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Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Escape From Rainbowland Chapter 3

by lostthought


It was humid. When the sun finally came up, I was glad for the light. Now the light seems like a curse, for its rays burn my skin. David isn't speaking to me. Instead he glances at me from time to time with sad, puppy dog eyes that seem to search my soul. He acts like a scolded dog, too loyal to leave but scared to death of more punishment. I go talk to him.

I burst out, "David, I know you are mad at me for not considering your wonderful suggestion of staying back at camp, but can you please stop looking at me with those puppy dog eyes? They are kinda freaking me out." He considers it, his hand on his chin thoughtfully.

"Fine. But you must listen to everything I say. I have no time being disobeyed by you lowly peasants for I am the leader," David says. He smiles, but the smile doesn't reach his eyes like it does his lips.

Another Scout, an elderly woman named Addie, tells David, "We should stop. The day has come through the darkness and those who are hungry wish to eat." She gives me a look of distaste for reasons unknown.

David responds, "Go tell them they have a hour to eat and rest. Also tell Ben not to eat all of his food again." Addie nods stiffly and runs to tell everyone else. In the meantime, I start to munch on a piece of rabbit meat that one of the cooks gave to me. Halfway through it, I see David picking at his gumfruit.

"You know, meat isn't that bad. You can have a bit of my rabbit," I offer.

He gives me a strange look, "You know that I don't eat meat. I'm strictly vegetarian. I'm quite content on this gumfruit." I roll my eyes. He has been a vegetarian since he saw his first dead person eaten by an Unicorn. He must still crave meat, even if the craving is barely there.

I take another bite of rabbit meat. I blink, and next thing I know is that I'm sitting on the ground. David is yelling at everyone to get up and go. I try to do just that and I finally get hit by the pain.

The pain spreads through my entire left arm. It feels as though a thousand hot knives dig themselves into my arm. A quick glance tells me that an arrow protrudes from both sides of the fleshy part of my left arm. As I stare transfixed at the blood ribbons trailing down my arm, someone wraps their arms around my waist and pull. The pain grows and I black out.

My arm feels stiff and heavy. I try to flex it, but find that I can't due to the moss-like cast on it. It throbs duly, but the pain is barely there. Soft conversations and moans of pain make me look up. Then I gasp in surprise.

Some Scouts lay on the ground. They are missing entire limbs, most of the time an arm or leg. In a panic, I look around for David. I find him lying under the shade of a nearby tree. He sits up when I approach, his hand holding a bloodied piece of moss to face.

"David," I say, examining the camp around us. "What in the world happened? I wake up to this and see that some are missing a limb. Did anyone-"

He cuts me off, "Shush, Jewel. None died, at least not yet. We were attacked by friendly neighborhood Gummy bears. You got off better than some, pain wise. After the first arrow was shot, I managed to hide you under a bush. Sarah lost an arm while protecting your passed out butt. You may want to talk to her."

He groans. I notice that he is paler than usual. "David, are you alright? You look really pale. How long was I out?"

He turns away, "I'm fine, just a little scratch on my cheek is all. You were out for a day. Getting that arrow out of you was very painful for you. We were waiting for you wake up so we can get started back to camp. It's a two day journey from here."

I turn him back my way. Crouching down next to him, I pull the moss away from his cheek. A "little scratch"? A chunk of his cheek is gone and the flesh around it looks infected. A long suppressed moan escapes his mouth as I poke it softly.

Pulling David into a standing position with my good arm, I declare, "We are going today. Tell everyone to get up. We have to get back to camp soon, before anyone dies. You need help, and we can't get help here." David lumbers off to tell the others as I go to the heavily wounded. Among them is Sarah. She is soothing another Scout, one who is crying.

"We are going now. You have to get to camp before any of those injuries get infected, and if that happens, you are in a world of trouble. Sarah, a word please," I say.

Sarah follows me and listens as I speak, "I heard you protected me while I was blacked out. You kept me from being murdered and you must an arm for your troubles. I can never repay you for it. However, I can say thank you."

She pats my back and smiles. After handing me the nut I gave her yesterday, she starts to help everyone else up. Sarah is a sweet girl but I worry about her. She puts her own life below others. I can only wonder as to how she became that way.

After a bit, everyone is up as ready to go. Addie is being supported by Sarah. Only when I look down can I see that Addie's foot is missing. I grip my knife before walking to the front.

A new piece of moss takes place on David's cheek. He holds a bow in his hand and has some arrows to go with it. I recognize the arrows as the save ones the Gummy bears shot at me. He yells, "Alright! Listen up. Camp is about two days walk away. Each afternoon we will set up camp in, hopefully, a cave. Jewel will take the back. Let's go!"

I wait for everyone to pass me before getting to the back. If we do get back to the real world, will our lives ever be the same?


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133 Reviews


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Wed Apr 16, 2014 9:52 am
PiesAreSquared wrote a review...



I'm going to go point by point where I dislike what or how you write. Call me a sour lemon, this work is great. I am bad on praises, as you very well know. *sagely strokes beard*


"David, I know you are mad at me for not considering your wonderful suggestion of staying back at camp, but can you please stop looking at me with those puppy dog eyes? They are kinda freaking me out."


This comes across as very sarcastic, as is the reply. I can't reconcile not talking and bursts of sarcasm.


He smiles, but the smile doesn't reach his eyes like it does his lips.

I absolutely detest the beauty of this statement. Why can't i write as beautifully? I suppose it has something to do with personal appearances.

She gives me a look of distaste for reasons unknown.


I would prefer if you split this into two sentences. It makes for a greater punch. She gives me a look of distaste. I couldn't fathom the provocation.

He has been a vegetarian since he saw his first dead person eaten by an Unicorn.


Awkward sentence. His person? First and dead are adjectives, so his person makes little sense since his persons is still around.

For the rest of the story, I think your dialogue is kickarse.

Keep it up!!!




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Mon Apr 14, 2014 4:29 am
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Ventomology wrote a review...



Yo! I'm back, Lost!
Anywho, before I roll out the technical stuff, let's catch some nitpicks. With butterfly nets.
"You kept me from being murdered and you must an arm for your troubles" Uh... wrong verb I think.
"A new piece of moss takes place on David's cheek." Takes what place? It's place? The place of the old moss? The sentence isn't wrong grammatically, it's just worded weird.
TECHNIQUE:
First, dialogue! Everything sounds a bit stiff, and that's for a few reasons: The first is that people aren't using enough contractions. No 'do not's, just 'don't's. And second, there doesn't seem to be enough emotion. People don't just talk straight like this when they're all beaten up. More quivering voices, hiccups, crying, and stuttering. More emotion.
And then, my other thing today is sentence variation. While you at least managed to avoid the perpetual 'I did this' structure by starting with a different character or object, you still began with the subject of the sentence almost every time. Start with a clause, or an 'ing' word, or an adverb. (Just... don't overdo it.)
Now then, onto plot/characters!
Uh... it's a little disappointing that Jewel was out-of-it for the fight. I wanted to see your fight-scene capabilities. Anyway, I think it's about time for us to get some clues. Build the suspense! Start the characters on a grand escape plot. Throw us some red-herrings or something to get the story rolling again. I'm not saying that the plot is bad, but it seems to lack direction. (Of course, mine do too at first, so I shouldn't even be talking.)
And... that's it from me! I'm being mean and we know it.
Ciao!





Remember, a stranger once told you that the breeze here is something worth writing poems about.
— Shinji Moon