Young Writers Society

AN: I'm sorry this is a little long, so I really appreciate any reviews that I get. If you review this, I'll happily review something of yours in return, if you want. This is the first chapter of a novel I'm thinking of working on, and I want to get some opinions on it. I actually wrote this a while ago, but I like the idea of it, so I'm trying to continue it and see how it goes. There's a number of things I'm unsure of about it, so any tips on improving would be excellent!

Thanks, everyone!


Time of Our Lies

People always told me to never judge a book by its cover. Before I went ahead and decided who they were, whether they were good or bad people, I had to understand them. What they should have told me was to not pick up anything I knew I shouldn’t have read.
The eye-watering stench of car exhausts and beer engulfed the humid air that surrounded me. People were laughing, shouting, some were even singing as the car came to a screeching halt. Damien clicked his knuckles before scratching his head, which was covered in a mop of bleach blonde hair.
“One hour, okay?” I narrowed my eyes at him.
“Yes, babes.” He winked at me before opening the car door on his side.
As I let myself out of the battered car, Damien jogged around it to meet me. The moment I stepped out, he was standing there with his back leaning against the old thing. He pulled his keys out of his tracksuit’s pocket, pointed them at the car, and with one flick of a button, the car had locked. He tapped it as though it was some kind of God-like contraption before tapping me and nodding towards the enormous house that stood in front of us.
I honestly thought Damien was better than this. Attending drunken teenager-filled house parties wasn’t what I expected a seventeen year old to spend their time doing. Despite being a good few years younger than him, I constantly seemed to be the mature one out of the two of us. As I jogged up the hard steps that led to the house, I let out a smile. He was lucky we’d been going out for so long. If I hadn’t learnt to deal with the less attractive things about him: his badly dyed blonde hair, for starters, then I highly doubted we’d have still been together.
As the sound of car exhausts faded into the night sky, the laughing and yelling increased. By losing one agitating thing, we seemed to gain another. We were now strolling up a tiled path. I was soon seeing gangs of people screwing about in the front garden, and half of them didn’t even look my age. The garden itself was becoming more and more immaculate as we neared it. There wasn’t a leaf out of place and every blade of grass appeared to be cut to perfection, not to mention the same height. I felt myself grinning again. This was not a good place for a great deal of teenagers to get drunk and do God knows what else in. I’d have to come by here in the morning because I bet the cleanliness of this place would be nothing but a distant memory by then.
The house itself was spectacular. It was at least three storeys tall, the wooden doors at the front of the building were both old and grand, and the walls were made out of a grey stone: ones that didn’t look like they came from this century at all.
“He better be here,” Damien muttered as he shoved his hands into his pocket. “The kid’s a legend.”
“You have an interesting definition of legend, Damien,” I replied.
He rolled his eyes at me as I linked arms with him, but he couldn’t help let a smile expand on his pale lips. By the kid, I assumed he meant Xavier-Lee. I didn’t want to ruin Damien’s fantasy or anything, but I wouldn’t have quite defined a legend as some guy who was barely older than me that had taken, drunk and done about everything illegal possible within his short lifetime. Nonetheless, I allowed Damien to have his fun. We were soon inside the house.
The second we entered the house, pounding music overtook any previous sounds. People were still shouting and laughing, but with the music filling my ears, those noises were only quiet murmurs. The stench of sweat was overpowering. The inside of the house was far more humid and stuffy than outside, and even worse than the humidity of Damien’s car. Sweat was rubbed against the bare parts of my body as people shoved past me, the majority of them shouting at someone across the room as they did so. Judging by the number of sofas dotted around the large room along with a widescreen television, I assumed we were in the lounge.
“Hey!” Damien clicked his fingers as he locked his gaze onto a boy in the distance. “Preston! Hey!”
The boy with a shaved head snapped his attention to Damien, and soon enough, there was a grin on his face. I remained standing in the corner of the lounge as he pushed past a number of people. He eventually reached Damien and me, and as he stopped, he glanced at me, then gave Damien a high-five. Immediately turning away from him, I began fanning myself with a sheet of paper that was on the small table beside me.
