Young Writers Society

Hai~, I'm back, again. Because we already know each other, let's not waste time with pleasantries and skip right into it.

Technical stuff and stuff:

Only a lunatic would perpetrate such menace to a harmless animal.

she hurriedly fumbled for the lock

The sweat stuck her hair onto her forehead, giving her the impression of a woman who journeyed through complete chaos over millenniums and could no longer withstand the suffer.

There it laid, with its odour incessantly emitted, but the reek could not infiltrate into the house, courtesy of the locked door and windows. She immediately turned her back to the glass window, grimacing from the awful scene.

The dialing tone was soon drowned out by the voice of a black female woman, presumably Jamaican.

The phone slipped from her grasp, fell onto the cold floor, its contents spilling from the thin plastic case. The sheers nearly ripped from its hooks under her clasp.

However, that could not help to track down the maniac. Nothing could.

Is there a reason why they couldn't track down the maniac?

almost ready to spill out.

Almost, already. Same meaning, watch out for these.

She swallowed it back down, wincing at the terrible taste of the bitter froth.

ugh, I know exactly how that feels.

The CONTENT:

content:

So, this chapter was a bit more interesting than the last, I am quite curious about the canine. But before we get to that, I'd like to ask a question about that paragraph on where Mella worked. Was that any way related to this problem, or was that a part of history you'd want the readers to know. For me, I thought that was somewhat unrelated to this chapter and hence, it is not needed. But the choice is of course, up to you. One of the main problem I found with this chapter, was why she was so bothered by a dead dog in her court yard. I mean sure, people would get upset over it but her reaction seemed a bit extreme to me. I can imagine a lot of disgust but not to the point where she's having a mental meltdown and be so concerned about who killed the dog. Is not even her dog, or does the dog represent something? Does it represent a threat to her or anything? Also, like Noelle said. Wouldn't she call the animal control instead of 911, I mean animal control would be more experienced in dealing with this sort of thing.

She collapsed onto the floor, laid face-down on the carpet, feeling the pleasant warmth beneath, a smile across her face.

I didn't know that the carpet was warm underneath? Is it some sort of electrical carpet?

Language:

For a twelve year old, you have a very impressive range of vocabulary which is good, and your descriptions are lovely as per usual. However, watch out for the writing, remember those short sentences I mentioned in chapter two. You have the same problem here. Also, try and vary your sentence beginnings. I noticed that you tend to start with an article or a pronoun. Also, I didn't have a problem with this in the first two chapters but is more evident here.

Remember the golden rule of show don't tell?

Your frequent use of 'of' 'to' often places your descriptions into telling rather than showing the readers which really brings a flat tone to your story rather than a living one. So, try and avoid that as much as possible. Not all of course, but try and diminish it.

Areas for improvement:

-show don't tell

-Vary your sentence beginnings

-Consider the importance of information before putting it into a chapter.

-Explain your actions. I didn't mention this before, but always explain your actions and go behind why the character is doing this. One of the most important aspects to writing a good story is to make sure you have good character development. Is not an easy thing to do, the most basic aspects of it includes getting into your character's shoes and think about their motive and why they are doing these things and show them to the readers instead of just showing us the physical actions. Like here:

The terror she'd felt for her situation had dissipated, leaving a trace of confusion and distress.

Hi there!

Wow, so we're getting into something intense here. I could really feel the tension in the house as well as the fear that Mella was feeling. Good job getting that across to us.

Now I know in my last review I pointed out how you had a bit too much description. Well I'm gonna say the opposite here xD It's only for one spot though so it's not really that big of a deal. It's about the part with the dog.

A piece of fibrous material— perhaps wood— lodged down its throat initiated a gruesome scene that Melanna could not bear.

Hi there Lisa! It's Brunnera, here for a review on the latest chapter I have been waiting for! It's been quite a while since the last one.

I usually start my reviews with the nitpicks before I go on with the parts I loved.

"A piece of fibrous material— perhaps wood— lodged down its throat initiated a gruesome scene that Melanna could not bear."

"Initiated" would mean 'cause' or 'started', so in my opinion (remember, in my opinion xD) the word is awkward in that sentence. Perhaps a more simple 'created' would do nicely.

"Not affording to remove her vision from the scene, she hurriedly fumbled for the lock and inserted the nickel key into its slot, jerking it aggressively."

"Jerking" is also quite awkward. It means something being pushed forward (or backward, or both at the same time), so since the key is the subject in question, "twisting" would be appropriate. It would do nicely because 'aggressively' already emphasizes the fact she is doing it roughly/harshly.

