Young Writers Society

“I’m not going! You can’t make me!” Elaine’s protests echoed in the tiny room we were ushered into the day before. My younger sister was attempting to bury herself in a small pile of ragged clothing in an attempt to escape the appointment we were expected to attend any minute now.


It was said that the immortal Queen Romilda herself was to hold the meeting that was a yearly occurrence to find the next apprentice. Young girls were dragged from their homes and escorted to the castle, each to their own quarters which consisted of a small mound of straw to sleep on and a semi descent gown to be presented in if necessary.


This year I was chosen, along with my ten year old sister, myself only fifteen years of age. The meeting was due to start, but Elaine refused to go, fearful for our fate.


“We must go! We have no choice Elaine! Please! I’ll be there right beside you and we’ll make it through this, I promise!” The sorrow in Elaine’s eyes was combined with utter fear, but she held my gaze and stilled, pondering my words.


“Jakil, you know the story, only one can make it! Only one! I can’t even imagine the fate of the rest of us...” Her voice trailed off as her chin started to quiver.


“Elaine, listen to me! I will not let anything happen to you! Just remember what I told you, extend only your left hand. Only your left! Remember and you’ll be ok.” The words that tumbled out of my mouth were partly for my own reassurance, but a spark of hope lit her eyes and we both stood up, straightening our gowns.


Holding my chin high, I grabbed Elaine’s hand and wiped a daring tear away before it could betray me. I have to be strong for her, I thought as we marched down the hall to our uncertain fate.


As we approached the great wooden doors, the two guards on the sides heaved them open and we stepped inside. The air was still, not a sound to break the silence. In the middle of the room is a giant round table with short backed chairs, each with a young girl sitting in them.


Some were dressed beautifully, others like us in rags, and more in between. But their faces all held the same look. Fear, distress, utterly frozen with their eyes jetting from side to side. As we took our seats, I noticed one seat was empty and most of the girl’s eyes were trained on the floor to the side.


I scooted to the side and peered down at the body of a young girl, limp with her limbs stretched out, her head twisted to the side, eyes wide open. There was a glassy look in them and I assumed she was from a different land, having heard of the rare eye color.


At once, the girl’s heads turned to the side and I felt a weight come down on my shoulders. We have missed the instructions because we were late. Fear surged through my veins as I gripped Elaine’s hand tighter, staring at the figure ahead. The figure is female with long grey hair, topped by a silver crown. Her back is stooped, and her face wrinkled with unimaginable time.


Her steps were slow, but directed as she came to a stop at a beautifully dressed girl down the table. She had obviously grown up with wealth, having heard the stories of the Queen. The Queen stretched out a frail, bony hand with jeweled rings toward the girl, waiting. Knowing something was expected of her, yet forgetting what it was, she extended her right hand toward the Queen.


“Is this right my Queen?” The words seemed to pop right out of her mouth, and the realization of her mistake hadn’t yet registered. The frail lips of Queen Romilda’s mouth curved slightly upward as she grasped the girls right hand and led her to the front of the room.


“Ask your question,” the Queen said, leaving the silence to settle.


“My name is Shimka, daughter of the King of Oem. I wish to know if I’ll take your place.” Shimka’s hand started to shake as the Queen said nothing, staring deep into her eyes. With what seemed a sigh of regret, the Queen closed her eyes and spoke a few words.


“Shimka, daughter of a nobody, you will spend the rest of your days as a slave in this place.”
Having spoken these words, shackles formed around Shimka’s wrists, and as she struggled to get loose, the Queen let her go to fall to the ground in silence.


Fear emanated through the room, bringing sweat between Elaine’s hand and my own. I gave it a squeeze, dreading to let go. As if a thought reader, the Queen slowly turned her gaze in my direction, moving one step at a time. Her figure was the center of my vision, which caused my thoughts to scramble. I forced myself to get a grip on it as she stopped a few feet from me, extending her hand. Knowing what was expected, I stretched out my left hand, letting her grasp it while bowing my head.


“Queen Romilda, my apologies for being late, we were held up.”


