Young Writers Society

He exhaled slowly, his breath crystalizing into frost as snow crunched underfoot. He knelt at a dry patch of ground, examining a print on the thawed earth. A corner of his mouth upturned in a smirk, and, with a brisk nod, he set off again.

He had been tracking the prey since dawn of the previous morning. Despite having to double back across the frigid river numerous times, the expedition was almost at a close. The hunter fingered the strong bow that hung from a shoulder. He increased his pace, noting fresh tracks. His target was near.

As he continued along a trail that only he could see, the forest thinned. Suddenly, his prey was visible. The man smiled a private smile, and pulled the bow off his shoulder. Settling his powerful hands into the grooves of the handle, he slanted his body and raised the bow. Notching a red-fletched arrow, he pulled the drawstring to his cheek. The slender arrowhead found a vulnerable shoulder in its sights.

A beat.

Without warning, the wind shifted, blowing the scent of the hunter directly to the prey. The animal stiffened, suddenly aware of the impending danger. It tensed, muscles coiling.

It was pointless.

A slow beat of a heart.

An infinity of space opened between the smallest of seconds.

It was in this infinity that the hunter thrived.

There was a roar of silence, shattered by the resonance of a bowstring's twang.

A beat.

The animal across the clearing staggered, then fell.

The hunter maintained his stoic composure of a moment longer, then went to retrieve his kill.

As he walked, his mind stayed devoutly focused upon his task, and he kept in check his anticipation for the climax of the hunt.

He reached his downed prey, and he slowly went down to a knee.

He fingered the red feather of the arrow that had wounded the creature--the hunter's shot had been true, the arrow penetrating deep into the shoulder.

He nodded in satisfaction, looking into the frantic eyes of the dying beast, which was even now drowning in its own blood. The animal tried to plea for its life but the cries fell upon stony ears. Leaning down, the hunter unsheathed his dagger, and, without a beat of hesitance, slit the throat of the sandy-haired man.

Hey pyro (ahem)! I like that you quickly draw the reader into what's happening, even with the title. I was quickly wrapped up in the plight of the hunter, his desperation to find his prey. Your use of language is beautiful, but when you shift into the moment right before the hunter shoots, you lost me for a second. For some reason it was harder to follow than the rest. Perhaps a bit more explanation is needed. Or maybe I'm just a little slow tonight. Overall very interesting. The ending was a shocker!

Wow.

I'm almost speechless. Almost. This was pretty much incredible. And the twist at the end was just... wow. I certainly didn't expect for the prey to be a man.

Your descriptions are spectacular. I felt the anticipation with the hunter, and could easily get a mental picture of this scene. I'd have to say, though, my favorite part was the very middle, from "A beat" to "A beat." Nice use of repetition there, by the way.

My favorite lines had to be:

An infinity of space opened between the smallest of seconds.

It was in this infinity that the hunter thrived.

Again... wow. Okay, I'll stop gushing about how much I liked this piece, but this definitely was worth the read. Keep writing!

Hi there! Hawk here for a review.

All right, so for starters I'd just like to say that this is a great piece; I like the way you paced it, to give it a very choppy, adrenaline-filled rhythm. You captured that fierce emotion of the hunter and the matter-of-fact way he deals with his prey. And even though I suspected something was different about the victim, I was kept guessing and wondering until the very end when you reveal its identity. Great job with that slow reveal!

Now, for the critique -- I'd say the main one would be the way you tell a lot of the story, instead of showing it. You state very simple facts in a way that doesn't leave a lot to the reader to imagine. And while I realize that this is a short story and that you're trying to give it a matter-of-fact tone, it just also feels very much like I'm reading more of a script than a story. Adding a few more details regarding the surroundings and their appearance could help. I'd suggest reading this link about showing vs. telling, as it does a much better job at explaining the proceedings of fixing it and preventing it in the future than I could try to tell.

Also, look at all of the times you say "he": quite a bit! And it feels very repetitive and breaks up the smoothness of your flow. I know it may sound kind of confusing since I said that your flow before was rather staccato, but the use of the pronoun so many times just...slows it down and gives it a really repetitive echo to it. This isn't a major issue, but I just wanted to bring your attention to it.

Well, that's all I've got to say. There really wasn't much for me to critique; you've got a pretty solid piece here and I enjoyed reading it. Please don't hesitate to contact me if you've got any questions or whatnot.

God bless!
~Hawk

Hey pyro,
Oh my God... when I got to the end... I just.... Good job! It was really, really good. I NEVER expected it coming! Your writing was really good along with your sentence structure, and plot.

I loved it! A lot! I only caught one error:

He exhaled slowly, his breath crystalizing crystallizing into frost as snow

Very nicely done!

PM me or post on my wall if you have any questions!

-Boo

Hello.
Your piece was just the way I like it--short and to the point. As the others have said, it has a surprise ending, which we all liked. I also like the middle portion between two heartbeats, "An infinity of space opened between the smallest of seconds." It was a very nice description. But, RangerHawk is right that you don't have much description. Perhaps you could foreshadow the ending by describing the prey a little more. I noticed you used "prey" and "animal" often. I'm not suggesting you give too much away. Why not use "mammal" or "primate"?

Overall, though, it was a well-written piece. I didn't pick up on any spelling or grammar problems. I liked your use of single sentences rather than paragraphs in that middle section. And, perhaps most importantly, it seems like an original idea.

