on a parallel pursuit
for friends and exile,
she drags through drudgery
carrying a weary smile,
all the stars she watches,
she idolises, she adores,
they one day lose touch,
and one day they fall,
down to the sewers,
a fall from grace,
she's now amongst them,
a fall to sweet Grace.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
AHHH!!! This is gorgeous!
The visual in this is AMAZING!!!
I love the dramatic effects you used.
The imagery is beyond amazing.
You should be really proud of yourself for this work! It's very well done.
I think that it flows very well, and makes sense.
"all the stars she watches,
she idolises, she adores,
they one day lose touch,"
LOVE THIS PART!!! This was written very well, and seems to have more feeling or emotion to it than the other parts.
Grammatical erros: I don't really see any. You wrote this very well. I love the fact that you kept it shorter instead of making a big brick. You kept the readers attention instead of turning them away from the poem. Also you used a nice vocabulary so the reader wasn't turned away from words too big or too small/simple.
All in all, you did very well on this poem (I know I keep saying it, but that's just because I like it so much.) I can't wait till I see more from you
Hey lewiseyles! I'm here to review your poem!
I really love how dramatic this poem is! You have shown some very good imagery that paints a really powerful "picture". My favourite lines were the final 5, it really brings the poem to a very good close!
Now for the little nitpicks:
I don't think the highlighted word is a real word. It also seems a little bit odd to have it in the middle of other words. Maybe: "She drags through the days".
You also need capitals on the start of every line! In a poem each line is treated as a kind of sentence meaning that you do need capitals.
Other than that, great poem! Oh, and welcome to YWS!