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Young Writers Society


16+ Language Mature Content

Omens of Disgrace - Chapter Five

by ScarlettFire


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and mature content.

Hey guys. Here's a chapter. It's kinda short, but whatever. Enjoy and comment, crit, etc!

Word Count: 1286.

Chapter Five

The clearing outside the cottagewas empty and silent. Taranis found it comforting. He was far from the dramas of his old life, even though he had to leave his beloved wife behind. At least he had Kostya. Speaking of the other man... Taranis turned away from the treeline and back towards the cottage. The door was firmly shut, though the window shutters had been thrown open wide. Flowers and herbs spilled over the sides of the window boxes in a brilliant coloured array of petals. Inside, he could hear Koysta moving about.

Taranis fingered the sword at his side, frowning thoughtfully. There was a lot going on outside their little forest clearing, and he wasn't quite sure what he could do about it. He knew his son was alive, but as to where that son was, he didn't know. Taranis was sure Kostya knew, though, but the other man would never tell him. He was fine with that; he'd meet his son eventually, though. First, he needed to find him. Kostya had said he would help with that, and Taranis trusted his bodyguard and friend impeccably.

"Taranis!"

He jerked around, eyes darting to the now opened door to the cottage. Kostya was standing in the doorway, glaring at him. Taranis gave him a fond look, lips tilting up slightly. That made theo ther man's brown eyes narrow and his lips twist slightly. "Kostya."

"Get in here," the other man called, dragging his fingers through his grey-peppered black hair. Taranis found the action endearing, and somewhat predictable. Kostya always dragged his fingers through his hair when he was frustrated. "Food's ready!"

"Alright," Taranas called back. "I'll be there in a moment."

Kostya nodded and vanished back into the cottage. He turned back to the treeline, glancing it over. It was peaceful, as it usually was. Taranis turned away from the treeline and made his way back towards the cottage. Rubbing his fingertips over the hilt of his sword, Taranis mused on the situation. After a moment, he sighed and shook his head. There wasn't much he could do right now. He was a king assumed dead and currently in hiding. Sure, he had Kostya, but he couldn't go home. He couldn't return to his beloved wife or kingdom. He had to let the entire realm think him gone and stick to the shadows. That was the price he'd had to pay, so long ago.

"There you are, Taranis." Kostya's voice was closer than he'd sounded a moment ago. "I thought you were going to take forever out there."

He stopped short, glancing up. Kostya was back in the doorway, smiling at him. "I'm worried, Kostya," he admited, searching his friend's face for assurance, or perhaps acceptence. "Very worried.... My son."

The other man sighed, stepping aside so Taranis could enter the cottage. "I know, Taranis. I know." Kostya watched him as he entered the building, quickly following. "Go sit down. We need to talk."

Taranis twisted to stare hard at his friend for a moment before he nodded and went over to the only table in the room; the one pushed up against the far wall opposite the window. He sat on one of the chairs and turned to watch Kostya. Kostya seemed to hesitate for a moment before he moved to join him.

"Why are you so serious, Kostya?" Taranis asked as his friend sat down opposite him. "Is something wrong? Did my son die? The prophecy--"

"Easy, Taranis," Kostya interjected softly, holding a hand up. "It's nothing like that." Taranis exhaled, leaning back in his seat. "Your son is fine, and nothing is wrong. The prophecy will come to pass."

Taranis frowned at him. "Then what is there to talk about?"

Kosyta was silent then, staring back at him. It merely had Taranis worrying more. What was wrong? Kostya has said nothing, but that didn't mean it was the truth. That was a bad sign, right? Taranis planted both hands on the tabletop. He made to stand, but Kostya grabbed his wrist.

"Please," the other man said, "let me explain."

Taranis stared him down for a moment before his sighed and lowered himself back into the seat. Kostya relaxed slight, though he still kept his hold on Taranis's wrist. "Alright, Kostya," he said, rubbing his free hand over his face. "Do explain."

"I...I," Kostya began, stammering a little. Taranis reached out and tapped the other man on the cheek. His friend's eyes darted up to meet his. He glanced down at his wrist meaningfully and Kostya flushed, releasing him and jerking his hand back. "Sorry, your grace. I forgot my place."

"No," Taranis said firmly, but kindly. "You didn't. I'm no longer a king, and so you no longer have to abide by the old, palace social rules." He cleared his throat and looked away. "Besides, you've shared my bed more times than I can count or remember; we are well past this stage."

The other man choked back a laugh. "It's so easy to forget that, Taranis."

"True," he chuckled, shaking his head in amusement. He cleared his throat again and settled into the chair. Kostya stared back at him, hands folded promptly in front of him on the table. "You wanted to talk, old friend?"

Kostya heaved a sigh and nodded, shifting his hands on the table. "Yes, I did."

Taranis gave his old friend an expectant look, waiting for him to speak. The other man looked nervous and worried, and it, in turn, was beginning to make him worry. Kostya seemed to be hesitating, but Taranis knew he was trying to bring himself to say whatever it was he wanted to tell him. "Well?"

