z

Young Writers Society


12+ Language

The Dare

by Sunshine101


"Damn it!" I whispered. Why was this so difficult? This dare was crossing the line and I was drowning in my frustration. I should have mentioned something earlier...when I had the chance.

I tried one more time, hoping my footsteps wouldn't make another screeching noise. I slowly opened the door to the (quite large) master bedroom, and carefully tiptoed across the wooden floor. I realized that even though I've been at Jennie's house many times, I've never stepped foot into her parent's bedroom.

I took a moment to take it all in. The first thing I noticed were the shaky shadows dancing across the pale walls. The moon, which happened to be full that night, was casting a beam before the ruffled curtains that hung alongside the open windows. There were elegant picture frames with countless pictures of Jennie and her older brother, Ken. They looked adorable together. It's to bad Ken has to leave for college. I studied the atmosphere some more. My eyes were drawn to the luxurious and humongous king sized bed that was placed center in the room. I couldn't make out every detail in faint light but the bed was definitely one of a kind.

The only thing that was ruining the perfect image was two loud, snoring things lying on the flawless bed.

"Come on!" Jennie complained. I shushed her back, hoping that she would shut up if she wanted me to do this.

She was watching me from outside the room, seeing if I would chicken out. She wishes!

Although I wanted to prove myself worthy to Jennie, I started questioning myself.

Why did I have to do this? Why did I have to mess with everything that's perfectly fine the way it is now?

I had a bunch of other "why" questions but I wasn't in the mood to replay all the things wrong with my life.

That's when I snapped back into reality, and realized that I'm being timed with the task that I must face. I decided that If I was done with "Why" questions than I might as well go into "Whats."

What if they wake up?

What if I don't succeed?

What if I get caught?

What if I DIE?!

That probably won't happen but still, I was shaking with fear.

I took a deep breath and carefully placed my foot in front of the other.

I am making progress and that's all that matters.

I did the same thing a few more times until I placed my foot wrongly.

I heard a long, loud moan coming from the surface. I, too, was about to cry out when I remembered that I'm in the middle of a dare. I quickly put my hand over my mouth to block any careless words that would fly out before it was too late.

It was a mistake coming here.

I should've said no, no matter how persuasive Jennie could be.

I'm not going to give up now! I've already made it half way across the room and there was no way I was going back. Not now.

I pushed myself, (like I haven't already?) and took another step. To my satisfaction, I didn't create the tiniest sound, yet Jennie's father groaned and rolled over. He was incredibly close to falling off the bed and I didn't want to be there if that happened.

I was so close. I could see myself rubbing my victory in Jennie's jealous face. I reached out to grasp the frigid knob of the bathroom door. I twisted it open and stepped in.

This was my task,

this was my dare,

and I was about to do the unspeakable.


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Reviews: 20

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Fri Apr 25, 2014 6:14 pm
Sylar14 wrote a review...



I like this! I like it a lot!
And, despite it not being very professional (pff, like I'm professional in the first place), I demand that you write more! There has to be more! I wanna know what the unspeakable is! THE SUSPENSE WILL KILL ME!

A saw a few mistakes with tenses. One for example being Line 6 in Paragraph 3.
"It's to bad Ken has to leave for college."
I think "has" should be "had". Also (I just noticed), "to" should be "too".

But really, that's the only things that I noticed that would need fixing. (That, and the fact that you need to write more)

I hope this helped in some way shape or form!
Please keep writing! You've got a real talent!

~Sylar




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267 Reviews


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Sun Mar 30, 2014 6:20 pm
Nike wrote a review...



Hello! Happy Review Day! I'm Nike.

First off, your story is pretty interesting. It catches the readers' attention. I want to know what's going on, why is it going on, and what is going to happen next. Your main character seems to have a huge task at hand and I want to know what it is.

The thing that bugs me is the parenthesis.

I slowly opened the door to the (quite large) master bedroom, and carefully tiptoed across the wooden floor.


Are they thoughts? If so, than I won't budge to say anything about it. When I make thoughts in stories, or highlight something, I usually italicize. It kind of makes the readers' attention brighter by seeing italics.

There are no spelling mistakes. No grammar mistakes. And your writing style is good. I can tell you have your own way of writing which really works for the reader. You don't detail if you don't have to, and when you do, your detail is great.

I liked your story, thought it was an interesting way to write about a dare. It's got a cliff hanging which I have hate and love relationships with. I can't wait to read more if you'll add more!

¬ Nike




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Sat Mar 22, 2014 12:33 am
LiptonCookie wrote a review...



Though I have read many stories, both short and long, revolving around a dare, this was a different take from the rest. You don't necessarily focus on the external conflict of the character and the dare, but rather, their internal. However it seemed to drag.

My impression on the plot...well, needless to say, I felt that it was underdeveloped. Yes, I understand that this is a short story, but even so, enough details should have been provided to give readers a little more insight as to the gist of the story. Though the title already clues readers in on what to expect, I feel that there wasn't much to say. It felt like it dragged on unnecessarily without proper understanding as to what was happening.

I do, however, like the voice you gave to the narrator. The narrator was fitting for the story, as she exaggerated her situation and in her internal conflict, panicked like anyone would. She is determined and is the epitome of anyone pressured into doing a dare. Additionally, it wasn't as mundane as other stories, but not exactly as eye-popping. Perhaps development and more wording like the third paragraph would have aided you in how efficient your story would end up becoming.

On the note of the third paragraph...

I took a moment to take it all in. The first thing I noticed were the shaky shadows dancing across the pale walls. The moon, which happened to be full that night, was casting a beam before the ruffled curtains that hung alongside the open windows. There were elegant picture frames with countless pictures of Jennie and her older brother, Ken. They looked adorable together. It's to bad Ken has to leave for college. I studied the atmosphere some more. My eyes were drawn to the luxurious and humongous king sized bed that was placed center in the room. I couldn't make out every detail in faint light but the bed was definitely one of a kind.


I loved the language you used in here. You illustrated not blatantly described dully like "shadows were on the walls." Instead, you used verbs in place of adjectives. I only wish you carried this style throughout the rest of the story.

Nonetheless, I hope you find this feedback as helpful as possible in improving your future work. Your story had a good tone and voice and all you need to do is try to develop the story more so that it could become clearer to readers.




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Thu Mar 20, 2014 11:03 am
DrFeelGood wrote a review...



Hey there Gaurav here for a review!

My first thoughts on the story are that it is refreshingly original. I have never read something like this before. However you have plenty of room to improve yourself. I am going to ignore grammar errors or typos because they aren't very distracting in the story.

"Damn it!" I whispered. Why was this so difficult? This dare was crossing the line and I was drowning in my frustration. I should have mentioned something earlier...when I had the chance.


The opening paragraph of your story is quite confusing and I as a reader had no idea what was happening. I would strongly recommend you to rewrite it because you may lose some potential readers to due it.

Secondly I find the story more dramatic than humorous. There is a lot of drama in it so I suggest you to shift it to the drama section. I didn't find it humorous but I have to tell you that your story is very engaging post the first two paragraphs.

I really like the descriptions and the timidity of your narrator. The character looks very real and comes alive with the description. Specially the climax scene, which is engrossing and exciting.

Overall it is a good story and few corrections will make it even better. Keep writing! :-)




Sunshine101 says...


Thnx for the review!
About the confusing part in the begining... I am going to have a chapter/part where the character goes back to the begining of the sleepover. I wrote it to be confusing on purpose so that as the reader reads the story, some confusions will clear up.



Gaurav009 says...


No issues with the story if there is going to be an additional chapter.



Sunshine101 says...


:)



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Thu Mar 20, 2014 2:40 am
Sunshine101 says...



Sorry guys...I think there are some typos...




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Thu Mar 20, 2014 2:30 am
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This is awesome!




Sunshine101 says...


Thank you so much!




We know what a person thinks not when he tells us what he thinks, but by his actions.
— Isaac Bashevis Singer