“Maddie, isn’t it?” Preston turned to me again. I nodded as he held his hand out. “Preston. Damien might have mentioned me.”
I hesitated before reaching out and shaking his hand. Damien had certainly mentioned him, and he’d done so in a good light too. I knew my boyfriend all too well by now though. When he described someone in such a good way, it was almost always a warning sign for me. Locking that thought into my head, I kept a smile plastered on my face.
I wish Damien would just forget about this whole gang thing. This neighbourhood had such a bad reputation, and since the gang activity had increased recently, things had only gotten worse. Houses were being burgled, more and more teenagers were being arrested, and there was a great deal of fights occurring, but they weren’t often found out about, not by the important people--the police--anyway.
Preston turned to Damien. “I’ll give Xavvie a call now. He was upstairs last time I saw him, I think. He’s with some chick, I think.”
With the phone pressed against his ear, Preston handed out an unopened bottle of beer he’d picked up from the mantelpiece above the fireplace. He nudged it towards me. I shook my head, but he insisted again.
“We’re not gonna be here long,” I said to him, although it was partly directed at Damien. “It’s alright.”
“Nah, go on, take a bottle.” He placed it in my hand himself this time. “You can finish it off back home or w--” He paused and grinned. “Yo, Xavvie! Where are you?”
Preston began laughing as he spoke on the phone. Meanwhile, the fanning of the paper in my hand increased as I handed Damien the drink Preston had just given me. He was soon glugging it down his throat. It wasn’t long until Preston made his way towards the lounge’s door. He motioned for Damien and me to follow, so we did exactly that.
Preston was still on the phone when the sound of heavy footsteps came parading down the stairs along with a flurry of laughter. I turned my head to face the carpeted stairway. Practically jumping down them was a boy with hair even blonder than Damien. His eyes were an electric blue, his features were strong, yet smooth at the same time, and his hair was done up so perfectly, it was made clear that his appearance meant a great deal to him. He was basically a more perfected version of Damien. At least I knew where my boyfriend got his style from now.
“Yo, Xavier.” Preston put his phone back into his pocket as the boy stopped before us. “It’s that Damien kid I was on about.” He nodded at Damien.
“Oh, yeah. Cool.” The boy I now knew as Xavier glanced at Damien. “Yeah, that’s like, so, totally awesome. You’re kinda shorter than I thought, but whatever, yeah, that’s cool with me. Be whatever height you want. I don’t wanna discriminate against, you know, the, like, short people.” He burst into a sudden round of laughter.
This kid? A complete legend? I shook my head in disbelief. He was either high on drugs, or had some serious speech issues. I somehow doubted it was the latter. Xavier whipped his head to me.
“Hey, mate, is she yours?” Is she yours? No, quite frankly, I wasn’t. What did Xavier think I was? A pet?
My teeth were grinding together as he winked at me, which caused my gaze to harden even more. Xavier turned back to Damien, but his eyes seemed to be staring into somewhere completely different. I nudged Damien’s arm to respond by informing Xavier that I wasn’t in fact, some kind of object. Boy, was I wrong. Damien began laughing and responded with an uttermost confident yes.
“C’mon, Damien,” I muttered. “We better go.”
“Whoa, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys!” Xavier interrupted me. “C’mon, chill out. Stay for a bit. My mate here.” He more or less smacked Preston across the head. “Has organised this, like, totally, mega epic party for your pleasure.”
“Yeah, just stay for half an hour, Maddie? Please?” Damien’s eyes pleaded into mine as he looked at me.
To be honest, I didn’t really have a choice. Damien was the one with the car, and wandering around these streets in the middle of the night was an impossibly idiotic thing to do, so walking home wasn’t an option. I hardly wanted to get pounced on by any gangs. Despite wanting to do the complete opposite, I agreed to Damien’s request.
It didn’t take me long to realise that half an hour in Damien’s book wasn’t quite the same as my definition of thirty minutes. Two hours later, Preston, Xavier, Damien and I were all sitting on a crumbling brick wall in the back garden. All three guys had cigarettes poking out of their mouths and beer-filled cups in their hands.
“Damien, can we leave?” I whispered into his ear. “You said half an hour.”
“We won’t be long, Maddie.” His voice was slightly slurred: a sign that we really needed to leave soon.
“Ten minutes, alright?” I muttered through gritted teeth.
Damien didn’t have a chance to respond because all of a sudden, Xavier’s voice more or less deafened me. As he was sitting on the other side of Damien, he began singing along with the music that was blasting from the house. The more words he sang, the more powerful they became. By the end, he was just shouting.
