my main points in this review:
Good Points
1. Nice exposition eg. things happen in the story.
2. You handle the background story of the character well.
3. Some of the language you use is cliche, but it works in this piece for some reason. (perhaps because it is consistent.)
Improvement Points
1. Break up large paragraphs of text - they are daunting when reading
2. Use a balance of : description, dialogue and narrative
3. Show, don't tell, and use linguistic devices eg similes, personification, to do this.
eg:
Keep writing.
Hello, Kyle.
Kanome here with a review for you.
I love the story plot so far.
It seems interesting and new.
It would certainly be an eye for future readers.
If I can make a suggestion, I think you should commas to where they're suppose to be. Like before "but", "and", and "or".
It would help with the content be better.
Also, I think there should be more than two paragraphs. It's a good story and all, but it seems cluttered.
Other than that, it is a wonderful story, and I can't wait to read more.
Keep up the great work c: