z

Young Writers Society


12+

Tin House

by Malooga


Symphonies of rain shatter silence,
as beds churn beneath warm flesh.

Harps of nature picked with ease,
temptation from a nimbus blossom

The seamstress shapes the blind,
tears wept by lovers lost forgotten-

while twisted digits caress the vice,
a crooked moan disturbs the eve.

Ecstasy erupts,
and wombs once sober are received-

'Neath the tin roof,
strumming the lovers lullaby.

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122 Reviews

Points: 2421
Reviews: 122

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Sun Mar 30, 2014 9:35 pm
Purple wrote a review...



Hey there! Purple here to give you a review! HAPPY REVIEW DAY!!! Let's get started.
I'm personally a huge fan of using nature in metaphor with emotions, it's just calming. Other than being beautiful, this makes a nice point about lost love. One nitpick
"tears wept by lovers lost forgotten-" Why is there a dash after this? It connects to while, or in use like a comma or semi-colon. Either way I think you don't need it. Since you start a new stanza after this it seems strange to linger from the last.
Happy writing and have a nice day!
~Purple




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78 Reviews

Points: 517
Reviews: 78

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Sun Mar 30, 2014 7:40 pm
Hadj wrote a review...



Hey there! Hadj reviewing for review day!
*cough cough blue team will win cough cough*

Anyways, this is a nice poem :)
Its category of "Fantasy" was very misleading and it wasn't at all what I suspected.
A few parts were confusing at first, but I understood it after reading it several times.
I love the way you personified the nature, and I also enjoyed the more foreboding lines such as the "crooked moan disturbs the eve"

Nice work. Creepy, interesting, and beautiful
Keep writing!
~Hadj




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933 Reviews

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Tue Mar 11, 2014 5:33 pm
Iggy wrote a review...



Hi Magoola! A belated welcome to YWS to you. :D

Nitpicks:

temptation from a nimbus blossom-


I'm confused as to why there's a dash at the end of this line. It doesn't look like you broke off in thought or anything. It's a bit distracting, so I suggest you change it to a period.

A note on your punctuation: I find it odd that you use commas and a dash, but no periods. It makes the poem look and feel unbalanced. I suggest adding in all of the punctuation. It's up to you, but I feel that the poem would be stronger if you add in periods and turn lines into whole sentences.

On the poem itself:

I just love that this is about sex. The fact that you're 27 makes it even better, so you must know what you're talking about, right? ;)

You did a beautiful job of describing the act without being crude, therefore making this poem short and sweet and something I enjoyed reading. Beautiful imagery was put into this, and the words you chose were strong, making the entire poem strong. The flow was clear and clean and smooth all around, despite the odd lack of punctuation (which I really think would make this even stronger, but then again, up to you)

Overall, this was just a beautiful piece of work. I think that every stanza was perfect, due to the choice of wording. I don't think there's one thing that needs to be fixed when it comes to the poem wording itself. It was a pleasure to read. Thanks for sharing. :)

And again, you win points for the poem subject. ;)




Malooga says...


You are correct that hyphen was misplaced, I fixed that error thank you for pointing it out to me. As for knowing a lot about sex, I'm sure everybody would like to think they do at the very least heh. I do agree the important part from a literary standpoint is to be vague, after all sex is first a mental transition before a physical one. However I do write straight forward sometime as well ;). Thanks so much for the review, I'll have to return the favor soon.



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17 Reviews

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Tue Mar 11, 2014 4:12 pm
EllaBliss wrote a review...



Hey! It's me, Ella. I'm going to review your poem!

Your poem is really good. The meaning of it is great, and your vocabulary is excellent. The problem is, you're missing the periods at the end of sentences! Even poetry needs punctuation. Keep that in mind while you're writing, alright? Also, near the end of the poem, the lines are getting shorter. Is that intentional? If not, maybe you could try making the sentences longer to match the size of the ones at the beginning.

Well, that's it for my review!
Signed, Ella.




Malooga says...


The punctuation most definitely needed some work. However I do not agree that line lengths should match simply for the aesthetic pleasure. Syllable counts should be similar, but unfortunately my poems don't typically have that either. I guess I'm just the bad-boy of stanza structure. ;) Thanks so much for your suggestions and kind words, I'll be sure to return the favor!




It suddenly struck me that that tiny pea, pretty and blue, was the Earth. I put up my thumb and shut one eye, and my thumb blotted out the planet Earth. I didn't feel like a giant. I felt very, very small.
— Neil Armstrong