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Young Writers Society


16+ Language Violence Mature Content

Omens of Disgrace - Chapter Four

by ScarlettFire


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language, violence, and mature content.

Alrighty. Here it is. The next chapter. Review, comment, crit, etc, is welcome. Enjoy!

Word Count: 2079 words.

Chapter Four

The camp was finally silent, which meant Kaj could probably try to get some sleep now. He figured it was early morning, sometime before dawn. Devon was a strange man, and he had even stranger magic. Kaj had never seen anything like it before. Yes, he'd taken a chance to examine the older man's magic while they talked. He didn't think Devon had noticed; the man had seemed somewhat preoccupied. One thing he did know? Devon's magic was dark. Not in the sense that the man used it for the worse, but in the sense that that was how it was when he'd been born. Kaj could understand. His magic wasn't dark, but it sure had some quirks.

Then, of course, there was Devon's insistence that he'd tried to kill the Conquerer's favourite magechild. His favourite toy. Kaj did not like it when someone referred to another living being as a toy. It was a little insulting, really. And to think the boy was a mage as well. That had been an interesting discovery. Then there was that whole deja vu moment. Kaj wasn't sure why he thought Devon was so familiar to him, and he'd probably never find out.

Kaj glanced towards the entrance to his tent. It was tied shut, just as it had been for the past three hours. He was glad his men knew not to disturb him when the tent flaps were closed. Kaj swallowed and turned to pace the empty area between his cot and the entrance of his tent. He remembered what had happened earlier, his little talk to Devon and the snippets of truth he'd gotten. Devon told him an interesting story, nonetheless. Somehow, Kaj wasn't sure if that story of trying to kill the Conquerer's favourite toy was the complete truth, or not. And somehow, he had this nagging thought that it hadn't quite gone down the way the older man had said.

Regardless, Devon was an interesting man. Kaj turned to sit down on his cot, frowning a little bit. He remembered what he'd said about Devon earlier, to the man's face. I'm not sure if you're crazy or stupid. Kaj smiled, although it was slightly bitter, and let his chin rest on his hand, elbow on his knee. "Perhaps both," he muttered, somewhat thoughtuflly and with a fonder smile than before. "You are a strange one, Devon."

It wasn't long after that when he felt it. Thin threads of dark magic were snaking through the camp. He blinked, sitting up straighter. It was magic that could only be Devon's. He'd examined it thoroughly enough to know that much. What is he up to? Kaj thought, frowning again. Surely he's not trying to escape already.

Kaj sat up straighter, frown turning into a scowl as he monitored the other man's magic use. Why was he trying to coax the fire towards him? He stood up, sending a trendel of his own magic out after it. He was careful not to let Devon know what he was doing as he watched the other man's magic snaking towards the fire. Devon was, indeed, trying to coax the fire towards him.

Probably hoping for even a spark, Kaj thought, scowling. Fire was as fickle as the ocean, though, so Devon probably wouldn't be able to manage it. Kaj could, but only because he'd had a very good teacher. After all, the man who found him was a brillant mage. Kaj was just frustrated because he couldn't tell the others that the old man was still alive. Then again, that was probably for the best. The old man hadn't been that popular by the end of it all.

Devon's magical hold on the fire flickered, causing the spark he had gotten ahold of to fade into nothing. Kaj smirked, and proceeded to intercept the older man's magic. He felt Devon recoil, crying out. The smirk was wiped off his face. He hadn't meant to hurt the man, but inadvertedly, he had. Kaj sighed. That wasn't good. Kaj figured he'd have to go fix that, but not right now. He continued to monitor Devon for a while longer, but the man didn't reach out with his magic again, and eventually he fell asleep.

Kaj was glad for that. He drew his magic back into himself and went over to the entrance to his tent, pulling the ties loose. He felt like he needed to go for a walk. The tent fabric rustled as he pulled one of the flaps back. Kaj nodded to Silus, who was currently on watch. Silus nodded back before he attention was back on the sleeping Devon. Kaj studied the other man for a moment. Devon was definitely asleep, slumped against the tree at the edge of the circle of firelight. Kaj could barely see him in the semi-darkness, but that wasn't much of a hinderance. If he really wanted, Kaj could just look for the other man's magic. Every mage's magical signature was different. Most were easy to identify, if you know where to look and how to see it. Kaj had been able to see it from the start, and he later learnt from the old man that it was normal. He saw in colours and their various shades. Devon's was a deep, dark violet-red colour. Similar to dried blood.

