Young Writers Society

This is very good. Keep up the good writing. I love the way you made it descriptive enough to image it. It's also very original. All in all it was a very good original poem

I found it too literal for my liking. I liked how the dress became personified. The term "meek" fitted the material well. I also enjoyed the simplicity you gave the fabric and the dress. The metaphorical life the satin has feels warm. Try being indirect and more abstract, the more literal a piece is, the less I have to wonder about.

Hello,

Aley here to review.

So I'm a little confused about all of the different references. Some of them seem to contradict themselves. For instance, you say that there is nothing but the twirl of blue, and no lace or frills, just the fabric, but then you add the beads. It makes me wonder about the poem's rating.

I think the poem has an interesting rhythm. I think you stick to it well as you repeat words and the same type of flow through the poem. You do a good job with that.

I think you need to improve your word choice. In some cases, such as your metaphor with the mountain, it is kind of confusing. It is a hard poem to get into because you start out talking about water and clothing, which don't really mesh that frequently. It's sort of like saying in this waterproof clothing, my iron, whatever that is a reference to, can hold everything.

My transcription of the first stanza is really; "Rivers come down the sewn areas/and I am hard and cold enough to deal with this." To me it doesn't really translate that well. Reading it, without trying to translate it, just gives me this image of a pile of clothes that are water proof and water running down them, then this iron fist breaking the fabric. This isn't the only place this type of confusion happens either. "compared to the journey/where her curves should lie" makes me think of a typical woman, convex hips, concave waist, and then distort it so she's a fat woman because the curves are not where they should be. Let alone the image of someone pelting this poor naked girl laying under a blue sheet with beads, and the beads coming alive with feet to crawl.

These discrepancies sort of take me out of the poem and I think mostly they happen because of your word choice. If you're going to talk about fabric and landscapes, then try to keep them separated. This mixed metaphor doesn't work well. Also try to give us a clearer picture of what is going on. If this is supposed to be a loving poem, then try to avoid words like crawling, and iron. These words don't have connotations that mesh well with a love poem.

Anyway, I hope this helps.

Knight Dragon, here to review!

"Streams flow at the seams
Nothing my iron can’t handle"

"The summit is nothing
Nothing compared to the journey
Where her curves should lie"

"A simple material
Lying still
Is nothing compared
Nothing compared to the twirl of blue

Nothing compared to twirling for you"