McMourning

It was an interesting story...
but you could of but a bit more detail into it
you never said what type of hunter he was?
Or what his pray was?

and i noticed you said he slit the throat of the sandy haired man, was he supposed to be his pray?

You asked for my thoughts, so here I am. Saving a spot for later.

Hey, Pyro! Here as requested.

pyro wrote:He exhaled slowly, his breath crystalizing into frost as snow crunched underfoot. While interesting, this doesn't really pull me in as much as a first line should. He knelt at a dry patch of ground, examining a print on the thawed earth. A corner of his mouth upturned in a smirk, and, with a brisk nod, he set off again.

He had been tracking the prey since dawn of the previous morning. Despite having to double back across the frigid river numerous times, the expedition was almost at a close. The hunter fingered the strong bow that hung from a shoulder. He increased his pace, noting fresh tracks. His target was near. Oooh, nice! Lots of suspense, and


As he continued along a trail that only he could see, the forest thinned. Suddenly, his prey was visible. The man smiled a private smile, and pulled the bow off his shoulder. Settling his powerful hands into the grooves of the handle, he slanted his body and raised the bow. Notching a red-fletched arrow, he pulled the drawstring to his cheek. The slender arrowhead found a vulnerable shoulder in its sights. Some very good description here, placed very subtley, but what exactly is a "private smile"? You may need to be a little clearer.

A beat.

Without warning, the wind shifted, blowing the scent of the hunter directly to the prey. The animal stiffened, suddenly aware of the impending danger. It tensed, muscles coiling. No complaints.

It was pointless.

A slow beat of a heart.

An infinity of space opened between the smallest of seconds.

It was in this infinity that the hunter thrived. These two lines are possibly my favourite parts of the piece! Such a brilliant concept!

There was a roar of silence, shattered by the resonance of a bowstring's twang.

A beat.

The animal across the clearing staggered, then fell.

The hunter maintained his stoic composure of a moment longer, then went to retrieve his kill.

As he walked, his mind stayed devoutly focused upon his task, and he kept in check his anticipation for the climax of the hunt.

He reached his downed prey, and he slowly went down to a knee. You may have slightly overused the one-sentence paragraphs, but it goes for a good effect.

He fingered the red feather of the arrow that had wounded the creature--the hunter's shot had been true, the arrow penetrating deep into the shoulder. Suspense...

He nodded in satisfaction, looking into the frantic eyes of the dying beast, which was even now drowning in its own blood. The animal tried to plea for its life but the cries fell upon stony ears. Leaning down, the hunter unsheathed his dagger, and, without a beat of hesitance, slit the throat of the sandy-haired man. ...And a twist! Wow, I really did NOT expect that. How heartless of the hunter!

This is a really good short story- plenty of suspense throughout, and no clues at all that tip the reader off to your twist. You obviously have a wide vocabularly, and use it well. You had me braced throughout- congrats!

But... I didn't really get a sense of the setting, and I found description to be one of the weaker points of this piece. Also, you seem to have fallen into that old writer's trap of overusing the word "and."

However, this was the only bad point I could find. You've created a unique piece of writing, and clearly already developed your own style of writing. Not bad, not bad at all.

Keep writing!

I'm just going to get straight to the point with this one. Feeling a bit lazy after this week.

I. Elaborate! It's your story, you control it, you can have it your way (but don't get crazy).
I think one of my biggest issues with this piece is that the situation flies by too quickly and with minimal detail for the reader to embrace the full experience of the hunter's quest. For example, when the hunter approaches the area where the forest begins to thin, my mind was already trying to construct a moment of open, empty silence, where the hunter doesn't hear anything but the breeze tossing around his clothing or the sound of his own breathing. In other words, I wanted to envision him doing more than simply coming to a clearing and spotting his prey. Show us what's happening-- don't just lay down the facts and call it a story.

II. Predictable sentence = definite no
Look at your sentences - see how most of them start the exact same way? "He+action+blablabla, period." Your sentence structure becomes so dull after a while, and this disappointed me especially because I know you can do better. What would westbrook say, hmm? She'd give you a C and then write in illegible cursive on why she gave you that C. Allow me to translate her cursive for you: "I pretty much have your style down to a science, and that took half the fun out of reading this. Also, try to address "the hunter" as something other than "he" or "the hunter," and try to address the prey as something other than "his prey/the prey" or "animal." And then she'd tell you that she knows you're capable of fixing these things, because she's seen how talented you can be with that pen of yours.

III. uhm. can't-write-title-without-giving-away-entire-point
You kind of went overboard with the single line narration, there. That "infinity" bit is fine, but some of the lines that follow could easily be put into a paragraph.

So, little reminder:
I. detaaaiiillll. Contrary to popular belief, skeletons can't walk on their own. Clothe their bones in new flesh, por favor.
II. More creativity with sentence structure/addressing characters.
III. I don't feel like repeating this one, considering it's the in the previous paragraph haa.

Overall, I do like this. Just polish it up a bit, smooth the edges and you should be good to go. Anyway. Normally I would go on, but I have psychology to study (yaaaaaaaaay). Hope this didn't sound too idiotic - I haven't written a review in months. yuhs, it's true. Oh, and thanks for the good read.