Young Writers Society

girl i love this you have no idea what you do to her to save her life everyday. you put her first before anyone and that what a great sister is all about. she is a little kid that dont under stand anything yet . you should be there for her when she gets older and dont mess up like this generation. we should protect our young siblings and make them feel save in our arms. even though i dont have a sister or brother younger then me i still think that you are a great sister and you have a right to be a great mother one day.

As far as an overall feel to it, it's somber and honest and rings true- but I think it could edge on the side of melodramatic (with some of the statements like "I love you so", etc.). However, I do like it.

I think you could easily lessen the use of "Don't follow in my footsteps" and still convey the same message, maybe only two or three times. The impact would actually be greater if you said it less, because it would provide a starker contrast as well as an 'umph' to certain statements.

I think this could be shortened to add emphasis, but I really enjoyed the ending- the transition between not following and then her leading. Unless that's her last name, though, it should be spelled 'leads.' But even if it is a last name, it's a play on words and I liked that!

- Renn

Hey there! Alex here to review your work!
I really liked the repeated nature of the title but at the same time I didn't. I liked it because it really emphasized what the older sister was trying to tell the younger one. It also gave a sort of country feel if it was changed into lyrics. It kind of got a little bit repetitive after a while and started to lose it's effect. You could also have some larger spacing between them in certain areas such as:
[/quote] You have the potential that I don't.

Don't follow in my footsteps.

I'm not as great as you think.

Don't follow in my footsteps.

Or soon you'll see.

Don't follow in my footsteps.

Baby sister listen to me. [/quote]

Could be changed to:
[/quote] You have the potential that I don't.

I'm not as great as you think.

Don't follow in my footsteps.

Or soon you'll see.

Baby sister listen to me.
Don't follow in my footsteps [/quote]
May I also suggest changing it into stanzas as it's more of a poem than a short story!
Overall, loved the concept it just needs a bit of polishing up!

Aer123 review time!

You repeat 'Don't follow in my footsteps' quite a lot, stylistically this is not very good. Although I get the point your are conveying to the reader, warning them not to do the same as you have done; because you have had bad experience that shouldn't be repeated. Good story for the little sister, good advice, just liven it up a bit. By adding more expression and trying to interpose that past experience by bringing it to the fore will add a lot of detail the reader is yearning to see: and to gain first hand experience from it to why she shouldn't do it like you did.

So just follow the above said and it will improve. If you would please indulge me in a rewrite with the added advice it'll be great!

Remember that every time you redo your writing it will help you overall in all forms of literature. Even if you take 3 weeks to get it right! When it happens everything will start to fall into place.

Sincerely Yours
aer123

P.S: Keep it up!