"I recieved a note from one of my contacts at the border," Kostya began, avoiding the other man's piercing grey-green gaze. "A Belasian slave crossed the border late last night. Silus says he's an interesting kid. Arrogant, keeps claiming he's Daeron's son, but that the old bastard refuses to believe it." He cleared his throat nervously. Taranis watched him, leaning back and letting his hands slide off the table. "Bastard has always denied all the horrible things he'd done."

"Silus?" Taranis asked, frowning slightly. "Your nephew?"

"Yes, the very one."

"Interesting," he muttered, mostly to himself. "Please, go on."

"Very well, your grace," Kostya murmured, bowing his head, though he still kept it half-turned away from the other man. "He says Kaj interrogated him well. And he believes the boy. Silus, surprisingly, agrees--for once." He jerked his head up a little, closing his eyes. "I have been informed that they're headed to the village near them. They'll probably stay there for a night or two before moving on, back to Verlis."

"The captial," Taranis mused, turning to look out the window. "Kaj and the Belasi boy will be there in a few weeks. We should return. I don't think anyone will recongise us by now. We've been gone a long time."

"Agreed," Kostya breathed, shifting in his seat. Taranis heard the wood creak and turned back, just in time to see his old friend plant his hands firmly on the table top and move to push himself up and out of the chair. "Shall we round up some supplies and get ready to move out, sire?"

"Yes, Kostya. I think that's a good idea." He watched his friend move off towards the bedroom they'd shared for fifteen years. Kostya paused in the doorway, glancing back. "Time to go home, old friend." Kostya nodded and disappeared into the darkened bedroom, leaving Taranis to his musings. The old king turned back to the window, staring out at the clearing and the treeline. "Time to go home."


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Tue Sep 02, 2014 10:56 pm
Snowery wrote a review...



Scarli, fellow Aussie here to review for you! :)

Main Points

Taranis


Oooh! Love this name!!

Taranis turned away from the treeline


You set up the setting here quite brilliantly with this and the next sentence. Totally loved it!

Taranis fingered the sword at his side


And here you do the perfect job of setting up the scenario and situation that we are in. We get hints of a back story, of Taranis' dilemma with his son and of the relationship he shares with Kostya. Great stuff. I must say, though I'm only about five chapters into this story one of the things that have become glaringly apparent to me is your gift and skill with setting up the environment, back story and setting in a clear and concise way, yet still be able to convey the entire scene. Within a couple of sentences or half a paragraph I can already see where I am and the situation I have to deal with. It's also been very consistent throughout your chapters. Fantastic.

He was a king assumed dead and currently in hiding.


Plot twist! Things just got more interesting! I wonder for which nation? *strokes imaginary beard*

Silus says


He's in Kaj's camp right? Cool stuff. Also I wanted to mention that I thought the emotion between the two men throughout Kostya's “confession” was really well done and almost palpable. Nice! :)

"Time to go home."


Woah, what? Two minutes ago they were all like “we can't go home” and then the Balasi kid goes over the border and they're going home? Let me get this straight in my head for a second. So them being able to suddenly go home now, has that got to do with Devon's appearance and going over to Verlis? And was the reason Kostya was so nervous was because he was hoping Taranis would decide to go back home?

Okay so overall summary: I mentioned a lot of the things that you're doing right at the moment, I personally feel you're writing is very strong and really enjoy the narrative voice. I did feel that the ending could have little more climatic. I felt like the “I'm going home” was supposed to be a bam statement but it felt a little rushed. I do realise though that you had to pump this out in a week, with a word limit. These are just things to go over during edits. I also liked Tiranis' character and the whole back story with him. I am insanely intrigued about the reason for him not being king anymore and having to live in hiding. Okay, that's all for now so see you in the next chapter! Keep it up and happy writing! :) :)

Silverlock




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Mon May 05, 2014 1:18 am
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megsug wrote a review...



>.> Buggiedude called me out. Well, I am here, and actually on time this time :D This will start a good habit for me.

Oh my, this was lovely. By far my favorite of the chapters so far. I love the change of scenery and characters here. Taranis' and Kostya's relationship is so fascinating to watch, you've done a fantastic job creating multiple layers.

There are two things that bother me though...

He glanced down at his wrist meaningfully and Kostya flushed, releasing him and jerking his hand back. "Sorry, your grace. I forgot my place."

"No," Taranis said firmly, but kindly. "You didn't. I'm no longer a king, and so you no longer have to abide by the old, palace social rules." He cleared his throat and looked away. "Besides, you've shared my bed more times than I can count or remember; we are well past this stage."


This chunk is the source of all my problems with their relationship.
First off, they've been living together for fifteen years. I think Kostya would have gotten comfortable doing whatever he wanted around Taranis. Not to mention that in the beginning of the chapter Kostya was ordering Taranis around everywhere. It doesn't seem consistent or realistic especially if Taranis is truly keeping his attitude of "palace social rules no longer apply". Of course, I'm not saying make them equal. I kind of like the awkward grey area between lover and less than equal. Just make sure things are consistent and logical.

