Folie a deux

Disco's not dead, I say. Let's jam.

First, let's tackle mechanics since you chose to structure this poem. I'm particular about proper mechanics because I'm really a free-verse guy at heart, and when a poem incorporates rhyme and rhythm, it had better do it properly. Let's start by establishing the parameters you gave yourself:

My sister and I fought dragons; (8 syllables, Rhyme A)
took on beast with blade and won. (7 syllables, Rhyme B)
Now I'm alone to fight my dreams, (8 syllables, Rhyme C)
because two has now become one. (8 syllables, Rhyme B)

Personally, I would have given line four 7 syllables to smooth out the flow of the rhythm--that's what beats and line breaks and all this mechanical jazz is about--and it would be very easy to cut down one syllable. Just keep this pattern in mind for the remainder of the stanzas because you deviate from it without success. Now, the deal with loose quatrains is that each stanza can have its own parameters. A general rule of thumb, though, is that odd-numbered lines tend to work best as the longer lines; it's the way human speech is conditioned, but that's a poetry lesson, not a review.

We dreamed of things together (7 syllables, Rhyme A)
took on worlds you could not conceive (8 syllables, Rhyme B)
In slumber we were side by side (8 syllables, Rhyme C)
we swore that we would never leave. (8 syllables, Rhyme B)

This stanza is mechanically messy, rhythmically speaking. Line one needs a syllable, line two and four need to lose one each for them to flow nicely. I'd suggest changing "took on" to a monosyllabic verb (i.e. saw, braved, trumped, etc.) that packs a bit of a punch. "Took on" is weak sauce, anyway. Line four can simply lose "that" and maintain structure, meaning, and power.

We conquered all together (7 syllables, Rhyme A)
and no-one could say we were wrong. (8 syllables, Rhyme B)
But what am I supposed to do now, (9 syllables, Rhyme C)
that half of one is gone? (6 syllables, Rhyme B)

Line one can succeed with the addition of "it" after "conquered". Line two can lose its "and" and be safe in structure and power. Line three actually works with how lengthy and mechanic-breaking it is. I prefer it that way because it segues into the introduction of her death. Line four could better read as "that the other half is gone".

When twins dream they dream together. (8 syllables, Rhyme A)
The name is Folie a deux. (7 syllables, Rhyme B)
But my dear sweet sister, (6 syllables, Rhyme C, slant to A)
how can I dream without you? (7 syllables, Rhyme B)

Technically (I'm such a pedant), Folie a deux should be italicized as it's a French term, and yada yada, all non-english terms must be italicized in proper formatting. Line three needs some attention, but I'll leave it to you. The flow is heavily interrupted here, and it weakens an already crippled stanza. The only thing this part has going for it is the titular phrase. I'd definitely give this some attention and surgery.

It has been a year now, (6 syllables, Rhyme A)
but since you went away. (6 syllables, Rhyme B)
My once colourful dreams (6 syllables, Rhyme C)
are now a shade of grey. (6 syllables, Rhyme B)

By its own parameters, this stanza works mechanically, but be aware that it changes your momentum, which is generally a big thing; however, in this case, I like it. It helps recover from the slower stanza above. The sentiment here is pretty weak. I would prefer a recycled motif from the adventures you two had together, maybe how you can't slay a dragon alone. Get creative and remember to keep your words tied together.

My sister and I fought dragons; (8 syllables, Rhyme A)
took on beast with blade a won. (7 syllables, Rhyme B)
But since she passed away, (6 syllables, Rhyme C)
all my dreams are gone. (5 syllables, Rhyme B)

Okay, so the last two lines are mechanically broken, but you can fix them on your own. I say this not because I'm bored, but because this ending feels weak. I mean, there's a certain prize to be had for a whisper-end, but it just feels lacking. I do appreciate the returned motif of the dragon/beast, but the last two lines need some attention. You have potential here for a very emotive poem; be sure not to let your parameters get the best of you.

Lumi

I recognise the title of this.
You are a F.O.B fan right?

Now for the actual poem...

'My sister and I fought dragons;

took on beast with blade and won.

Now I'm alone to fight my dreams,

because two has now become one.'

The opening of the poem is rather sad because it indicates loss. But it is well conveyed.

'We dreamed of things together;

took on worlds you could not conceive.

In slumber we were side by side;

we swore that we would never leave.'

This again communicates the tragedy of a loss and how you can never achieve the things you wanted to do because that person is no longer around. This sounds very authentic, I hope you haven't based this on an actual loss, because that would be too sad. -hugs-

'We conquered all together

and no-one could say we were wrong.

But what am I supposed to do now,

that half of one is gone?'

I particularly adore the last line because it's so sad. And melancholy and just. Awwww. Beautifully captures the grief.

'When twins dream they dream together.

The name is Folie a deux.

But my dear sweet sister,

how can I dream without you?'

this makes a lot of sense now because the twins are so closely intertwined and it makes it all the more heartbreaking.

'It has been a year now,

but since you went away.

My once colourful dreams

are now a shade of grey.'

*sniff* This is horrible. but still incredibly well written.

'My sister and I fought dragons;

took on beast with blade a won.

But since she passed away,

all my dreams are gone.'

Bawls.

I cannot fault this piece. it is flawless. The only thing I would say is: you are an incredibly talented writer.
Congratulations!

Young Writers Society

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