"How is he?" Kaj asked as he reached Silus's side. The other man grunted and shifted his weight from one foot to the other. Kaj crossed his arms over his chest. It was cold outside, and he couldn't understand how Silus stood around out there without any extra clothing. "No trouble so far?"

"He's behaving," Silus told him, glancing his way before he turned to stare at the Belasi slave. "Been pretty quiet, though. No trouble. Yet."

"That's good." Kaj nodded, turning more towards Silus. "What about you? You're not cold?"

Silus chuckled. "About as cold as a fish outta water, Cap'n."

Kaj shook his head, amused. "You've always been an odd one, haven't you, Silus?"

"No odder than you, sir."

"No, I imagine not," he muttered, dragging one arm free to rub a hand over his face. Gods, he was tired. "You think he's telling the truth, Silus?"

Silus turned towards him, raising an eyebrow. They stared at each other for a long moment before Kaj turned away and Silus exhaled. Devon was still slumped against the tree, still asleep. Kaj was sure if it was the effects of his magic interferring with Devon's, or something else, but either way, he had a feeling the man wouldn't wake until the sun was up. And dawn was only a few ours away.

"Not sure," Silus finally said, replying to Kaj's question. "He seems like he's the type to be truthful, unless he has something to hide." Silus shifted his stance again, readjusting his hold on the musket he held. Kaj had made sure all weapons, except for their swords and daggers, had been squestered away while the Belasians were around. Now, he'd let them carry their flintlocks around freely. "And I'm pretty sure he's got something to hide, Cap'n. I don't buy that story about the Conquerer and his little magechild."

Kaj cast his friend a slanted look. "You and me both, Silus," he said. "You and me both."

Silus nodded. "He avoided looking at you," the other man grunted, frowning. "I don't know if you'd noticed it or not, Cap'n."

He frowned at the other man, considering that little tidbit of information. "He seemed focused on Baraq, didn't he?" Kaj asked, turning to look down at Devon. "I hadn't thought much of it at the time, but now it makes me wary. Doesn't it make you think he's hiding something, Silus?"

"He sure seemed more concerned about Baraq;s attention than he did about yours, Cap'n," Silus replied, nodding to the man tied to a tree. Kaj caught the movement out of the corner of his eye. He didn't comment, keeping his gaze on Devom while Silus seemed to be confused. "I dunno why he ran away from the Belasian palace, and I sure don't know why he'd want to head for Verlisia."

Kaj sighed. "I do," he said, turning away from Silus and their captive. "Havarti is under Belasi's control. That means the Conquerer knows of everything that happens within those borders." He slanted Silus another look. Silus stared back at him, seemingly waiting. "That means he couldn't have run east even if he had wanted to. He would have been caught within days of crossing the eastern border. And Droa is north of Havarti. From what I've heard, it seems they've allied themselves with the Conquerer." Kaj watched as realisation dawned on Silus's face. "That means his only hope for safety, Silus, was to head west."

"To us," Silus added, turning to look towards their captive with new eyes. "He's a refugee, not just a runaway."

"Indeed," Kaj said with a nod. "Which is why we're not going to sell him to the highest bidder."

Silus frowned. "Why not, Cap'n?"

He exhaled, loudly. "Did you not just hear me, Silus?"

"I heard you, Cap'n, no worries. I just don't understand why we ain't sellin' him yet."

Kaj turned back to Silus, glancing past him to take in Devon's sleeping form. "We're not selling him because I think he's hiding something," he told the other man. "And I want to know what. Besides, he could have information useful to our cause."

"You mean it could help with the war, Cap'n?"

"Yes, that's exactly what I mean," he said, and turned away again. Kaj rubbed at his face again, blinking tiredly. Definitely tired; he needed to sleep. "I'm going back to bed, Silus. I need the rest. Keep an eye on him, will you? I don't want him causing any trouble. Do whatever you deem nessecary short of damaging him badly or abusing him. I don't want to find him broken when I wake up."

"Yes, sir," Silus called after him. "I'll keep him in line without too much damage. Might have a few bruises if he plays up, but I'll try to keep him mostly together."

