Young Writers Society

Greetings.

I saw your plea for help with punctuation, so fear no more, for I have arrived. I shall even aid you in spelling and grammar, should those aspects of your writing require attention as well, but as for analysing poems, at that I am not too skilled.

Out to sea

go my dreams.

An intersting and catching first sentence.

The lighthouse beam flickers

then fades out.

Here is your first mistake... and second, actually.
1. There should be a comma after flickers, as your sentence contains two ideas and is therefore actually two sentences, but they combine to form one.
2. The out after fades is redundant, as fades means: (especially of light) to gradually decrease until nothing remains.

further and

further into

I see that you like keeping your lines extremely short. Remember, this emphasises virtually every line, so you should be very selective of what you seperate and what you keep joined. I'd advise joining these two lines, as they aren't all that important.

the blue abyss.

A very nice metaphor, this is.

Waves crash and

crack in foamy hisses

I enjoy the alliteration, but could you not rather have kept the two alliterating words in the same line?

I'm sure to some

other lonely, lost

heart.

This sentence is just plain confusing. What were you trying to say?

heart.

One who waits

I'd replace the full stop with a semi-colon or a dash if I were you.

for dreams to wash ashore

hopeless and lingering

Here, I have the same problem as with my previous objection, except a simple space is the culprit now, and not a full stop.

One foot in, another out

of the water

Incorrect-word-order-alert! This is a poem though, so I suppose that matters little.


All in all, I very much enjoyed your poem. I'd have liked to elaborate, but, as with my music teacher's husband who loves Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture, I am not too well-versed in the appropriate jargon and can therefore not. I can wish you luck with your future endeavours though, so I shall - good luck!

Rating for this text: three and a half stars (very good)

Hi there! You said you need some help with punctuation, so I'll try my best to do that...

First, though, some quick little pointers...

I'm sure to some
other lonely, lost
heart.

Those last two lines don't make so much sense to me.

Punctuation time! The punctuation I've added is in red, if it's blue that means take it out.

Out to sea
go my dreams.
The lighthouse beam flickers
then fades out.
The shoreline is dark,
angry and retched;
a storm is brewing.
Winds blow
picking up speed,
my dreams going
further and
further into
the blue abyss.
Waves crash and
crack in foamy hisses
as they reach land.
Oh dreams,
Where have you gone?

Seriously, not much. Or, I just suck at punctuation when it comes to poetry. Next stanza!

I'm sure to some
other lonely, lost
heart.
One who waits
for dreams to wash ashore,
hopeless and lingering
by the ocean.
One foot in, another out
of the water
So close to death
yet so far away.
Dark clouds sail overhead
with my dreams in tow,
tell me dreams,
where did you go?

[/quote]

I'll say it again: don't trust me 100% when it comes to punctuation. I'm trying, though.

I noticed in the second stanza you had tow and go ryhme, but nothing ryhming in the first stanza. You might want to add a ryhme to the first stanza or take away the ryhme from the second one. Just wondering, was it intentional? Sometimes I do that unintentionally.

I like the overall poem, though. The message was clear, and I like how you incorporated dreams into it.

Great job!

Hope this helps... If any...

WillowPaw1~