“Is he always like this?” I had to shout myself for Preston to hear, even though he was sitting right beside me.
“I’ve gotta say, this is the most out of it I’ve seen him since I’ve known him.” He chuckled before taking a sip out of his drink. “It’s brilliant.”
No way was I baring this any longer. “Hey, I’m going to the toilet. I’ll be back now.” I turned to Damien and lowered my voice. “At least try not to drink too much more.”
After jumping off the wall, I began making my way back into the house. Left behind me was the booming laughter of the boys. Xavier-Lee hadn’t shut up once, and whenever he wasn’t talking, he was singing to himself. Either that, or singing for everyone else in the neighbourhood. Preston wasn’t half as bad, but he was slowly getting there. I allowed my thoughts to wander as I nudged my way through people until I reached the downstairs bathroom. The room itself was tiny: only just big enough to fit a toilet and a small sink in it. The toilet was literally three feet away from the door. I glanced into the mirror above the sink and groaned as I observed the mascara that was smudged all over the bottom of my eye. My fringe was sticking to my forehead, and there were heavy shadows forming under my eyes. It looked as though they were being swallowed by pools of black and purple.
“Blooming concealer,” I mumbled. “Hide dark circles all night? Yea, right. I swear I’m going to ki--“
“You freak!”
Ecstatic laughter gave me no choice but to spin my head towards the bathroom door. Pushing himself against it was Xavier-Lee. He was yelling every curse word imaginable through the door at whoever was on the other side.
“Excuse me!” My mouth dropped open in disbelief. “I could have been using the bloody toilet!”
Xavier turned his attention to me, and as he did so, his grin broadened. “Sorry, babes. There’s this guy trying to hit on me. Sorry, sorry, sorry!”
I rolled my eyes as he started mumbling to himself. He was still pushing the door closed, but he had his back to it now. I didn’t think he was aware of the fact that there was actually no one trying to get in from the other side. I leaned against the round sink and raised my eyebrow.
“Can you let me out, please?” I asked as politely as I could.
“I can’t blame him though.” Xavier ignored my request. “I’m one insanely epic guy. Not, like, literally insane because that would mean I’m, like, emo and stuff, but yeah... wow! I’m hot too.” He winked at me. “I’m sure you’d agree.”
For Pete’s sake. “Xavier, open the door.”
He didn’t seem to have his full weight pressed against the white door now, but nonetheless, it didn’t look as though he was planning to move an inch away from it. Just as I was about to speak again, I noticed his eyes light up slightly. He stood straight and locked his newly lit up eyes onto me.
“I’ll make you a deal. I’ll let you out if you do me a favour.” He shrugged.
I spoke slowly. “As in...?”
Instead of responding in a polite manner, Xavier thought it would have been more suitable to use actions to explain the answer to me. It only took him a few steps to push himself onto me. He pressed his dry lips against mine as he shoved me against the wall. My body tensed. I squirmed. I struggled, but he refused to budge.
“Get off!” I managed to yell at him.
My hasty heart was almost ballooning out of my chest as he backed away. His eyes were bloodshot and hard, and his jaw was clenched. The shadows under his eyes appeared far greater than mine in the harsh lighting of the bathroom, and his skin was so pale, it looked transparent. Xavier looked ill. He was soon laughing again though.
“Fricking hell, your much less eager than the last chick. C’mon, babes, I won’t tell that boyfriend guy of yours.” He leaned in again and his lips pressed against mine along with his body, but I refused to let it last longer than a second. “Just five minutes. C’mon!” he yelled this time.
With all my might, I shoved his body off me along with his foul smell of cigarettes and alcohol. He didn’t bother trying again. Instead, his eyes simply dug into me as his lip quivered. My hands were shaking. For a brief moment, there was a glassy look in Xavier’s deep eyes, something distant. Everything seemed to stop for a moment.
It didn’t last.
As quickly as he’d appeared, he was gone. He opened the door with great force, and I could soon see the drunken teenagers in the hallway. He sprinted back out of the bathroom without saying a single word to me. It wasn’t just my hands anymore. My entire body was shaking.
“We’re going,” was the first thing I said to Damien once I was outside again.
Damien took one long glug of his drink before jumping off the wall. Unexpectedly, Xavier or Preston weren’t anywhere in sight, not that I was complaining. My skin crawled at the mere thought of that boy. I grabbed Damien’s arm and tried to pull him away, but he didn’t move an inch.
