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Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Mirror

by BrittanyNicole


Mirror

I reflect the woman

Who sighs as I let her down

The uncertain, reserved woman

She is calm, hesitance inside her

Squinting to see her soul

The more I stare

The more I see

I reflect the child

Who laughs and dances

The innocent, the carefree child

She is bright, a sparkle in her eye

Her soul clear as crystal

Intertwined these two beings

Like deep black coal that woman

Aged into a diamond this child

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Points: 275
Reviews: 8

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Sat Mar 08, 2014 5:16 am
taylor51599 wrote a review...



Hey Britt it's Taylor!!! I like this website. lol. well i wrote a short story and im gunna publish it later when i have enough points to. haha. well i like your poem. its really good. its late and im tired so im not gunna use correct capatalization and punctuation and all that ahaha. i can also relate to your poem. do you ever start crying and then just stare at yourself in the mirror and think about how beautiful and strong of a woman you have become? i do it all the time!!! i rate your poem at a 10... and a half xD. Well dip dip potato chip there's your review!!! TTYL gorgeous! :p




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155 Reviews

Points: 398
Reviews: 155

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Sat Mar 08, 2014 3:21 am
fallenoutofgrace wrote a review...



Hey there just agreeing with what camoryann said " This work is very very good. I am extremely impressed. You captured quite well a good majority of the things that i think about and see when i look in a mirror. I also have a poem about mirrors, you should read it i think you would really enjouy it. "
Very well done :3




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806 Reviews

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Wed Mar 05, 2014 10:14 pm
Aley wrote a review...



Hello BrittanyNicole,

I'm Aley here to review your poem.

It is interesting to take the perspective of the mirror instead of the perspective of the person looking at it. I like that aspect of this poem.

You have a strange use of punctuation, with the lack of periods and the use of commas. For me this works the best when you sentences are more translucent, in a way. You can overlap them and end up with different meanings depending on when you read it. The first sentence flows into the next sentence without faltering or pausing, and changes the idea from one to the next. This is done best with sentences that begin like another sentence ends, like using another at the end and beginning, you just put it once and keep the thought rolling. I feel like you tried to do that in a few places with this poem, but it didn't really work.

She is calm, hesitance inside her
Squinting to see her soul


In this case we have a sentence that is really multiple sentences. "She is calm" is a complete thought, and "hesitance" actually doesn't fit very well with the sentence. "Hesitant" would be more appropriate to talk about what she is. That doesn't seem to be what you're making though, although your end goal is mildly unclear. I am going to assume the end was supposed to be "There was hesitance inside her" or something like that. This section could you

She is bright, a sparkle in her eye


This is the same funky sentence structure as the previous one. There are a lot of possibilities for what this could have meant. "She is a bright sparkle in her eye" or "she is bright, with a sparkle in her eye"
With so many different meanings behind them, it doesn't really make sense what you have.

Like deep black coal that woman
Aged into a diamond this child


And this one as well, doesn't quite make sense although for a different reason. Are you saying "that [specific] woman" or are you saying women in general? "Like a deep black coal which women aged into a diamond"? Also how does this child fit into that? This child is the coal? this child is the diamond? this child was aged into the diamond somehow? Was the child like, squeezed against the deep black coal to make the diamond? We seem to have a mix up of who does what in the section which doesn't support a good close for a poem.

Overall I'd suggest you try to use a more conversational voice to impose a bit more clarity into some of your poem. Taking these as sentences, or even phrases that are individual and conversational could help you overall with developing this poem.






Thank you!



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Wed Mar 05, 2014 7:29 pm
CamorynAnn wrote a review...



Hello there, BrittanyNicole.

This work is very very good. I am extremely impressed. You captured quite well a good majority of the things that i think about and see when i look in a mirror. I also have a poem about mirrors, you should read it i think you would really enjouy it.

My favorite part was
"I reflect the woman

Who sighs as I let her down

The uncertain, reserved woman

She is calm, hesitance inside her

Squinting to see her soul

The more I stare

The more I see"

There was really nothing that I saw that i didnt think you did very well on. It flowed great, had no use for punctuation, and you had good capitalization. Nice job!

Keep writing!

--Cam






Thank you!




Carpe Diem
— Catullus