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Obsessed



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Gender: Female
Points: 444
Reviews: 120
Wed Aug 03, 2011 2:12 pm
Emmzziee says...



Spoiler! :
Hey, I'm not sure if this totally sucks or not, and so I need some advice :) I understand that this is hard to read but it's supposed to be written by a child. :)

OBSESSED
My name is Xavier Strode and I'm here to tell you that I... can't tell you.
Because.
Nobody'd ever believe me, if I told what my sister made me see...
* * * * * * *
She always comes into my safe little bedroom, at midnight, and she says, 'nobody is awake.'
I look at her and laugh a little. 'I know that the clocks are awake, silly,' I tell her.
Because.
I know that the clocks never sleep. Tick, tick, tick.
sister takes me into the cellar which is dark, until she turns on her machines that look like a screen, and the whole room lights up crimson; screaming begins, the poor little people begin to bleed, and then they breathe no more.
'And now it's Xavier's turn,' she says.
She likes to show a nasty man called Xavier, and she laughs when the machine says;
Hello, Xavier. I want to play a game. The game I want to play is very similar to the one you've been playing as a drug dealer. The game of offering hope to the desperate for a price. I think we can agree that your situation is desperate, so I offer you hope. The price you pay is that you must crawl into the same pit of squalor you force your customers into. By entering this room, a timer has been started. When the timer expires, the door in front of you will be locked forever. Only in finding the key, before the timer runs out, can you unlock it & retrieve the antidote inside. I will give you just one hint as to where that key is. It will be like finding a needle in a haystack. Let the game begin.
Sister laughs when the Xavier on the machine-y screen dies, and then she turns to me.
"You got the same name so you got the same fate. you're going to die, just like Xavier did, Xavier," sister laughs, poking me in my tummy.
It hurts when she pokes me so it'd hurt even more when I bleed like the man on the screen.
I'm scared.

You have sixty seconds, the machine says,
Live or die. Make your chioce.
Such a horrible raspy voice.
I know that it's not a real choice, and I scream.

I wasn't scared off anything before sister showed me her machine-y screen but now I'm scared of everything.
I watch as a mister has to SAW his own leg off.
I watch as a girlie gets shot after going around, around, around on a carousel after screaming, screaming, screaming... I scream to, and then I'm scared I'll get shot. Sister tells me not to scream because I sound like a girlie too. I scream some more. I don't want to get shot like that girlie.
I watch as a mister has his jaw ripped off of him
I watch as a girlie pulls out somebody's slimy slippery bits.
But this time I'm sick, and sister slaps me hard.
It hurts.

Next morning, mother rubs the bags under my eyes and says, 'Stop having silly nightmares, Xavier.'
I cried. 'I got the same fate as the Xavier on sister's machine-y screen and I don't want to die,' I cry to Mother.
Mother laughs at me. 'You what?'

When my sister kills people on machine-y screen, sometimes she kills the same people again and again.
'Game over,' she says to me, each and every time.
When she lets me go to bed, I look up at my Bed-Ted clock up on my bedroom wall. The big hand is on the '5' and I know it's late. I have to wake up to go school when the big hand is on the '7.' But my clock doesn't care either, just like my sister, as it goes, tick, tick, tick. I wait. I scrunch up my eyes shut tight so I won't see no blood, even if I taste metal. I wait for a voice... Xavier, you have not satisfied me. Your life has no meaning. You have sixty seconds, sixty seconds, sixty seconds...
But a voice never comes. My room seems to be safe.
Except it doesn't protect me from her, from my sister.
Even when I block off the door.
Spoiler! :
Hello! :D So, yes, I was going to tell exactly what this story was about, but changed my mind after reading an awesome comment down there :D It is based on something, but I'm going to leave you to make up you own mind.
Last edited by Emmzziee on Fri Aug 05, 2011 5:33 am, edited 6 times in total.
I want to play a game.
  





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Wed Aug 03, 2011 3:13 pm
RebelAngel says...



WOW. I mean really. Wow. This story gave me gooseflesh. I absolutely loved it, but DAMN.

It was very confusing. I understand that it was from a six year old's POV, though. Myself having recently written a story from that POV, you did a far better job then I did. Your story is very raw and emotional. I could feel his fear as my own, as opposed to just reading about his fear.

Maybe you could work on clarity a bit? Parts of it were so naive they were almost difficult to understand. Also, I sometimes lost track of who Xavier was.

Fantastic job :)

RA
When you're mine, I'll protect you from everything.
  





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Thu Aug 04, 2011 9:15 pm
AllyGrLxOX says...



Hey there, Ally here for the review you requested!

I would like to begin by saying that I have no idea why on Earth you would ever think that any of your writing sucks! :(
You ovbiously have a knack for writing and a way with words, you've got a gift so don't ever doubt yourself!
That doesn't mean your writing is perfect though, there is always room for improvement. I'm sure that any published author would agree!

I'd like to point out some things that I found to be unappealing to the readers eye.

Because.


I think that having the word 'beacause' underlined disturbs the flow of the story. It was kind of like I was just reading and then BAM, awkward underlining. :P So I'd reccomend just italicing that particular word.

Another awkward wording to me was,

I wait for a voice... Xavier, you have not satisfied me. Your life has no meaning.


Your life has no meaning? Uhm, I found this to be a little melodramatic. I thought he was afraid of the other man named Xavier and thought he was going to kill him in some menancing way? So it just seemed odd for the man to say, your life has no meaning.

Who knows it could just be me! xD

For a short story you did a very nice job with your character development of Xavier. I was able to feel his emotions and desperation throughout the entire story. So I applaud you! BRAVO BRAVO! :D

This entire piece had a fantastic mood that you sustained throughout the entire work! Although your spoiler at the end disapointed me.

This was written by me, from a six-year-old's point of view However, I think I've changed my mind about not giving away exactly what this is about - it's just a bit too complicated: Xavier's sister makes him watch a gazillion SAW films every night, and she says very disturbing things. Xavier is also a very naive little kid, and he doesn't perceive the television a a television. He sees it as a real thing... He calls it his sister's machine. (machine'y screen) Xavier is a very smart kid and writes well, for six-year-old. But lack of sleep mixed with such horrible images, he's doing well, especially for a child of his age. He is strong, but... these experiences may have messed Xavier up a bit and this is how he feels. This is how he perceives things.


I don't think you should have given away what it was truly about. When you said that she was only making him watch SAW movies I was disapointed as a reader. Without knowing that the readers imagination is free to go wild and imagine plenty of ghoulish things that the sister could've been showing Xavier and saying to him!

Overall I truly loved this and I mean it! :)
It was such a great and enjoyable thing to read, it gave me chills !

I hope you find my review to be helpful! :D

See you around the site!
Ally.
HEY YOU!
Yeah you! :D

You should check out my latest novel "Part of the Night!"
http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/novel.php?id=877
^Click,Click,Click,Click,Click,Click,Click,Click,Click,Click,Click,


Why haven't you clicked on the link yet!
  








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