The Queen didn’t say anything as she led me in front of the table, turning from Elaine to me.


“Very well, ask your question.” Her eyes were mysterious, and her stance was firm. Raising my head, I opened my mouth.


“I am Jakil, a peasant. I wish to know if I will live.” My words were simple, yet the silence drove my mind into a pit as I considered the possible endings of this question. The Queen tilted her head this way and that, letting her eyes roam up and down my thin body.


“Jakil, you may live, take your seat and wait.” She released my hand and as I proceeded back to my seat, she walked around the table more swiftly, coming to a stop in front of my sister.


My heart leapt into my throat as I prayed to the heavens she’d remember what I told her. Elaine stretched out her left hand to meet the Queen’s. Relieve flooded my body as I watched them move to the front, though my heart refused to stop pounding. Elaine dipped into a small bow and faced the Queen.


“Ask your question.”


“I am Elaine, also a peasant. I wish to know if she can live.” Elaine pointed to the girl on the floor we’d first seen upon coming in. Her eyes were filled with sorrow at the thought of the other girl cold and dead on the stone floor. My own eyes were trained on the Queen, waiting for her reaction, dreading the worst.


“Elaine, this girl tried to run before her test, so she is dead. But I will grant her life again because you’ve asked.” Queen Romilda closed her eyes and whispered a wordless chant toward the lifeless girl. When she opened her eyes, the girl stirred awake, rubbing her sore neck.


“Be still,” said the Queen and the girl was frozen once again.


Elaine, being raised with good manners, dipped into a deep bow.


“Many thanks Queen Romilda; I am grateful for your mercy.” Elaine waited for the Queen to release her, but I could see her grip only tighten. Something’s not right, I thought. Queen Romilda reached out her other aged hand and stroked Elaine’s cheek, cooing a little. Then her hand dropped and her eyes closed.


“Elaine the peasant, because I granted her life, you must pay a price in her stead.” A raspy chant escaped her lips and Elaine dropped to the floor with a scream for help that rattled the blood in my veins. Elaine! Fighting the urge to run to her side, I dug my nails into my palms, drawing blood.


“My new apprentice for the throne will be the girl Jakil. This one will be her slave for being late. The rest of you, come!” Queen Romilda waved her frail hand toward the others, and as if in a trance, they hopped up to approach her. More slaves with disfigured faces brought in buckets. They waited for the girls to kneel on the ground, and then poured the contents over their heads. I ran over to Elaine, calling her name, and grabbing her up in an embrace.


“Elaine! Elaine! Are you ok?!” As I grasped her tear stained face in my hands, I saw the work of the Queen.


“Jakil! It’s so dark! I’m frightened!”


The Queen had taken the sight from my sister’s eyes, leaving them glassy white. Elaine reached out to me and buried her face in my gown, trembling with fear. She was always afraid of the dark, now it would be her life forever. The shackles appeared on her wrists and ankles and my heart broke into. My sister is a blind slave, and I the new apprentice to the horrible Queen Romilda.



Behind me, the disfigured slaves were lighting torches, then igniting the hair of the other girls. They were still in the trance, not knowing they were being lit on fire, their beauty being erased forever. They were destined to live as slaves. There were no screams, no pleas for help. Only the smell of burning hair and flesh, and the quivering form of my sister in my arms. Our fates are mixed together, yet purged apart.

*shivers* You dreamed this? What kind of books do you read right before you sleep? I didn't see anything to critique, so I'll just let you know that I want to see more of this story. You don't have to dream it, just tell me more! What happens to Jakil and Elaine? Novel it if you have to! You have left us all HaNgInG!1!

Love love love it.

AHHHH!!! Blah!!! That was.... um.....

Like sassykat, I saw nothing to critique. Well done!

Keep writing,
~FW~

This was slightly creepy (o.O), but extremely well written. It sounds like something from a published novel. By the way, I love that name - Jakil.
Keep writing.
-Dai

I'm soooo excited for all the wonderful reviews I've gotten so far! Thanks all you guys!