"Good," Kaj replied, somewhat absently. "I expect to see him with as little damage as possible. Goodnight, Silus."

"Night, Cap'n."

Kaj went back to his tent, glancing out across the camp. He could see that a majority of it had been packed up at some point. Probably when they'd had to move it and set up again. He figured that was Silus and Baraq's idea, keeping as muc has possibly packed up and using as little of it as they could to set up an overnight camp. Well, less than overnight but it worked. They all needed the sleep. Except Silus, it seemed. Kaj was used to that. Silus truly was an odd one. Devon as stranger still. And he was a bit of a mystery. A mystery Kaj felt determined to unravel. Or perhaps compelled was a better way to put it? Either way; Devon was hiding something and Kaj wanted--and needed--to know what that was.

He made it back to his tent and shuffled through the entrance, pulling the tent flap back over the gap as he did so. Kaj was very tired now, and he was sure Baraq and the others were fast asleep. For now, though, he figured things could wait until morning. Kaj went to his cot and stood there for a moment, considering his options. He'd take Devon with them on their way back towards the nearest military base, which should be several days to the south-west. Then he could work on getting that information out of Devon. It might not be much, but it was probably more important than Devon thought it was.

Kaj removed his sword from his belt, setting it down on the floor beside his cot, well within reach. Then he set on removing his pistol and it's holster from the belt. That he put beneath his pillow. It wouldn't do for him to be woken abruptly and findhis sword missing. Hence the flintlock beneath his pillow. His dagger, he'd put beside it. Once he was done with that, he laid down on the cot and stared up at the canvas roof of his tent until sleep claimed him. It was going to be an interesting day when he woke up in a few hours with the dawn.


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Snowery wrote a review...



Hey Scarli!

I don't really have much to say for this chapter, probably because it was really good :) So I'll just go through some quick general comments. First, it was nice to get to know a little more about Kaj, we now know that he has magic and has been trained by an old teacher. I found one comment interesting:

"You mean it could help with the war, Cap'n?”


So are they part of this war? Are they rebels maybe? Or Versilian nationalitsts who want to stop the Conqueror from invading?

One thing I would have liked to have seen a little more in this chapter was Kaj thinking a little more about his purposes and his problems. He seems to be strangely obsessed with his handsome stranger's predicament. That's cool and all but I think just to give it that extra edge and dimension, just have him pondering on something else as well and maybe from there his thoughts keep turning back to Devon's odd situation. Even if it's just thinking about random and ordinary stuff, it's always good to make your story as round and full as possible (which your story is by the way!)

Anyway, sorry this was a short review :( but it's because it was a good chapter :) I hope to get to the rest of your chapters soon. Keep up the awesome work and happy writing! :) :)

Silverlock




timmyjake says...


Looking awesome, Silver! :D



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megsug wrote a review...



Hey Scarlett~
This chapter is one of the slower ones so far, but that's cool. Every book has one. I'm very intrigued with this magic system and can't wait to see what it's really all about. I also love how every magic user seems to not completely understand what their magic can do. That's really cool.

I notice you have quite a bit of repetition. When you reread for typos I'd keep an eye out for words that are too close together, and sentence structure as Buggie mentioned. You have a lot of choppy sentences where you could merge them. When you're talking about what Kaj is thinking you often repeat Kaj again and again. You also use Kaj to start very often. You just need to make note of it when you get to editing.

As far as character development goes, Kaj is moving along nicely. He's becoming more and more fleshed out. I love how he's tough but not heartless.
What I would love to see is more characterization for Silus. He's in a large part of the chapter, but we don't really know that much about him. You started to get into his personality with his response of "as cold as a fish out of water" but you don't say anything more about why that was his reply. We basically get, "He's such a weirdo" and nothing more. I mean, does he really think that that means something or is he just messing around? I would highly suggest some movements during your dialogue other than the occasional frown. Body language can play a huge role in characterization.

Another thing I noticed is Kaj's character seems a little inconsistent during his conversation with Silas. I get the feeling that he's a leader who's obviously a leader, but he also respects his men (maybe my vibes are wrong). But around here:

"I dunno why he ran away from the Belasian palace, and I sure don't know why he'd want to head for Verlisia."
...
"Yes, that's exactly what I mean,"

Kaj seems very condescending towards Silas. That doesn't really seem consistent, but it's still early in the book.