"Sweat exuded from her forehead, trickling down her skin onto her temples and her cheeks."

Temples and cheeks are already part of her skin-- which means you have over-described this part. Remove "her skin onto" and that would be nice.

"(...) giving her the impression of a woman who journeyed through complete chaos over millenniums and could no longer withstand the suffer."

The sentence was too long, and it is, again, over-described. "Giving her the impression" conveys the meaning of "Melanna's first impression of something", not "how Melanna looks like". A simpler, "making her look like a woman who journeyed through chaos." is good. It is succinct and the reader knows what you are trying to tell.

"(...), lifeless on the now-infected snow."

Snow cannot be infected...still I don't know what word would be appropriate to replace it...

"There it laid, with its odour incessantly emitted, but the reek could not infiltrate into the house, courtesy of the locked door and windows. "

If the reek could not enter the house, the "with its ordour incessantly emitted" makes it weird. How does one know the ordour is there when it did not enter the house? Instead of describing the smell, describe how it looks like again-- in a more gruesome way, that way the sentence where Melanna grimaces will be fitting.

"Mella jerked in shock at the unexpected chime."

"Jerked in shock", if changed to a simple "was startled", would be better. I know that it doesn't sound professional, but "jerked" is simply inappropriate.

"" —it appears to be dead and I have no idea who was the culprit who left the creature in my yard. I just came back from town and—""

There's just one minor thing I found awkward, it's that Melanna said 'culprit'. It's not something a woman would usually say, right? This is conversation, not description. "person" replacing "culprit" will sound normal.

"She scanned the entire yard for the animal, her eyes wide open in shock. The phone slipped from her grasp, fell onto the cold floor, its contents spilling from the thin plastic case. The sheers nearly ripped from its hooks under her clasp. Clenched teeth, taut jaw and fierce gripping knuckles could only describe that Mella was in great stupefaction."

Several mistakes I found in there.
"Scanned" would not be good with "entire", because "scanned" already means a thorough search.

""She scanned the entire yard for the animal, her eyes wide open in shock. "

Are you saying she scanned the yard WITH her eyes wide? You went a bit too fast although the paragraph was something I found really good.
Describe how she looked around, but found nothing, and describe how the realization and scary reality hit her hard. Only then, after this suspenseful pause, do you describe the "her eyes wide open in shock" thing.

"The phone slipped from her grasp, fell onto the cold floor, its contents spilling from the thin plastic case."

There is only one phone in the plastic case, yet you wrote "contents" with the 'S' and you wrote 'spilling'. Unless if you are implying the phone broke into tiny pieces, I recommend you remove "it's contents spilling (...)" entirely.

"She collapsed onto the floor, laid face-down on the carpet (...)"

"Collapsed" brings the impression she fainted. Joining the two parts of the sentence together would be better.
"She laid down on the floor, her face on the carpet (...)"


....

Alrighty then, that's the end of my nitpicks.

Overall, this was just another wonderful chapter. The suspense was so cleverly built up in the paragraphs and words, the imagery and detail ever so powerful-- forcing fear and anxiety into the reader as the reader follows Melanna through the small ordeal. The plot is forming out well-- it's realistic yet incredulously scary. You sure know how to make questions pop in one's head-- who is this psychopath? What would happen next? Why her?

Then, at the last paragraph, you with your awesome powers, remove the feeling of fear in the reader, replacing it with comfort since Melanna was calm. Words are so powerful, and you show a great example.

Plenty of show, yet less of tell, but I'm very fine with that! It's really nice, and your writing style is entrancing.

Remember all the nitpicks are merely suggestions Simply my advice. I love this so far, looking forward to the next one!
Hope I helped you, Lisa xD

~Brunnera

Hi!
Wow you're a really great writer! This whole story was very sensory and descriptive. I also really liked some of your word choice. This whole chapter is filled with action and suspense, so it really keeps your attention.

There were a few grammatical errors I saw:
"and could no longer withstand the suffer."
I think it should be suffering.
"Not affording to remove her vision from the scene"
This needs to be changed to something like "She couldn't afford not to see" or something that makes this clearer.

Also, (I'm just picking at stuff) but usually the 9-1-1 emergency department wouldn't think that was a prank. If she was talking in a distressed tone, then just went silent, they would send police and an ambulance. (That's why you're not suppose to prank call 9-1-1. )

Overall, this was really great! Keep writing!
- Corax