“Whoa, Maddie, I ain’t going anywhere. God, you’re such a drag,” he whined as he rolled his eyes.
“Damien, please...” I heard my voice crack slightly.
Damien tilted his head and his voice softened a little. “What’s wrong?”
“He’s... He’s foul, Damien. Why the hell do you want anything to...” There was a lump forming in my throat. “Anything to do with him, let alone look up to him?”
“Xavier?”
I nodded. Damien bit on his lip before sighing. He gently took hold of my arm, and pulled me to the side. We were now standing beside a set of deck chairs and a long, wooden table. There wasn’t anyone else within a few yards, but the noises of laughter and shouting was still easily heard. Damien rubbed his temples and sighed.
“Look, I know this isn’t your cup of tea, and I know Xavier’s not exactly your ideal kind of guy, but please, Maddie, just bear with it. For me? If I become mates with these, my social stat--“
“You have no idea what just happened in the bathroom then, Damien!” I hissed.
“Huh? What do you mean?”
“Let’s put it this way,” I whispered. “Thanks to him, I almost just had my knickers pulled down.”
Damien’s face dropped. He was silent for a moment, and when he did finally make some noise, all that he was doing was stammering. He slowly licked his lips and began rubbing his neck. His concentration was on the house’s wall as he spoke to me.
“Don’t worry, it’s nothing. It’s not like he made you do anything, right?” he mumbled. “Just forget about it.”
“No, but he could have, Damien... You aren’t even going to ask him about it?” I was the one stammering now.
Damien shrugged. This was unbelievable. Without waiting for any kind of response, I barged passed him and headed back towards the backdoor of the house. Forget about it? Did Damien really think his reputation was that important? Xavier may not have pushed me too far, but I was terrified that he could have if he’d wanted to. Even if it meant walking now, I was going home.
It took me a good ten minutes to finally leave the front door of the overcrowded building, and when I did, me entire body relaxed. Unsurprisingly, Damien wasn’t with me. I’d caught him searching for Preston and Xavier while I was making my way out of the house, so I had no idea where he was now. I knew Damien could be an idiot at times, but this was unbelievable. Who knew what Xavier could have done to me? Damien didn’t even care. The lump returned to my throat again, so I pushed it back down. After making sure my phone was still in my pocket, I began wandering down the path I’d walked up a few hours ago.
The sound of people dithered until they were nothing but murmurs along with the occasional yell. The further I got down the path, the darker the sky seemed to become, and the dimmer the lights turned. I stiffened. My heartbeat accelerated. What was wrong with me? I had to relax. My house was only a fifteen minute walk away. I’d be fine. Through anxiety, I began counting my steps. One, two, three, four five, si--
“Hey!”
I froze. My body didn’t move at all, but I turned my eyes towards a pile of bushes to my right. Did I just imagine that? I stood and waited, but there was nothing. Telling myself to get a grip, I continued walking. The crisp air bit at my nose.
“Maddie! Stop!”
This time, my entire body spun around. It was definitely coming from the bushes. They rustled. I subconsciously slid my hand down the side of my t-shirt until it reached the pocket of my tight jeans. I felt for my phone. Then a face popped around one of the bushes. I let out an enormous breath of air. It was Preston.
“Uh... Come here...”
It may have been dark, but it was easy to tell that his face was a deathly white. After glancing around once or twice, I stepped forward. I was soon making my way towards him. If he dared do anything, I had my phone and I could easily scream.
As I reached the immaculately kept bush, another recognisable figure came into sight. Half sitting and half lying beside Preston, who was on his knees, was Xavier. His appearance was even worse than it was back in the bathroom. His eyes were shut, so I was oblivious to as of whether they were even more bloodshot, but his face was far paler, the shadows under his eyes had more or less eaten his eyelids by now, and his lips almost looked scaly. He was eerily silent.
“You two are idiots...” I sighed. “What’s wrong with him?” I nodded at Xavier.
“I think he’s taken too much of something,” Preston almost whispered as his eyes remained locked onto his practically white-haired friend.
“Really? I wouldn’t have guessed,” I muttered in response.
“Give me your phone,” he said to me, but his eyes were still stuck on Xavier.
“No! You can’t just ask me for my phone like that. God knows what you’ll do with it.” I narrowed my eyes as I turned back to Xavier. “I’m sorry, but if he’s gotten himself completely hammered or something, then that’s your problem. You’re not using my phone for anything, so you can forge--”
You don’t understand.” Preston finally looked up at me. “He’s not breathing.”