Secondly, I feel like you introduced their relationship with "...you've shared my bed..." way too obviously. You do this wonderful job of creating the right vibe between them in the end, and it would be so much more interesting if you continued with the vibe and subtle acknowledgements of their relationship. In the context you put "...you've shared my bed..." it sounded really forced and was a little jarring to the reader.

Just to make this clear, this does not mean I don't like the relationship. As I said, I love the way you've made these two interact. I just feel it could be portrayed with a paintbrush instead of a hammer.

The only issue I have with this chapter, which, perhaps will not be an issue in chapters to come is that there are question raised, but none are answered. This chapter moves really fast, and I don't really understand why things are happening.
A) Who is Taranis' son? Is it Kaj?
B) ...Why exactly are they following them? I don't feel like this was really brought up. They were just like, "We must follow them immediately!" ...And we're left wondering why.

Question B, I feel, is the more vital of the two to this chapter. Without it, the reader is left kinda confused.

As I say all of this, I'm still kind of fangirling over these two new characters because I already love them, so I'll just end with another compliment on your fantastic characterization and how you've done such an excellent job capturing exactly who these two men are without bogging the flow down with a lot of details and history.

All reviews will be on time from now on,
Megs~




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Sun Apr 27, 2014 9:42 pm
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queerelves wrote a review...



Hey, Seb here for a review! I really like this piece, though regretfully, I haven't read the previous four chapters. But no worries, I'm planning to do that once review day is over :D

My favorite thing about this piece is the characters. I love the dialogue they have, and I love the way they interact. Even without having read your earlier chapters, I can tell they're complex, interesting characters, and I look forward to going back and reading more about them. I think they act realistically for the setting, which is impressive, since a lot of people struggle with writing in what I assume is a alternate medieval type of setting. I also like the way that Kostya treats Taranis as one is required to treat a king. From what I've read and learned about medieval-esque eras and settings, there are rigid social rules surrounding how one treats a king, and by acknowledging that, you made it all that more realistic.

My only nit pick is the repetition. You describe things the same way multiple times, like how you keep using the phrase "beloved wife." It's okay the first time, but after that it's best to either describe her a different way, or just say wife. Using "beloved" twice in such a short time frame is too much. In two places, you described the same way how they put their hands on the table. It stuck out as I was reading it, but it didn't seem to be for effect.

Agh, I really need to go read your other chapters now. Sorry I didn't do that first! Anyways, keep writing, because I'm looking forward to keeping reading!




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Sun Apr 27, 2014 9:40 pm
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Iggy wrote a review...



Hey Scar! <3

The clearing outside the cottagewas empty and silent.


Missing space is missing.

He was fine with that; he'd meet his son eventually, though.


Cut out that "though" for a smoother flow.

That made theo ther man's brown eyes narrow


... What? xD


Okay so I haven't read the previous chapters of this novel so I apologize if I get something wrong or just get confusing with my review. >_>

So Taranis is a king, eh? Or at least, he used to be, and Kostya used to be one of his subjects. I find it adorbs that Kostya still gives his king the respect he deserves, but why did he randomly start calling him "king" in the middle of the chapter? Especially since he yelled at him in the beginning, when dinner was ready. It seems he switches from considering Taranis his king to considering Taranis his equal, no?

From what I've seen so far, this looks good! Just a man on a mission to save his son, eh? I wonder what happened to the boy. I guess that's what happens when you flip open a book and read a chapter in the middle without reading the beginning. <_<

This has some nice elements of imagery in it. I do think you could do better with showing Taranis' emotions and how he feels over the absence of his son. I'd like to see some inner thoughts, the turmoil this is putting him through. But other than that, this looks good so far. ^^

Hope this helps.

~Iggy




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Sun Apr 27, 2014 4:35 pm
Ventomology wrote a review...



Hmm... Where is your sage? I would have expected them to come around by now.
Anyways, there is a typo in the third-to-last paragraph. You misspelled recognize. (Why in the world does that have a 'z'?)
Also, I believe 'Sire' should be capitalized, as it is a title. (Second to last)
So... while you do a good job of not starting with the same word for every sentence, I do believe you could stand to start with a few more dependent clauses. It's a little weird, seeing everything start with the subject of the sentence.
Great job with the action though. I noticed very few cases of passive voice, which makes everything stand out so much more. And also, the fact that you incorporated so much of it into the dialogue was brilliant! It really helps set the characters on edge.
And for plot. I really should have read the first chapter, because I get that feeling that I missed something. Am I correct in thinking that Devon is Taranis's son? I applaud you for making me have to piece everything together. I love it when characters talk about something and don't explain because they don't have to in their world. It makes everything seem more natural.
Hmmm... I think that's it from me. All this unexplained mystery has me hooked, so great job, Scar!
Ciao!





Only the suppressed word is dangerous.
— Ludwig Borne