Stefan ran at top speed toward wolf creek where he planned to meet up with Cnut, Gündar, Sigberht, Edwin, Wulf, Ulf, Bjorne, Sveyn, and Cedric. I'M ALL READY LATE SO I'D BETTER NOT SLACKEN MY PACE. IF ONLY I WOULD REMEMBER TO CHOP WOULD AT NIGHT! WELL ANYHOW. I'LL JUST HAVE TO REMBER. Stefan rounded a bend up ahead and began a steep decent that did force him to slacken off a little. He used his axe and a numerous amount of root to keep himself from rolling down the hill. As soon as he reached the bottom of the hill he turned round and kbegan running through the large numbers of pine trees that dominate the northern forests of Landofinn. Soon the trees began to thin and he began to hear the water of the river up ahead. After Jogging for another couple of minutes Stefan found himself in the midst of a crowd of eleven other boys.
"Well I didn't expect to see you here today," panted Stefan as he came up to Rolf and Rollin two twin brothers who did NOT look a bit like each other.
"Well you see we got kind of board when our training ended so we decided to see what you were up to and join you if we like it." said Rolf
"But it was my idea." said Rollin
"Uh uh! Remember when you said we should go fishing. Then is said 'Nah I'm tired of fishing. But I'd give anything to find out what Stefan and Cnut have been up too.'"
"No! It was the other way around. You asked if I wanted to go fishing. Then I said, 'Why are your suggestions always so stupid. But go fishing if you want but going to see what Stefan is doing. So leave alone or I'll kick you.' Then as soon as I ran out the door you took off after me."
"No you took after me. See hears a bump on my forehead that I got because I was looking bak at you and then all of a sudden I ran into a tree."
"Liar your just afraid to admit that father cuffed you for forgetting to do your chores."
"There is only one liar here and that liar is you."
Before he could finish speaking Rollin sprang toward his older brother.
"Hasn't father rebuked you for lying before." said Rollin as he tried to arrest control of his brothers arms."
"No." replied Rolf "though I think that right now you need to respect me as your elder."
"Hah, by thirty seconds. Besides I'm a lot smarter than you."
"No your not." Rolf retorted as he attempted to trip his brother. Just as he did so Gündar and Bjorne both grabbed one of them and pulled them away from each other. Each struggled and attempted to break lose and tare at their brother. But Gündar and Borne were quoted strong and able to hold them tight.
"If you don't behave then I'll have Gündar and Bjorne take you back home." Threatened Stefan. At that each of them stopped squirming.
Finally Rolf summoned up the courage to ask what was being done by Stefan and the rest of his group.
"Gündar Bjorne show our guests what we've working on this past month." said Stefan in a commanding voice that men recognize and obey at once
They ruffly led them to place several hundred yards up the creek. All Rolf and Rollin saw was brush and trees. But Bjorne and Gündar led them to what seemed to be a very large thicket. They began tearing and breaking through it. Soon Rolf and Rollin saw the the mouth of a cave when the opening was cleared they walked through it. Sveyn took a flint and lit a torch they walked along a passage until it came to a large open under water lake. On the bank was a long narrow dark object object about seventy feet long.
"It's a longship." said Rollin. "I knew so all along.
"Your just saying tha–" all of a sudden he felt a sharp pain travel down his arm alerting him that Gündar still had a firm grip on his shoulder and that he wouldn't tolerate any arguing.
Just then a boy came to the cave driving a wagon.
"Who is that?" asked Rolf.
"That would be Ragnar with the paint." said Edwin
"We'd better go help him." said Cnut.
With that they all headed out toward the cave entrance to greet Ragnar and help him unload the wagon.
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,844 Reviews
Hello r4p, Wolf here for a review.
First off a few nitpicks:
As mentioned earlier, italics would be a much better use than all capitalized words. Also, the second 'remember' is spelled wrong. Finally, this portion seems a little bit repetitive. You could easily reword it to not use 'remember' twice in such a small proximity.
Two things: 'Jogging' shouldn't be capitalized and there should be a comma between 'couple of minutes' and 'Stefan'. Here is why:
So, you probably know all about dependent clauses, compound sentences, lists, etc. Well, everyone needs a refresher now and then, so here it is. There are a few spots where commas are needed, so here are two main spots I noticed where you lacked them:
1.) After a dependent clause. As you may already know, a dependent clause is a phrase of a sentence that cannot stand on its own. For example:
While I licked a lollipop, I walked home.