Hello and thanks for requesting a review,
I will be a little nit-picky towards grammar aspects, but it's all so you can be a better write. On to the meat of your review:

People have always told me to never judge a book by its cover.

Your first sentence of a chapter should hook a reader in, make them stay for more. Besides the little cliche behind this meaning, this sentence doesn't make me want to read more. Also have should be after People.

What they should have told me was not to pick up anything I knew I shouldn’t have read.

I think it sounds better if you say told me to not , but other than that I really like this sentence

I honestly thought Damien was better than this.

There should be a comma after I and after honestly.

If I hadn’t learnt to deal with the less attractive things about him: his badly dyed blonde hair, for starters, then I highly doubted we’d still be together.

It should be learned, and after highly doubted it should be we'd still have been together (this is so it'll still be past tense)

By losing one agitating thing, we seemed to gain another.

It should be loosing.

We were now strolling up a tiled path.

Be careful to stay in the same tense. I'm getting a little confused, is this chapter suppose to be in the present or in the past tense? We were signals past tense, but now signals present tense.

There wasn’t a leaf out of place and every blade of grass appeared to be cut to perfection, not to mention the same height.

There should be a comma after place because you are combining two complete sentences with the conjunction and.

“He better be herenow,” Damien muttered as he shoved his hands into his pocket. “The kid’s a legend.”

There should be a comma after muttered. I don't think now is needed after here.

Nonetheless, I allowed Damien to have his fun and we were soon inside the house.

There should be a comma after fun because you are combining two complete sentences with the conjunction and. Commas followed by any conjunction (and, but, for, nor, or, yet, so) is a common way to combine two sentences with similar ideas.

Houses were being burgled, more and more teenagers were being arrested, and there was a great deal of fights occurring, but they weren’t often found out about, not by the important people--the police--anyway.

This is a run-on sentence, and the way to correctly punctuate it is to replace the comma after burglared with a semi-colon (;) and then replace the comma after occuring with a period. Replace the but before they with Eventhough and a comma, and the -- around police should be commas.

His eyes were an electric blue, his features were strong, yet smooth at the same time, and his hair was done up so perfectly, it was made clear that his appearance meant a great deal to him.

This is also a run-on sentence to fix it replace the comma after blue with a semi-colon. Semi-colons are used to combine two complete sentences with similar ideas just like a comma and a conjunction.

“Has organised this, like, totally, mega epic party for your pleasure.”

Organized is spelled with a z not an s

It didn’t take me long to realise that half an hour in Damien’s book wasn’t quite the same as my definition of thirty minutes.

Realized is spelled with a z not an s

“Is he always like this?” I had to shout myself for Preston to hear, even though he was sitting right beside me.

I think there should be a comma after shout.

No way was I baring this any longer. “Hey, I’m going to the toilet. I’ll be back now.” I turned to Damien and lowered my voice. “At least try not to drink too much more.”

The now after back shouldn't be there.

Either that, or singing for everyone else int he neighbourhood.

Just a silly typo I assume but it should be in the

The toiler was literally three feet away from the door.

Should be toilet.

I glanced into the mirror above the sink and groaned as I observed the mascara that was smudged all over the bottom of my eye.

There should be a comma after groaned

“I’m one insanely epic guy. Not, like, literally insane because that would mean I’m, like, emo and stuff,, but yeah... wow! I’m hot too.”

There should be only one comma after stuff.

As I reached the immaculately kept bush, another recognisable figure came into sight.

Recongnized is spelled with a z not a s

“I think he’s taken too much of something,” Preston almost whispered as his eyes remained locked onto his practically white-haired friend.

Why is he trusting Maddie, didn't he just meet her?

Overall this was well written, adn the ending was a perfect cliff-hanger. I would love to read more more you post it. If you have any questions about my review just ask me

Have a great day,
Tiffany

I am already in love with this!
Its a story of stupid teenage boys and
their partying and stuff!
This is exactly the sort of writing I like!!!
No bad things I have to say about this
By the way I already don't like Xavier and
I am guessing this is your intentions so well done
you now have a Xavier hater xD
Please keep writing this.
When the new chapter comes out please inform me somehow
<3

Hey Lala, here to review as requested!