I just wish for the number of views I'd have as many reviews!

Hey, Butterfinger. Here as requested. Now there were a number of things I really liked about this piece. I mean for one it had an angle to it. It wasn't just a pointless scene to me. Which at first, I have to say, is what I was fearing it was going to turn out to be.

Throughout the story I really appreciated the clarity that was present. Your writing was smooth and very easy to understand. So kudos! Along with your clear writing though, you had very lucid thoughts and emotions. The writing seemed organized and had its direction. Which as I read, I could understand and take easy notice to.

Your dialogue was great I thought. It seemed pretty natural, which I always like to pay attention to as I'm reading any story with dialogue included. On thing that wasn't so clear though I have to say, was the precise setting of the story. I had clues and enough hints, but it seemed as though it could have been a little more clearly detailed.

Also not as clear -more so in the beginning I suppose- was the thought as to what the selection of girls was for; but this was only really until toward the middle and the end where you made it more obvious and clear. I was think it should have probably been more emphasized, but this thought changed as I took awareness to the subtlety of it all.

Onto nitpicks! My corrections and small comments will be in red. Larger thoughts will simply be written beneath the quote. So here we go.

This year I was chosen, along with my ten year old sister(;) myself only fifteen years of age.

(I have to be strong for her), I thought (You may want to italicise the thought. It's simply a suggestion on my part. But usually it make things a lot clearer for the reader.)

In the middle of the room was a giant round table (You want to keep the tense of the writing smooth and consistent the whole way through. Was sounds more fitting than is right here.)

each with a young girl sitting in them. (This last part to the sentence might sound better as "seated at them" or seated in them)

We had missed the instructions because we were late. (Again, this part here would sound better with the alternate tense.)

The figure was female with long grey hair, topped by a silver crown. Her back was stooped, and her face wrinkled with unimaginable time.

Same thing here with the tense. I know it can be a little confusing to be able to tell which words to write as past sounding and which as present sounding. A lot of times they just blend, but only as is appropriate for thoughts and feelings versus what is being seen and described.

the Queen slowly turned her gaze in my direction, moving one step at a time.

Relief flooded my body as I watched them move to the front, (You had the wrong word here. )

“I am Elaine, also a peasant. I wish to know if she can live.” Elaine pointed to the girl on the floor we’d first seen upon coming in. Her eyes were filled with sorrow at the thought of the other girl cold and dead on the stone floor. My own eyes were trained on the Queen, waiting for her reaction, dreading the worst.

Right here I wonder if Jakil should be confused or surprised by her sister's question. I wonder if she should fear for her sister for asking if another should live that had already been struck down, when she should be pleading for her own life.

She was always afraid of the dark, now it would be her life forever.

Right here I think you should maybe have made it clear somewhere toward the beginning of the story that her little sister was afraid of the dark, because it would make this moment a whole lot more dramatic sounding.

The shackles appeared on her wrists and ankles and my heart broke in two. My sister was a blind slave, and I the new apprentice to the horrible Queen Romilda.

So that was pretty much the bulk of my nitpicking. Other than the comments and suggestions I've made, I think this was a very well written piece. Great job on it, and I hope my review was in some way beneficial to you. Feel free to get back to me if you have any questions or are ever in need of another review! I enjoyed being a help.

-Smylin'

You ought to proof-read your work more carefully because it's a shame that so many mistakes should ruin this piece. There's a good plot going on here and some interesting ideas, but it's sloppy. My initial suggestions:

“I’m not going! You can’t make me!” [I think you could have a stronger opening line. Generally I advise people to only start with dialogue if it is powerful or out of the ordinary, otherwise you're better off with description or tone. Your first sentence is important. It needs to be good, the sort of first sentence that you can be proud of. Pretend that your reader will choose to read your story based on your first sentence (and some might) and then write it again.] Elaine’s protests echoed in the tiny room we were ushered into the day before. [Do we need to know they were ushered into it the day before? No, not just yet. Stick to interesting and exciting information at first and give us the boring bits when we need to know them, or at least not in the first paragraph.] My younger sister was attempting to bury herself in a small pile of ragged clothing in an attempt to escape the appointment we were expected to attend any minute now. [You're telling us too much. Instead of telling us there is an appointment coming up, show us. Show us their nerved and their expectancy. It's much more interesting.]

