Young Writers Society

Hello! I'm pleased to inform you that I will be reviewing this piece for you! Hopefully, you take my advice into account and make improvements upon your writing.
Onto the nitpicking:
"...I flipped threw the air..." Through, not threw.
""I am sorry about that." He viciously said..." Said viciously or omit viciously. You can already assume that it's said viciously.

I really enjoyed the story, however. The ending was a little disappointing though. I expected closure. Though, one doesn't always get what they want.

Thank you for the lovely writing! Good luck!

Yo, Bugslake.

This piece had me sitting at the edge of my seat wanted more. Which is sad because as a short story, there won’t be anymore. But I’m glad to see, reading some of the reviews, that you are considering making this into a novel maybe. Because it is a really good place to start.

Some little nitpicks (I like to just get these out of the way because they are not really major)

First, at the start, I think you mean “flipped through” not “flipped threw”.

Second about dialogue. ‘ “You.” He accused me.’ should be ‘ “You,” he accused me.’

Third, unless in your fantasy world it is spelt different, you have misspelt Guard.

Fourth, sorry to sound fussy but logistically you can’t fatally harm. Fatal means causing or leading to death. Harm means to hurt or to damage (NOT death). The fatally bit implies that is hit the narrator would end up dead, but the harmed bit implies that the narrator could be injured but not killed. Someone can’t really be injured in a way that kills them. Do I make any sense?

Sorry that makes me sound like a knowitall but I hope you understand. Maybe a change of wording?

One other thing. At the start I think the comma should be a full stop.

“Trent charged at me, I flipped threw the air.”

That’s all the nitpicks.

I got a bit tripped up on the paragraph where the narrator flashed back. I don’t think this is clear enough. Maybe you could do something to make it clearer, perhaps?

Now I just felt that this story lacked a backstory. We never really get any understanding of what drives any of the characters to do what they did. Right now, it is a 2D story. To make it 3D, you need to add more depth to your writing. Make your characters actions more convincing. Do more hinting. The reader is great at making assumption but to do that the reader needs hints. You have started to do this. For example, it is clear the narrator was and still is in love with Trent. But for so reasons she finds that she has to duel him. Why?

If you were to turn this into a novel you could actually start with this section. From here you could flash back to the start and explain how this all came about. Just a suggestion.

I love your writing style. It is very dramatic and intense. You have cleverly used varying syntax to produce variation and atmosphere.

Keep on writing because you are brilliant and I’ll wait with baited breathe for the hope that you might write some more to this story.

Veni
P.S. I’m trying to write 125 reviews in a short period and this is review number 3
 

Hey Bugslake,

I really liked this work, but I felt like it could been taken up a notch with some context. Time period would especially help us to know the severity of woman fighting in the guard. If this is present time then it would be simple bigotry,however, if it's medieval times then it's a strong social injustice that the character is fighting against. Why is she fighting, what's the deeper meaning to why she fights? Is it to be near this man and if so after this fight does no longer have a reason to fight anymore.

After reading over the comments section it sounds like this is a powerful scene from a work you're having trouble getting on the paper. If you'd like I would love to go over story crafting with you because this piece is powerful and is appetizing for becoming a full fledged novel.

Best Regards,
Meddle

I liked this. It was really intriguing and kept me invested/interested the whole time. It was confusing however, and does seem like part of a larger story I know nothing about. Speaking of, since you said it IS part of an idea for a story, I think you should follow up on that. This would make an excellent novel. If inspiration strikes, write it and then post it here! I'd love to read more. Great work!

Okay let's get down to business.

First off, great story, but it needs a little editing. When I read this piece, I found a few grammar mistakes:threw should be through and women should be woman.

Second, you're abusing the use of the word 'had'. For example, your entire fifth paragraph. You overused 'had'. In some of your sentences, the use of the word wasn't necessary.

Other than a few simple mistakes, there's nothing wrong with your work. With a little revision, you have yourself a masterpiece. It was truly an enjoyable piece. You ended on an emotional note and left me in suspense. What happens next?

Keep up the good work.

Hey there Bugslake! Cheetah here to review your story!

I'm happy to have found such an emotional piece. I can feel every emotion coming from your character, the way you describe them is wonderful! Your dialogue is excellent as well- very intriguing and it helps the reader stay interested.

This story lacks a certain depth, though. Why is she fighting? What is she fighting for? And what is the connection between her and Trent? You mention that they know each other many times, but how? Perhaps making this piece a bit longer could help us get to know the characters and their motives better.

I would also suggest you end this with some description of the emotions that are so prominent in this story, rather than dialogue so there could be a certain sense of finality. Explain to us what exactly she is feeling.

This is really great! I will definitely be reading more of your work in the future!

~Cheetah

Hello!

I may be wrong, but in the first line I think it should be through, not threw. Other than that, I didn't spot any other mistakes, it's very well written.

I liked the beginning few words, they maybe weren't as powerful as they could have been, but they still enticed me in. Your writing really made me feel sorry for your main character, I could picture what was going on perfectly.

The ending is really sad, well all of it is, but the ending especially. Her words about defeat stuck in my head, I wanted to be able to help her.

Overall, this is really good. Keep it up!

~Molly Louise