The underlined portion I'd followed by a comma because it is the dependent clause of the sentence. Now if it was just 'I walked home', no comma would be needed. Dependent clauses can be as short as one word, as shown bellow:
Suddenly, I dropped the lollipop.
Get it?
2.) When creating a compound sentence. Hopefully you know what a compound sentence is, but just incase, it is two sentences joined by a conjunction and a comma. For example:
I screamed, and I ran the rest of the way home.
Notice the comma comes right before the conjunction, and that goes right before the second sentence. Common conjunctions are: and, but, or, since, and so.
These sentences don't really make sense. I think a few words are missing here and there, and remember the comma spiel. The first sentence is also a but repetitive. The word 'but' is used twice very close to the first.
In some parts there are some mixed up words. For example: 'hear' is used in a spot where the correct word would be 'here', along with some other words that dragon pointed out earlier. Also, be careful for spelling errors. Finally, try avoiding starting any sentences, except in dialogue, with 'but', 'and', or 'because'. Dialogue is alright since many people will ignore this rule in everyday speech.
You've got a nice start here, and a little bit of a mystery going on, but really this feels more like the skeleton of a story. Add some muscle into it. I notice that during the entire arguement between the twins, the main character is just standing there. How does he feel? What's he doing? Try to find a balance between actions, dialogue, thoughts, and descriptions.
Speaking of which, description was something that this piece also severely lacked. Honestly, I have no idea where everything is relative to each other. I have no idea what anyone looks like. Try to pull in those extra details to make it more interesting. Though it is good to have descriptions, try not to over do it. Once again, a balance must be found. Otherwise, this is a cool concept, and once you start editing, this could really become something great! (Sorry if stuff is releated, I wrote this a while ago.) Keep Writing,
~Wolfare
Thanks for the review! I will try to work on the commas and description. I have identified that I need more of the latter. That is one of my major priorities to work on. Btw, I don't think I need to be told to keep writing :p
This was good! But like every single sroty, yes even your favorite there is some minor flaws. For example, this sentence "I'M ALL READY LATE SO I'D BETTER NOT SLACKEN MY PACE. IF ONLY I WOULD REMEMBER TO CHOP WOULD AT NIGHT! WELL ANYHOW. I'LL JUST HAVE TO REMBER." There is some grammatical errors that could be fixed and then sentence just doesn't run very smoothly.
Like all of my writing I need to work on tenses and grammatical errors. I found this in your book too, this is an easy fix if you don't mid using the time to do so.
There is just one more thing though, and this is an extreme detail that every writer struggles with at one point; you don't exactly describe the'r surroundings much or the people. Just add this in like five times in a chapter and the conversations and imagery will balance out.
Keep in mind that I am trying to help you, and if I offended you in anyway I am sorry, because I didn't mean too...
I really liked the plot, and the overall chapter was interesting. KEEP THE GOOD WORK UP!!!!!!!!!!
~Emma/Unique
Thanks you for the review. I will try to work on the things that you pointed out. Note that when I wrote this I was trying to fly through everything for nanowrimo.
This is still good! Great job!
Knight Dragon, here to review!
...Wow. That was an info dump of names. You could have just said "planned to meet up with his friends" and then introduced the characters as they came on the scene and became relevant. Right then, right there, we don't need to know that he has one...two...three...skip a few... nine friends. If/when we need to know, then let us know. But give yourself some time to develop the story.
And I'd recommend swapping out the ALL CAPS for italics on the thoughts. Otherwise it reads like he's shouting to himself inside his head, for no reason whatsoever.
This is a good example of something you struggle with throughout the piece. This is really wordy, and could be simplified. "Began a steep decent that did force him to slacken off a little" could be reduced to "began a steep decent that forced him to slow down."
Slight typo there. You've got a "k" slapped onto your "began."
I think you need to go back and check the spellings of certain words. For example, you have "board" instead of "bored," and "ruffly" instead of "roughly."
That should give you a bit of an idea of where you need to head with revision.
Hope this helps!
Thanks for the review Dragon. I think "did." was an error on my part. Note that I did write this during nanowrimo and have not yet had a chance to edit it.
The reason I have all caps is because notes does not have font options and pages has a glitch that pretty much makes writing impossible. Hopefully I can edit that on the computer at some point
Does it have "[" brackets? A bit of BBCode for you:
- Code
That should help a little.To get italics, put text between [i]insert text here[/i]. For underline and bold, substitute a u and a b for the i, respectivelyUgh. All these tablet/smartphone programs sound like a royal pain to type on.
Keep on writing!