It was said that the immortal Queen Romilda herself was to hold the meeting that was a yearly occurrence to find the next apprentice. Young girls were dragged from their homes and escorted to the castle, each to their own quarters which consisted of a small mound of straw to sleep on and a semi descent gown to be presented in if necessary. [Again, don't tell us this. You're ruining any surprise or fun we might get later. If theis scene is going to be you telling us how exciting the next scene will be then just scrap it and move on to the scene that will actually interest the reader.]

Your section of dialogue between the girls is much better. Maybe start there. But maybe start during the meeting.

As we approached the great wooden doors, the two guards on the sides heaved them open and we stepped inside. The air was still, not a sound to break the silence. In the middle of the room is was a giant, round table with short backed chairs, each with a young girl sitting in them.

At once, the girl’s heads turned to the side and I felt a weight come down on my shoulders. We have had missed the instructions because we were late. Fear surged through my veins as I gripped Elaine’s hand tighter, staring at the figure ahead. The figureis was [You seriously need to watch those tenses.] female with long grey hair, topped by a silver crown. Her back is was stooped, and her face wrinkled with unimaginable time.

“Is this right my Queen?” The words seemed to pop right out of her mouth, and the realization of her mistake hadn’t yet registered. The frail lips of Queen Romilda’s mouth curved slightly upward as she grasped the girl's right hand and led her to the front of the room.

Fear emanated through the room, bringing sweat between Elaine’s hand and my own. I gave it a squeeze, dreading to let go. As if a thought reader, the Queen slowly turned her gaze in my direction, moving one step and at a time. Her figure [You've used this word to envelope her before. Choose another. Maybe some more description.] was the center of my vision, which caused my thoughts to scramble. I forced myself to get a grip on it as she stopped a few feet from me, extending her hand. Knowing what was expected, I stretched out my left hand, letting her grasp it while bowing my head.

“Elaine! Elaine! Are you okay?!” As I grasped her tear stained face in my hands, I saw the work of the Queen.

The Queen had taken the sight from my sister’s eyes, leaving them glassy white. Elaine reached out to me and buried her face in my gown, trembling with fear. She was always afraid of the dark, now it would be her life forever. The shackles appeared on her wrists and ankles and my heart broke into [Finish your sentence ^^]. My sisteris was a blind slave, and I the new apprentice to the horrible Queen Romilda.

Behind me, the disfigured slaves were lighting torches, then igniting the hair of the other girls. They were still in the trance, not knowing they were being lit on fire, their beauty being erased forever. They were destined to live as slaves. There were no screams, no pleas for help. Only the smell of burning hair and flesh, and the quivering form of my sister in my arms. Our fates are were mixed together, yet purged apart.

Alright then so I did like this and I think it has great potential but it's going to take some cleaning up. You need to throw in more description, interesting ones and ones that included senses other than just sight. Think of sound, taste, touch and smell as well. You need them all if you're going to build an atmosphere that will hold your reader's attention.

Your characters are good. The Main one not so much but Elaine is loveable enough to capture most people's hearts and Romilda interesting enough to have them thinking so nice work there. When you get into your story, it flows pretty well. but that introduction really does need cleaning up.

I'll leave it there for now but if you have any questions, feel free to drop me a pm. Thanks for the read, I've enjoyed it despite my reservations at the beginning. All the best,

Heather xxx

Hahaha, I approve of your dreams!

Okay, so this is bizarre and weird and I kind of adore it. Someone I knew once said that the weirdest stories that you can never rewrite properly are dreams, and I think this is certainly true with your story, which makes me a little hesitant to critique it in the first place. Still, because you asked...