Those were the main issues I could see. I can't wait to see what happens with Devon next. What has Kaj done to him?

Keep writing,
Megs~




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McMourning wrote a review...



They're right that this is a well-written piece, but I'd like more details.
Here are some questions I have to get you thinking about other things you can add.

What's Devon trying to do with the fire? When you said he was trying to move it, I thought he just wanted to get warmer. Maybe Kaj doesn't want him to get warmer because he's a prisoner. Or maybe Kaj thinks he's going to use the fire to hurt someone.

When Kaj intercepts Devon's magic, he hurts Devon and says he'll fix it. Is this a physical hurt? Did he accidentally burn him when he intercepted the magic? Or is it a magical hurt, like he reduced his powers? Kaj goes outside to talk to Silus, but I don't remember him ever "fixing it". Does Kaj ever fix it? If so, what exactly does he do? If it was physical, the reader should see him heal the wound.

You probably had all these details in mind. Don't forget to write them down, so readers can enjoy them, too.




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Iggy wrote a review...



Hey Scar! You're my 700th review. ^^

One quick nitpick:

"He sure seemed more concerned about Baraq;s attention


Baraq's*


Okay, so I can't help but wonder if one of these three men could be Taranis' son? Maybe? Hmmm... but the fact that Devon has dark magic and is yet still held captive is curious. Is he being restrained by something? Clearly he still has some control over his magic and can use it, as we saw when Kaj noticed the dark magic sneaking about the campsite.

You're awesome with descriptive details, Scar. I loved this. I love the imagery that laces majority of the sentences and brings everything to life in my mind. Everything is detailed so nicely and told with smooth narration so the chapter overall is easy to read and easy to follow. It's making me want to read the other chapters so I might just do that. You've got a way with words. I also felt the dialogue was smooth and transitions were strong. ^^ Overall, this was a nicely paced chapter with some action here, some calm here, and overall very interesting and captivating.

Hope that helps!

~Iggy




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fallenoutofgrace wrote a review...



Hi fallen here to review ya. First off I love how you set your chapter up. I like how you explain everything and uses imagery from the thought of kaj has; to the using magic to accidently on purpose hurt the old man devon. I also like how you describe how the magic is sent back to them the feeling of sending it back it was a nice touch. I enjoyed the remark kaj has about any living thing being called a toy being a slight insult I liked it because it showed his thinking a little more well done. Next, I also liked how this was not rushed at all you took your time and made sure everything went together and made sense as well, so well done. I enjoy how you make your charcters different such as Kaj seems to be the one of the group that thinks more of te what if and how it can affect one another versus the fight first ask questions later. I do not see any grammical errors off the bat. Overall Way to go and I can not wait until the next chapter.
~Fallen




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Ventomology wrote a review...



The UC returns!
Okay... first, my one nitpick:
"keeping as muc has possibly packed up and using as little of it as they could" Several things are wrong here. And it was weird seeing that since the rest was practically perfect.
For grammar, there are a few commas that should either disappear or be added in, and one or two minor typos.
The way you explain Kaj's thoughts is a little wordy. I'd try to leave some things out, imply others, and let your reader connect some of the dots themselves. In general though, Kaj seems to treat others like they're not too bright. He almost always rephrases questions when he answers, which is a little weird, and doesn't talk with much slang or casualness.
Your sentences also could use a little more length diversity. I noticed you did a great job with structure, but most of the sentences are either compound or short. Try to find the perfect balance between complexity and simple, as it makes writing look very mature.
Well. That's it for the technical department.
For characters, I do like how we got to see further into the lives of Kaj and his group. And the way the magic worked-Awesome! I'd like to see more indirect characterization, but overall I think you did fine for character development.
As for plot... I almost feel like this chapter was part filler. It might have been more fun to see Devon racking his brains to try to figure out Kaj's motives. Or see some action to set the story rolling a bit faster. All this reiterating of old knowledge is a little weird.
Well... I'm just being picky now, so I'd better leave off with something nice.
I saw that you used 'hence'. You are officially the best.
Good luck with the contest!





The good ended happily, and the bad unhappily. That is what Fiction means.
— Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest