Young Writers Society

Okay....i am going to do something....now DO NOT get pissed at me for this..

When you’re so in love with a person that
You find your thoughts

F
A
L
L
I
N
G

on(to) his face(,)

like a raindrop casting itself

in a pool of clear water.


When you’re so enamoured(enamored) of a person

that as you feel yourself going crazier

you embrace the insanity.


You know you cannot ever flee falling deeper in love with a person when
you realize you want to know everything about him,
although you never will.


When the world is a happier place by his side.


When you revel in the idea that(-)
one day he shall be fifteen years older(,)
and each wrinkle, every gray hair
will have only increased your love for him.

When you know these things,
constantly feel closer and
think of the future as a chance
to memorise(memorize) the iris in his eyes,
long for him when he is absent(.)

(T)then you cannot doubt you are in love.

I wouldn't call this cheesy, really. It was a little silly, but still quite good.

The subject of love has been overused, a lot. Everyone who writes poetry has probably written something about love. And it's almost always the same thing. But then...it never gets old, so it's not that big of a deal.

You don't explore love in any new and grandiose ways, but I like that you've kept it simply, sweet, and fairly obvious to your readers. Just the way love should be, with no if's and's or but's tied in.

The poem flows well in most cases, though,

"You know you cannot ever flee falling deeper in love with a person when

you realize you want to know everything about him, although you"

I personally would break these two lines up into four smaller ones, as the rest of your lines are shorter in length, and this would make it flow a little better.

But overall, it's not a bad piece of work.

Thank you emjayc!

I'm not sure why you don't take your poetry seriously =) Cheesy? Well... It had a couple cheesy lines in there, and definitely was very...lovey-dovey? I hate that phrase but I couldn't think how else to put it. But. I reserve "cheesy" for poems that use unoriginal form/language, use the same old tired phrases, and are, overall, unimaginative. I don't think this entirely fits that category.

Since you said this wasn't written seriously, I'm not gonna go full-on in-depth, especially with the things I didn't like so much, but I do want to point out some things I enjoyed, that I thought really worked.

My favourite thing about this poem--in fact the thing I think saved it--was the form. The form was unique. I have a soft-spot for poems that read a little bit like prose, with line-breaks that come seemingly at random so you keep reading smoothly, carried from one line to the next. It was also interesting that it wasn't an entirely concrete poem, but you used it just for "falling." I loved that you blended it into the line "on his face." The picture made me laugh a little.

In addition to that one ^^ there were a couple of other images I especially liked (maybe not as much in the context of this poem, but as a general poetic idea).
"Like a raindrop casting itself
in a pool of clear water" was one.
The other: "memorize the iris in his eyes" <<--note spelling
The idea is lovely, and the consonance in the line made it even better.

Exposition is also hard to pull off in a meaningful way sometimes, but I loved this lines, "When you know these things,
constantly feel closer and
think of the future as a chance"
especially the last one. I felt it was one of those ideas that doesn't occur to you just that way until you see somebody express it--like you did.

I think that you should start taking your poetry seriously =) I enjoyed this quite a bit more than the average love poem, and I think that you definitely have some poetic skills and instincts. I'd love to see you write more poetry.

I'm sure we all love a bit of cheese. I have a major soft spot for love poems. They can make you feel so warm and fluffy inside that to read that poem over and over again. Which is what I felt with your poem.

A strange little technique you used was in the first few lines:

You find your thoughts

f

a

l

l

i

n

g on his face

as you feel yourself going crazier

you embrace the insanity.

Cheese?!