The main thing I think you can do is describe the queen a little bit more and why everyone is so afraid of her. I mean, obviously halfway through the story, we get an idea of why this is the case (dead little girls, etc.) but her motive seems a little bit strange at the moment and if you can explain this even a tiny bit, then I think this story would be improved overall.

Still, I really do like this story. It sparkles of originality and it's so strange that it holds in your mind. So, it's really neat! The main thing I think you can do is just to explain some of the parts of the dream that you would know automatically, but that we might not first get.

Here as requested!

For starters, I didn't like the paragraphs. Doesn't hurt the story, just sort of weird to me. The name Jakil sounds like a man's name. Didn't like that. I also felt it moved a little too fast.

At once, the girl’s heads turned to the side and I felt a weight come down on my shoulders. We have missed the instructions because we were late. Fear surged through my veins as I gripped Elaine’s hand tighter, staring at the figure ahead. The figure is female with long grey hair, topped by a silver crown. Her back is stooped, and her face wrinkled with unimaginable time.

You switched to present tense there after being constantly in the past.

my heart broke into

Is that supposed to be "in two" or "into two"?

At the core, I liked it. The idea. The execution was flawed. The questioning was too short, I thought. I know they arrived late, but it would have been nice to see some others go before them so we could get a better picture of how bad this Romilda is. One last thing. The queen's decision to use Jakil was too sudden. There was no deliberation, no building up of anxiety to see what would happen. She just up and "JAKIL IS MY NEW APPRENTICE YOUR SISTER IS BLIND LOL" ending. It was too abrupt, I think.

It has potential, but I definitely think it needs some work until it's really awesome.

6/10

Thanks for the review request. Hope this helps

“I’m not going! You can’t make me!” Elaine’s protests echoed in the tiny room we were ushered into the day before. My younger sister was attempting to bury herself in a small pile of ragged clothing in an attempt to escape the appointment we were expected to attend any minute now.

I think you've used 'we were' more than you need to in this paragraph. Maybe come up with a different way of saying it so that it doesn't sound so repetative.

It was said that the immortal Queen Romilda herself was to hold the meeting that was a yearly occurrence to find the next apprentice.

This would sound better if you elaborate on exactly what kind of apprentice this would mean. It doesn't have to be lenghty but some clues would give readers an insight into things like the time period/situation of the world that your story is set in.

Young girls were dragged from their homes and escorted to the castle, each to their own quarters which consisted of a small mound of straw to sleep on and a semi descent gown to be presented in if necessary.

Again, I think elaboration here would make this sentence sound better. How often does this recruitment occurr? Every year, every month, every week? Little details like this add depth.

This year I was chosen, along with my ten year old sister, myself only fifteen years of age.

I think this sentence could be written better.

The meeting was due to start [any minute now], but Elaine refused to go, fearful for our fate.

I added 'any minute now' as an example. I think if you gave a time, however you'd like to say it, would make the sentence sound better.

“We must go! We have no choice Elaine! Please! I’ll be there right beside you and we’ll make it through this, I promise!” The sorrow in Elaine’s eyes was combined with utter fear, but she held my gaze and stilled, pondering my words.

I've quoted this sentence because you've already mentioned before that Elaine was scared, so saying that her eyes were fearful is unccessary and repetative. Maybe you could show Elaine's fear in her eyes, i.e, her eyes were wide and her fingers were trembling...

“Jakil, you know the story, only one can make it! Only one! I can’t even imagine the fate of the rest of us...” Her voice trailed off as her chin started to quiver.

I think that if this type of thing (girls being snatched from their beds by order of the queen) has happened a lot, then wouldn't the fate of what happened to the girls who ended up not chosen already be known to the people? That's just my opinion.

“Elaine, listen to me! I will not let anything happen to you! Just remember what I told you, extend only your left hand. Only your left! Remember [that] and you’ll be ok.” The words that tumbled out of my mouth were partly for my own reassurance, but a spark of hope lit her eyes and we both stood up, straightening our gowns.

Holding my chin high, I grabbed Elaine’s hand and wiped a daring tear away before it could betray me. I have to be strong for her, I thought as we marched down the hall to our uncertain fate.

