Young Writers Society

Hey

I really found this piece both obscure and interesting. I feel like it could be interpreted in many different ways. Is it a generalised piece referring to society's stance on what friendship means or is it more an individual situation where one person has misjudged their relationship with another?

Your writing style for this piece has portrayed an innocent or perhaps even a deluded narrator. You use references in your poem to childlike activities which are actually metaphors with darker implications. For example the narrator describes chasing his victim down as "playing tag". Your poem gives insight into the idea that people don't necessarily perceive things the same way. It shows how one can almost justify any sort of action in one’s mind.

I like the use of the rhetorical question "Are we friends yet?" which is the backbone of your poem.
They continually make the reader question what exactly are the classifications of contemporary friendship.

As far as I can see there are no spelling or grammar errors in your poem. SO congrats you must be good at proofreading. It means I don't have waste time on that and instead get onto some more constructive criticism.

Looking at how you have structured your poem I feel like it might benefit from being organised into stanza. Each stanza could begin with "Are we friends yet?". This might be better because it shows better development with in your poem as the parallel structure between verses would make comparison easier. The repeated use of the question "Are we friends yet?" seems to lend itself to that style of structure. Also it means you could make the ending look more dramatic. You could have the last two lines all by themselves. That would and a lot of emphasis to the finish of the poem.

I like your tone and style of writing. It is very simplistic, your range of vocabulary is very narrow and you use verbs very sparingly. But that is a good thing because it reinforces the delusion of the narrator.

I felt that the idea that anything can be twisted to be justified came through in you writing and it was well done. You write so convincingly from the stalker's point of view, I can almost see how he (or she) can believe they are doing the right thing. Even though I cannot empathise with them, I can sympathise with the fact they were seeking only innocent things and they honestly believed the only way to achieve friendship is through murder and suicide.

Overall I was surprised by this piece. When looking at the title I thought it would some silly poem about friends (you know the sort), but it was quite the opposite. It was highly insightful and almost flawless from a technical view. Just think about the structure, as structure actually plays a significant role in poetry.

Keep up the good writing and season’s greetings,
Veni

P.S. This is my 4th review out of 125 which I'm aiming for by the end of year

Not going to lie. At first...I thought I didn't understand what was being said. So I had to read it again, and again, and again. It is a very well developed piece. Despite me having to read it multiple times to be able to fully comprehend its meaning, I found this work interestingly enough a mind opener. A little look into how this generation's views being a friend.

But on top of that, it shows an excellent view point on where we stand in today's society. In the past, one could say that a friend was someone you could share a laugh with and that was that. A best friend was someone who knew everything about you and you them. But with this piece, it opens our eyes to the very fact that in today's world, a friend is someone who can push that boundary a step further. To the point of even sacrificing themselves for it.

An extremely well written work, and I cant wait for more.

Well done.

Hey Okurro,

So your poem- wow. That actually kind of scared me a little. Not in a bad way really because if you could draw emotion out of someone using just words, it is impressive. For me you brought out fear. Not sure what reaction you were trying to go for but that was mine. I feel like this is the thought process of a stalker. A lot of time if you are stalking someone, you have some problems in the head. In a way it was creepy because it was like they started talking like regular friends and then they started following and then he kills them and then themselves to be together for eternity.

I like the line

"you scream a song"

because you wrote it to make it seem almost beautiful in a sense but in reality they are screaming because they are getting murdered.
Overall I really liked the viewpoint on the poem. Definitely different.

-gottahaveFaith

Are we friends yet,I'd say yes.Lovely piece of work from the first line to the last.This work carry loads of emotions,but it carries this emotions blindly.Its a sad one,but you made it look like a Jolly one.Pace is quite Good for poetry,but mostly is for igniting excitement and your usage of extreme pace hear disrupts the idea i belive you were trying to get across.A few commas and periods would checkmate this "presumely"(presume) error.I have a pew questions,who took out the knife? Did he open up to you as in his flesh open? or did he open up to you to contain your weight as you fell,saying you were the one that got stab?(a qustion of who got stab.he screamed then he fell,now i know he was stab,but could he have screamed in such pain or should you have screamed rather i couldn't really understand.I never imagine poetry to be a mathematical problem,even though it has hidden words and hard-to-understand sentences.Your give a tint of such poetry,and i should say,its quite depressing "reading" a mathematical problem.But still its a great work,not withstanding those easily misjugded errors."one more glance at you/now we are friends/...forever"truely they are frinds forever a brilliant end I reckon.Even the beginning was great,what firends would normally do was potrayed.I dont know whats in your mind,'cos poetry is a thing of the heart,i can't invade your privacy,as i would have loved too.Same,i dont want people invading my privacy,they should just make their review and get the hell out!,and i do just that(get the hell out).I'd love to know you personally,get to explore your mind,this work has triggered something in me that can't be expressed in mere words.KEEP ON THE GOOD WORK!

Hello Okuro, I'm Genesis and this your Review.

First off this is a rather sad song once you think about it, you talk about friends yet we see the characters die in the end. Tragic really, but it does beg the question, when are we friends? after we've though a hard time together? when we first meet? when exactly? and I liked this. It was good, the title grabs your attention an asks you to read the poem. There's not much to really go on with this, and since this is a poem I can't really ask for details. But in the end this was a good piece, and I expect to read more, this has been your review, and keep up the good work!