The first thing I want to say here is that this sort of things isn't really my style or genre, so take everything I say about boredom with a grain of salt. xD (As there will be a bit of that.)

Now, for the most part, this was really well-written. I don't usually dwell on writing style or grammar unless it's requested that I do that sort of review, so I won't spend a lot of time on that. (Besides, it seems that most things have been pointed out already.)

As for characters - they seem pretty typical so far. The boys all seem like partying idiots for the most part, which I'm sure is something you were going for, but there wasn't really anything different about their personalities. They seemed pretty much the same as one another, with a few very minor differences. (Such as Xavier-Lee being "amazing," and Damien only wanting to be "amazing") I like characters that have more... noticeable differences. I also found the way Damien has completely modeled his look after this Xavier guy a bit... over the top? That sort of thing is understandable, but it seems like he's changed his appearance just so that he could look like him. I'm not sure, but it just seemed a like a little too much to me. (Wanting to be like somebody else is pretty normal, but you know what I'm saying, right?)

Then Maddie - well, she's okay, but there was nothing particularly interesting about her that I've seen so far. She's dating an older guy, doesn't seem to like partying that much, etc... but there's nothing that really attaches your reader to her.

Of course, this is only chapter one, so you do have time to expand on your characters later on - just make sure you look after it.

You did, however, handle the emotion fairly well - after Xavier's little attempt and Damien's carelessness. There could have been just a teeny-tiny bit more. (Not lots, though. Watch with that, because it could turn melodramatic very, very easily.) Sprinkle it throughout the chapter a little more. I don't remember reading anything about her crying, or wanting to cry, though I may have just missed it. Don't go for full-out bawling or anything, but teared-up eyes, tight throats, etc...

I did like the ending of the chapter. It was a very good cliff-hanger, though you'd think Preston would be a bit more worried.

There were a few things that were a bit exciting here, but honestly, I've read about most of the party-issues a few too many times for them to have much effect. Through most of it, it just seemed like another story about a girl going to a party with her boyfriend and feeling out-of-place. The ending was the only thing that really popped out to me.

Overall, the story has potential, but right now it's looking a lot like other similar stories. Keep looking for ways to make it original, and if you need me to review another chapter, let me know.

Thanks for the read,
~~Ish.

Yay, time to nom on nitpicks! Nyaha. Rosea here, as requested~ Sorry I took kinda long... and wow, that's a really long piece. (o_o)

Let's go.

Time of Our Lies

First off, I think the title is a bit cliche, and it's too narrow. Maybe something broader, which can encompass the rest of this story? Because this is a part of a novel, right? Your title is more suited for a short story. I really suggest that you change it into something more eye-catching and fresh. It would work wonders, I assure you.

People always told me to never judge a book by its cover. Before I went ahead and decided who they were, whether they were good or bad people, I had to understand them. What they should have told me was to not pick up anything I knew I shouldn’t have read.

I think I've seen this kind of opening a handful of times before. "Never judge a book," et cetera... Instead of whet my appetite and urge me to read the rest of the piece, it made me lose some of my enthusiasm. I thought immediately that what I have in my hands is nothing new. A lot of other idioms and images can be used to re-portray that thought, because you know, it isn't the plot alone which makes a reader interested - it's the way the story is told. Take this idea, and bring it to me so well-written and narrated that I wouldn't even notice it. (That last statement, I quoted from a book called "The Angel's Game". It's by Carlos Ruiz Zafon, and it contains many tips in writing as side dishes to the story along the way... if you haven't read it yet, I strongly recommend it. I actually use it as a sort of literary bible, if you know what I mean. You won't regret reading it.) "Shouldn't have read" in the last line should be changed to just "should read".

The eye-watering stench of car exhausts and beer engulfed the humid air that surrounded me. People were laughing, shouting, some were even singing as the car came to a screeching halt. Damien clicked his knuckles before scratching his head, which was covered in a mop of bleach blonde hair.

Never start with a description of the surroundings when beginning a new paragraph. It is what should come last. Action first, and then the weather.

“One hour, okay?” I narrowed my eyes at him.

“Yes, babes.” He winked at me before opening the car door on his side.

So little action. Sentence too clunky. Try: He winked and opened the car door (on his side). I think the "on his side" is not really necessary, because common sense would tell the reader that if he's the one stepping out, he's going to open the door on his side, unless the car is a convertible, and the roof is down, and he wants to just jump over the door... well, so much for that. You get what I mean.

