Young Writers Society

Hello, hello, hello!
This piece is very nice. I think there should be a bit more punctuation throughout the piece although. Your spelling is good but I think the grammar could use some work. I'll put my own additions in parenthesis, but if you like your work the way it is that's perfectly fine as well; being a poet myself I understand if you like it the way it is and don't want to change it.

Every second my temper frays(comma)

Ignited by the beast's desire(period)

As the illusion of control strays(comma)

To fulfill what the evils conspire(period)

How could I possibly win,(I think it should be a semicolon instead of a comma)

Hide beneath this human skin?

When I am struggling within(comma)

Wholly consumed by my sins(comma)

I'm drowning in the depths of darkness

With no hope to pull me above(period)

Wishing my past was a canvas(comma)

So I could wipe it clean somehow(period)

I lose my final thread of emotion(comma)

Submitting to the demon's devotion(period)

The shutters snap shut on my eyes

To become the monster(comma here and put the last bit on a separate line to make it more dramatic) I truly despise.

Wishing my past was a canvas

So I could wipe it clean somehow

Hey Nikita, Review Day Here <3

So overall I think you've got something that you could really work with here. It's got the basics of something very strong. You've got a good grasp on showing things that we can actually see, like "hide beneath this human skin," and "drowning in the depths..." or how about that beauty "my past was a canvas" for example? These things show a lot of promise for the poem. This figurative language is something you can build on to really bring a movie to the eyes of your readers and show them something that you want them to see, like an artist painting a canvas white to hide the messed up masterpiece that they used to be. Keep it up, do more of it!

My first comment is going to actually go along with do more of it. Consistency with a metaphor like that is going to really push this to the next level. Instead of talking about multiple different scenarios, try to continue through with one metaphor that you can follow through. If you want to, for example, talk about taking away the past, and you've already established that you're hiding in a human skin, why not talk about taking the skin off? If you follow through with this metaphor, how would you say that you were 'wholly consumed by sins?' would you do something like a patchwork skin of your sins? Try exploring these different images that you can give us which will help stand make the poem stand out as a unique idea from that base metaphor up.

Next, while I don't mind how you worked with the end rhyme in this instance, I think you need to get rid of it because you didn't manage to keep it all the way through the poem. I'd suggest just breaking up the lines a little different to imbed the rhymes in the middle of the different lines, which will hide them and make it less obvious where you faltered with the end rhyme.

So to sum it up I would like to see you continue through with your metaphors further and really push the realm of reality to see how far we can stretch these ideas.

Okay! So the blue team is winning but I must prevail and continue to review. Oh, hello Nikita!
This is Magenta here to review your poem, Monster, which you claim to have been based off of Eminem's song. I really liked your description and the imagery. I could really see a detailed picture inside of my mind. This is also very powerful. It really is a monster! ;P There are some other comments that I have to make to you Nikita!
I see that parts of this poem are rhyming. Rhyming in poetry is one of the most difficult things to do and sometimes it comes naturally whereas other times, it is choppy and forced. Here, it seems natural, but you seem to lapse in and out. Did you deliberately do this. Sorry if that sounded harsh or anything, but it would make the poem much better if you stuck to one side.
In some parts, I think that the end of a line could use a comma or apostrophe but that is just a minor mistake.

"Ignited by the beast's desire
As the illusion of control strays
To fulfill what the evils conspire
How could I possibly win,
Hide beneath this human skin?
When I am struggling within"

I really like this part and I think that this poem has a true potential. It really represents the title and is very strong! Great job on that and a two-thumbs up! I think that this is great!

~ Magenta

The imagery within the poem is not just powerful, it is potent. So potent that it makes me recall the days when all I would dwell on was the ugly monster within me. I know that the raging monster within is the most terrifying and depressing monster there is. I speak from experience. But I turned my life around. The future can be altered and the past is forever decided. You have to find a way to let it go completely or it will destroy you. Get a passion, like writing, that will lessen but not make the pain subside for good. I know, it is tough and scary, but tell as many people as will listen to your story as possible, because most will listen and empower you, even most likely become a trusted friend. Your chains are in your own head. Self-pity is no good, it will devour you whole. change your attitude, make the effort to be cheery and loving whatever you feel inside, and eventually if you continue this for a week or a little more, you will start to truly be happy even when you have little or nothing to comfort you. But truly get anyone who will listen, especially strangers as ridiculous and horrifying as that seems, and pour it out and chances are they may quite well struggle with some of the same problems. Then you can help each other. You do have control of everything, because the power is in the ability to choose. It is freedom like nothing else. You can do whatever you want if you wish to. Just go do it. Reach the goals, by using the ugly things as stepping stones. Tell yourself you can change and that it will happen and it will. Have a little patience and hope. I'll throw you the initial line: will you grab hold? I will start a chain reaction that will pull you to safety! You win in the mind, things are 90% mental, not physical. The monsters do not control you, you can stop being that thing you despise anytime you want to. Scold the demons and tell them to get behind you. They fear God especially and those who strive to obtain their goals and dreams. God forgives you if you accept him into your life, if you can forgive yourself first. Be done with that life, can it, take it to the dump. don't look back, but if you do, do it only to kick the garbage bag full of monsters.