I think you mean 'had'

As we approached the great wooden doors [to the chamber], the two guards on the sides heaved them open and we stepped inside. The air was still, not a sound to break the silence. In the middle of the room is a giant round table with short backed chairs, each with a young girl sitting in them.

Again, your missing little details that make a huge difference because they get rid of vagueness in a story.

Some were dressed beautifully, others like us in rags, and more in between. But their faces all held the same look. Fear, distress, utterly frozen with their eyes jetting from side to side. As we took our seats, I noticed [that] one seat was empty and most of the girl’s eyes were trained on the floor to the side.

I scooted to the side and peered down at the body of a young girl, limp with her limbs stretched out, her head twisted to the side, eyes wide open. There was a glassy look in them and I assumed she was from a different land, having heard of [such a] rare eye color.

At once, the girl’s heads turned to the side and I felt a weight come down on my shoulders. We have missed the instructions because we were late. Fear surged through my veins as I gripped Elaine’s hand tighter, staring at the figure ahead. The figure is female with long grey hair, topped by a silver crown. Her back is stooped, and her face wrinkled with unimaginable time.

I think you've confused your tenses here. You started off in the second tense and have now ended up in the first.

“Shimka, daughter of a nobody, you will spend the rest of your days as a slave in this place.”
Having spoken these words, shackles formed around Shimka’s wrists, and as she struggled to get loose, the Queen let her go to fall to the ground in silence.

I liked this paragraph. Good job

I also enjoyed the rest of the paragraphs. They had an eerie vibe to it that made it really enjoyable to read. I haven't come across another story like this so kudos to you're story's uniqueness. The only thing I'll say is that you need to go into detail a lot more because it will help build on the eerie atmosphere you've already managed to create. Build on your story line in a way that makes readers feel like they are not outsiders and strangers to your character - put them in the room with the character and make them feel, hear and question all that the character can. Do that and you'll have an awesome story on your hands.

Anyway, hope I've helped and if you ever need another review don't hesitate to ask

*coco

Hey Butter! I finally got internet, so now I'm back! =] Anyway, here as requested. I really loved this piece, I only saw a few little things here and there, but the only one that I can remember is in the first paragraph, you used the word attempt twice in the same sentence I believe. I usually don't have a taste for this kind of writing, but I think you definitely pulled it off well and I wasn't bored for a second =]. It was a quickened pace with a descent plot. Keep it up =]

The shackles appeared on her wrists and ankles and my heart broke into

The bolded word should be switched with "in two"

Throughout the story you seem to switch from past tense to present tense quite often and quite randomly. Here's an example:

At once, the girl’s heads turned to the side and I felt a weight come down on my shoulders. We have missed the instructions because we were late. Fear surged through my veins as I gripped Elaine’s hand tighter, staring at the figure ahead. The figure is female with long grey hair, topped by a silver crown. Her back is stooped, and her face wrinkled with unimaginable time.

The bolded words were where you used present tense, but the overall story is written in past tense. I think you should reread the story and change all of the present tense words into past tense so it all fits together normally. It's kind of awkward when you switch tenses so frequently within a short story and it's not correct, either.

“Elaine! Elaine! Are you ok?!”

Okay*
O.K. is just an abbreviation, not the actual spelling of the word.

Other than those nitpicks, this was a well written story. It was probably one of the creepier stories that I've read.... but I loved it anyway! Creepy is good! XD
Keep up the good work!

I... am a nitpicker. Just thought I should let you know before we begin.


I only found a few mistakes, all grammatical. They were very minor, yet they bothered me, just because I am a nitpicker. Anyway, here they are.

We have no choice Elaine!

A comma is needed between

... choice Elaine!

Just so that it's

We have no choice, Elaine!

Also:

“Queen Romilda, my apologies for being late, we were held up.”

This needs to be two sentences. Then, it will be:

"Queen Romilda, my apologies for being late. We were held up."

Grar, I feel like I found something else. Oh, well. I'll edit and add it later.


All in all, great. Nice imagery! I could totally imagine this going on!