As I let myself out of the battered car, Damien jogged around it to meet me. The moment I stepped out, he was standing there with his back leaning against the old thing. He pulled his keys out of his tracksuit’s pocket, pointed them at the car, and with one flick of a button, the car had locked. He tapped it as though it was some kind of God-like contraption before tapping me and nodding towards the enormous house that stood in front of us.

Like I said, too clunky. If I chop up some bits, this is what it would look like. (It's up to you if you want to follow my example.)

Damien jogged around the car to meet me as I let myself out. The moment I placed my foot down on the pavement, he was already standing there with his back leaning against the old, battered scrap of metal that it was. He locked it using the keys he fished out of his tracksuit's pocket, and slid his hands over the hood as though it was some kind of heavenly contraption. After admiring his vehicle, he patted me on the head, nodding towards the enormous house that stood in front of us.

Less said, less hassle, yes? And you're too detailed about the actions. You don't need to make every movement conspicuous, the readers can figure those out by themselves. Let them imagine the rest. Give them some things to think about. And in pieces like these, what you need to focus on is the characterization. You need to make the people 3D in order to make your story live.

I honestly thought Damien was better than this. Attending drunken teenager-filled house parties wasn’t what I expected a seventeen year old to spend their time doing. Despite being a good few years younger than him, I constantly seemed to be the mature one out of the two of us. As I jogged up the hard steps that led to the house, I let out a smile. He was lucky we’d been going out for so long. If I hadn’t learned to deal with the less attractive things about him: his badly dyed blonde hair, for starters, then I highly doubted we’d have still been together.

Attending drunken teenager-filled parties is exactly what a seventeen-year-old would do. This is all chatter-splatter. These details are better off implied bit by bit through the story, or just mentioned fleetingly, even vaguely, or better yet, not at all. To have an entire paragraph dedicated to one character in an attempt to immediately sell them off to the reader/lift their pedestal up/give them a hasty personality boost in an attempt to make them visible only puts the reader off, or at least, a reader who's advanced. Beginners would barely notice this and they'd probably even appreciate this big chunk of detail because that would mean figuring out less and having a ready-made idea about how the characters look like, but those who are experienced in reading would scoff at this and skip reading your piece altogether, because, I'm sorry to say, of it's amateurish approach. Like I said, give them something to digest bit by bit. When you're giving out candy, you don't give out the whole jar; you give it piece by piece. Ja? The image you gave to the characters is also cliche. Try playing that up into something more interesting, something unique; something that would make us, the readers, give a damn. (PS: I'm not trying to be mean; I just tend to be a bit casual in my reviews. Don't take my cursing as a bad sign. It's a habit of mine. I assure you your writing isn't altogether bad, I'm just... picky.)

As the sound of car exhausts faded into the night sky, the laughing and yelling increased. By losing one agitating thing, we seemed to gain another. We were now strolling up a tiled path. I was soon seeing gangs of people screwing about in the front garden, and half of them didn’t even look my age. The garden itself was becoming more and more immaculate as we neared it. There wasn’t a leaf out of place and every blade of grass appeared to be cut to perfection, not to mention the same height. I felt myself grinning again. This was not a good place for a great deal of teenagers to get drunk and do God knows what else in. I’d have to come by here in the morning because I bet the cleanliness of this place would be nothing but a distant memory by then.

What was lost? What was gained? You left me confused. Not a leaf out of place? No. It doesn't quite work out. Immaculate I can understand, but how about something else, a different image to portray the said cleanliness and orderliness in the venue?

The house itself was spectacular. It was at least three storeys tall, the wooden doors at the front of the building were both old and grand, and the walls were made out of a grey stone: ones that didn’t look like they came from this century at all.

"Stories". I think you mean "stories". The same comment: cliche imagery. Perk it up.

The rest of the piece I skimmed out briefly, for it was so long I couldn't possibly nitpick my way through every part... that would be too time consuming. So. I saw the same problems I pointed out occurring in the text here and there, as well as some grammatical errors and structural problems which can be fixed in a jiffy... You'll notice them by yourself, I'm quite sure, if you look very closely. All in all, the story is satisfactory, although it didn't really bring me off the edge because most of it, I've seen already, in some place or the other. If you still have questions, feel free to PM me. I'll be glad to point things out. Have a nice one~